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Discussion Starter #1
There might be a post like this already, so if so, I apologize for taking up space.

My first girlfriend just broke up with me today and to put it plainly I feel awful. The worst thing is knowing I did everything I could and trying to be the best boyfriend I know how but having it all be in vain because I wasn't enough for her. I'm in a pretty numb state right now and everything feels so surreal, I know it'll get better but damn does it sure suck.

How do you guys handle this type of thing?
 

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Fu Dominant
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Even the nicest, most mutual endings to relationships aren't easy. It'll take time to heal and move on, but you will. "Time heals all wounds." "There are plenty of fish in the sea." Etc, etc. As cliche as that all sounds, it's also pretty true. First loves lost are always difficult. I still remember my first love, more than a decade later. But I moved on, and you will too. :eek:) First loves aren't always only loves.
 

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There might be a post like this already, so if so, I apologize for taking up space.

My first girlfriend just broke up with me today and to put it plainly I feel awful. The worst thing is knowing I did everything I could and trying to be the best boyfriend I know how but having it all be in vain because I wasn't enough for her. I'm in a pretty numb state right now and everything feels so surreal, I know it'll get better but damn does it sure suck.

How do you guys handle this type of thing?
I still haven't gotten over someone who dumped me despite all of my efforts to be the best I was able to be for him. I am handling it by not getting into another relationship until I am confident that I won't be fantasizing about him the entire time, which would be unfair to any new partner. I have also attempted to distract myself by keeping very busy, but that has been ineffective. I am still just as obsessed as ever, and I yearn for him almost constantly.
 

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When my first love and I ended our relationship (ours was a mutual, joint decision, more or less), I was distraught. Felt like a death in some ways. But I kid you not, all the cliches you hear become true in time. Consider this last relationship and any other relationship practice until you find yourself in the best, most right, and true relationship with someone who will fully appreciate all you offer as a partner. Don't judge yourself harshly; be kind to yourself always, and you'll move forward, slowly but surely. Trust me, I was where you are right now; it hurts and bleeds, but life really does move on, so should you, but do so gently. Best wishes.
 

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Fu Dominant
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What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Hey.. another cliche. Woot!

Anyway, this song basically describes how I look at lost loves, and what may be to come. Maybe you can find hope in it. :eek:)


(And yeah, the video doesn't match the song. Just listen to it, lol.)
 
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I agree with @SillaSY, it can be devestating. Just give yourself time to mourn. It's natural to mourn the loss of something. As you slowly begin to come to terms with the end you can start to move on. When you do start to move on focus on yourself, do stuff you enjoy or always wanted to do. I have a sediment of random hobbies I picked up after break-ups that I still do, and others which just occupied my time for a while. When you feel like you're ready, look back over the relationship critically. When I broke up with my 1st gf, I believed that I had done nothing to contribute towards our break up (which was not amicable in the first place), but upon real reflection I had lessons to learn from that relationship to apply to any future relationships.

The only other thing that springs to mind is avoid romanticising her. If you broke up fairly amicably it's really damn hard to not romanticise an ex. Oh, and of course, music has helped me through just about every species of heartache that I've ever experienced. Hope that helps :).
 

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I survived the death of my mate by dealing with my immediate needs and staying in the moment - which was really all that I could do (I was so devastated and overwhelmed). This is a good time to be selfish, to nurture youroself and perhaps spend time doing things that YOU want to do, possibly not things that you got to do when paired up (for me, this involved watching chick flicks and listening to really hard rock music).

Take comfort in the knowledge that almost everyperson has suffered a break up and very few do not survive it. Time will very likely heal, but takes what it does to get there. None of this makes it any less painful at the time, though - for which I am sorry.
 

