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i am lonely, nobody loves me

[INFP] 
3K views 17 replies 14 participants last post by  Gman1 
#1 ·
co-miserate please

You could tell your worst stories.
We could agree life is meaningless and sad.
I don't know really.
We could co-misterate how I am above average intelligence but feel condescended to about stupid little shit all day long in my minmum wage jobs, about how people continually reject my thoughts and feelings as over-analytical so evne though I've had friends or people love me I feel it's not my "real self" and over time my relationships tend to break, we could talk about how lonely I feel right now, and how hard it is to explain myself and have people continually shoot me down, so I've given up on the goals I used to have, because I feel pretty much like my thoughts and experience do not matter to the world/anyone and I live a ghost life ghosting around doing work doing school feeling unfulfilled and sad, having relationships but no one really understands how ifeel cause they'd just tell me to "fix it then" or "stop over-analyzing things" or abandon me like most ppl do when I share neg. feelings... I get it, people are complicated, I don't expect anyone to be there unconditionally or true acceptance/understanding from others.
I had a boyfriend/friend who I used to feel true understanding and acceptance from but he ended up juding me and feeling I was overly analytical when I was suicidally depressed over the above.
Now I just feel kind of numb, how am I supposed to feel connected to anyone when it's conditional on me being what they want me to be?

I'm just very tired I want someone to understand some problems aren't fixable, I can be happy but my life feels so fake. This is one of those paradoxes I have to live with-- people are so alone. Nobody knows me, can really love me.
 
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#2 ·
I could tell you my worst stories.
We could agree on life being meaningless and sad.
I do know, really. I have been there.

But I would be lying if I would agree with you. Life certainly has it's sad sides, life can seem dull, dreary and meaningless, but life can also be rewarding, happy and full with meaningful activities. I realize your life is tough right now, I don't want to play down your feelings, but convincing yourself that life is sad and has no meaning is not going to help you feel any better nor is it going to make life any better. You have so much control over your own life, a lot more than you realize, but you have to take the iniative and be active in the things you want to change in your life.

You don't like how you are being treated at your job? Why stay there? Look for a different one. Keep your current job until you found it, which ensures you have income, but look around and see if you find something better. The economy is doing decent, lots of jobs are being added, so there are quite a few opportunities out there.

You can also exert influence over the people you meet, you just have to get yourself out there. Go to museums (I had the loveliest conversation about art in a gallery in Duluth), join a club, go to events/conferences about topics you are interested in. You might not find your next best friend there, but you might at least have a meaningful conversation about a subject you are passionate about. And who knows if somebody is willing to exchange phone-numbers and meet up with you.

Just telling you to 'fix it' or 'stop analyzing so much' is plain rude. If it was that easy, you would have probably fixed the problem by now. I can relate. Not so long ago I over-analyzed everything in my life, in a negative way, and my thought patterns were incredibly negative. But. I reached out for help, went to see a therapist, and now I am doing fine. I still think a lot, I am an intelligent human being....can't help it..., but I am not analyzing every little aspect of my life anymore and I am a lot more positive.

So you see, some problems are fixable. You can work on yourself. With or without help you can make yourself feel better. An egg that dropped on the floor cannot be fixed, but a person who is depressed certainly is fixable.
 
#3 ·
I promise you there are unique solutions to your unique set of problems. There was to mine, and you sound about as unhappy and stuck as I was a couple years ago. Feeling completely unempowered academically, vocational, and relationally. Beaten down.

I gave up on my goals when I was around age seven. I dissociated my dreams and interests so thoroughly from my identity that getting back in touch with them was like experiencing, from what I can only imagine, the emergence of repressed memories. My interests were deeply rooted in shame (mainly I was told at some point "these interests are selfish and useless.") so my mind did intense acrobatics to subliminate and deny their existence

So, yeah, I know what it's like to have been told the very essence of what makes you you is bullshit. I know what it's like to be told this by teachers, family, the media, and so-called friends.

Try to get into a (positive) impersonal mindset to get creative juices flowing. People often think of creativity as emotionally driven but too much emotion can cause creative faculty to stagnate. I don't know if your enneagram is type 4, but this is especially true for 4s.
 
#5 ·
If we are idealistic, then perhaps we need to have a framework to live our lives by. For some it can be religion, a set of values or something like humanism.

