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I'm not going to give any details on my boyfriend's sexual and romantic past, as I don't think I have the right to make it public, nor is it relevant. I was just wondering how common it is for someone to feel extreme aversion when it comes to this, and how to overcome it.

I have a very good boyfriend, loving and honest, but obviously he had other girlfriends, and slept with other women before he met me. As I had other boyfriends and sexual partners too. We met pretty late, when I was almost 29, and he was almost 28. I don't think of this very often, but sometimes something happens that triggers it, and I just feel this extreme aversion towards the fact that he loved other women or slept with them. It is making me so angry, and in spite of the fact that I do understand it is not logical, that they were all in the past, I can't help it. It feels very painful.

I know that for me my own past doesn't mean anything now. The sex I had with other people means nothing now too, it's like fog, like something from a dream, completely closed, with no emotion. He reassured me that he feels the same about his past, and I believe him. But still it doesn't work, and when it happens to get triggered, it feels so bad. Why? I tried to beat these feelings with reason, and it doesn't seem to work. Is it because somewhere in my mind I fear that if he was with other women before, then there's a high possibility that he's going to be with other women after me too, that he's going to leave me? In reality he has no intention of leaving me, and he loves me very much. We want to get married.

I love him, and I know he's guilty of nothing. Why do I feel like this? Is it common, at least?
 

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Many people today (including, especially, young people) seem to consider "waiting until marriage to have sex, and then only having sex with your spouse" to be a completely outdated approach to life that has no obvious benefits.

But your situation highlights some of the very clear benefits of the "waiting" approach, namely, that if both partners wait until marriage to have sex with each other, they won't have to confront the anxiety that you express in your post in relation to questions like "How do I compare to my partner's previous partners?" and "If my current partner had sex with but left his/her previous partners that s/he wasn't married to, will s/he leave me after having had sex before marriage with me too?"

If a person's goal is to have a lifelong relationship with a person, one of the clear advantages of marrying that person is that marriage makes it much more difficult for one or both people to leave the relationship during hard times, or when one or both people become "bored" with the sex. One thing I have realized after 17 years of marriage is that marriage is a series of highs and lows. The highs don't last, and the lows don't last, either.

People who choose to have a sexual relationship with someone else without the commitment of marriage are much more likely to quit on the relationship "too soon" by leaving when the going gets rough or dull, rather than sticking around long enough to make it through the current rough patch in order to enjoy the next high point. (Perhaps your current boyfriend left at least some of his previous girlfriends in this way, and perhaps you left at least some of your previous boyfriends in this way).

All of which is to say that the anxiety you are experiencing and the questions you are asking "come with the territory" of being involved in a sexual relationship outside of marriage. (Of course, married people can leave each other too, but it's much more difficult and costly to get divorced than it is to simply "break up"). That's not to say that you shouldn't be involved in a sexual relationship outside of marriage, but that there are pros and cons associated with each approach and it sounds like you are becoming aware of some of the cons* of the approach you have chosen...

* On that note, it seems to me that people who advocate for and choose the approach you have chosen tend to focus primarily on what they view as the pros, such as "I get to have sex with a bunch of different people, which is exciting and doesn't require me to make any commitment, so that I can leave whenever I want". But some of the people (including, apparently, yourself) only come to appreciate the cons of the approach "the hard way". That's not to imply that these people (including you) necessarily wish they had made different choices, but simply that they come to realize that their choices have cons in addition to the pros...
 

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@D4P

Thank you so much for your answer, I appreciate it.
I never really thought of these things 12 years ago, when I started my sexual life. I had no one to talk to, computers and internet were not that common here either, at that time. I never thought it was something particularly good, to have sex outside marriage, but I never thought it was particularly bad either. It just seemed like the normal thing to do if you're 18 and have a boyfriend.
 

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I'm relieved that you appreciated my comments. It's a sensitive topic and I was hoping to be helpful without being offensive.

You are (obviously) not the first person to start your sexual life without having thought everything through, and in your defense, you probably couldn't have thought everything through because (as you said) you didn't have access to all of the relevant information or someone to talk to that might have helped to broaden your perspective.

It's arguably unfortunate that human beings become willing and able to have sex long before they are ready to make rational decisions about it. (Our brains supposedly don't finish developing until we're around 24 or so). Our elders try to steer us away from trouble, but we (of course) don't listen to them...
 

