[Daveman]

I lay in bed for a while, and I thought about YOU.

I stopped pitying myself, and I stopped lecturing people in my mind about MBTI who I know don't care in real life. For once, I was not writting a novel that would change the perspective of the whole world.

I thought about how I could help you with this post. A warm feeling came over me. My mind was thinking, as it often does, but there was no anxiety. In my mind's eye, I saw INFJs sitting at their computer and smiling.

Listen (or read lol), you may not be able to change the world, but you can make an impact in the lives of other people. You can't be the bad guy. It isn't in you. Some INTJs may be able to live their lives happily as misanthorpes, but if you become one, then you will feel like a bad person, and it will destroy you.

Continue to fantasize about talking to people, present your ideas, but don't try to push them on others. Think as realistically as possible of ideas that can really make an impact on someone in your life or someone you could potentionally meet in the future, and imagine that the person appreciates you. Don't get swept away in theories or philosophy or even the MBTI- that was my mistake. And like I've said before, don't try to keep constantly changing your mindset. It will not bring you peace.

I've read on this forum before where someone said something to the affect of "don't worry about others; worry about yourself." I would recommend that you concern yourself with both. You need to take care of yourself. You have to have alone time, BUT by virtue of your personality it is very important for you to find a way to also serve others. You will never be fulfilled if you do not.

God or Nature or Fate or some space alien has put you on this earth to care for other people. I know you want people to care about you as well, and I also know that you feel like you will never be understood. Let those feelings go, and try your best to outwardly express yourself more. That's why people don't show their appreciation for you; they can't read what's going on in your head. Do not be affraid to show your emotions. They are not a weakness. Everybody has them (even Ts). They may cause you trouble during times of sadness, but they also allow you to care for others and be happy.

I hope that this has helped some of you. It has helped me in a big way. I recently told a family member that as soon as I could raise some money I would go back to school to become a psychologist. I am not going to die without making a difference. I suggest you don't either. You have too much to give.

 

[PaulH]

Nicely put!

What if we could comletely change the nature of these forums to promote, celebrate and encourage all of the positive things we bring to world?

 

[Tatl33]

Thank you, that really encouraged me :wink:

 

[Zomboy]

I believe as the INFJ we were given special eyes for which to see evil

And while that doesn't necessarily stop us from mucking about in it, it gives us a great advantage in a lot of situations

I have decided to use this 'gift' of mine for a purpose as well. I wish you the best in your endeavors

Good show

 

[overand]

this resonates.

 

[Daveman]

All the love that I had in my heart, which I lost as a child because of questioning my sanity, has now came back to me in a rush since I wrote that post.

I feel like I have reached self-actualization just in time for my birthday. :happy:

I am always here for any of you, if you need me.

 

[nikkii]

Awesome post, I agree with you. Thanks for the reassurance, I'm not only one that feels this way.

I want to go into phycology too. :tongue:

 

[Collossus]

I don't think God or Nature or Fate or some space alien has put me on this earth to care for other people, I did it myself. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I felt so alone and elusive in my thoughts. I discovered that I didn't have to make the first obvious move on the others, it just wasn't me to happen that way.
I only had to observe, without helping myself, not because I am so selfless that I wouldn't care about myself, but I never really needed any help. But I had to create situations in which I seemed to need help in order to bring the others closer, to give them the opportunity to choose me. So far, no one did, but I am not anxious about it, after all it is just a game. And this led me to the idea that I only care for the others because I care for myself and understand how, at the same time, I didn't need help but also did, completing each other as many other things that oppose each other.
I've never seen people unable to understand me, but rather scared to share their thoughts. Old ideologies scare people away from the simple happy things in life and distort their perfection with thoughts of darkness. I've never felt the bad guy, but sometimes I got lost in trying to understand why so many people are still so scared to love and be happy and instead they lock themselves in the cold empty spaces of their mind, even when they feel they are about to lose control over themselves.
We all need each other, if there wouldn't be for the others to show me that I matter, then who/what would?

 

[Daveman]

I don't think God or Nature or Fate or some space alien has put me on this earth to care for other people, I did it myself. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I felt so alone and elusive in my thoughts. I discovered that I didn't have to make the first obvious move on the others, it just wasn't me to happen that way.