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I feel somewhat callous using this analogy after @Zster shared her experience, but a lot of break ups are somewhat comparable to a death, although perhaps in a limited sense (the metaphorical death of 'us', rather than the actual death of a person). I've only had my heart broken once, but I remember being shocked by how physically it hurt. I didn't see it coming and the shocking aspect of it was literally devastating because I really felt happy at the time. For reasons I won't get into, when I broke up with my last partner, it had to be permanent and so I knew that there was no hope of having him in my life in even a limited sense, I knew that I had to cut him out completely, and so I mourned him for months and months. I feel like I'm bleeding Butler into all of my posts lately, but I read one of her essays a while ago and this really captured the essence of the grief I felt and has had me thinking about that time in my life a lot lately:

Judith Butler said:
Perhaps one mourns when one accepts that by the loss one undergoes one will be changed, possibly for ever…I do not think, for instance, that one can invoke the Protestant ethic when it comes to loss. One cannot say, “Oh, I’ll go through loss this way, and that will be the result, and I’ll apply myself to the task, and I’ll endeavor to achieve the resolution of grief that is before me.” I think one is hit by waves, and that one starts out the day with an aim, a project, a plan, and finds oneself foiled. One finds oneself fallen. One is exhausted but does not know why. Something is larger than one’s own deliberate plan, one’s own project, one’s own knowing and choosing…

When we lose certain people, or when we are dispossessed from a place, or a community, we may simply feel that we are undergoing something temporary, that mourning will be over and some restoration of prior order will be achieved. But maybe when we undergo what we do, something about who we are is revealed, something that delineates the ties we have to others, that shows us that these ties constitute what we are, ties or bonds that compose us. It is not as if an “I” exists independently over here and then simply loses a “you” over there, especially if the attachment to “you” is part of what composes who “I” am. If I lose you, under these conditions, then I not only mourn the loss, but I become inscrutable to myself. Who “am” I, without you? When we lose some of these ties by which we are constituted, we do not know who we are or what to do. On one level, I think I have lost “you” only to discover that “I” have gone missing as well.

…What grief displays is the thrall in which our relations with others holds us, in ways that we cannot always recount or explain, in ways that often interrupt the self-conscious account of ourselves we might try to provide, in ways that challenge the very notion of ourselves as autonomous and in control. I might try to tell a story here, about what I am feeling, but it would have to be a story in which the very “I” who seeks to tell the story is stopped in the midst of the telling; the very “I” is called into question by its relation to the Other, a relation that does not precisely reduce me to speechlessness, but does nevertheless clutter my speech with signs of its undoing. I tell a story about the relations I choose, only to expose, somewhere along the way, the way I am gripped and undone by these very relations. My narrative falters, as it must...

Let’s face it. We’re undone by each other. And if we’re not, we’re missing something. This seems so clearly the case with grief, but it can be so only because it was already the case with desire. One does not always stay intact. One may want to, or manage to for a while, but despite one’s best efforts, one is undone, in the face of the other, by the touch, by the scent, by the feel, by the prospect of the touch, by the memory of the feel.

--from "Beside Oneself: On the Limits of Sexual Autonomy"
I remember how eerie it felt to me to feel as vulnerable as I did. I felt literally undone by what had happened to me and a lot of days it took everything I had in me just to remember to stuff some food in my mouth at some point in the time between when I woke up in the morning and when I went to sleep at night. I had never felt so keenly the extent to which I am reliant on other people, that it is the presence of the people I care about that allows me to feel as autonomous as I do.

The platitudes that people will offer can sometimes feel shallow and annoying, but they're all true (how else would they become platitudes?). It will be okay, you will be able to move on, you will eventually be able to have feelings for other people. Don't rush yourself, take time to mourn the end of your relationship, but remember that it will get better, even if it takes a while to get there. There's no place to go but forward. Writing about what I was feeling was very beneficial to me. Like @Paradox1987 said, activities can be a good thing. Take the time to feel your grief, but also know that distractions help a lot. Try something new, do something for yourself that you've always wanted to do. Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends if you need to. It's something that almost everyone will go through at some point and, like Zster pointed out, they survive it and you will, too.
 

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Been there, my approach is, suffer what it is to be suffered, but also watch, listen and learn.

Relax, some break ups just "hurt" and some hurt until you realize your life just got better (or came back to the original happy state). Sometimes we could suffer EVEN when bad things end. Good luck, you'll feel better.
 

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Well, my own relationship ended last night, so, with the thoughts still fresh and properly reflected upon, I can give you a fairly honest answer.