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I'm not going to give any details on my boyfriend's sexual and romantic past, as I don't think I have the right to make it public, nor is it relevant. I was just wondering how common it is for someone to feel extreme aversion when it comes to this, and how to overcome it.

I have a very good boyfriend, loving and honest, but obviously he had other girlfriends, and slept with other women before he met me. As I had other boyfriends and sexual partners too. We met pretty late, when I was almost 29, and he was almost 28. I don't think of this very often, but sometimes something happens that triggers it, and I just feel this extreme aversion towards the fact that he loved other women or slept with them. It is making me so angry, and in spite of the fact that I do understand it is not logical, that they were all in the past, I can't help it. It feels very painful.

I know that for me my own past doesn't mean anything now. The sex I had with other people means nothing now too, it's like fog, like something from a dream, completely closed, with no emotion. He reassured me that he feels the same about his past, and I believe him. But still it doesn't work, and when it happens to get triggered, it feels so bad. Why? I tried to beat these feelings with reason, and it doesn't seem to work. Is it because somewhere in my mind I fear that if he was with other women before, then there's a high possibility that he's going to be with other women after me too, that he's going to leave me? In reality he has no intention of leaving me, and he loves me very much. We want to get married.

I love him, and I know he's guilty of nothing. Why do I feel like this? Is it common, at least?
I'm not necessarily sure your fears are illogical as it is very likely that at some point he will love other women and will sleep with other women and that you will just be another girl in the, "fog" of his past life. And the same will be true for you and how you see him. What's more illogical is the expectation that he would remain faithful to you forever when both of you have a History of loving other people and sleeping with other people. If you choose that path (as you already have) then all you can try and do is live in the moment and enjoy the moment with the person you're with knowing it won't last forever.

PS: The irony in your avatar here.
 

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I suspect that you're correct about why you experience these feelings. It could be that you don't feel that you offer anything significant in comparison. Like you don't have something with him that is over and above what they had with him. It's a natural social instinct to try and make ourselves indispensable in some way. Having high importance helps us feel more secure. This will likely become less of an issue when you are married, since (I assume) he hasn't been married to any other woman.
Is there anything you can do together, which he's not done with previous gf's? I don't expect you to answer this here, just for you to think about. Doing those things together could help solidify your position from an emotional security perspective.

Aside from that, ime, these kind of feelings occur less and less often over time.
 

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Is there anything you can do together, which he's not done with previous gf's? I don't expect you to answer this here, just for you to think about. Doing those things together could help solidify your position from an emotional security perspective.
Woah wait, is this how it works? If I make my girlfriend feel insecure enough maybe I can get her to do anal?
 

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Woah wait, is this how it works? If I make my girlfriend feel insecure enough maybe I can get her to do anal?
Definitely.

It could backfire though, if she agrees too readily to anal, you might find that you're the one left feeling insecure :wink:

I suspect if she's smart though, she'll feel more secure with an expensive ring on her finger, any finger will do
 

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Hiraeth said:
I know that for me my own past doesn't mean anything now. The sex I had with other people means nothing now too, it's like fog, like something from a dream, completely closed, with no emotion. He reassured me that he feels the same about his past, and I believe him.
Brilliant. A look ahead.

[hr][/hr]
https://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2002/apr/13/weekend7.weekend3
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knot...ildhood-10-common-effects-on-your-adult-self/
https://web.archive.org/web/20070428025734/http://www.psyskills.com/cogther01.htm
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I'm not necessarily sure your fears are illogical as it is very likely that at some point he will love other women and will sleep with other women and that you will just be another girl in the, "fog" of his past life. And the same will be true for you and how you see him. What's more illogical is the expectation that he would remain faithful to you forever when both of you have a History of loving other people and sleeping with other people. If you choose that path (as you already have) then all you can try and do is live in the moment and enjoy the moment with the person you're with knowing it won't last forever.

PS: The irony in your avatar here.
But you see, the thing is that we both want it to last for the rest of our lives, and we expect this from each other. Obviously, in spite of our intentions and what we decided, you may never know what's going to happen, and how life is going to challenge you. But I guess this is also true for those couples who never slept or loved other people before marriage too. There's no way to tell for sure, regardless the path you chose before marriage.

