[impulsenine]

Ok, so..I met an INFJ girl on the internet, she is just a couple hundreds of kilometers away and we want and we will meet physically in real life but...it will happen after a couple of months and I need advice NOW, especially from you, dear loveable INFJs.

We both recently got out from long toxic relationships. By recently I mean..literally a couple of weeks before we met eachother. The problem is...I recovered a lot faster than she did. I suffered profoundly and I let that go away. Before I met her I was totally dettached from that relationship and totally appreciated my independent existence. Until that day...when I met her.
A lot happened since then...but the thing is: I am obsessed with her and I really care about her beautiful Soul, Mind. And I kinda adore them. Plus her body. The perfect trio that fucked my mind and "heart" like nothing ever did.

I think I did the same thing on her. I treated her like no one ever did.
But she suffered a lot more than me because of last relationship and...she is not healed. She doesn't believe in "love" that much now.

I know that nothing is certain until we will see in person with our eyes how it's going but...I want to know what do you think I should do?

I am patient with her, with us. But...I feel like I went too far too fast. Emotionally. A lot faster than her (and I'm a rational guy).

Oh damn...I love how she makes me feel. How she stimulates my mind to overthink and overfeel. And I love to return that.

Of course I talked with her about this because I'm totally open and I know I can say to her whatever I want but...I want another INFJ perspective, outside of us.

The reason I ask you for advice is...she works a lot and she is not feeling very well. I try my best..I sincerely remind my appreciation for her and I try to give my support as much as possible.

I don't know what should I do. The gut feeling says that I should just act accordingly to my emotions but....I don't know how well is this. Sometimes I feel I give too little, sometimes it's too much.

She really likes me. How and what I am and how I make her feel and think. But I think she is in a little bit of "guarding" position which is totally normal after what happened. But I don't know how to interpret things sometimes...
There are days when we talk with eachother a lot, we are both excited etc. (I don't give details because it's private) and then...here it comes: days when we don't talk. When I ask her if she is ok her answer is something like "Yeah, I just don't feel well and I want to have time with myself, there is not your fault, you have nothing to do with this".

I want her to be herself and do what she wants and respect that. But I just want to know if I...if US are on the right way. On the way I imagine. And I hope that her way is the same as mine.

At least...one can only hope.

Thanks for reading this and thanks INFJs for all the moments we get along based on our Ti.

 

[Vunar]

There are days when we talk with eachother a lot, we are both excited etc. (I don't give details because it's private) and then...here it comes: days when we don't talk. When I ask her if she is ok her answer is something like "Yeah, I just don't feel well and I want to have time with myself, there is not your fault, you have nothing to do with this".

OH NO! THE TRAGEDY!

Welcome to the real world. See seems very mature and you're a drama queen. You're always on the right way but you will fuck it up going too much too fast and then expecting her to arrive there at the same time like you.

I should just act accordingly to my emotions

Good luck with that. What are you 15?

 

[dulcinea]

Ok, so..I met an INFJ girl on the internet, she is just a couple hundreds of kilometers away and we want and we will meet physically in real life but...it will happen after a couple of months and I need advice NOW, especially from you, dear loveable INFJs.

We both recently got out from long toxic relationships. By recently I mean..literally a couple of weeks before we met eachother. The problem is...I recovered a lot faster than she did. I suffered profoundly and I let that go away. Before I met her I was totally dettached from that relationship and totally appreciated my independent existence. Until that day...when I met her.
A lot happened since then...but the thing is: I am obsessed with her and I really care about her beautiful Soul, Mind. And I kinda adore them. Plus her body. The perfect trio that fucked my mind and "heart" like nothing ever did.

I think I did the same thing on her. I treated her like no one ever did.
But she suffered a lot more than me because of last relationship and...she is not healed. She doesn't believe in "love" that much now.

I know that nothing is certain until we will see in person with our eyes how it's going but...I want to know what do you think I should do?

I am patient with her, with us. But...I feel like I went too far too fast. Emotionally. A lot faster than her (and I'm a rational guy).

Oh damn...I love how she makes me feel. How she stimulates my mind to overthink and overfeel. And I love to return that.

