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Discussion Starter #1
I have just newly discovered that i am an INFP and reading about it has been quite eye opening to say the least. I have found some answers that I never even knew what the questions was. I have had a problem with every relationship I have ever been in. It can be explained with this phrase from a website I found:"For INFPs with extremely dominant Feeling preferences who have not developed their Intuitive sides sufficiently to gather good data for their decision making processes, their dislike of conflict and criticism can foretell doom and gloom for intimate relationships. These INFPs will react with extreme emotional distress to conflict situations, and will not know what to do about it. Since they will have no basis for determining what action to take, they will do whatever they can to get rid of the conflict - which frequently means lashing out irrationally at others, or using guilt manipulation to get their mates to give them the positive support that they crave. This kind of behavior does not bode well for healthy, long-term relationships." This is my life in a freaking nutshell. Whenever I feel that something is wrong i push for resolution and cannot handle if it doesn't come quickly and I do stupid things like threaten to leave and I figured out just this week that all I want is to feel happy and secure. And I am still doing it and my marriage is on life support. My wife has had it and I just four days ago found this. How do I stop sabotaging my relationships? All I want is for peace and comfort but all I do is end up bringing on the exact opposite. And I did it again tonight. My wife and I have had a terrible month and she will not give me the emotional support i need and i am going crazy. Its almost as though she knows now what I want from her and no she isn't going to give in. Does anybody here have these same issues and how do I start to be in control of them? Either way therapy is on my horizon...
 

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Pull yourself together. Seek help in an orderly fashion, desperation suits no one. In time you will realize you have learned nothing from this discovery. You have merely recognized others share your ways. Having good company in a course for destruction makes it happier, but the ruin it ends in is the same. You're the only person you can rely on to get a hold of yourself.
 

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Don't give up yet. Learn about yourself, learn about her. See what comes of counseling and do some soul searching. The best of luck to you..I am sending you herzlichen Gluckwuensch, ("heartfelt luckwishes", for lack of a better English term) that you will find happiness for yourself, whether it's in or out of your relationship-whichever you decide. I'm sorry about what you're going through :sad: and yes, I can relate..I've tended to sabotage my relationships as well, but learning about myself has begun to help immensely. I hope it does for you, too.
 

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I'm so sorry to hear you are going through all that. Continual fighting where you are lashing out is not only really destructive, but really heartbreaking. I can totally empathize with you and it really saddens me to see a fellow INFP so upset over this kind of stuff, it can really wear on you mentally.

I think it would be a good idea to start if your wife took an MBTI test and then you guys compared types and see where you have strengths and weaknesses. This will help you both figure out what the other is craving from you. In fact if you have an iPhone or some other kind of iOS device, there is a neat little app that lets you compare types while learning some good information about each called "Personality Types" (click for link), and I'm sure there are some resources online as well. It might be a lot to take in at first and this isn't the solution to all your problems, but I think it would be really beneficial to start identifying some of the sources of conflict between you and your wifes' personalities.

On the plus side, what you described sounds a lot like you just don't know how to communicate well (and she might not know how to communicate to you too). I've been at those points where you just get so angry and irrational that at that moment you just don't care about anything you do as long as someone takes the pain away. It's really hard to go through, but you can avoid these situations more if you start examining the root cause of why you are angry and explain it to your wife as best you can with 100% honesty. I can't guarantee that communication will fix your marriage, in fact it might reveal to you the end of your marriage, but it will be way better than a divorce all because you couldn't get your anger and emotions under control.

No one knows what is going to happen after that. Maybe things get better with your wife, or maybe you guys realize you are just two different people and can't provide what the other needs to be emotionally satisfied. But if you don't take action, I think the consequences are pretty obvious to you at this point.

