[GoGo]

I was curious as to how other enfp types would react to this subject. The subject itself was spawned from a conversation I had the other day in which a friend of mine asked me something personal that I didn't really want to discuss with her, so I denied her request. Upon hearing that I had no intention of spilling the beans she said this:

"OH." (This was on fbook chat. Clearly, this is not an oh in which something new has been discovered. This is an oh that implies a sense of dismissal. She might as well have said "whatever..."(whatever, having been voted as the most annoying word in the English language)).

This really felt demeaning, so I immediately became hostile after this statement, replying: "If you're going to be sarcastic about something completely personal and frankly, none of your business, then I guess that's fine too."

She then instantly felt bad about it and started telling me he she "wasn't being sarcastic, etc." If she wasn't being sarcastic or trying to make a point, I really just don't understand why she said it in the first place.

My question is, when a friend (or anyone, really) says something "sarcastic," or "jokingly," where does the distinction between humor and meaning lie? Sometimes I feel as though a lot of people disguise how they really feel by putting it into the form of a joke, so when someone says something like "OH" to me, I don't respond to the (bullshit) excuse that someone was "just joking," and that that takes away the clout of any negative implications or insinuations.

In this friend of mine's social circle, this habit is particularly bad. I've heard them say absolutely horrible things to each other, but because they were "joking," it's "alright." Frankly, I find it cowardly and childish.

Imagine jokingly calling someone fat. To sit and pretend that because you were "joking," that means that the person you insulted has no concrete reason to have their feelings hurt is simply a cowardly and unjustified means of airing out how you truly feel. If you're going to be a three year old and tell me "OH," after I've chosen not to give out personal information, then I'm going to have a problem. Be an adult and tell me how you feel in plain English, because I refuse to respond to negative sarcasm.

Again, the question, where does the distinction between humor and meaning (meaning being the joke's "true intent"). Ideally, if someone has a problem, one should share it, not express it through snide, hurtful remarks. Is this not true, or am I living in a different world?

 

[GoGo]

Aghhhhh.... I did it again.

I suppose that I do tend to assume the worst in some people when I'm stressed. Thanks for pulling me back down to Earth. I can be a victim of my own imagination sometimes.

 

[GoGo]

INTJs take trust & understanding - knowing who a person is - really seriously and the ability to push it verbally & be understood is almost interpreted as proof of friendship.

The safety net of friendship in a conversation is often thrown out of the window in my mind whenever someone says something negative (not entirely sure what encompasses "negative," but pretty much anything that seems to put a damper on the mood). I tend to judge a relationship by how much the conversation lacks these sort of statements, so I can certainly see the latent insecurity/doubt this sort of misunderstanding could create. It seems to me that ENFP and INTJ just rely on opposing factors of friendship for their "proof" of it. As you say, an INTJ looks for signs of understanding (which I do now comprehend, because I've certainly played this ball park before), while an ENFP will look for straightforward signs of reassurance (which, I suppose can be done through a sense of understanding, but this process can easily head down a different road).

I was thinking about the conversation again yesterday, and to an extent, because I've known this girl and her friends for three years now, I have a grasp on when she and her friends are being passive-aggressive. Perhaps "OH." wasn't the most obviously negative statement of the night, but I also have to take into consideration just how immature these people can be sometimes (a trait further indicated by having asked me something personal on FACEBOOK CHAT). While I admit I may have overreacted to that particular instance, she now at least knows not to play that game with me (which I know she does play frequently with people).