When such a thing occurs, I turn to my logic to help assuage my sorrow in an attempt to justify why the split was for the best. Pause, reflect and cobble together a list of these reasons and begin to completely erase the person from your life. It's easier to let go than to attempt to hold onto a friendship destined to be one of caution.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
It just happened so abruptly, one moment we're doing great and then the next she finds out that she doesn't think we're good for each other. She didn't even want to try and make things work. In the end I guess she didn't think I was right for her and that really sucks because I honestly felt like I did everything I could and I put so much into it but I still couldn't change anything. It was just me.

I'm really looking forward until I can get to that state where I can appreciate the positive aspects from the relationship and the outcome of what happened. I know it'll get better, but it will take some time until I know it's better. I don't know when that would be but I hope it's soon.
The friends I've told have been really supportive, and I'd really like to thank all of you for your kind words and input. You guys are wonderful.
 

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Well, my own relationship ended last night, so, with the thoughts still fresh and properly reflected upon, I can give you a fairly honest answer.

When such a thing occurs, I turn to my logic to help assuage my sorrow in an attempt to justify why the split was for the best. Pause, reflect and cobble together a list of these reasons and begin to completely erase the person from your life. It's easier to let go than to attempt to hold onto a friendship destined to be one of caution.
I'm sorry to hear that. I could use my logic to justify why things were for the best and that things will get better but I'm not ready for that yet. I could and do tell myself those kinds of things but I'm not able to really listen to them, at least not yet.
Thanks and you're right, I guess it's better to let go in this case.
 

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I had a pretty hard time with a breakup once. My father died and my gf cheated on me within 3 weeks of each other. It sucked balls.

I can only provide my experience, but I have a hefty dose of pride and self-worth. First, I withdrew, because the combined situations put me into an unhealthy state. Then, I dug down and pulled on that seemingly limitless well of self-esteem. This quickly made me VERY angry. I like me a lot, and people f*cking with me makes me mad. I ran on anger for a time, until it subsided. Then it was over.

Since you're pretty much my opposite, this will not likely help at all. I do, however, wish you the best.
 

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My modus operandi is to keep it to myself, mull it over and indulge in work. When I've thought it over enough and my introversion inevitably collapses(and I try it every goddamn time, don't you know) I get blackout drunk with a mate and bawl and yell and stare silently into the wall for an entire night. Or two. Or a whole weekend. Then I can tick off "talk to a friend" and "think it through", and I just stomach it until time heals it.
 

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It really depends on the relationship. I have handled every ending differently. With the guy I dated for two years in high school through the end of my freshman year of college, I ended things and actually found I was relieved instead of sad. Getting over him was a lot easier than I ever imagined it would be, considering the length of time we spent together. With some casual flings that weren't even "official," I was pretty upset, but nothing too earth-shattering. But in my current relationship, when we temporarily broke up (ended up getting back together, but I thought it was permanent at the time) I literally thought the world was ending and it felt like I was dying a slow, painful death. That was a pain I can't put into words.

I'm really sorry you're going through this... it's hard. *hugs*
 

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Well, my first break up was the most painful. It was my first relationship, and I had no experience with heart break. I was 19. It happened during summer holidays, so I couldn't even lose myself in school work lol. He ended it very suddenly and very cruelly, without any explanation as to why he was doing it (a day after he had told me that we were perfect together). The positive part was that the way he executed it made me feel such intense hatred for him and such inexplicable rage at the situation that it kept me from feeling very sad. But, definitely, there was a mix of emotions..anger, sadness, shock, indignation. It took me 6 months, a lot of anger, lots of tissues, chick flicks, hot chocolate, setting everything that reminded me of him on fire (yeah..yeah..i am a dramatic bitch lol.. seriously, get rid of all physical reminders after a painful breakup and don't call them if you've been broken up with), several "Tyra Show" episodes lofl and 2 of my best girlfriends who spoke from a place of experience and empathy...to get over it.

