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Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I keep seeing a lot of YouTube videos lately of really elaborate, showy marriage proposals in front of all of the family and friends, or in front of crowds of strangers, and when I see them, I just cringe inside thinking about how much I would have hated that sort of thing. I'm really glad my husband and I just talked out our plans privately rather than doing any kind of weird proposal thing. Do Extroverts feel differently when they watch such things? Does anyone here like the idea of being proposed to that way?

Reasons I don't like the idea:

-It puts a lot of pressure on the person being proposed to, because saying no after someone went through such a time-consuming process of coordinating it all, in front of everyone there who thinks they ought to get married, would be especially humiliating for both people.

-It can sometimes seem like it is more about showing off or getting attention than about romance. People who make these kinds of videos to put on YouTube might just be going through all of that trouble to make it go viral so they can get money or get famous rather than because they are actually that thoughtful, and it is sometimes so showy that it seems to be more about the self-absorption of the person doing the proposing than about that person's view of the relationship's importance.

-Some people are shy and don't want such a personal moment to be a public spectacle. It will make the person you are proposing to the center of attention whether that person wants to be or not. Maybe that person is really excited about the proposal, but doesn't want everyone to see him/her cry with joy, or maybe that person is hesitant and needs a moment to think about it without being rushed.

-Failure is public. Not just public in the sense of everyone at the mall or restaurant seeing it happen, but public in the sense of it being very likely that somebody's camera phone caught the rejection on video, and it will end up all over the internet. Do you really want your most humiliating moment getting laughed at by people all over the world indefinitely, even after you have attempted to move on from it?

Which types are most likely to go for this sort of thing?

If you like public proposals, what do you see as the benefits? What makes them appealing to you? I really can't think of even a single thing.
 

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The Cooliest
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DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND:
Great question! I don't really like them, they are sweet but I think I'd prefer something a little more unique and close. By unique I mean something they clearly put thought into..I'm not one for extravagant things, and PDA makes me kind of uncomfortable.. I prefer a much more intimate kind of setting like where it's just us two..I think it would be sweeter to do something heartfelt than something that gets a few extra likes on facebook etc. While the public engagement is well thought out. I find it actually somewhat impersonal..
I'd also like to mention that I would feel a lot of pressure. No one wants to say no! there are people clapping and cheering..If you say no you look heartless. Also it's more romantic and beautiful in a less public setting..
 

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How do you say no in that situation? I would be so UPSET! I can't watch public marriage proposals. I don't think they look sweet. I feel so bad for the person who was put in such an awkward position. I really hope the people who do this are absolutely sure their SO would like to have a public marriage proposal.
 

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MOTM Dec 2011
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Embarrassed, pressured, and like this person doesnt even know me at all. I have a distaste for the showiness of it too. I prefer more intimate things.
 

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Well I'm a guy, so I doubt I'd be the one proposed to, but I probably wouldn't want it to be a spectacle. I'd probably want it to be a private moment.

However, I think we have to consider that many of these extravagant proposals are likely preceded by conversations in private that were in favor of getting engaged. In other words, a situation where they are both into the idea, but hadn't taken the step yet. It may also be done largely by people who mutually enjoy public displays of affection and extravagant romantic gestures.

We have to consider that the people doing this may be mutually on board with it from the get-go and that's why it's happening at all. There's a reason people talk about the importance of communication. I mean, think about it, if you've been in a relationship with someone for months or years and you have no idea how they feel about big romantic stuff, then you probably shouldn't be trying to get engaged in the first place.
 

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INFJ 3w2 Sx/So
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No. No. No. All of the no.

If my boyfriend proposed to me like that, I would honestly feel betrayed. He knows that I hate that sort of thing.

The way I see it, decisions like that are very private, and they should be handled as such. You should never put your relationship partner in a position where they'd feel pressured to give a certain response.

If she's already expressed a desire for that, then that's her thing; have at it. Someone would have to be crazy and pretty self-centered to think that it was a good idea for an introvert, though.
 