Another step to start taking is really delve into learning about being an INFP and start thinking about what you need to be happy once you begin to understand what makes you tick. Being an INFP isn't the easiest thing in the world, but there is hope. Listen to your gut and develop your intuition further, and stop worrying about what other people say you should do. The fact is that INFPs are ultra-rare and ultra-different than the majority, and what works for us is often at odds with the majority of people trying to tell you how to live your life. You can think of it like Obi-wan telling Luke how to use the Force if you want. "Stretch out with your feelings." In fact, we're probably about as rare as Jedis lol. You will gain more confidence and clarity once your start trusting your soul and heart more, this in turn will make you a happier person and will probably make your relationship with your wife better too :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Actually she took this test at work a few months ago and that's how I found out about it. Funny thing is when she read the summary of what I was she said that wasn't anything like me! I never really gave it much thought until almost a week ago when I started looking up info about it. She is an ISFJ and I am going to start looking at her personality type to try to figure out some of what she does. And someone said that I will realize that this discovery tells me nothing- I feel that this is the biggest discovery of my life so far-why I do what I do and now I can start to learn to get my marriage under control. You have to know what your problem is before you have any chance of changing anything. Oh and thanks to all that replied!
 

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Actually she took this test at work a few months ago and that's how I found out about it. Funny thing is when she read the summary of what I was she said that wasn't anything like me! I never really gave it much thought until almost a week ago when I started looking up info about it. She is an ISFJ and I am going to start looking at her personality type to try to figure out some of what she does. And someone said that I will realize that this discovery tells me nothing- I feel that this is the biggest discovery of my life so far-why I do what I do and now I can start to learn to get my marriage under control. You have to know what your problem is before you have any chance of changing anything. Oh and thanks to all that replied!
I think MBTI matters more to the minority groups who have always felt like outcasts. The people who are extroverted, corporate types who don't really care much about feelings and such anyway probably look at this and go "Ok, big deal, it told me what I already knew about myself, who cares?" I don't know if that is true, but if you judge by amount of interest in each personality type based on number of posts in each board, that seems to be a bit of a trend. On the other hand, for an INFP it feels like a revelation to know you aren't the only person like this, which is why none of us shut up about it :laughing:

And chances are you change or hide a lot of who you are to everyone else to fit in better and push down the 'weird' you if your wife doesn't think you are an INFP at all. I know showing who you really are is hard, especially when you feel ridiculed, but you may have to start taking some chances and opening up to at least your wife about who you really are and what you really feel deep down. You don't have to get too specific, just broad explanations might suffice, and it might wind up being really cathartic for you to get that off your chest.

On the plus side, you and your wife are both Fi dominant. Maybe part of the issue is that as a guy, you've been trained for a long time to not talk about feelings and trust your instincts so much as being a logical 'man' like the rest of the world? I don't know if that is the case but you should be able to relate things to your wife like "I feel strongly that this is the case" and have her understand what you are saying and how you arrived there. While opening up about feelings isn't the manliest of things in the world, it will be a lot easier on you in the long run to get that stuff out and share it with your wife. You might even develop a deeper relationship because of it :happy:

And since you are both creative types, maybe doing more activities like that together will help mend some of the tears in your relationship, whether it is going to an art museum or a concert or something like that.

Perhaps with your newfound knowledge, you should also consider a few days of quiet and mostly solitude to sort through all your thoughts if you can? Think about the things in your life which you love, the stuff you hate, and the stuff you wish you had or were doing. Undoubtedly you have read that INFPs care about being true and authentic. I think that carries over and that we aren't really happy unless we are being authentic to ourselves, who we are, what we want, how we act, etc.

Good luck and enjoy your newfound INFPness :laughing:
 

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I feel that this is the biggest discovery of my life so far
I don't mean to patronize you. All I'm saying is the wonder of discovery lasts only a certain amount of time. I have felt like you do a number of times.
 

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Well my hope is that someone will read this and have experienced something similar and can give me some insight as to what I can do to change my behavior. Right now my wife and I are at the edge and I am having to wait for her to be ready to start repairing but it has been hard and that's been my biggest fault. this is what i hate the most. Not feeling like we are still together when we obviously are. And me telling her all this new found enlightenment has not gone over so well either.. I tried to explain all this to her and was unable to hold in my emotions (balled like a freaking baby). Found out I have a lot of that stored up and she is finding it kind of uncomfortable. And I have never opened up to anyone before so her reaction has not helped. And everything I tell her she only hears the stuff she wants too. Like I said that when we are fighting i feel like I want to call her every 15 minutes and say " Are we going to make up yet?" and all she hears is that I want to call her every 15 minutes. So I spend all day going over and over it waiting for her to let me back. hehe sorry its kind of therapeutic to get this shit out. And can someone explain to me why I am never happy with the person I am with yet after its over I feel like I have lost apart of myself? In my youth i was with a girl whom I did everything to get away from and then spent a decade regretting my decision? I have a constant battle with myself over whether I want to be in this relationship or not yet when I feel we are not in perfect harmony its like the end of the world? God how much is a therapist going to be?
 