Our relationship required a lot of strength and will right from the start, because of external factors, and we talked about it many times, and we both decided that we are going to face everything to be together, and that it's worth it. There's a time when you are young and don't know for sure what you want, but then you finally figure it out when you start getting closer to 30 and you find the right person. We just want to settle down, neither of us is interested in dating or having fun or being wild anymore, in any way. I think that we're both aware of the fact that we're good together, and that it's hard to find someone who will offer you what we offer each other, that kind of trust, comfort and love. Having a family together means a lot to us, while fucking around doesn't really interest us.

And if I marry someone, then yes, I do expect them to respect their vows. I only marry once and it's forever, and he's aware of this. I actually trust him that he's not going to cheat on me, and that if we're ever going to have any difficulties in our relationship, he's gonna try to work it out with me. Also I'm not that stupid to let some feelings related to matters of the past ruin my relationship, I've actually learned a lot from my previous experiences, and the good side of it is that it helped me maintain my current relationship pretty healthy.

This thing doesn't bother me much, it only happens sometimes, but hopefully if I work on it more, it's not going to happen anymore. Also I was trying to understand it better, that's why I posted.

Thanks for your answer.
 

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I was just wondering how common it is for someone to feel extreme aversion...
You are who you are right now (same for him), the past is gone, for good or bad it shaped you both into who you are. I experienced something like what you explain but doesn't mean it's the same, yet, I get the feeling/idea this is more about you than him (probably), in my case it was more about me, and there were cases where it was about them (justified) so let's check the options.


not going to give details on my boyfriend's sexual... Good.
was just wondering how common it is for someone to feel extreme aversion... From where I'm standing it sounds interesting, intriguing and confusing, why? this is more common among men due to many superficial and also deep reasonable... reasons. Women seem to have less problem with this. I'm not saying this just because, I took the time to ask many people I know, researched etc. Seems like having more to do with culture and perhaps adaption over the years but I don't know. Most men reach marriage with a sexual past, while most women for years didn't do the same. If I had one dollar for each and every woman who says what matters to them is being the LAST one (the one for years to come, marriage etc) than being the first one. While many men think it is more important being the first or the only one. Me being a man... I don't care about first of whatever.

I have a very good boyfriend, loving and honest. I don't know how you talk, how he describes his past and how much information he gives. I'm open to talking but there are some individuals who tell the stories like they are living the moment again and it doesn't sound like there was some closure, they are almost tasting it and that's not good. I noticed that's at the end of my journey what bothered me (after other chapters of lack of emotional maturity). I can say this is a past issue for me, not a problem anymore except for:

- how people tell the story
- if the story seems like a lie
- if they taste the details in front of me
- if their (sexual) past is too heavy for me to deal with it
- IF... their sexual past is too heave FOR THEM to deal with it


The past is the past, but SURE it means a lot to who we are and what kind of people we are, it can leave... stains or scars. Due to my personal experiences this is not common among the women I have known as friends of love partners etc. Sounds to me like something you have to deal with yourself, you give no clue if this happened to you regarding other guys. But sure it can become a problem.

You are not asking me... but perhaps this could ring a bell.
 

Had a relationship with this woman who keept saying he has a list of lovers, wanted a love relationship. Then talked about a BF, etc. That to me was the first FLAG because her stories were not consistent in this regard. Anyway she asked me details about my sex life, I have no problem about it but she insisted on... details, risk, adventures. I told her I was a simple guy with simple stories, just love relationships, one attempt on having a sexbuddy and just... sex inside the relationships.

She started talking about sex and adventures... I was just-fine with that but WARNED HER, hey, this is dangerous, it can damage our "relationship" because it's not good to talk SO MUCH about the past specially about so much details (this smells bad) and most importantly, due to personal experiences this introduces negative memories, plus... something that might not be important to me might hurt you, like ME having several GFs, just one attempt of sexbuddy, and you having so many lovers and what seems to me no love relationships at all... I believe this can affect us both in negative ways and differently.

And it did. She couldn't bear the fact of me "loving" people in my past and having them still in some places of my heart, while she only had a past of sex and often in risky places. It affected me because there were negative things that you just don't suppose to do, while she couldn't overcome the insecurity if she would ever mean that much to me, or if she would ever fill an important place in my heart. The problem of HER insecurity became worse and worse.

At the end of the day, to me it was a problem of morals.
And to her it was a problem of self insecurity, lack of confidence.

