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Discussion Starter #21
@Ice Cream Man
Thanks for those nice words. I appreciate them. We are both in our 20s.

Actually...I will try one more time. I can't let that go that easy. I'll invite her to a date on Christmas/New Year Eve.
If she doesn't accept it I will try to erase her (almost completely) from my Mind. I would just keep a shadow of what is and what she did to me.
What do you think about this?

Now I am patient. Time will fly because I'm busy with my daily activities.
 

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Actually...I will try one more time. I can't let that go that easy.
I was hoping you'd do that. Being patient and kind with her is the best way to make her feel safe again with relationships. Keeping in contact but not letting it get overwhelming (so she wouldn't feel pressured and distance herself) can be helpful too, but it would be best to talk about that with her. If the connection between you is as strong as you've described, and it's also like that when you actually meet in person, then it's worth the wait for the both of you.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
@eeo
Yes, the connection between us is/was strong. I made her do things that she never did to/with anyone. She had same influence on me.
I agree with what you say.

"also like that when you actually meet in person, then it's worth the wait for the both of you. "
She doesn't want me to wait, but I'll do. I hope she will accept the meet in person, I don't really care right now if there would be same compatibility in real life as it is from long-distance. I don't make expectations anymore. I just want to see it happen. With my eyes. I don't want when I would think at her in my life to ask myself the question "what if?".

Now let's just live life, wait and let's see what happens. I will give an update when I have something new.
 

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I have read a few of your posts. I thought you were someone I knew but, realized you are not. None the less you appear to be a sweet person.
Your avatar does make me giggle. Cute!
Thank you 😊

Maybe we do know each other- you remind me a bit of someone (actually a couple someones) I know.
 

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I am not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not. Thank you I think?
Huh, it hadn't crossed my mind that that statement could be interpreted that way. I guess it wasn't meant as a compliment or a criticism, more just a statement. But now I can see how it could be taken a certain way. 😅

Back to whether we know each other or not- I'm just going to throw out some names of people you remind me of 😀: Katie, Lynelle, Megan, Anna. Do what you will with that 😊
 

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@impulsenine

I wanted to write how much I'm against starting and having a LDR because of poor success chance. It is different if you had a regular relationship for a while and then moved to LDR because of life choices etc.

Mostly I'm surprised by the lack of balls. You write how much obsessed are you with her and then you plan on making a "date" 2 months from now. Not to mention during xmas/new-years period when people spend time mostly with family/friends. Yeah...she gonna say no. Not to mention that you put so much pressure on having a "relationship" and "date". How about casual meeting as friends?

Seriously I know men and women who had traveled for 2-3 hours by car/bus/train just to spend 30 minutes with someone they were interested in and then go back often sacrificing sleep time too and feel like shit the next day at work.
 

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I mean, I hate to say, I can't entirely disagree. Not saying I agree with everything vunar stated about you, but, I mean, my fiance was window shopping for plane tickets before we were even dating, and as soon as we started dating, we made plans to see each other in person. Due to circumstances (Such as him having to get his passport renewed and having to apply for an ESTA (a requirement for non US citizens in visa waivered countries to visit the US)) and needing some arrangements for him, he wasn't able to actually come until 5 months after we started dating.
The as soon as he went back, he helped me get my passport, and after my passport was obtained, we booked a flight for me to visit him 6 months after that. We live 4500 miles apart and we able to visit each other within a year's span, and we got engaged after a year of video chatting every day, and after I had visited him for 3 months. We've been moving forward in our relationship as much as circumstances could allow.

I believe a relationship should move forward or at some point it will stagnate and die. If she can't move forward with you in a relationship, then she's probably not ready for a relationship. If you think she is ready, then it should move forward.

He's also an INTP btw.
 

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I wonder if other ENFP's feel the same as your wife? If they enjoy the idea of being idealized & put on a pedestal? I'm curious, I may go ask them their thoughts.
I had another thought on this @Kelly Kapowski. While this may be an ENFP thing, another factor may be her experience as a young girl. She was the youngest of four children, and the only girl. She had a close relationship with her parents, three brothers and also had a large extended family. I’d imagine that a lot of doting males affected her point of view well before I came into her life.

Then again, I knew a lot of ENFP females when I was young. Most seemed to have a large supporting cast of doting males.
 

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Discussion Starter #34
@Vunar I had a LDR that started that way. Well, I don't believe in LDR. I believe only in "We've met eachother, we think we want something more, we will try to give it a chance and don't let that geographical factor to limit us. If we want something serious we will try to move together as fast as possible, after this the realtionship will get really real."
I made it before, I know it is possible, I saw people doing it that way. It works if you and partner wants to. Otherwise you'll find an excuse and you won't believe that much in that "relationship".

I don't want a LDR but I don't have a problem nor rejecting if it is starting that way.

