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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am a 4 with a 5 wing, married to an 8 with a 9 wing. He also happens to be a porn/sex addict who is supposedly clean. After intuitively knowing for months that he was lying to me, I installed a key-logger spy program on his laptop. Needless to say, I now have proof of his lying!

I am, however, extremely wary of confronting him with this proof as I know that 8's fear being harmed or controlled by others and desire to protect themselves...

I've painted myself into the corner now, I know what he's up to but I can't tell him because his reaction could end our marriage.

Help! What do the 8's think???
 

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hmmm. Well invading his privacy probably wasn't the best idea to start with. He doesn't know you've done it yet.

Would it end the marriage? um... well actually I don't know about that, at least not immediately. Once he finds out you don't trust him he's gonna go down a couple points in trust with you as well, until the two of you are just a mistrustful couple that spirals into oblivion.

I would definitely NOT present the proof or bring it up. If he found out you performed covert ops you can probably kiss his trust goodbye.

Is the porn really that big of a deal to you? Is he having an affair with you? Is this breaking your values? Do you think porn is cheating? What is it about this situation that offends you the most? Is it because he lied to you? Some things might be best swept under the rug. Perhaps you should consult a therapist or watch some dr phil on "How to go about confronting my husband's porn addiction."

If you're dealing with an 8, its probably best that you do it in a direct and assertive way. No more covert ops... ever again. Promise me you'll never do something like that again.

Something that's going to have to happen is that both of you will simultaneously agree to not void one another's trust like that. He needs to be straight forward with you and you need to be able to believe what he says. How to go about doing this is up to you.
 

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I am a 4 with a 5 wing, married to an 8 with a 9 wing. He also happens to be a porn/sex addict who is supposedly clean. After intuitively knowing for months that he was lying to me, I installed a key-logger spy program on his laptop. Needless to say, I now have proof of his lying!
I am, however, extremely wary of confronting him with this proof as I know that 8's fear being harmed or controlled by others and desire to protect themselves...
I've painted myself into the corner now, I know what he's up to but I can't tell him because his reaction could end our marriage.
Help! What do the 8's think???
uninstall the device, don't tell him and stop spying on him.
 

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I think you need to see a professional marriage therapist over this. Porn addiction and its influence on a marriage is a serious thing-- not one to be left to forum members, no matter how smart we might think we are.

He's been lying to you and you've been monitoring him. This indicates there are trust issues and communication problems on both sides.

If you want to face it and tackle the addiction head on, you need to include a third party that can play a neutral role between you. If this is something that you seriously believe will hurt your marriage, don't take it lightly and turn to a personality typing cafe. Get real, serious, and professional help ASAP.

EDIT: I realize this doesn't answer your question as you originally asked it. I think bringing up your new evidence will likely strike a massive confrontation. Not just because your husband is an eight-- but because you are asking him to fess up and admit he has been boldly lying to you for several months. This will probably result in a snowball effect and bring up other issues in your marriage (such as trust and communication).

Again, I stress not leaving this to a handful of forum members on a typing cafe. If you want results, go to professionals who are trained to handle these problems.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for the responses so far and, yes Marlowe, I am only asking for your reactions! :wink:

Obviously there is a history to all this, which I don't want to share.

We have been for 'help' but 'help' only works if you actually listen and learn from it... My husband has been acting as if he has been 'helped'. :rolleyes: NOT SO.

I had to follow my instincts. I did. They were right.

Now, I'd like to hear how you would react to being told, that your wife has been watching your secret dalliances online. When you had promised not to indulge in such dalliances!!!!!!

Porn ruins relationships. Google it. :sad:
 

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Type 8 focuses on issues of control and even trust. So, finding out that you've been trying to gather evidence against him, again, will not go down very well with him, and you already know this. His porn addiction seems like it's just one aspect of bigger problems in your marriage. And yes, a porn addiction has a very detrimental impact on a relationship.

You also, apparently, know that porn addiction is a serious enough issue that you need to take the matter to professional therapists etc. So, the best course of action would be to 1. seek counseling 2. not tell him you've been spying on him, at least not yet. I believe there is individual counseling available for married couples. You can tell the counselor you've installed this program to monitor him, and more importantly, share your relationship history and other details with them, so you are better able to tackle this when you get down to having a conversation with your husband.

Incomplete information, though I understand completely that you wouldn't want to share it on a public forum, forms a poor basis for giving advice. You need professional counsel, anyway. You're looking more to gauge what sort of reaction he'd give. In one word -- anger. Feelings of indignation/shock wouldn't surprise me either; rest assured, it'll be channeled as anger. Expect a major confrontation.
 
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