Of course I talked with her about this because I'm totally open and I know I can say to her whatever I want but...I want another INFJ perspective, outside of us.

The reason I ask you for advice is...she works a lot and she is not feeling very well. I try my best..I sincerely remind my appreciation for her and I try to give my support as much as possible.

I don't know what should I do. The gut feeling says that I should just act accordingly to my emotions but....I don't know how well is this. Sometimes I feel I give too little, sometimes it's too much.

She really likes me. How and what I am and how I make her feel and think. But I think she is in a little bit of "guarding" position which is totally normal after what happened. But I don't know how to interpret things sometimes...
There are days when we talk with eachother a lot, we are both excited etc. (I don't give details because it's private) and then...here it comes: days when we don't talk. When I ask her if she is ok her answer is something like "Yeah, I just don't feel well and I want to have time with myself, there is not your fault, you have nothing to do with this".

I want her to be herself and do what she wants and respect that. But I just want to know if I...if US are on the right way. On the way I imagine. And I hope that her way is the same as mine.

At least...one can only hope.

Thanks for reading this and thanks INFJs for all the moments we get along based on our Ti.

I'm not sure. I think it's something to discuss with her and just be patient. Relationships of this kind of nature, generally require more patience than normal.

 

[dulcinea]

Technical difficulty

 

[Ice Cream Man]

I’ve only known one girl that may have been INFJ. It was decades ago, in college. We had an amazing connection and I fell in love. To her I was a valuable friend. I can relate to your exuberance, and concern.

I believe there is little you can do but be yourself. She will easily see if you’re anything but authentic. She is coming off a bad experience, but my guess is she has a very good idea of what she wants in a guy and, as far as you, she’ll either feel it or she won’t. Don’t obsess or over try. Be sensitive to her pace of things. That said, if you’re being yourself there will come a time that you should tell her how you feel with confidence.

Good luck to you! Perhaps @Kelly Kapowski has some valuable perspective for you as an INFJ female.

 

[Drecon]

It looks like you're doing all you can do. You have a healthy approach to this and obviously respect her enough to make her feel safe with this whole thing.

In general, the time it takes to get over a relationship (good or bad) is about equal to the time the relationship lasted. That doesn't mean that you can't do anything in the mean time, it just means that you might not be fully emotionally available until that point.

It can be tough, because INFJs need to talk things through with others to know what they're feeling, but you don't want to burden your crush with something like that because it can change the relationship dynamic. Make sure she gets what she needs to get better and make sure to give her the space she needs without losing touch with her.

As I said... I think you're already taking the right approach here. You can't hurry the healing process, but you can make sure she always has a safe space with you. That might be the most important thing you could ever do for her.

 

[Kelly Kapowski]

I am patient with her, with us. But...I feel like I went too far too fast. Emotionally. A lot faster than her (and I'm a rational guy).

Oh damn...I love how she makes me feel. How she stimulates my mind to overthink and overfeel. And I love to return that.

Of course I talked with her about this because I'm totally open and I know I can say to her whatever I want but...I want another INFJ perspective, outside of us.

Well, I have a couple thoughts but take it with a grain of salt because I'm an idiot.

1) It's good to be open with her. Your second section up there- the bolded- there's such beauty in the simplicity & nakedness of that statement. It would make my insides melt. That said, there's a flip side to that...
2) Too much before one is ready can have the opposite effect. Early on, my insides wouldn't quite know what to do with a statement like that & I'd probably shut down for a little bit processing it or high tail it the other direction.
Finally ,
3) I'd recommend not putting her on a pedestal. I had posted about this idea somewhere in the INFJ forum once & quite a few INFJ girls seemed to be in agreement with me. The worst words anyone can say to me are, "You are perfect." Anytime anyone has said that to me, I ran the opposite direction. All that flashes through my head is how wrong it is, and how much it's going to hurt falling from that pedestal when you recognize how absolutely wrong it is.

I feel the need to repeat you should take anything I say with a grain of salt because I'm a dumb butt.

The reason I ask you for advice is...she works a lot and she is not feeling very well. I try my best..I sincerely remind my appreciation for her and I try to give my support as much as possible.

