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If thee is one thing I've learned in 22 years it's this. Everyone. Will fail you, they will not live up to your expectations, they will not react how you want them to. You will not live up to your expectations. I'm sick of the bullshit. I know who I am but I don't know how to present myself.

This....has seriously been the most confusing and depressing 2 years of my life. I'm tired, and if I didn't believe in God I'd kill myself, it's only the faith that things will get better that gets me up in the morning. I don't give a damn about money. I don't really care about anything...especially not the things I have and that is fucking terrible. I don't even know what I want, maybe it's closeness with someone?

My relationships suck, I fuck them up every time. I've been bad to the people who cared about me, I'm self centered, narcissistic, lazy, and delusional. I don't know if it's a chemical imbalance in my brain or if I have shitty circumstances, maybe a combination, but right now, I'm just not happy.

I wanted someone to read this, I don't need you to tell me its ok or give me advice or even post at all, just needed to get it off my chest and know that someone read it. I want to be good, but I'm not. I'll try to be and I'll keep trying to be until I give up or die.

if you feel you must respond just post how you feel, a confessional of sorts, even if you think you're amazing and people are amazing and life is amazing, post that. But for the love of god don't let this be that attention seeking self depreciating type of post that sad lonely people make. I am sad and lonely, but....I want to do sad and lonely right haha.
 

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If thee is one thing I've learned in 22 years it's this. Everyone. Will fail you, they will not live up to your expectations, they will not react how you want them to. You will not live up to your expectations. I'm sick of the bullshit. I know who I am but I don't know how to present myself.
I know this, I've experienced this and guess what? I'm engaged. I have a love/hate relationship with humanity, but I don't think about it too much unless it's in front of me. I'm 21, and through all the suffering I've had really amazing people in my life and that's the people I live for. Everyone will fail because everyone is unexprienced at something. You will fail. I will fail.

. I don't give a damn about money. I don't really care about anything...especially not the things I have and that is fucking terrible. I don't even know what I want, maybe it's closeness with someone?
Maybe you long for someone who understands you and your reasons, that understands why you're so depressed and sad.

My relationships suck, I fuck them up every time. I've been bad to the people who cared about me, I'm self centered, narcissistic, lazy, and delusional. I don't know if it's a chemical imbalance in my brain or if I have shitty circumstances, maybe a combination, but right now, I'm just not happy.
You sound exactly like my lover you know? He said this a lot to me and still does sometimes.
Aya, I suck.
Aya, I'm a selfish ass. Why do you love me? How can you love me?
Aya, I'm depressed again because I can't draw well.
Aya, I hate this.

I always tell him otherwise. Always. I have to remind him how good he is and how good he has done to me. Maybe you need someone like that too. That supports you and loves you no matter what.

If you think you're narcissistic, delusional and with chemical imbalance you might what to check a doctor. Maybe they can help you.

Just one more thing a guy once told me about relationships. You're only a good partner if your partner is good to you​.
 

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Ooh... marry me... for the tax benefits... and the cheaper rent... and the invitations to couples parties that feel awkward about inviting the single person as if it might threaten their relationship now that they're a couple and can only hang out with other couples...

dysfunctional relationships are my specialty... I recoil at traditional expectations of intimacy and couplehood... so you being a complete bastard would be a plus.

Also it would help if you have some spectacular talent or ability, something marketable... something that brings people to their knees overcome with emotion or desire for how incredibly talented you are... but yet you're just completely in the dark about, self doubting... 'cuz that would totally motivate me to hang in there ... to try to save your ability that *must* be shared with the world... to become your delusional stalker in the futile attempts to save you from yourself and then divorce you, taking half of your earnings on the slim chance you do actually become a success... so I can move onto the next project.
 

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Everyone will fail because everyone is unexprienced at something. You will fail. I will fail.

Though that kind of reminds me of....