She was very, very confident on her sex skills, but not on her value as a human being. And I agree with her insecurity, anyone can have sex, not anyone can be important to someone else for years. End of story, we went diff ways, I got tired of her insecurity (and I rarely, like never talked about the past). Then she accussed me of things I wasn't doing so... the end.


We can't be the only ones, we can be the first, last or middle, we would not like each other if we didn't have the emotional and sex experiences we have. Embrace the present, and try to research the voices inside your head... I mean, in terms of problems on relationships... things that are not actually a problem... have roots on things our parents said.
 

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- if the story seems like a lie
Just want to point out that there's a lot of empirical evidence to suggest humans have absolutely no statistically significant ability to detect lies. People who think they know when they are being lied to are largely deluding themselves and are detecting something else (such as lack of confidence).
 

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Just want to point out that there's a lot of empirical evidence to suggest humans have absolutely no statistically significant ability to detect lies. People who think they know when they are being lied to are largely deluding themselves and are detecting something else (such as lack of confidence).
A good thing to point out to, when we are just battling something else and it's not a lie, it's just something else... (that's kind of what you are saying right?).

The thing with lies and relationships is... the longer you are on the relationship, the more difficult it is to keep a lie appearing as a truth, and if you are on the other side, the easier it is to tell if something is fishy, not making sense... a lie (that is if you mind paying attention). Liars hate/dislike people with good memory, after all, like said on another thread, it's risky to have only one source of information (sure on a relationship that can be the common scenario) but shit happens, some people rather tell a lie than the truth.

* Just one to also point out there is a lot of scientifical evidence of being able to build the habilities to detect when someone is lying, it involves micro expressions (some have a natural gift for this, it's been measure how some can't see micro expressions, some can), on another level it's something we can become better at... with the same person we are with, and also, there are lots of technical tricks to catch a liar on how we engage on the conversation, like asking some details backwards. One of the trickiest things among lie detection is (and this not only involves human abilities/techniques but also machines)... well, if you believe it, your body doesn't show visible interferences that sell you out. A good liar can pass a test, just like someone crazy truly believing he is someone he is not.

** At the end of the day, this being told by many older people I know and consider accurate, valid and wise: if you don't trust the person... you will never trust that person, so building a relationship is just not worth it for any of both.
 

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We can't be the only ones, we can be the first, last or middle, we would not like each other if we didn't have the emotional and sex experiences we have. Embrace the present, and try to research the voices inside your head... I mean, in terms of problems on relationships... things that are not actually a problem... have roots on things our parents said.
Thanks! Your message was helpful.

This happened to me once before, when I had my first boyfriend. I was 18 and inexperienced, and he was 29 and had his heart broken a couple times. He had been deeply in love with 3 women, before our relationship, and he often mentioned them, and described his feelings to me, even compared my sexual skills to the skills of one of them. I was feeling in love with him, but he never told me he loved me, and he never felt anything as intense as he did in his previous relationships. I was feeling jealous, angry, and worthless, like their ghosts were always there, part of our relationship. After 1 year and a half I broke up with him.

Then all I felt for men was butterflies in my stomach, but it never got past that stage, until 11 years ago when one of these feelings for a certain person evolved into a relationship that lasted more, and I got pregnant by accident. This made me feel obligated to stay in that relationship, although there were no feelings involved. I'm from Eastern Europe, and the mentality here is to stay with the guy you made a child with. Very bad decision, I learned it the hard way. The very hard way.

Anyway, like I said I only felt this once, with my first boyfriend, and I think I was entitled to feel it back then. In the meantime, I never really loved a man until now. I think my current boyfriend is the only guy I ever loved, with all my heart, in a mature way, not just the initial attraction. We've been in a relationship for 2 years.

He's a loving and caring INTP (yeah, they exist), with a pretty bad memory too. ;)) Like I said, his past doesn't mean anything to him, he doesn't live in the past or thinks of ex lovers from when he was 20 with regret. Both of us were shaped to become who we were when we met by our past and previous relationships. We talked about it at some point, and knowing who we were when we were younger, we don't think it would have lasted or that we would have had a healthy relationship if we met earlier.

He doesn't like the thought of other men touching me or having sex with me previously either, but for him it's easier just not to think of that. He knows it's something we can't act upon, so it doesn't make sense to him to be preoccupied with it.

I think the problem, when it gets to surface, is mine, and that I need to work with myself. I also had a very troubled childhood, where I didn't feel loved, wanted or secure.
 