I don't know what should I do. The gut feeling says that I should just act accordingly to my emotions but....I don't know how well is this. Sometimes I feel I give too little, sometimes it's too much.

She really likes me. How and what I am and how I make her feel and think. But I think she is in a little bit of "guarding" position which is totally normal after what happened. But I don't know how to interpret things sometimes...
There are days when we talk with eachother a lot, we are both excited etc. (I don't give details because it's private) and then...here it comes: days when we don't talk. When I ask her if she is ok her answer is something like "Yeah, I just don't feel well and I want to have time with myself, there is not your fault, you have nothing to do with this".

Trust her 👆. Try not to overthink it. It sounds like she cares quite a bit about you, focus on that.

I want her to be herself and do what she wants and respect that. But I just want to know if I...if US are on the right way. On the way I imagine. And I hope that her way is the same as mine.

At least...one can only hope.

Thanks for reading this and thanks INFJs for all the moments we get along based on our Ti.

It sounds like things are going well, you just really have to stay the course & flex your patience. Best wishes & keep us posted!

 

[dulcinea]

Agreed on the not putting her on a pedestal.
That leads to so much relationship pressure, and really presents very unrealistic expectations.
No one is going to be great all the time, and even the people you feel are the best people in your life will still disappoint you, thinking too highly of them too soon can put so much pressure on the other person.
That's exactly the story behind my own username.

 

[Kelly Kapowski]

Agreed on the not putting her on a pedestal.
That leads to so much relationship pressure, and really presents very unrealistic expectations.
No one is going to be great all the time, and even the people you feel are the best people in your life will still disappoint you, thinking too highly of them too soon can put so much pressure on the other person.
That's exactly the story behind my own username.

It’s tough because it’s not really them putting the pressure on us, it’s us heaping more pressure on ourselves. So while they mean well, and may even believe it, we don’t interpret it how they would like. I’m too aware of my faults/weaknesses to respond well to a comment like that.

 

[dulcinea]

It’s tough because it’s not really them putting the pressure on us, it’s us heaping more pressure on ourselves. So while they mean well, and may even believe it, we don’t interpret it how they would like. I’m too aware of my faults/weaknesses to respond well to a comment like that.

Do you find it a common thing with INFJs that people tend to idealize us?
I know that happened to me a lot in my younger days.
I was so tired of men projecting into me the qualities they wanted to the point that they never really saw the real me, until one day they did and became really disappointed.

 

[Kelly Kapowski]

Do you find it a common thing with INFJs that people tend to idealize us?
I know that happened to me a lot in my younger days.

On the internet? No. Not anymore. People kind of detest us nowadays, I think. We can be self-absorbed & lack self-awareness. In real life I'd say yes, I have run into it. I have no idea what is normal though or what to compare my experiences with, so I suppose I have no way to gauge if it's any more or less than the average person?

I was very shy prior to college, so probably not so much then. In college I began to come out of my shell & I did run into it there. I've had 4 proposals in my life (including my husband's). I think 2 of those were definitely the result of idealizing. 1 of them for sure. I hated it. No matter how much I threw in his face my faults, he refused to ackowledge them which crushed me, because it made me feel like he was refusing to accept the real me. At any rate, they were both cases where I was told I was perfect. Obviously, it did not turn out well.

I was so tired of men projecting into me the qualities they wanted to the point that they never really saw the real me, until one day they did and became really disappointed.

I'm wondering about this. I had just posted somewhere else that I do this exact thing. Shoot was it this thread? I can't remember. I idealize certain people in the beginning & while I can see things I may not adore about them, I choose to ignore those things & focus on the stuff I love about them. It's not fair to them at all because I always end up disappointed. I do it to myself. So this has got me wondering if I am completely projecting in my POV of this idea of "perfection". Side rant, sorry, thinking out loud.