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Well my hope is that someone will read this and have experienced something similar and can give me some insight as to what I can do to change my behavior. Right now my wife and I are at the edge and I am having to wait for her to be ready to start repairing but it has been hard and that's been my biggest fault. this is what i hate the most. Not feeling like we are still together when we obviously are. And me telling her all this new found enlightenment has not gone over so well either.. I tried to explain all this to her and was unable to hold in my emotions (balled like a freaking baby). Found out I have a lot of that stored up and she is finding it kind of uncomfortable. And I have never opened up to anyone before so her reaction has not helped. And everything I tell her she only hears the stuff she wants too. Like I said that when we are fighting i feel like I want to call her every 15 minutes and say " Are we going to make up yet?" and all she hears is that I want to call her every 15 minutes. So I spend all day going over and over it waiting for her to let me back. hehe sorry its kind of therapeutic to get this shit out. And can someone explain to me why I am never happy with the person I am with yet after its over I feel like I have lost apart of myself? In my youth i was with a girl whom I did everything to get away from and then spent a decade regretting my decision? I have a constant battle with myself over whether I want to be in this relationship or not yet when I feel we are not in perfect harmony its like the end of the world? God how much is a therapist going to be?
Well, it would be really terrible of anyone to try to presume to know your marriage. You could write a few more pages and we still wouldn't grasp what the root problems are.

With that said, if you guys really are on the verge, then you need to stop doing what you are doing. You're just repeating cycles of fighting trying to talk on two different levels. I'm not sure what it is that is causing this but it sounds like a lack of trust for some reason. That's just the feeling I get.

I think what you need to do is discuss with your wife very basic questions:

1. Do you still love me?

2. Do you still want to be with me?

3. Are you willing to try to work on our problems?

Do not accuse her at all and do not try to explain your side of everything. Just deal with these three fundamentals. They are all that matter if your marriage is on the brink. Hopefully you both answer "Yes" to all 3 questions. If not then there is not much you can do. You can't force someone to love you, to stay with you, or to fight for your marriage if they are done. I don't know what her answers will be since I don't know how bad it is from her side, but these are answers you both need to figure out.

If you agree on all those things, then state that you are realizing the issues that you have to face and are trying to work on them. You seem to realize that you want to go to therapy and I think that is a good idea. Like you said, it is nice to talk and get all this shit out, isn't it? I think on top of that you might consider marriage counseling as well. With a mediator involved, she can help guide the conversation and make immediate suggestions so that you guys can at least live together better and maybe even enjoy doing one or two things together. I would act on getting a session as quickly as possible if the above 3 conditions are met before either of you do any more damage to the relationship.

By the way, as a quick note, you don't have to settle on the first therapist you go to. If you hit it off, or don't have an opinion either way, then setting up another appointment is fine, but don't feel obligated to keep going to the same one if you get bad vibes or don't feel comfortable talking to that person.

You can also ask for her to at least be accepting that you understand that you aren't good at dealing with your emotions and that you know it has contributed to her pain and the problems in the relationship. Maybe this will help her feel like you are listening to her. I'm sure she thinks you are part of the problem (and I'm sure she is too, I'm not blaming you), so letting her know you can see her side a bit and are hearing what she is saying might help quell some of the fighting. Don't bring up anything she does that pisses you off, just state plainly that you are aware of the problem and are trying to move forward on fixing it so that you can be a better husband for her.

I know this next part of what I'd suggest might be a little hard but I'd implore you to try keeping your temper and anger in check. Get in your car, drive 5 minutes away, and scream as loud as you can if you must. Don't blow up on your wife though. That is just going to keep driving her further away. It doesn't matter who is wrong or right. Even if you are right, is that going to console you if you wind up divorced? Don't win a battle that contributes to losing the war. All these small fights and temper flareups are not the real problems anyway, so don't let them contribute to the animosity between you and your wife. Don't even make any snide remarks or do anything to provoke her into a fight just so you can say she started it. None of that matters. You have to try to be the bigger person here if you really care about your marriage.