I can promise you this..it will get better. You will get over her. The pain will ease into oblivion with time. This is guaranteed. You may feel like someone's ripped your heart right out leaving this huge gaping wound within, but it will heal..no matter what. You will have walked away wiser from this break up, and you will realize this over time. Being broken up with gives you the opportunity to be with someone even better fitted for you. Looking back, I am glad he broke up with me. He taught me what to avoid in a man, at all costs. His spinelessness made me a better judge of character. I never made the mistake again. I am better off having walked through that blazing fire. It hurt, but it was worth it. Trust me.


Other times, my break ups have either been mutual or I've been the one to initiate them.
 

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When my last relationship ended, I cried daily for weeks, and cried often for months. I, too, felt as if I wasn't a good enough girlfriend for him. Eventually it became less painful to remember, and eventually I stopped thinking about him. Time helped, as well as me recognizing that I need to move on! The break-up consumed my life for months and I needed to stop letting it. Acknowledging the fact that I contributed a lot to the break-up (by behaving poorly and turning it into an unhealthy relationship) helped me move on, as well as regularly exercising and socializing with friends. Placing less emphasis on dating/relationships and him helped me enjoy my own life more.

Love can act in similar ways to drugs, and it has been recognized that the loss of love triggers the same responses a drug addict experiencing withdrawal in the brain. I believe this is what happened to me.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Well, my first break up was the most painful. It was my first relationship, and I had no experience with heart break. I was 19. It happened during summer holidays, so I couldn't even lose myself in school work lol. He ended it very suddenly and very cruelly, without any explanation as to why he was doing it (a day after he had told me that we were perfect together). The positive part was that the way he executed it made me feel such intense hatred for him and such inexplicable rage at the situation that it kept me from feeling very sad. But, definitely, there was a mix of emotions..anger, sadness, shock, indignation. It took me 6 months, a lot of anger, lots of tissues, chick flicks, hot chocolate, setting everything that reminded me of him on fire (yeah..yeah..i am a dramatic bitch lol.. seriously, get rid of all physical reminders after a painful breakup and don't call them if you've been broken up with), several "Tyra Show" episodes lofl and 2 of my best girlfriends who spoke from a place of experience and empathy...to get over it.

I can promise you this..it will get better. You will get over her. The pain will ease into oblivion with time. This is guaranteed. You may feel like someone's ripped your heart right out leaving this huge gaping wound within, but it will heal..no matter what. You will have walked away wiser from this break up, and you will realize this over time. Being broken up with gives you the opportunity to be with someone even better fitted for you. Looking back, I am glad he broke up with me. He taught me what to avoid in a man, at all costs. His spinelessness made me a better judge of character. I never made the mistake again. I am better off having walked through that blazing fire. It hurt, but it was worth it. Trust me.


Other times, my break ups have either been mutual or I've been the one to initiate them.
Most of what you said really hits home, I'm 19 myself but this all happened right before school is going to end. We were each others first relationship too.

I didn't think I'd realize so soon, but I feel like I can finally let myself appreciate everything that's happened because of the break up. I've learned so much about myself and I've had so many wonderful memories. It's also brought me, my friends, and my mom a lot closer as they've all been there to support me.
I have no regrets, I'm just really sad it had to end. Also while she was the one who broke up with me, I still care deeply for her; I think I always will and that's why even though I could make her feel really bad about what she did to me (she does from what I've heard) I decided that I'm going to confront her and try to officially accept and end things with her on a positive note. I now know that I'm a good boyfriend, I just want someone I could be a good boyfriend to.
 

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I had a pretty hard time with a breakup once. My father died and my gf cheated on me within 3 weeks of each other. It sucked balls.

I can only provide my experience, but I have a hefty dose of pride and self-worth. First, I withdrew, because the combined situations put me into an unhealthy state. Then, I dug down and pulled on that seemingly limitless well of self-esteem. This quickly made me VERY angry. I like me a lot, and people f*cking with me makes me mad. I ran on anger for a time, until it subsided. Then it was over.

Since you're pretty much my opposite, this will not likely help at all. I do, however, wish you the best.
That's terrible, I'm really sorry for your loss and for the fact that you were with someone so incredibly selfish and hurtful.
 
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