(just change to career to relationship)

Just one more thing a guy once told me about relationships. You're only a good partner if your partner is good to you​.
And it's easy to get locked into excuses too..

also settling for less

I know I have trouble with the value systems, been swept into a few relationships where I genuinely cared or was concerned for the person but wasn't ready to settle down with them or perhaps in general.

so perhaps some of my experiences will be helpful in this discussion...

like my other post... my theatrical bit... my own experiences, I'm certainly self obsessive... but what frequently happened was I key in, focus on one aspect of the person that *works* and ignore all the obvious flaws.

I like flaws, some flaws are good...they certainly round out more than the perfections, the fantasy ideals that so many people are looking for...

as predictable as it can be said, it does require more balance.

and when we can achieve that balance, any kind of healthy balance in our lives, or even our checkbooks... there is the greater question of how can we expect to achieve it in our relationships?

But flaws... the other side of the fantasy ideal

my own flaws, quite numerous too, often get sidetrack in boosting the positives of the other person... so if there's a problem on their behalf, it's more my issue, my problem for inability to adapt or otherwise deal with it. I'm certainly more aware of my flaws, boundaries and barriers. And being a cynical, generally mistrusting, masochist (formally known as humanitarian) ... oh how it shades our apocalyptic, dystopian fantasy...

In the past, I've had trouble with communicating my needs and concerns... which were really the bigger, the biggest problem.

And of course, there's the problem of throwing a bit too much of personal preferences out the window... for what everything common sense would say is a bad relationship from the start -- true, factual, incompatibility.

social bits might be there... and might have been okay as a fling, but probably should have been left in the platonic domain.

It's not just self sacrifice on my part -- I did get something out of those relationships, although it was something I probably could have gotten without getting into a relationship. But let's not kid ourselves... it's difficult not to be in a relationship - there's incredible pressure to in our society to settle down -- as if it is a required rite of passage on the path to adulthood.

And then there's the bloody friggin' gay community and their marriage equality fight that put picket fences all along the drive of just shacking up with your other unconfirmed bachelor or spinster roommate... which would have been an easy enough dadt pass... even if you were str8. Sure, you'd still probably get some nagging from family and friends or others might try to invite you out as a couple, but still you could have gotten away with a discrete, non involved, non existent, relationship... living a quiet, boring, life.

Ugh, and never mind the drive for children... oh you can get a surrogate or you can adopt... I'll be your reference!

And let's face it, it's difficult to work on or negotiate imbalances in a relationship together... usually problems aren't addressed until there's a need for a third party mediator, an intervention of some sort some time apart.

And often that time apart builds more walls and other obstacles... that leaves walking away temporarily or often more permanently as the better choice. Many of us just don't have the schedules nor the finances as sometimes needed to take a break from all the distractions in our lives to examine our relationships.

But meh... excuses. good excuses... but meh.

maybe I should have just replied with "ditto"

or beth ditto.

yeah, I think I need some beth today.
 

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It took you 22 years to learn that? We all just trudge along until we die.
 
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If thee is one thing I've learned in 22 years it's this. Everyone. Will fail you, they will not live up to your expectations, they will not react how you want them to. You will not live up to your expectations. I'm sick of the bullshit. I know who I am but I don't know how to present myself.

Yes, sometimes, people will fail you. Sometimes, you will fail yourself. At times, you won't live up to your expectations and sadly, yes, they might not react desirably. I know exactly what you mean there, "I know who I am but I don't know how to present myself." Learn how to present yourself in a way that is most authentic to who you are. If it means lifestyle changes or change of habit, do it. "Fake it until you become it", I would say. In what way do you not know how to present yourself?

I think this is quite relevant here:



This....has seriously been the most confusing and depressing 2 years of my life. I'm tired, and if I didn't believe in God I'd kill myself, it's only the faith that things will get better that gets me up in the morning. I don't give a damn about money. I don't really care about anything...especially not the things I have and that is fucking terrible. I don't even know what I want, maybe it's closeness with someone?