I'd like to give a full disclosure here that only 3 weeks ago I told my wife I wanted a divorce. But a lot of what I talked about was stuff that happened years ago during our worst times. When I practiced this advice, it helped calm a lot of the open warfare. There was no longer screaming every day. The problem with us was that we never followed through on going to counseling and rebuilding our relationship. It sounds like you are committed to getting outside help to save your marriage so I think you can definitely fare better than I did. I don't know if that will save your marriage either so I won't tell you things will work out no matter what.

What I can tell you though is if you do start going to counseling and follow through on learning about being an INFP and taking time to know yourself, then you are on your way to getting healthier and being a more stable and balanced person. Not even a divorce can take that away from you as you turn into the person you are meant to be. Hopefully that won't be the end result of your relationship, but for now just focus on the positives that you are becoming more enlightened about yourself and are on a journey to become an awesome person :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Well it seems to be the end now. I was able to go a few days without trying to get her to listen to me but when we finally talked she doesn't hear it and I'm nagging her or i am acting crazy. I also found out that one of the things that have been an issue since the beginning was not completely explained. Sexually she says she has no drive but last night I found out that she recently and often used porn to help herself when I have been begging her to open up to me. Which to me is an absolute slap in the face and I don't understand it. She wants me to stay and start counseling soon and I am all for that but I don't think me being here waiting around is the best idea. I want to be gone as soon as I can. What started this last episode is that she started playing wow with all her free time since the end of September. I have not dealt well with my wife no turning the bulk of her attention on a bunch off guys on a game. And as a side note I am pretty sure that she is at the very least having a txt thing with one of the guys hence all the tension and me not being able to handle it. I have proof that she is getting texted from the so cal area and has been the reason for a lot of tension. Her way of dealing with it is making it impossible for me to view the cell phone records anymore. When we got together she had some issues about my ex that i allowed her to go through everything as I had nothing to hide and that is why I find her closing my ability to view this stuff is a sign of guilt. She wants me to stay till the end of November and with the start of some counseling and see what happens.Honestly when i sat down trying to figure out why I should stay the only things positive were easier and comfortable. The negative is quite long and at the top is I don't much like her. So the course of action is obvious i guess isn't it. And Shorttail was right this grand revelation was huge but makes no difference in how i act or why i still do things...Is it at all possible that i sabotage these relationships because deep down I know its a mistake? I feel I am at a trues fork in the road. One way I have to have Faith that waiting and hoping for change on her side and my own attempts at understanding myself will be worth it and yet could still be punted at the end or go left and know that although the road is dark and rough that at least I might find the partner that I yearn for even now as I have all through this marriage. My loyalty and love for my wife are rooted deep and that is why this is so hard. I am crying a lot lately. I'm 6'2 250+ so I imagine its quite the sight to see my driving down the road blubbering like a big fat newborn baby. Writing this out make s me see that my head say its time to seek out a new relationship but my heart says wait until tomorrow.
 

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OK now she tells me the plan is that I am supposed to wait for her to come around. She sits on wow and acts like all is good. We have just canceled our belated honeymoon of which we were supposed to embark on this Monday. I know that I can not sit around for another month while she plays wow waiting for her to finally say ya we are done. I want to get my shit together and be out of here asap. Does anyone have any insight into what she is doing or what she wants or why a month ago she decided that this game was more important than her family? If it was me then why not say so and let me go. Also for anybody who has had therapy I was wondering how you get past the wall that wont let me talk about it. I cry profusely whenever I try to verbalize my feelings. I want to get the hella going on this now. And I am in limbo waiting for my wife to come back to the real world.:sad:
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Also are there any online resources that anybody knows about that i could use to try to start figuring this out ie froums or chat rooms. Thanks to anyone who got this far!!
 

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I don't think you're sabotaging your relationship. I think she isn't good for you and you are just starting to see things the way they are. You need be completely honest with your wife. You need to ask her to work with you to do something about the problems you two are having. If she is compassionate and sincere about working with you and getting past this hardship, then you have something worth fighting for. If, however, she responds violently and tries to manipulate you, then you need to get out of there for real. Confront her in an honest way with good intentions, and you will see who is sabotaging the relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
"In time you will realize you have learned nothing from this discovery. You have merely recognized others share your ways. Having good company in a course for destruction makes it happier, but the ruin it ends in is the same." Shorttail you were right on the money.:sad:
 

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I'm sorry. ._.
 
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