I have a totally different opinion. I believe more in LDR that started that way and then become a close-contact one than the one that starts the classical way and then became LDR.

"I'm surprised by the lack of balls. You write how much obsessed are you with her and then you plan on making a "date" 2 months from now. Not to mention during xmas/new-years period when people spend time mostly with family/friends. Yeah...she gonna say no. "

That's because you don't know all the details. I didn't plan the date. I talked with her about meeting eachother and she said she is not ready for this now but if it would be she would like it to be this xmas/new-year period. I said it is okay for me because I have the Christmas Break from Uni right in that period. I told her exactly same thing: "Are you sure? Because that's a period when people usually wants to spend time with family" - she said "yeah, totally sure. I will spend them alone, maybe I will visit my mom one time."

If she'll gonna say no it's another reason, not that. Not the fact that I planed a "date" 2 months from now, not that it is during xmas.


"Not to mention that you put so much pressure on having a "relationship" and "date". How about casual meeting as friends? "

Yeah, I know I did. That was a very big mistake I made. I never told her that it is a date (I used wrong term on this forum). I evenly said that I want from her to show me some beautiful places in her town (guide me a little bit) and we will see how we'll get along. Well, it was her that firstly said that she wants more from me than this...but that's private conversation and I don't wanna share it.

My thoughts now (after a cold shower) are:
  • I scared her with my desires, I became too emotional involved in this too fast.
  • She (under influences of her mother and her own thoughts) decided to stop it there because she won't risk to have another bad experience again.
  • Both of ^.
That's kinda over but I'm not accepting it, I think.
But whatever happens, I will visit and explore her town this winter (between xmas and new year) - if that would be possible (because of pandemic situation) and I will ask her for a casual 5 minutes meeting if she wants to. If yes - we will see what happens. If not - I will try to get over it completely as fast as possible, but I will keep sending her messages sometimes because I want to know how she recovers, if she is happy, how is she doing generally, without being too emotional.
 

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I had another thought on this @Kelly Kapowski. While this may be an ENFP thing, another factor may be her experience as a young girl. She was the youngest of four children, and the only girl. She had a close relationship with her parents, three brothers and also had a large extended family. I’d imagine that a lot of doting males affected her point of view well before I came into her life.

Then again, I knew a lot of ENFP females when I was young. Most seemed to have a large supporting cast of doting males.

Interesting thoughts, @Ice Cream Man! It makes sense that it woud contribute to it. I'm the youngest as well, but there was no doting. Our house was probably the opposite of that, and I seem to have carried that with me because I tend to view "doting" as a negative behavior. Well at least in raising children. I'd think in a marriage it would be a good thing though, I guess. As long as both are doing it equally? It is interesting to consider if there is a link, I'm sure it has to have some affect. Though as mentioned before, it seems common for INFJ females to feel horrified by (at least the idea of?) being put on a pedestal. So it does seem at least somewhat type related? I'm guessing it has something to do with the self-perfectionistic tendencies. Though I wonder why the males don't seem to feel this way. Do you enjoy the idea? Of being put on a pedestal? Do you want your wife to do that?

Yes, I don't think most female ENFP's lack in the doting male department. They are quite likable. :) May hop over to the ENFP forum now & see if I can get some thoughts on the topic from them.
 

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. Though as mentioned before, it seems common for INFJ females to feel horrified by (at least the idea of?) being put on a pedestal. So it does seem at least somewhat type related? I'm guessing it has something to do with the self-perfectionistic tendencies. Though I wonder why the males don't seem to feel this way. Do you enjoy the idea? Of being put on a pedestal? Do you want your wife to do that?
Nah, I don’t think we’re that different. I want to feel valued and respected by people I value and respect (Enneagram 3w4), although my wife can put me on a pedestal. That said, compliments make me a bit uncomfortable. Often my knee jerk reaction is to say something self effacing. It’s a tug of war, wanting silent recognition without verbal compliments although, like most weird aspects of my personality, this has moderated with age.
 

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Nah, I don’t think we’re that different. I want to feel valued and respected by people I value and respect (Enneagram 3w4), although my wife can put me on a pedestal. That said, compliments make me a bit uncomfortable. Often my knee jerk reaction is to say something self effacing. It’s a tug of war, wanting silent recognition without verbal compliments although, like most weird aspects of my personality, this has moderated with age.
Saaaaaaame 👆 I'm known for that amongst my friends (self-effacing response to compliments). I've finally learned to just say "thank you", as it can be offensive not to take a compliment. It's like saying "Shadduuuuup. You don't know what you're talking about." A bit of a slap in the face, really.