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I'm a guy and I'm taking this from the perspective of making one of these public spectacles. And-I'd never do that.

For one, I totally agree that it feels less about romance and more about making a show. It's less "I love you-will you marry me" and more "Hey, I'm announcing my love to everyone in this restaurant and/or to about 36,000 baseball fans!" which I think is totally unnecessary. I agree that it feels a lot more like the self-absorption of the person proposing then the relationship.

Two-I'm not sure I'd want to put someone I want to spend the rest of my life with in that position. Proposals are high-pressure already-add a large public spectacle to the whole thing makes it worse (and she this went south, she would be complete justified in never speaking to me again).

Three-there are situations where I'll speak to a crowd-if I have to, I'll do it. This is not something that I feel needs to be done in front of an audience.

And four...

-Failure is public. Not just public in the sense of everyone at the mall or restaurant seeing it happen, but public in the sense of it being very likely that somebody's camera phone caught the rejection on video, and it will end up all over the internet. Do you really want your most humiliating moment getting laughed at by people all over the world indefinitely, even after you have attempted to move on from it?
You know, kind of like this:


Yeah...they're not getting back together anytime soon.

I'd say this is instructive on why this can backfire so spectacularly; nobody walked out of that thing looking good. He looked like a jerk and she got a load of unwanted attention from a crowd of basketball fans and people commenting on the internet years later.

If I were 115% certain that she'd actually appreciate it-I still wouldn't do it.
 

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A public proposal would be grounds for immediately ending the relationship. Anyone who would do that is showing that they know absolutely nothing about me and are more interested in satisfying their own ego than doing what is best for the relationship.
 

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I'd hate that. Proposing in an extravagant manner is one thing, but to do it in public would really bother me. It adds an incredible amount of pressure to an already major decision by placing it in a context where saying "no" wouldn't just be a disappointment, but a public humiliation. That strikes me as manipulative and putting someone on the spot like that isn't my idea of romantic.

I personally attach little value to grandiose gestures like that, but even if you want to add a bunch of bells and whistles to what is basically just a yes or no question -- a question which IMHO is already inherently romantic due to the fact that you're essentially proposing to spend the rest of your lives together -- there are plenty of things you can do to make it more original without making a public spectacle of it. It's all good as long as the way the question is asked doesn't somehow try to limit my willingness to say no... but ultimately that one moment is about a decision that affects the rest of both your lives, so to over-emphasize the moment itself rather than the outcome because it's "romantic" is just silly.

This video is adorable though. No public spectace, just a really sweet and thoughtful gesture IMO.

 

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I dislike public displays in general. That would be a massive public display.
 

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Don't like it. Won't do it.

I don't think anyone of my exes would do this. Ppl who do seem to be a certain personality. I wonder what it is. It's one thing to want a proposal to be memorable. It's something else when it's self serving. I don't think all the public proposals fall under the self serving category though. If I were to propose, I'd figure out a unique way to do so but would never be a PDA type of thing.
 

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Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
This video is adorable though. No public spectacle, just a really sweet and thoughtful gesture IMO.

That is one of the most romantic proposals I've ever seen.
 

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Guy here, wouldn't like that. A lot of those things are territorial, childish stuff. BUT regarding women I believe it's different. Doing things on that scale should represent an expression of what you know about the person and what you know he/she likes, so, if it's too much of a surprise perhaps people are going out of line.
 

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If the couple have already established that marriage is on the cards and that they're not opposed to this kind of situation, they can go for their lives.

Personally, I find it all really cringeworthy, and if someone did that to me I'd end things very quickly. For one, I don't like the attention, so it would tell me that this person cares more about being in the spotlight than my wishes. Not a good trait in someone who wants to me my life partner. And I can't help but feel like it would be an effort to manipulate me into saying yes. I've had enough people try to shame me into doing what they want; this comes dangerously close ("what kind of girl would reject him after all the effort he went to...?!" yeah no thanks).

Like @Cephalonimbus said, this is already incredibly romantic. It's about the two of us. Let's keep it that way. After all, if it's not enough for you... why are you proposing?
 
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