I was mostly just being silly with that sentence. The random thought of a space alien in my mind made me laugh a little inside, so I thought I would share it. However, I often wonder how much we choose to be the way we are or how much our brain chooses it. In any case, I sure have had a hard time trying to figure myself out during a 2-year period of "self-improvement", where I was trying to change my mindset. I'm always so torn between the inner and out worlds, and until recently, I couldn't really figure out why.

Without even realizing it, I say: "Well, I should do something. Let me sit here and think about it first." When I actually don't HAVE anything going on, I imagine a possible future. Sometimes I talk to people in my head that don't even exist. I've imagined conversations with my "wife" several times.

The more issolated I become from the rest of the world the more book smart I become and the less common sense I have. For a long time now, I've had a desire to apply the "book smarts" to my interaction with others- thinking rather absurdly that it would give them a new perspective on things. Well, they have no idea what the hell I'm talking about most of the time, and I am well aware of that. So, I have come to the realization that I think it's better to imagine a more realistic, less awkward approach to social situations. I can still be insightful, but too much complexity is just not usually helpful, and people will typically just tune me out and not pay attention.

Nicely put!

What if we could comletely change the nature of these forums to promote, celebrate and encourage all of the positive things we bring to world?

I think that's a good idea. All personalities should know that they have both strengths and weaknesses. They shouldn't beat themselves up over the weaknesses, as we so often do. They should apply their strengths and work on trying to improve their weaknesses. HOWEVER, I've noticed that trying to get myself in the "right frame of mind" causes a lot of stress, and I end up thinking about things a lot more than I am actually doing things.

INFJs are drawn to complexities, but they should learn to enjoy simplicity as well. Don't intellectualize the situation too much. Admit to yourself that you actually do need people. SHOW appreciation for others and you can GET apprecaiton more often.

 

[Averic]

INFJs are drawn to complexities, but they should learn to enjoy simplicity as well. Don't intellectualize the situation too much. Admit to yourself that you actually do need people. SHOW appreciation for others and you can GET appreciation more often.

I just did this the other night. It works. I decided to just stop over thinking everything. Obviously it hasn't worked out so far so why keep going through with it? I needed to get out of my head and perform an action verb. It's difficult but worth it. Just because we can (almost) read other people's minds doesn't mean others can read ours.

 

[The Proof]

yea things get more streamlined as time goes on, you stop worrying about stuff and start going out more, opening up more etc.

which is nice and necessary

 

[Daveman]

Just to let everyone know how much of a perfectionist I am:

I am (too) aware that several of my posts are redundant. I don't mean to be annoying. I just don't know how much I can stress the importance of what I am trying to say, and I hope that anyone who has gone through similar situations that I have can be helped by it. My life has been a living hell.

Now, I have a strong desire to get out there and do something with my life. And I am going to find a way to develop meaningful relationships with people, and I will use the "gift" to help others- even if it means letting go of my male ego and being "sappy" from time to time.

 

[spook]

You can't be the bad guy. It isn't in you. Some INTJs may be able to live their lives happily as misanthorpes, but if you become one, then you will feel like a bad person, and it will destroy you.

This part probably hit me the hardest. I've tried not giving a shit about people, and I've acted like I didn't out of selfishness too, but it always makes me feel undeserving of love and happiness afterwards. That's no way to look after myself let alone look after others.

 

[Life.Is.A.Game]

Haha, poor us INFJ's....or so I thought in the past anyway, now I love myself because I understand myself.

Until the whole "personality type" and finally realizing i am INFJ, I was sooo confused on who I was. Everyone told me that " i need to love myself" but how do you love yourself when you don't know who you are? Especially being a perfectionist with myself and wanting everyone to love me, accept me, understand me, but all I got was hurt, dissapointed and confused. Because most people are not like me, they don't think like me, therefore can't understand me. They always told me "you think too much" but how do you stop that? That's how I was born, i don't put thoughts in my brain, they just come...

So after studying myself, learning about who I am and realizing that people around me do care (they just don't show it in the way i'd want them to), I finally came to love myself. Reading about my personality now I know that I can be manipulative, subconciously, I can pretend to be hurt, just to see who will take care of me, etc...