I made a post about this pedestal business, though I put it in the NF forum. Idk why I put it there 👀
 

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@Vunar I had a LDR that started that way. Well, I don't believe in LDR. I believe only in "We've met eachother, we think we want something more, we will try to give it a chance and don't let that geographical factor to limit us. If we want something serious we will try to move together as fast as possible, after this the realtionship will get really real."
I made it before, I know it is possible, I saw people doing it that way. It works if you and partner wants to. Otherwise you'll find an excuse and you won't believe that much in that "relationship".

I don't want a LDR but I don't have a problem nor rejecting if it is starting that way.

I have a totally different opinion. I believe more in LDR that started that way and then become a close-contact one than the one that starts the classical way and then became LDR.

"I'm surprised by the lack of balls. You write how much obsessed are you with her and then you plan on making a "date" 2 months from now. Not to mention during xmas/new-years period when people spend time mostly with family/friends. Yeah...she gonna say no. "

That's because you don't know all the details. I didn't plan the date. I talked with her about meeting eachother and she said she is not ready for this now but if it would be she would like it to be this xmas/new-year period. I said it is okay for me because I have the Christmas Break from Uni right in that period. I told her exactly same thing: "Are you sure? Because that's a period when people usually wants to spend time with family" - she said "yeah, totally sure. I will spend them alone, maybe I will visit my mom one time."

If she'll gonna say no it's another reason, not that. Not the fact that I planed a "date" 2 months from now, not that it is during xmas.


"Not to mention that you put so much pressure on having a "relationship" and "date". How about casual meeting as friends? "

Yeah, I know I did. That was a very big mistake I made. I never told her that it is a date (I used wrong term on this forum). I evenly said that I want from her to show me some beautiful places in her town (guide me a little bit) and we will see how we'll get along. Well, it was her that firstly said that she wants more from me than this...but that's private conversation and I don't wanna share it.

My thoughts now (after a cold shower) are:
  • I scared her with my desires, I became too emotional involved in this too fast.
  • She (under influences of her mother and her own thoughts) decided to stop it there because she won't risk to have another bad experience again.
  • Both of ^.
That's kinda over but I'm not accepting it, I think.
But whatever happens, I will visit and explore her town this winter (between xmas and new year) - if that would be possible (because of pandemic situation) and I will ask her for a casual 5 minutes meeting if she wants to. If yes - we will see what happens. If not - I will try to get over it completely as fast as possible, but I will keep sending her messages sometimes because I want to know how she recovers, if she is happy, how is she doing generally, without being too emotional.
You made an effort, then. I hate when people just leave and don't give reasons.
It's understandable. You'd want either another chance or closure.
I hope it works out.
 

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Discussion Starter #39
@dulcinea Exactly. I don't understand how can someone get from 10000 to 1 on emotional levels in no time. It feels like hitting an emotional wall that gets you from 200 km/h to 0 km/h with devastating consequences. (Yeah, I'm exaggerating a bit).
Oh, and I discovered that INFJs tend to do this often. It's called INFJ doorslam. Good to know.

And I like how there is a second discussion in this topic unrelated to mine (maybe a little bit related). That's weird and fun. Continue it, please.
It is reminding me of those moments when I'm telling a story and I deviate to another 5 collateral stories to make that first story easier to understand.

^_^
 

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@dulcinea Exactly. I don't understand how can someone get from 10000 to 1 on emotional levels in no time. It feels like hitting an emotional wall that gets you from 200 km/h to 0 km/h with devastating consequences. (Yeah, I'm exaggerating a bit).
Oh, and I discovered that INFJs tend to do this often. It's called INFJ doorslam. Good to know.
Sorry, I'm butting in. Did she doorslam you??

Doorslam- I don't get. Mostly the pride a lot of INFJ's have in it, because it strikes me as childish. I think it happens when we feel emotionally overwhelmed. That is something I understand. In regards to going from 10000 to 1 on an emotional level- this I really get. I can flip a switch in 2 shakes of a lamb's tail. I'm not quite always sure why this happens, but here are some thoughts:

It is hard for me to be in the moment. Really, really hard. I think this is due to low Se in our stack? I'm not sure. I may just be regurgitating that idea. At any rate, I try to embrace moments & not think. It's pretty fantastic to do this. In fact, I love it. It feels amazing to just "be" and go with the thoughts/feelings. It also 🗣scares the living crap out of me. So I will often find myself in this position, where I'm enjoying & trying to just "be" in the moment, and then suddenly overthink some random little thing aaaaand 🎤skiddly-bop-doo-waahhhh 🎬 Goodbye. Back into my shell I retreat, up go the walls. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. Just wanted to share my POV on the shutting down business.

Another possiblity (or just the next step to 👆 I guess) is simply processing. When I feel emotionally overwhelmed- which unfortunately, happens too easily😣, I need to shut down & process because I may not know how/why I'm feeling a certain way & I need to figure out why I'm overwhelmed & if it's justified.


aNyWaY...
 
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