It must be very hard feeling that life has no meaning. Not everything in my life is good, for instance I live with chronic pain and suffer depression on and off since I was a kid. But no matter how bad my life gets I always have a bit of hope and a belief in a higher purpose.
 
#6 ·
@sogood
Sorry to hear this, but I feel ya.
Here's my perspective ... hope it makes any sense:

Agreed, sounds all so familiar, and wow did I have felt incredibly sad over the last months as well, more than ever, I was scared. I am doing better now, what I did was drop everything around me and start with an empty head, empty hands and an empty heart ... (for as far as I could keep the feelings/sorrow out of course)

Then I started to think about it, what do I have? and what gives me purpose or fulfilment?

First things first, education or a job, I need to save my own ass and make sure I can sustain myself. Working hard does not give guarantees or solid security, but it DOES create new opportunities to find happiness, fulfilment, purpose ... yes, it might take long, but there is hope in that. I don't know where I am going, but I know it counts.

Family, although they don't understand my feelings and maybe do not want to understand them because they are afraid of being powerless to influence them, I take them as how they are. They might not give me the emotional support, but I believe they genuinely want to help in whatever way that may be. If you can't ''talk'' to them, at least spend time with them anyway. Being busy, keeping your mind occupied even though it is just 20% of headspace that you have left for anything else except sadness, it will help.

Friends, there's no one friend that fully understand me and perfectly shares my perspectives, values, etc. I had my gf for this, but you know, she left me randomly ... because apparently that is called ''life''. Nothing has to make sense, it will happen anyway, or not. All the more reason to find the power and happiness first in yourself, even though I highly dislike that idea. I'm focused on other people, helping them, finding fulfilment in them ... but again you first need to help yourself. Oh ironic ..

I have friends with different qualities, I can have fun with the one, but if I need to talk and be better understood I have to go to another. This is not a problem, take friends/family/acquaintances for who they are and make each other feel better by sharing your corresponding qualities with them.
However if I can't find someone for a particular quality or need, I will try to look for them. Meeting new people, very important! :) You will be surprised. I'm still busy doing this and it is not easy, but I just know that there's very interesting likeminded people walking around that will make my life more interesting and better as well. Life can change for the worse or better on ye, but sometimes this trade-off is off balance, spamming you only with bad stuff, it tears you apart.

If you manage to hold on and be strong, you get confidence and a good feeling from that as well. Also counts ...
If you can, postpone your fulfilment and purpose issues for now and really try to focus day by day on your feelings and thoughts. Have a treat or try talking to that stranger and see what happens. Exercise? Work on your body, be healthier.

Do things you wouldn't do normally ... (just not bank robberies and car hijacking, i know it is exciting and all but you know ... doesn't help you)

If you are really down then nothing will make sense or sounds appealing, I understand this. But try to be stubborn and start with any of this nonetheless. Positive stubbornness is my friend.
 
#7 ·
That was so tough to read, actually brought tears to my eyes. You sound so hopeless..

I think you need to find an outlet for expression of yourself, maybe write down your feelings everyday or write poetry or create music or draw pictures. They may seem like meaningless things but through those outlets you can get more in touch with your own 'soul' and connect this more closely with your actions and expression. Then the connection with others will slowly but surely feel more genuine and meaningful. But you have to try to find yourself and love yourself. Love yourself - so so important.

I think it would help you to imagine what you were like as a child, or better maybe watch some footage of you when you were younger or look at a photograph. As you imagine/watch yourself when you were younger, notice the similarities between how you were then and now, you still are as naive and innocent as you were back then. Its easy to love a younger version of yourself because youraelf is not clouded by the pressure of being older, but you need to try your best to realise the child is still there and you should still love it. This gives you a more clear idea of who you were meant to be.

And finally if you are depressed don't hesitate to get some professional help.

Good luck ;)
 
#9 ·
it seems like you just need to find "the right person"

Friends/partners can be hell if it's the wrong ones.........

Anyways I can totally relate with you so you aren't alone .

It looks like you just need to find the right person. And sometimes I know Romantic love isn't everything.

I spend time with my brother too. They support me in my lonely times it's really comforting.

I think you should do that too.
 
#10 ·
My INFP friend is feeling low in the same kind of way; she just wants people to like her for her; can anyone explain this to me? I like her presence...no, I like her honesty...no, I like her sense of humour / loyalty / whatever...Nope. She just kept saying she wants to be liked for her...

How do I get this particular emotional point *into* my dumb head, please? Can anyone give me an analogy?