For a while there, I , too, got sick of helping people, realizing they don't really appreciate it, they take it the wrong way, telling me "you think you're smarter then me?" or..."oh, really, did you look at your own life before giving me advice?"...yes, it's easier for me to give advice then to actually take it, but that's how most people are. It's easier to see something on the outside , part of it because we can't figure out how to work on our own life, so we help others and part of it, because helping others give us a sense of accomplishment and a "happy feeling".

I think the most important thing I learned, is to not say everything that comes to my mind. People tend to misunderstand me all the time which really hurts me. So I've learned to talk to certain people in different ways. I can't go around talking about "personality types" with someone who I can see doesn't care to hear it. I act a different way with an INTJ who likes things straight forward and to the point, so that I don't "bore them to death", and usually before saying something right away, I think about it and analyze it first so I can say it in the form that they will understand. That's helped me a lot. It's a form of manipulation, but I don't use it in a bad way, I don't need people doing stuff for me ever. I just want them to be happy, so I "manipulate" people into thinking about things that I think they should think about. lol. I don't know if i'm making any sense. everything makes sense to me but when i'm typing it i feel like i'm saying blah blah blah

If I see an unhappy extrovert, who pretends to be happy and likes to talk about how happy and content they are, (like my husband for example) but I know it's just a "face" they put on so other people don't know how miserable they really are. In that case, I'll just pretend to go along with it, but I'll throw things in that makes him able to talk about his true feelings more and not have to hide it. Like when he's stressed out i'll ask him if he's happy and he says he's ok but i know he's stressed about his job and not having money so i'll remind him about the positive things in his life, and i'll "manipulate" him into thinking about that instead of the stressful things, then I can see how his mood changes. I love it.

We can actually be really really happy once we realize how much power we have within us and understand how to use it in a positive way. :tongue:

 

[Iqbal]

Awesome post!

thank you for this enlightening post

 

[jamescarrolls]

Damn Daveman.....

You gave be goosebumps!!!!!

 

[jamescarrolls]

Haha, poor us INFJ's....or so I thought in the past anyway, now I love myself because I understand myself.

Until the whole "personality type" and finally realizing i am INFJ, I was sooo confused on who I was. Everyone told me that " i need to love myself" but how do you love yourself when you don't know who you are? Especially being a perfectionist with myself and wanting everyone to love me, accept me, understand me, but all I got was hurt, dissapointed and confused. Because most people are not like me, they don't think like me, therefore can't understand me. They always told me "you think too much" but how do you stop that? That's how I was born, i don't put thoughts in my brain, they just come...

So after studying myself, learning about who I am and realizing that people around me do care (they just don't show it in the way i'd want them to), I finally came to love myself. Reading about my personality now I know that I can be manipulative, subconciously, I can pretend to be hurt, just to see who will take care of me, etc...

For a while there, I , too, got sick of helping people, realizing they don't really appreciate it, they take it the wrong way, telling me "you think you're smarter then me?" or..."oh, really, did you look at your own life before giving me advice?"...yes, it's easier for me to give advice then to actually take it, but that's how most people are. It's easier to see something on the outside , part of it because we can't figure out how to work on our own life, so we help others and part of it, because helping others give us a sense of accomplishment and a "happy feeling".

I think the most important thing I learned, is to not say everything that comes to my mind. People tend to misunderstand me all the time which really hurts me. So I've learned to talk to certain people in different ways. I can't go around talking about "personality types" with someone who I can see doesn't care to hear it. I act a different way with an INTJ who likes things straight forward and to the point, so that I don't "bore them to death", and usually before saying something right away, I think about it and analyze it first so I can say it in the form that they will understand. That's helped me a lot. It's a form of manipulation, but I don't use it in a bad way, I don't need people doing stuff for me ever. I just want them to be happy, so I "manipulate" people into thinking about things that I think they should think about. lol. I don't know if i'm making any sense. everything makes sense to me but when i'm typing it i feel like i'm saying blah blah blah

If I see an unhappy extrovert, who pretends to be happy and likes to talk about how happy and content they are, (like my husband for example) but I know it's just a "face" they put on so other people don't know how miserable they really are. In that case, I'll just pretend to go along with it, but I'll throw things in that makes him able to talk about his true feelings more and not have to hide it. Like when he's stressed out i'll ask him if he's happy and he says he's ok but i know he's stressed about his job and not having money so i'll remind him about the positive things in his life, and i'll "manipulate" him into thinking about that instead of the stressful things, then I can see how his mood changes. I love it.