Do you think they were projecting, or were you providing them with what they wanted to see? I read a post by @Goodewitch I think it was, recently, that was along these lines. Maybe it was the "Can You See the Real Me" thread, I'll need to go check. It had an interesting thought that I could relate to. I believe it stated that it is in our nature to shape ourselves to what people need us to be. I know I do this very easily, as most people are fairly easy to read. I don't even have to think about it. I don't know how I feel about it. On one hand, it is natural to me. I have to actually think about it to stop myself from doing it. On the other hand, I think it's the cause of us not feeling "seen". So really, we do it to ourselves. Do you relate to any of this? Or no? What are your experiences with this idea?

I have a lot more thoughts running through my head about "perfection" & your statement above. About projecting & disappointment. I need to iron them out more though.



Back to edit. Not sure if I'm linking this correctly, we shall see.
"Can You See The Real Me?" - Is This An INFJ...

 

[Ice Cream Man]

@Kelly Kapowski & @dulcinea: Has it ever occurred to you that, given your total makeup, there are those that see your faults and weaknesses as inconsequential? @Kelly Kapowski, you‘ve had four proposals. The market has spoken. I can’t imagine that all four of those fellows were clueless, or cleverly duped by you. You’re obviously a fantastic catch.

I have my own small pedestal collection. I’m very aware of why I’ve placed those people. They’re treasure. Interestingly, my wife who is ENFP, has no problem with me idealizing her. I think it would trouble her if I were to stop. I did know a girl I think may have been INFJ in college. When she broke my heart she said the same thing you two have said about not being all that great a person. I told her at the time that she could try and spin things any way she wanted as she was letting me down, but I wasn’t buying it. Perhaps she really meant it.

How similar, but different, INFJ males and females are.

 

[dulcinea]

@Ice Cream Man I agree, to an extent, but I've felt the difference between idealization in such a way that's out of touch with reality and someone seeing my faults as inconsequential. My fiance does the latter. He's very aware of my faults, because he's been helping me deal with them, but he posses the view of them being merely an aspect of human nature and nothing to think too negatively about myself for. It's been helping me be more accepting of my own flaws over time.
In the past, however, people have not even really gotten to know me, but kept projecting into me qualities, and whether it's positive or negative, if it's out of touch with the reality of who I am, it can be rather stressful.

 

[Kelly Kapowski]

I have my own small pedestal collection. I’m very aware of why I’ve placed those people. They’re treasure. Interestingly, my wife who is ENFP, has no problem with me idealizing her. I think it would trouble her if I were to stop. I did know a girl I think may have been INFJ in college. When she broke my heart she said the same thing you two have said about not being all that great a person. I told her at the time that she could try and spin things any way she wanted as she was letting me down, but I wasn’t buying it. Perhaps she really meant it.

How similar, but different, INFJ males and females are.

I don't think I have ever put anyone on a pedestal. Parents, kids, spouse, friends. I've never really had a "hero", because even people I've greatly admired & respected are still flawed humans. I just don't think anyone is worthy of that, especially myself. I've idealized people, yes- but even then, I'm fully aware of their shortcomings. Shortcomings isn't the right word, it's too subjective & negative, not the word I'm looking for.

I think I am realizing how much I project. I think a lot of my issues stem from this. Maybe it's the "inconsequential" bit I have a hard time with.

I wonder if other ENFP's feel the same as your wife? If they enjoy the idea of being idealized & put on a pedestal? I'm curious, I may go ask them their thoughts. Do you think your wife does the same to you?

Yes, I'd guess your INFJ college girlfriend absolutely meant it. To compare- it's not that I'm oblivious of my strengths, my confidence is quite healthy I think, it's simply that I'm not ignorant to my weaknesses. They're always keeping each other in check. 😉 There are days though where I'm pretty certain I have no business being any relationship of any sort, let alone a marriage.

I left feeling the same as you after my previous discussion with other INFJ's on "perfection" and placing others on a pedestal. Quite a few males had said they do the same (place partner on a pedestal). It's just not something I think I'm capable of doing. It's another reason I admire INFJ men though- a lot of you seem so much better at handling emotions/relationships than the ladies. That's a huge generalization 🤷‍♀️😄

 

[Kelly Kapowski]

Meanwhile, where is the OP?

OP I am guessing you will never come back, but if you do I apologize for railroading your post.

