[icarus1984]

Hey I am an INTP and I carpool with an ESFP like once a month. We work together, but in different buildings. We have a great connection (at least in my opinion) and I have known her for about 10 months. ESFP's confuse me in general; I can never tell how she feels about me, it seems to be always changing!

Anways she has a boyfriend whom she lives with, so that is pretty serious (She never talks about him, but I have met him several times). The thing is, I am starting to develop feelings, and it sucks. I have had an experience with an ESFP before, and I end up feeling used for some reason. So I am trying to figure out some of her confusing behavior. It's just small, petty actions that I don't care about. But I find the overall behavior puzzling. If any ESPP's are familiar with some of the following behaviors, I'd appreciate it.

-Tries to play powergames and will lie / guilt trip me if I calmy call her out on her bullshit.
(i.e. it was her turn to carpool and she just implied it was my turn, twice)

-I left a message on her voicemail past weekend about a work-related issue and she did not call me back, or e-mail me. And another time I asked her for a work document and she never e-mailed it to me. Just acting passive aggressive in general.

-Has been somewhat shy recently, and is really quiet-almost sad look to her.

-Will playfully tease me

So I am just being neurotic, but I do not like someone trying to manipulate my feelings at all. Like I said we have a good connection and the above is rare occurence. Is this girl just using me for attention and should I forget about her? Could anyone clue me in who is an ESFP themself or familiar with ESFPs? I tend to be socially oblivious and its like this girl is like a social master. And I that is why I like her so much lol.

 

[jeniesfp]

I can tell you that shes probably not trying to use you, I as an ESFP tend to think I'm right all the time even though I'm forgetful myESFP friend is the same way. Also because we are so social and feel great in these situations most ESFPs come across as flirty even if we think we're just being friendly or are in a great mood that day. I've been told off by many people for "leading them on" or "using them" when these were not my intentions, I think it's the same with her. Me and my friend's minds both tend to be everywhere at once and off in our own world,which causes much forgetfulness and alot of unreturned texts and emails. We also wear our hearts on our sleeves meaning that if we look sad/upset we more than likely are, but the cause may not be as big as any introvert may think, i can look devestated because my boyfriend forgot to tell me goodmorning or my favorite cereal ran out, ect.... hope all this helps you with your ESFP friend. My advice is she enjoys your company and you probably confuse her as much as she does you. She may or may not be happy with her guy, I advice talking to her about it, ESFPs love to talk and usually have no secrets and will talk about anything to anyone. Good luck and godspeed hun.:happy:

 

[lady1024]

I am an ESFP female & I agree the behaviors we tend to exhibit can be confusing especially to the opposite sex as we do thrive off attention & can be quite flirtatious weather meaning to or not (its kind of in our nature). We want to be liked by all & also tend to be somewhat flighty at times. Hence the unreturned e-mails & voicemails. She may seem sad lately if she is not getting the love & attention she needs from her man or is having other issues at home. We are vey sensitive & a bit self conscious but never want to show that. Since we can come across as flirting it can also cause a significant other to question loyalty. This has been my expirience. I was unaware that what I considered being friendly was interpreted as being "too friendly". As far as the lying I would say perhaps she didn't want to be seen as a let down to you & tried to cover up her mistake by pretending she didn't know. It's like they say "performer"... It's a show for you so that you will accept her & like her. She probably doesn't even see it that way though. I felt sad & almost pathetic once I discovered the root of some of the actions brought to my attention I was unaware of before I discovered personality type traits. ESFP do care about others though; sometimes more than ourselves. What others think is very important to how we perceive ourself. Many people are magnetically drawn to ESFP because we draw people to us so just know it's part of the trait & maybe not what you think you may be developing personally. She has a live-in boyfriend so that should say enough right there. I wish you good luck in your situation & hope you get a little better of an understanding to help you.

 

[Parade of Sparrows]

-Tries to play powergames and will lie / guilt trip me if I calmy call her out on her bullshit.
(i.e. it was her turn to carpool and she just implied it was my turn, twice)

I can see this as her trying to play it off jokingly/ sarcastically . Often times when someone calls me out on something like this I know its my fault but I will jokingly poke at the person to try make them laugh. For example if i was in a similar situation and we were late for work. I would say something like "wow we so wouldn't late if someone would have driven like they were supposed to today". This is a joke and is meant to make you smile. I don't know about your exact situation, but that's how I generally handle being called out. The way I see it, if we don't joke about mistakes like this then the only thing that's left is the feeling of "oh i fucked up, it was totally my turn, how embarrassing" and that would fill the air of the car ride to work.