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I think the problem, when it gets to surface, is mine, and that I need to work with myself. I also had a very troubled childhood, where I didn't feel loved, wanted or secure.
Yes I read your whole post, and sure some details come handy, makes sense to me. The sexual past can be important (there are lots of things we might not like and might not want to live with that). Mostly, when it comes to making sense, is not just what you do(did) is why and how. I dated several women with sexual past and that's ok, but one of them had sex and a whole relationship with a priest (the kind that don't suppose to have sex or love relationships), I mention this to make sense of the how and why.

The reasons why the sex past (normal sexual past) can hurt us can be different and based on diff reasons, doesn't mean they make sense or they should stop you, it is as unrelated as virgins never lie or steal. Sex is just sex, still, is tricky, is not something we shouldn't talk about, but the more we do talk about it the more it can hurt (if you let it). In many ways the past is the past. One of my strongest conclusions it has to do with being hurt, or being told by parents (father figures) about the expectations. After all it doesn't even make sense to expect nobody to have sex until that person get to know US/You.

The past is the past, it should be treated with respect, ask, talk but don't fall into a cycle of living in the past. Sorry for your last lines (your whole post is important) but being insecure is something that can stay with us, same as not feeling loved. Some people can develop attachment to sex in the sense that equals sex to love, while sex can happen without it. Yes I had a relationship with someone matching those last lines and it appeared she wanted to erase my past, it wasn't sexual, it was a compulsion because everything discussed openly became a problem, I thought of sex at first but it wasn't that, it was "everything" at the end, why? I don't know, I don't even know if she knows, but in her case she wanted it all (we can't have the past).

I hope you can pass this and let the past (yours and his) behind and enjoy the beautiful present you can have.
 

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I love him, and I know he's guilty of nothing. Why do I feel like this?
How "can I" feel this way; in spite of trusting, feeling secure, loving, knowing opposite - (re: (X)- SO)? A reformulated question of this matter, may perhaps pose some clarity and/or insight to your own feelings source - and encourage a better understanding of (X) deep-seated causes as to not feel alienated + expose an alternative way to approach to the matter, and thus relieve the reflexive negative emotional-stimuli arising via the tensions between your thoughts, emotional responses and what is actually the case - and possible adversion, recognizing that "adversion" to threats is normal, if not a cognitive/congenital fact of every humanoid regardless of sex, race, intellectual capacity and so forth - but not when threats are no longer actually present:

That (X)-relationship consequences/side-effects -- or (X)-thoughts - or past-histories/women are not actual problems, and/or the [main] causes - but rather it is a mode of a cognitive-defect unique to most animals that are inducing such feelings, that is also controllable with some effort.

I reckon it is a product of high-functioning associative 'illusions' generated via false and/or inaccurate memories --- in a sense, this activates an intuitive / reflexive and/or emotional response to past women and whether or not you know the traits and/or characters of such past women, can simultaneously breed anxiousness around the ambiguity; as [primitive] as it sounds, it is that such women may be hostile, sexually potent, and lurking in the shadows of ones conscious awareness as a seductress. A sureness in ones caution coming from such women, and thus such women are possible 'present' threats that may not manifest in a manner as (X)-female humanoid - or in the physical (e.g., an ex walking back into his life), but rather may manifest in essence within your SO's memories - the essence of such an existence causes distraction(s) and/or distinct fluctuations in ones behaviors - and moods towards (X), and/or about (Y).

Such 'illusions of past women' - pose themselves as "mental objects" (e.g., an intentionality) of sorts, that exist in essence to your SO; and haunt yourself as posing threats, even if absent within your bed, and within the actual realm of (X)-relationship between you (&) your SO. Threats -- threatens ones safety; and threatens ones survival, fetishizing these illusions of past women indeed, produces strain on relationships or the pariticipants - even if indirectly, which may deplete the surivival of (X)-relationships.



Indeed, not all of such affects are consciously and/or readily observable.


The aggression and/or strong adversion comes from various causes and omits various consequences, I will name only one -- and an apparent bias that perhap(s) may bring more ease - but perhap(s) is not readily as asscessible to the participant, is an perception that because you are susceptible to 'fall into conflict' with these imaginary past-women; your S.O., is perhap(s) as susceptible to fall 'victim' to such seductresses; as well. And indeed, perhap(s) you will reject this at first, that in fact, it is true that I think of no such thing. But I contend, that such attitudes / behaviors are morphed in less high-functioning high-order mental activity; and are much more subtle, such as an urge to seek out a source for (X)-feelings, that are currently hindered by a blindspot.