We can actually be really really happy once we realize how much power we have within us and understand how to use it in a positive way. :tongue:

Just to let you know.... Thank you for taking the time to share that. I'm grateful that you did.

Sincerely,
Johnny

 

[Daveman]

Oh my goodness! :shocked:

I wrote that forever ago!

You silly people must be looking through like 50 + pages of threads! :tongue:

Anyway, thanks. I'm flattered. :blushed:

 

[eclipsethesun]

Wonderful post. Just in time too. Today was horrible and so was the day before, and the day before that and so on. And to be honest it has a lot to do with the things you said worried INFJs. For me, what makes my life miserable is that no one loves me. My mother doesn't spend time with me because she says she can't stand my presence and I know it's my own fault, I am constantly questioning her and trying to get her to cha ge things in her life. It's not just me though, anyone can see that she behaves like a 14 year old and I am forced to be the mother and reason. So idk i place a lot of expectations on her and i should know better because she is sure to disappoint. she has made it clear for some time now, that she does not want to be around me. I really have no one in my life who cares about anything I say. I speak to no one, and I am always alone. Words cannot convey the depth of my disappointment. And I think that the worst part of it is, that no matter what she or my father or brother or sister have done to hurt my feelings or no matter how many times they make it perfectly clear that they do not care or cast a second thought in my direction, I will always love them, with increasing fervor and decreasing hope, I love them not in theory, but in action, in all that I do in the way I live. I give everything I have and they give me nothing, not time, not words of encouragement, not gifts, not hugs, not acts of service, every love language that there is to speak, they communicate none of them to me, and today I have realized that I look like a fool, chasing after them for some affection, I wish I could stop, but I can't help it, I do care for them. And so I don't know what the point of that whole rant was, but thank you, your post has helped me to see what I need to change, because feeling like this all of the time is awful.

 

[Daveman]

Wonderful post. Just in time too. Today was horrible and so was the day before, and the day before that and so on. And to be honest it has a lot to do with the things you said worried INFJs. For me, what makes my life miserable is that no one loves me. My mother doesn't spend time with me because she says she can't stand my presence and I know it's my own fault, I am constantly questioning her and trying to get her to cha ge things in her life. It's not just me though, anyone can see that she behaves like a 14 year old and I am forced to be the mother and reason. So idk i place a lot of expectations on her and i should know better because she is sure to disappoint. she has made it clear for some time now, that she does not want to be around me. I really have no one in my life who cares about anything I say. I speak to no one, and I am always alone. Words cannot convey the depth of my disappointment. And I think that the worst part of it is, that no matter what she or my father or brother or sister have done to hurt my feelings or no matter how many times they make it perfectly clear that they do not care or cast a second thought in my direction, I will always love them, with increasing fervor and decreasing hope, I love them not in theory, but in action, in all that I do in the way I live. I give everything I have and they give me nothing, not time, not words of encouragement, not gifts, not hugs, not acts of service, every love language that there is to speak, they communicate none of them to me, and today I have realized that I look like a fool, chasing after them for some affection, I wish I could stop, but I can't help it, I do care for them. And so I don't know what the point of that whole rant was, but thank you, your post has helped me to see what I need to change, because feeling like this all of the time is awful.

Well, since time has gone backwards on personality cafe, it seems that I have another chance here.

I hope that nobody reads what I write and thinks that I am implying that there is anything wrong with us. I just think that if you want to communicate better with certain types of people...you have to speak their language, because the majority of people do not think like we do.

I don't know exactly why your family acts the way they do toward you, but I liked what Violici said that sometimes people don't care in the manner that we want them to. I don't know enough about your situation to say that you are mistaken about what you say, but their misunderstanding is not an excuse for them to not love you.

I am glad to say that my family has loved me even when they haven't understood me. They have thought of me as shy and lazy, and there is some truth to the shyness. The "laziness" is when I've been laying or walking around while mulling things over in my mind. They don't know that this is how I form ideas. My grandmother has been wanting me to get a job in a factory, and I've tried very hard to explain to her that I'm just not cut out for it. Ideally, I would be in some environment where I could come up with creative ideas, because that's what I'm best suited for.

Good luck with your situation. I've noticed that you haven't logged back on in a long time. I hope things are going well for you.