My relationships suck, I fuck them up every time. I've been bad to the people who cared about me, I'm self centered, narcissistic, lazy, and delusional. I don't know if it's a chemical imbalance in my brain or if I have shitty circumstances, maybe a combination, but right now, I'm just not happy.
Instead of slabbing on labels on yourself and others (which would just make you feel even shittier + guilt and shame are just toxic emotions to any relationship, even a relationship with yourself), meaning, instead of evaluating the situation - observe them. Think about what happened before, your observations, "Why did X cry when I said this." Instead of, "I'm a self-centrered, narcissistic asshole!" Think, concrete thoughts. What DID you do? What could you have done?

I wanted someone to read this, I don't need you to tell me its ok or give me advice or even post at all, just needed to get it off my chest and know that someone read it. I want to be good, but I'm not. I'll try to be and I'll keep trying to be until I give up or die.

if you feel you must respond just post how you feel, a confessional of sorts, even if you think you're amazing and people are amazing and life is amazing, post that. But for the love of god don't let this be that attention seeking self depreciating type of post that sad lonely people make. I am sad and lonely, but....I want to do sad and lonely right haha.
And we've read it :) Also, *bitch-slaps Penguin* that makes no sense. You want to be sad and lonely? Ofcourse you don't, if you did you wouldn't be feeling so bad right now and having posted this. You would have been at peace with it and not have the need to get it off your chest. You're not a monster, unless you're a socio-path (or a socio-path wannabe :p ) which I doubt you are -- most people have a conscience and are able to empathize with others.
 

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If thee is one thing I've learned in 22 years it's this. Everyone. Will fail you, they will not live up to your expectations, they will not react how you want them to. You will not live up to your expectations. I'm sick of the bullshit. I know who I am but I don't know how to present myself.

This....has seriously been the most confusing and depressing 2 years of my life. I'm tired, and if I didn't believe in God I'd kill myself, it's only the faith that things will get better that gets me up in the morning. I don't give a damn about money. I don't really care about anything...especially not the things I have and that is fucking terrible. I don't even know what I want, maybe it's closeness with someone?

My relationships suck, I fuck them up every time. I've been bad to the people who cared about me, I'm self centered, narcissistic, lazy, and delusional. I don't know if it's a chemical imbalance in my brain or if I have shitty circumstances, maybe a combination, but right now, I'm just not happy.

I wanted someone to read this, I don't need you to tell me its ok or give me advice or even post at all, just needed to get it off my chest and know that someone read it. I want to be good, but I'm not. I'll try to be and I'll keep trying to be until I give up or die.

if you feel you must respond just post how you feel, a confessional of sorts, even if you think you're amazing and people are amazing and life is amazing, post that. But for the love of god don't let this be that attention seeking self depreciating type of post that sad lonely people make. I am sad and lonely, but....I want to do sad and lonely right haha.
Been there, done that. We all have those phases of life, just read a biography on any famous person in history. Chin up and keep doing the right thing, if you do that it gets better, much better at times.
 

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All I want to say is that it takes strength to acknowledge our own flaws/weaknesses, and even more strength to admit them to others.
Keep on pushing forward, @Penguin. You got this.
 

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@Penguin Having a negative outlook in life will only allow you to feel miserable. While it's true that whomever you form a relationship with will fail you, it's also true that no one here is perfect and we're all in the same boat. Just as there is a negative there's also a positive, you just haven't chosen to flip that coin yet. If you truly knew how & who you are, you would know how to represent yourself. It seems you still have some thoughts and habits to sort out.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
@Penguin Having a negative outlook in life will only allow you to feel miserable. While it's true that whomever you form a relationship with will fail you, it's also true that no one here is perfect and we're all in the same boat. Just as there is a negative there's also a positive, you just haven't chosen to flip that coin yet. If you truly knew how & who you are, you would know how to represent yourself. It seems you still have some thoughts and habits to sort out.
Well it could be that I know who I am but not WHAT I am. I don't really have a defining career or anything yet.

anyway that post was a low point. Life is just hard sometimes ya know?
 