 

[impulsenine]

First of all, thanks to all of you guys because you invested so much time in replying me. I never expected so much answers, I read all of them and I agree with almost everything you guys said, on a certain level.

I have an update but I want to present you more about US before you read the update, so there you go:

What I liked very much at her was...the fact that I texted her for the first time a big wall of text with my thoughts and she replied with the same amount of text/thoughts. That kinda made me see something I have and can/do in her: the ability to think a lot and almost same about most of things. That made me think we have so much in common and...I saw a reflection of my conciousness in her. Then I decided to give her MBTI personality test and result was INFJ. I never knew too much things about INFJs because I think I met only 2 in my life. But I studied...and I let her study about this and...she was amazed. It made her understand better his way of..being, thinking, doing things. It made her confortable with her atittude, emotions, the way she perceive things.
I'm an INTP and we get along incredibly well...

We made plans to meet this Christmas but something happened. Her ex-relationship started the same way. She met her ex online, she fell in love with him (She was 16), they talked for like 4 years (online), they meet in real life a few times and 2 years ago he moved at her house. They lived together for 2 years but...relationship turned really bad. His behaviour was...devastating for her Soul. Too much jealousy, violence, control etc. She tried to save the relationship but...she received an advice from her mother to "remove him from her life". And she did it. She was broken after this. And right after that moment (maybe a month after) we met eachother. At the wrong time, I suppose.

What happened?
She suddenly turned 180 degrees and she says that we should stop here because she doesn't want to hurt me and she doesn't want to get through a long-distance relationship again, she won't risk to suffer again. She said that she is not prepared to give...what I deserve, I'm too much for her and we met a wrong time. She is not capable of loving someone at this moment.
I told her that I have patience and I don't want to force things..and I just want a 5 minutes date, just a chance, when she feels prepared.
She feels like she is "too low" for me, that she can't satisfy me enough and she doesn't want me to lose time with her.

She said she wants to know from time to time how I am, what I did and if I meet another girl. But I don't want another girl. I just wanted her, otherwise I am feeling okay alone...at least for a time (We both said that we need alone time...to learn to love us again).
That's bad, isn't it? We made a lot of plans and her and my desire to do things together was...real. She really let me in her "intimacy" a lot. And I did it too.

She talked with her mother about me and...I think her mother advised her to...don't engage in this again (long-distance relationship).

I said to her that I don't want a long-distance relationship and...I am open to moving to her town if it will be necessary. (Actualy I had a plan to move to her town prior to meeting her but that just made me want to do it faster because I like that town and people that lives there, in that region of country). Until yesterday she was "open" to that, just a little bit of "guarding". But....that happened.

I don't know what to do now. I can't stop thinking at her. I know that I can meet someone (maybe better) and I can forget her (of course, after enough time), I didn't put her on pedestal but...I just wanted at least to try. For me...regret is bigger if I don't try and never know what happened.

You don't meet everyday someone that can spark your Soul and can motivate you to give the best out of you in the world just with simple gestures. When she said she is not special and I need something special because I am special...I said that this is what I love at her: The fact that she is not special but...she can unleash from me so many good things in these circumstances.

I have a lot of questions and a lot to say...but I will stop here.
I will text her rarely from now on. But I don't really want to get over it and accept the fact that...everything we said we want from eachother will be forever buried.

update: tl;dr: she said she is not ready for feeling "emotions" at that higher level NOW, that she needs more time to recover she doesn't want to engage in a long-distance relationship again (she wants someone from her town) and she doesn't want to feel the pressure that "I would do it for her" (moving in her town).

What is the best approach to this?
I think at these variants:
1) Do what I usually do everyday, text to her from time to time and maybe one day she will change her mind.
2) Forget everything about US and...live my life without her, not texting ever again.
3) Forget everything about her and live my life but...text to her from time to time without expectations.

What I really want is 1) but I think she does 3) and maybe that's a better variant (3).

Oh God...what can make someone out of you from a long distance.
What I learned is...I really like INFJs and I hope my partner across this experience named My Life would be an INFJ. At least I will give it a try.

