[selfinsufficient]

am i making this too big of a deal? should i just forget about it? i have trusted my istj boyfriend from the start, and he never made me feel that i shouldn't. he is very loyal and faithful and committed to our relationship and absolutely in love with me that i would never question it. and when i say that i mean it- i completely believe his love for me. he puts me on a pedastal, adores me, would never do anything to put our relationship in jeopardy or to risk losing me. everyone who knows him has never seen him in love like this, they are always telling me how much they can tell he is head over heels in love with me and i agree- he makes me feel that way.

everything would be fine except that 2 months ago i saw something that hurt me and have been keeping it in. i am not sure if i should let it bother me the way it does or if i should let it go. i have not been able to let it go yet.

my istj trusts me and he has told me all the passwords to his accounts etc. I don't ever use them, i believe in trust and i don't care to be a snoop. one day though i needed to use his ipad and i logged in by using the password he had given me. his facebook page had been left open on the screen. he rarely uses his facebook, never goes on there. i could have just exited but just out of habit i clicked on the message icon. not expecting to find anything it was more just a reflex. i guess if i had done this a few days before i would have found nothing and never would have checked again. but coincidentally there was a message he had just sent a few days prior. one night he had gotten extremely drunk. i was at home that night, it was a weekday night and he had had a lot of work, and went for drink afterwards with friends. got absolutely obliterated drunk. sent me some crude sexual texts. i knew he was drunk b/c they were very crude and he deosn't talk like that unless he is that drunk. apparently that same night he had sent a facebook message to a mutual friend of ours. it was a message telling her that she is hot.

when i saw it i felt so hurt and betrayed. i called her and she said she had not responded (she hadn't) and that she had seen him that night and knew he was "wasted" and had not taken it seriously and felt it was best not to say anything as it was a one time thing under that kind of circumstance. she told me he had talked to her the next day apologizing profusely and was sincerely embarrassed about the whole thing. i trust her she is a good friend. but i am disturbed that he did that. i decided not to say anything about it and let it go but it is still there, in the back of my mind and i have to admit that i trust him less now. and i contemplate checking his accounts again.

what should i do?i want very much to confront him but if i say something i have to admit that i snooped. i feel ashamed that i did that. but i haven't been able to forget that he did that. am i making it a bigger deal than it is? he and i are so faithful and loyal to each other, and we expect it from each other. i feel hurt that he sent her that. what was he trying to do? should i just let it go?

 

[selfinsufficient]

why would a guy who is happy with his girlfriend do that? was it just innocent?

 

[Lola Lolek]

what's wrong with admitting you snooped? I think all parties involved understand it was message sent under sub-optimal communication conditions. It'll make you feel better to bring it up now, then let it go for what it's worth. People make mistakes. Admit them, forgive and forget, then move on (wish I would listen to my own advice. hmmm).

 

[PeaceOfMind]

If I was in your position, I would come clean and tell him right away that I read the message on his facebook and was bothered by what I saw. Because if I keep it to myself, I'm just going to keep on torturing myself with these thoughts/trust issues, etc, without even giving him a chance to work with me to resolve it. He can't do that if he doesn't know. Sure, he may be upset that you took a look at his messages, but he told you all his passwords for all his accounts so he must be prepared for the possibility that you'll accidentally take a look at his messages. I'm not saying what you did was right, but it's not like you hacked into his accounts. If he wants to he can simply change his passwords.

Hope this helps.

 

[DaisyChain]

It's the alcohol - not the personality.

Sounds to me like it was a one-time thing, unless he has a habit of (1) drinking too much, or (2) doing really stupid things when around his guy friends. Either way, I read this as an act of immaturity and nothing more.

If I were you, I would tell him that "I know you got so drunk back in (month) that you texted (name of friend) and told her she was hot. I understand that you were drunk at the time, and that you love me and regret this incident."

I bet he'll make some private resolutions after you say that.

I'm actually surprised, and tending to think that he's young (college age?) I would think that ISTJs don't get "smashed" much, precisely because we're afraid of losing that beautiful self-control appearance we show to the world.

 

[Agent Blackout]

If I was in your position, I would come clean and tell him right away that I read the message on his facebook and was bothered by what I saw. Because if I keep it to myself, I'm just going to keep on torturing myself with these thoughts/trust issues, etc, without even giving him a chance to work with me to resolve it. He can't do that if he doesn't know. Sure, he may be upset that you took a look at his messages, but he told you all his passwords for all his accounts so he must be prepared for the possibility that you'll accidentally take a look at his messages. I'm not saying what you did was right, but it's not like you hacked into his accounts. If he wants to he can simply change his passwords.