How common is this?
Due to it occuring in such a (relation) that is impacted by strong sentiment / emotion(s) and/or romantic-feelings, the prevalence of such adversion within such a locality seems abnormal, uncommon, and a "problem" to be corrected within and outside of romantic-relations, but these mental-error(s) are farily common, normal, and generally unproblematic within the daily functionality of human cognition.

Ex; (1)

Consider: Common sense / hunting / home-security systems.


_______________________________

Such reflexive biases / mental errors can be overcome and/or reduced rather than prevented ::

One with slowing down ones thought-process to induce a more stable foundation to analyze (X)-sources of ones feelings; reaffirmation that illusions are simply illusions - and that such women are no longer threat(s) within actuality. Thus, re-assuring ones safety and security within (X)-relationship.


Are these thoughts/feelings normal?
Yes, indeed. And not so much problematic -- or to be solved/fixed, but rather reduced in the near future to ease any distress. Not that feelings are problematic in themselves, but without monitoring such "illusions," can become rationalized and/or passed off into other cognitive unit(s) that makes the participant more readily to accept such threats as 'actual threats' and/or as "true" (women) - in this context, to be concerned about, when demonstrably, the humaniod is already safe in ones atmosphere.

 

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@Hiraeth
Hmm...I think it also probably has to do with your type. As an ENTP, I don't have any problems with sexual pasts of my partners. I had an ex who went to a prostitute when he was in Amsterdam and had no problem wit that. I would have a problem if he was currently doing it, but I also expect the same from my partner to not have any issues with my past. I think the only thing I would have an issue with would be something serious like if he was a convicted rapist or if he had been to a child brothel in Thailand or something.

Short of that, I have no issues with past relationships, mostly because that is how I expect to be treated. I am not trying to be dismissive, but I do find it interesting. I think the question has to do with is it insecurity about you or are you secretly angry or disgusted with him? I would say most of the time it is insecurity about yourself, and for a relationship to be successful you have to be really secure and happy with yourself and then connect with the other person. These three books are great for getting there:


https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B005BSQWVM/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B017WSFHEQ/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B005CWSC06/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title
 

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As usual @Hiraeth, I love @Catwalk's answer. I will offer a much less detailed and short organic response that is analogous to her extremely well constructed (argument) answer. :)

You ... yes you ... are struggling with the desire based problem of worthlessness. A wild guess would place you at enneatype 4 or at least a strong 4 if all your enneatypes are measured.

The trouble with 4s and all people have some 4 in them, is that they sort of drift away from the present. They dwell on the future and they wallow in emotion. Since the future is wispy imagination and the 4 likes emotion and high emotive states they necessarily are drawn both to wallow and to both flights of fancy aimed at unicorns in quickly blooming sun-soaked fields and dark terror landscapes of lightening and pain.

The core aspect of worthlessness is often piqued by essential shame, and offshoots of shame, like envy. One might have the feeling for instance that the dangerous past that cannot be changed is a death knell for the future, hence the preference then for the lightening and pain.

The defense against the dark arts you need is what all 4s need. Ground yourself in the present. Look over there right now. Anchor yourself here, now, not in some forecasted future or dead past. Honor and respect what has gone before that is the past. It has made a man, crafted a partner for you, that you love. It DOES resonate right now with you. It was perhaps even necessary. Suffering brings wisdom. Further, it is you, NOW, that craft and choose your actions. You can choose to avoid the lightning and pain in many ways. You can aim at the sun-soaked meadows or at least a nice autumnal vista in Tuscany. It's YOUR CHOICE.

Do not dwell on the past or the future. They WILL evoke this shame in you. DO not wallow in that shame when it comes. Face it NOW and admit it is there. Stare down your demon and use ANGER, the emotion of the present tense to dispel its suggestions. Wallow in the glory of anger's victory. Assert your right to be in his life and BE (present tense) his choice, worthy both by default as all are worthy and also via your choice(s). You can do it!
 
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Discussion Starter #19
Thank you, guys, so much, for taking the time to read what I wrote and reply to me, and for the recommended books as well.
@series0, I love the way you write. I'm type 4 indeed.

Sorry for the short reply, I'm having some bad days due to different reasons, and it's like my brain doesn't work right now.
 
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