I really wanted to see her smile in real life. To make her smile. To make her feeling happy and satisfied and fulfilled with her, not with me (ME only as a bonus). I'm really sad that (maybe) I will never see her smiling. And that she would not see what was her influence on my mind and how it changed me the fact that we met. It was "chemistry". After this, I am not the same and would never be. I said to her that if we ever get our minds disconnected...she just has to look at stars and smile when she thinks of me, because that's what I do when I think at her. I hope she will never forget this.

Damn...my entire life I was uncapable of feeling something deeply...of giving and showing my real emotions...and when I am capable of this...this happened. Life really sucks sometimes but that's what makes me live harder. I learned to smile and see what is good in every situation (even in hard times) and she has a special merit on this.

I will never stop to make "a life in my head" (that I want to materialise) just because I will suffer when my ilussions get destroyed. I will asume this risk. One day...illusions won't get destroyed and I will be exalted because actually "I made it".

I materialised the Universe from inside of me to outside.

 

[Ice Cream Man]

@impulsenine: It seems you have a good heart and I wish you well. Your inclination to continue so that you have no regrets later in life makes sense to me. How old are the two of you? INFJ females may be able to offer you better opinions if they know her age.

All the best!

 

[Ice Cream Man]

I wonder if other ENFP's feel the same as your wife? If they enjoy the idea of being idealized & put on a pedestal? I'm curious, I may go ask them their thoughts. Do you think your wife does the same to you?

This is interesting stuff @Kelly Kapowski. Yeah, I actually think she does idealize me in the same way. Thirty two years into this, we never really left the boyfriend/girlfriend giddy stage.

My wife was another one who had lots of options. I think mine was proposal number five. Our meeting was the unlikeliest of events; total serendipity. We’re both very lucky, as it doesn’t seem like this is a typical marriage.

I’d imagine most women would get tired of the Barry White treatment. Not Mrs. (or Ms., if you prefer) Ice Cream Man.

 

[Kelly Kapowski]

This is interesting stuff @Kelly Kapowski. Yeah, I actually think she does idealize me in the same way. Thirty two years into this, we never really left the boyfriend/girlfriend giddy stage.

My wife was another one who had lots of options. I think mine was proposal number five. Our meeting was the unlikeliest of events; total serendipity. We’re both very lucky, as it doesn’t seem like this is a typical marriage.

I’d imagine most women would get tired of the Barry White treatment. Not Mrs. (or Ms., if you prefer) Ice Cream Man.

I have to scoot. I will get back to this thread tomorrow. You seem like such a good man, @Ice Cream Man, and your wife sounds like a lovely woman. Both equally blessed. How absolutely wonderful that you two found each other & still feel that way after all these years!❤

 

[ENIGMA2019]

Well, I have a couple thoughts but take it with a grain of salt because I'm an idiot.

1) It's good to be open with her. Your second section up there- the bolded- there's such beauty in the simplicity & nakedness of that statement. It would make my insides melt. That said, there's a flip side to that...
2) Too much before one is ready can have the opposite effect. Early on, my insides wouldn't quite know what to do with a statement like that & I'd probably shut down for a little bit processing it or high tail it the other direction.
Finally ,
3) I'd recommend not putting her on a pedestal. I had posted about this idea somewhere in the INFJ forum once & quite a few INFJ girls seemed to be in agreement with me. The worst words anyone can say to me are, "You are perfect." Anytime anyone has said that to me, I ran the opposite direction. All that flashes through my head is how wrong it is, and how much it's going to hurt falling from that pedestal when you recognize how absolutely wrong it is.

I feel the need to repeat you should take anything I say with a grain of salt because I'm a dumb butt.







t her 👆. Try not to overthink it. It sounds like she cares quite a bit about you, focus on that.

It sounds like things are going well, you just really have to stay the course & flex your patience. Best wishes & keep us posted!

I have to scoot. I will get back to this thread tomorrow. You seem like such a good man, @Ice Cream Man, and your wife sounds like a lovely woman. Both equally blessed. How absolutely wonderful that you two found each other & still feel that way after all these years!❤

I have read a few of your posts. I thought you were someone I knew but, realized you are not. None the less you appear to be a sweet person.
Your avatar does make me giggle. Cute!