And how do I then express it to her at a later date?
 
#12 ·
Say "you're not perfect, I love you". It's like a country. If you love America (sorry, I lolled), you can say you love the hotdogs, and the hamburgers, and the football, and the universities- the traits of America. But it seems to imply you wouldn't love America without those things (lolol). So just tell her you love her and not why- say you love her unconditionally. Unless, you know, she's like a serial killer or something

Fearing the day my INFP sister starts doing this, at least I've got this so I can say I've done research :kitteh:
 
#11 ·
I WILL LOVE YOU

Climb aboard my noble steed


(Actually though, don't give up. I used to think this way too- just find people who are like you and befriend them. They're far more common than you think.)
 
#13 · (Edited)
well if it helps i love you. i relate to what you're saying a lot and it can be a hard problem to tackle however as pearslug said, one possible solution is to ultimately learn how to love yourself. it's a paradox that is only uncomfortable to deal with because you want to add definition to that perspective using some form of logic or rationality by discretely dividing things into paths where no discrete solution is exists. regardless of how things are defined no conclusion will make sense so trying to rationalise things in such a way results in the problem being unsolvable.
either approach the problem without defining it or re-evaluate your perspective of the problem to fit to your goals regardless of whether or not the perspective is "realistic" or not. in other words if no discrete solution exists to the problem then the problem based on your current perspective does not exist. otherwise, the best that can be done within the same perspective is to accept that anything you choose to do is wrong and/or anything you choose to do is right thus accepting no answer.

on one hand you want to show your real self and want others to appreciate you for who you are so you can form some kind of real connection. on the other hand this shows a rigidity based on how you want to connect with people. you have defined a way you want to interact with people narrowing experiences down to specifics evidently showing that you're ignoring a lot of other factor or things that you could growth from which are of a different form from what you're looking for. by trying to manipulate the flow of things or exposing aspects of yourself that others may not be receptive of, you're disabling other people from feeling a connection based on how they like connecting with people. so instead you compromise yourself and end up feeling hollow much like a ghost. without any way of directing the flow or placing any of your own definitions on things you feel you have no mark on the world and therefore you do not exist. as a consequence of people having different needs and perspectives on things can seem like a bit of a stalemate with no way to win.

what is it that you actually love or appreciate about people when you connect with them? YOU enjoy time with them, they make YOU feel important, YOU value who they are as a person. all the criteria comes from you so in a sense the love and appreciation comes from you and you are primarily in control of whether you connect or you don't regardless of how the other person appears. you may see beauty in the world as the world matches your own experience of beauty from within. the other person can be seen as merely a projection of yourself, reflecting what you think feel and appreciate. therefore becoming more in tune with this aspect of you and expanding on what you value and how you value things will open you up to feeling more connected with other people. the more beauty you see in yourself the more you can see in others.

alternatively loose focus of what you're searching for, stop searching, enjoy the moment and appreciate them "for the sake of appreciation". within what others define as how they connect to you, find a connection with them. if they're connecting with you they're appreciating the qualities of you which reflect aspects of them and as a reflection of them you can find a way to connect with them. others may not experience the problems in as much depth as you do because they may be less self aware in this regard. it's like flowing with things until you get to somewhere else by accepting the paradox and lack of discreteness. if you trust and allow the flow of things to take you where you want to be it will probably take you there.

no one is ever really going to "understand" you so be weary that any solution they give you may not be catered towards you. it can't be said as to whether most people love the same or through the same process either. the best you can do is trust your feelings and reject what doesn't feel natural to you. whether they really understand you is sort of redundant though. maybe this might help, it's somewhat a spiritual view based on my past experience. take care lots of love.
 
#18 ·
Take it from a guy who tried suicide twice, there's only 1 problem that's unfixable: that is death. Once your body packs in, you're fucked.
But everything else is very fixable.

You got likeminded folks here who care. Don't let your dream die (what is your dream anyway?)

Bear one thing in mind: everybody has their limitations. Everybody has their faults.
One guy I knew at Uni, most likely ESTP, I actually respected & looked up to him somewhat. Then in my last year, he snorts a load of Mephedrone in the toilet, and offers me some too. So stupid.
And that is why despite supposedly being a 'hit' with the ladies, he was incapable of holding down a relationship longer term.
Nobody has it all. It's about finding your niche.

And this is probably a little too sentimental, even for me, but love comes when you least expect it.
 
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