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Why run when you cannot walk yet ? You cannot complain when you have not tried. Not trying means you are just stopping your own self from going forward, everybody tries to leap through this stage in life, and this step. You thinking that there is more happiness, without going through the tribulation part to get there is at best more delusional and sets against yourself than you would think.

This is why "quarter-life" crisis happens. This "me me me me" generation is too much. You hardly scratched the basics of your own life, and understanding of your own sense of self. This mental, or spiritual annilation is that EXACTLY that manifestation of yourself in your life.

You have not compared yourself to others, and that is why you do not know "what" you are. You are an ENTJ. Yet you do not think that you are, and you do not know your own strengths and weaknesses, well, here is the beginning journey of that....

Use your own strength to get what you want in life.
For the food that is on your table.
For the money that goes to your bank account.
For the friendships that you will build over time.
For the partner that will be want to be beside your side.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Why run when you cannot walk yet ? You cannot complain when you have not tried. Not trying means you are just stopping your own self from going forward, everybody tries to leap through this stage in life, and this step. You thinking that there is more happiness, without going through the tribulation part to get there is at best more delusional and sets against yourself than you would think.

This is why "quarter-life" crisis happens. This "me me me me" generation is too much. You hardly scratched the basics of your own life, and understanding of your own sense of self. This mental, or spiritual annilation is that EXACTLY that manifestation of yourself in your life.

You have not compared yourself to others, and that is why you do not know "what" you are. You are an ENTJ. Yet you do not think that you are, and you do not know your own strengths and weaknesses, well, here is the beginning journey of that....

Use your own strength to get what you want in life.
For the food that is on your table.
For the money that goes to your bank account.
For the friendships that you will build over time.
For the partner that will be want to be beside your side.
having to read this a few times, but thank you.
 

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Maslow's Hierarchy + Appropiate time/age to do that certain something + mtbi (defined strengths of your mbti type) = A Wonderful and worthwhile Life


A lot of people try, but they cannot reach this, and the cycle is the same per generation, but stopped trying is also key too.
At some point, do not push for better, and just call in the chips, especially if you have past the timeframe to do something.
 

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If thee is one thing I've learned in 22 years it's this. Everyone. Will fail you, they will not live up to your expectations, they will not react how you want them to. You will not live up to your expectations. I'm sick of the bullshit. I know who I am but I don't know how to present myself.

This....has seriously been the most confusing and depressing 2 years of my life. I'm tired, and if I didn't believe in God I'd kill myself, it's only the faith that things will get better that gets me up in the morning. I don't give a damn about money. I don't really care about anything...especially not the things I have and that is fucking terrible. I don't even know what I want, maybe it's closeness with someone?

My relationships suck, I fuck them up every time. I've been bad to the people who cared about me, I'm self centered, narcissistic, lazy, and delusional. I don't know if it's a chemical imbalance in my brain or if I have shitty circumstances, maybe a combination, but right now, I'm just not happy.

I wanted someone to read this, I don't need you to tell me its ok or give me advice or even post at all, just needed to get it off my chest and know that someone read it. I want to be good, but I'm not. I'll try to be and I'll keep trying to be until I give up or die.

if you feel you must respond just post how you feel, a confessional of sorts, even if you think you're amazing and people are amazing and life is amazing, post that. But for the love of god don't let this be that attention seeking self depreciating type of post that sad lonely people make. I am sad and lonely, but....I want to do sad and lonely right haha.

You make unrealistic expectations for people and yourself, and then, when they and you fail to reach them, which is inevitable given their unrealistic nature, you feel disappointed and that has made you unhappy. I used to have repeatedly unrealistic expectations of myself during puberty and that made me eventually, clinically depressed. You should learn to not expect perfection, because such thing doesn't exist and you have to learn that you can't control people, only suggest to them and advise them.
Have you tried therapy?You probably need it.
 
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