I have never seriously guilt tripped someone for them to actually do the task that I know myself to be responsible for. I always compromise with people to make things easier for them, not the other way around.

-I left a message on her voicemail past weekend about a work-related issue and she did not call me back, or e-mail me. And another time I asked her for a work document and she never e-mailed it to me. Just acting passive aggressive in general.

-Has been somewhat shy recently, and is really quiet-almost sad look to her.

What are you trying to relate this to in terms of emotional manipulation/confusion? If she looks sad then I suggest asking her whats wrong. If she looks sad, then she is sad and there isn't much more too it except for you to ask her why, or try to cheer her up.

If its work related, then I suggest going to her face to face and asking her yourself about these documents and work related questions if they are important enough. There could be many reasons as to why she hasn't gotten back to you on them. Maybe something is going on at home or the workload at work has made her miss some things. You have to realize that the attention span of esfp can be very small and we can forget about situations as new ones arrive. ESFP are driven to deal with what happens in the present because of our cognitive functions.

For example if something is going on at home or she is really busy at work, her priorities would be to deal with whats immediately important to her at first. I suggest keeping in touch and reminding her about such other works that you need, because she might have forgotten about it and could use a little help with remembering. Instead of you expecting her to be all about you, you should realize that esfp have a LOT of people in their lives that matter to them.

I've had times where my introverted (infp) "friend" will feel as if I'm ignoring her on purpose and will become angry with me for reasons she never came to me about. It annoys me that she believes its my goal to be "passive" with her without asking me whats wrong first.

"Sometimes life is fucking hectic, all the time."- me.

If she has a boyfriend btw, she's most likely just being friendly and doesn't realize shes flirting with you. I've been accused of flirting with girls when I honestly thought I was just being friendly and playful. It's gotten me into trouble before. You have to understand that she's the girl, you're the guy, if a romantic relationship were to develop then you would have to be the one who takes action. All esfp's are girls, trust me. Even the guys.

Also, I've noticed that ESFP do NOT like to just randomly start talking about their love lives with their outer circle of friends. I don't even bring up my love life that often with my inner circle of friends. You have to be the one who asks about this stuff. Then maybe you can find out if they are having troubles or not and decide if you want to make your move.

 

[Everyday Ghoul]

You sound just like me. The ESFP female is the only woman, with the ability to make me lose my head, in under ten minutes. I love the fact, that they're so uninhibited, carefree, easy going, flirtatious, and earthy sensual. Put a killer smile on an ESFP female, and I turn into a helpless puppy dog/mindless zombie. However, it is true, that they stand constantly accused of flirting with pretty much everyone they talk to or interact with. They definitely love their attention, as well. It's very easy to misread their intentions, if you don't know them well.

However, I have to say, that misread intentions, sound like an almost best case scenario, here. Healthy ESFP's are exceptionally loyal. If you have such an ESFP, the good news is, that's she likely to let you down very gently and probably even tell you, that she's flattered. Still, it hurts, because you know, that they're someone you have a lot of potential with, and they just confirmed it. It becomes a painful case of right person at the wrong time. On the other hand, if she's willing to entertain your feelings, I'd be very wary. An unhealthy ESFP, as much as any other unhealthy person, is a real nightmare. It has a few ways, that it could play out, but none of them are pleasant. A.) You have a one night stand, she insists it was a mistake, and she plays mind games, until you go insane. B.) It turns into an affair, but she splits, the second she starts to get real feelings for you, tearing your heart to shreds. C.) You become the new and instantly serious boyfriend. Things move exceptionally fast, but you're so happy, you go with it. Six months later, while you think everything is fine, you walk into work, to see an e-mail of her and your boss, going at it on your brand new bed, you just bought.

The only part, that personality type may play, is the mode of expression for the problems. I have known about three unhealthy ESFP females, and all of them used sex and their bodies, as their preferred method of self-destruction. Much like anyone else, they had "logical" validations for their actions. I believe one of them put it, "Well, these guys don't really know me, so they can't really love me. They just want a piece of ass, like all the rest. They're just trying to con me. So, why should I care what happens to them or what I do to them?" A very Fi/Ni way of thinking.