Hope this helps.

PeaceOfMind:
You stole most of the words out of my mouth. Hands. Fingers. Whatever, lol.
Bolded is absolutely true.

selfinsufficient:
First - You didn't do anything wrong by "snooping" (idk if I would even call it that) ... and what PeaceofMind said.
Second - He was drunk when he sent the message to the girl. We don't know if he meant anything by what he sent her. And then he apologized to the girl, so this kinda makes me doubt that he had any aim in mind. But you won't know anything for sure unless you talk to him directly and resolve the issue.

Hope this helps...

 

[DaisyChain]

Maybe those guy friends dared him. Drunk young men together - well, at some point the conversation will get to "who would you so lay if you could?"

Unpleasant, immature - sure. But I believe that he has no intention of cheating on you. Chalk it up to drunken stupidity, and move on. Unless the voluntary abdication of common sense ( = getting smashed) is a regular thing.

 

[selfinsufficient]

@DaisyChain he has serious anxiety issues he has been dealing with since childhood and drinks to calm his nerves. mostly he just has a drink or two, but sometimes he has gotten very very drunk b/c he has a friend who goads him to drink more (we are worried about the friend b/c he seems to be an alcoholic), and whenever he goes out with that friend i know he is going to be coming back wasted. i agree with you guys that drinking changes things. i trust him completely when he is sober. i think the real issue here is that i don't trust him when he is drunk. and he has gotten drunk in the past enough times to make me think that it will happen again and i worry about it. he is 30.

 

[pinkrasputin]

Omg. I am only more me when I drink. Your motivations come out with less barriers. It doesn't matter if you are so embarrassed the next day, you apologize for it getting revealed.

1. I bet the guy does think this girl is hot, even when he is not drinking
2. He does stupid things when he is drunk. How can he claim he didn't mean it? He must not understand himself very well. He meant it, but he shield was gone.
3. Maybe this is all okay with you. It's up to you decide.


I think @DaisyChain has the best advice on what to say if you do approach him.

You can also decide not to decide anything and give him another chance, but if you spot anything like this again-that is your ticket to leave.

 

[DaisyChain]

Have you suggested counseling, to explore alternate ways to calm his nerves?

Or saying - "James has a drinking problem. I worry about you when you're with him. He does not bring out the best in you. I don't like the person you become when you choose to get drunk. Can we sit together and brainstorm other ways you could calm your nerves?"

I feel for you. Good luck!

 

[marlborored]

If ever you decided to bring this issue up, I think your boyfriend's gonna make you feel real bad about snooping on him to save face from that embarrassing moment. He most probably had a hunch that you already knew what happened that night if so, then he most certainly had prepared for what he has to say if ever you bring it up. Depending on how you will react is how the talk's gonna end.

 

[selfinsufficient]

@DaisyChain like most istjs (from what i have read) he is against counseling. i did bring it up to him before a while back and he was offended. said he had been to counselors all his life and doesn't want to go again. he is against medication. his parents messed him up pretty bad, they were very abusive. as was he abused in school too by peers. to his credit, since i have come into his life he has definitely calmed down more, i think my being there for him and loving him and his being able to trust me has helped him with a lot his issues, everyone always mentions to me how much better he seems since i've been in his life. he has worked on things.

 

[selfinsufficient]

@DaisyChain like most istjs (from what i have read) he is against counseling. i did bring it up to him before a while back and he was offended. said he had been to counselors all his life and doesn't want to go again. he is against medication. his parents messed him up pretty bad, they were very abusive. as was he abused in school too by peers. to his credit, since i have come into his life he has definitely calmed down more, i think my being there for him and loving him and his being able to trust me has helped him with a lot his issues, everyone always mentions to me how much better he seems since i've been in his life. he has worked on things.

 

[DaisyChain]

That's a shame. I've been in counseling and on medication, and I emerged stronger and better for it. I have my life together and my view strong and positive now, and I credit counseling for it.

I think you may get across to him by phrasing things in "When you choose to do X, people think that you are Y, and it makes me feel like Z." Emphasis on "choose".

Girl, I know you love and support him, but please don't lose sight of what's best for you, too. Decide what things you will not compromise on. Take care of yourself. It's nice that you're good for him. But periodically ask yourself - is he good for me?

(hug)

 

[Yardiff Bey]

It's the alcohol - not the personality.

In vino, veritas.

Even completely smashed, I'm simply more relaxed and crazy/funny. It brings out the inner "me" more.

 

[selfinsufficient]

@Yardiff Bey well yes to some extent this is true, but just because you think something (yes, that girl is attractive, he was drunk she was there and he sent the message. i know on a daily basis that he thinks of me as incredibly attractive and more attractive than her, and he would never trade me in for her or risk losing me for her). basically: i am not worried about him thinking she is hot. he thinks i am hotter and is grateful to have me. so him telling her that doesn't bother me and i know he wouldn't do anything when sober. and even when drunk, if i was there he would have been all over me. i wasn't there and he was very drunk. i can relate b/c on rare occasions when i have been extremely drunk and my boyfriend wasn't there, (two times) i have felt "frisky" and desired physical encounters (not sex) but for instance would have allowed guys to dance with me letting them get too close, touchy..putting their hands on me, normally i would not let this happen or even want it b/c i only ever want my boyfriend that way.. even when drunk i didn't actually let it happen but i wanted it. when it comes to it actually happening i get away from it b/c my rationality is still there somewhere and i stop it. drunken desire doesn't necessarily mean it's what you truly want. drunkenness can make you desire certain things b/c it makes you feel a certain way, but that doesn't mean that you would actually go through with it or want it in your right mind.

 

[selfinsufficient]

also there are different stages of being drunk. i've seen him in many. there are stages where he is happy, easy going, lighthearted and enjoying himself. then there are the more dangerous stages where he is just gone as a person. from what i was told he was the latter.

 

[the_natrix]

It was a message telling her that she is hot.

She told me he had talked to her the next day apologizing profusely and was sincerely embarrassed about the whole thing.

If thats all there is to it then he didn't mean to do anything wrong/offensive. If I got drunk I'd probably tell someone that they were hot just because its more or less a fact, not because I was interested in them.

 

[SnowFairy]

what should i do?i want very much to confront him but if i say something i have to admit that i snooped. i feel ashamed that i did that. but i haven't been able to forget that he did that. am i making it a bigger deal than it is? he and i are so faithful and loyal to each other, and we expect it from each other. i feel hurt that he sent her that. what was he trying to do? should i just let it go?

First off, are you sure he's an ISTJ? Getting rip-roarin' drunk, flirting with other people, etc. seems very out of character for an ISTJ...But then again I'm thinking from the girl's perspective. Maybe the guys are a little different. Still, you might want to reconsider his type.

Honestly if I were in your shoes, our relationship would have been over that very night. But that's just me. Once my trust is broken, the damage is permanent. However, since you're an INFP you might be very different in that sense, and maybe you're more capable of "forgiving and forgetting." Also without knowing more details about your relationship, I probably wouldn't be able to give you the best answer.

I guess I would just advise you to keep a very close eye on him from now on. If you suspect that there might be any further questionable conduct on his part, you might want to consider leaving.

Also if he refuses to admit that he made a mistake and does not apologize, that would be grounds for leaving too.

 

[Stephen]

First of all, you need to recognize that it was a mistake for you to look at his messages. In consideration of this point, all other things are irrelevant. Whether you were given his passwords or not, it's not an open invitation to wander around his Facebook page any time you want. OK, so letting that go, you made a mistake, and now you're in a situation where trust is up in the air. You need to get that trust back down to earth quickly.

Step one in this is to tell him what happened: that you opened his iPad and saw his messages on Facebook, that you're sorry for looking but what's done is done. Tell him you feel upset about what you read, and let him explain it to you in his way. I'm sure you'll know what to do about it from there. From the way you describe him, I expect he'll apologize for it and tell you exactly what happened in detail, and it will closely match your friend's description.

Then you need to decide whether to let the matter go. If you want the relationship with Mr. Almost Wonderful to last, you need to feel satisfied with his explanation, and he needs to feel satisfied with your apology for looking. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask him to unfriend the woman he said that to and stop speaking to her. I consider his comment a violation of your relationship with him... but that's just the way I see these things.

I'm in agreement with those in this thread who say he needs to stop drinking so much. He's clearly making shitty decisions when under the influence.