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6,529 Posts
@dulcinea Exactly. I don't understand how can someone get from 10000 to 1 on emotional levels in no time. It feels like hitting an emotional wall that gets you from 200 km/h to 0 km/h with devastating consequences. (Yeah, I'm exaggerating a bit).
Oh, and I discovered that INFJs tend to do this often. It's called INFJ doorslam. Good to know.

And I like how there is a second discussion in this topic unrelated to mine (maybe a little bit related). That's weird and fun. Continue it, please.
It is reminding me of those moments when I'm telling a story and I deviate to another 5 collateral stories to make that first story easier to understand.

Could be. I personally cringe at the idea of 'doorslamming' being a typical INFJ thing. It seems like a pretty selfish and immature thing to do overall. I've been more the recipient than deliverer of doorslamming, because I generally try to accept, either people's flaws or circumstances, and, if I can't accept it, I tend to let them know why I can't be in a close relationship with them right now, and leave the door open in my mind, in case things might change. I never burn bridges.
One person I've been 'doorslammed' by, the way it happens, just makes me view her as a really judgy person. There was a huge misunderstanding and I got called a 'bad friend', and she's been cold to me ever since. Forget that!

(to be fair, I have a been a bad friend to some people, but the issues in this particular friendship stemmed from poor communication issues and her lack of understanding of my financial issues at the time)

899 Posts
Discussion Starter #43
@dulcinea In my opinion "doorslaming" is quite a INTx and INFJ thing. The difference is INTx would never think "emotional" about it while INFJ would do.
I agree with the association of doorslaming with immaturity.

"I tend to let them know why I can't be in a close relationship with them right now, and leave the door open in my mind, in case things might change. I never burn bridges. "

This is the correct way to do it but not in a (very) sharp way. And for xNFJs who've had bad experiences it's a big risk of becoming very sharp. But as long as this is for personal protection I/We, people with greater resilience should understand, accept it and not take it too personal. That's what I'm doing in my particular case.

Yeah, forget it! It's not a good friendship if you have to put a lot of effort in it. If there is a natural tendency to being misunderstood, communication problems etc., then....there is not enough compatibility.

Oh, and judging a "friend"? I never do this and I won't accept it from a "friend". If you have time to "judge" a friend then you are not paying attention to the right things.

2,298 Posts
I think the problem with doorslamming is that it's a term that most people understand differently. There are people that take it to mean that you close yourself off from someone emotionally and just kind of stop being emotionally involved with that person. Others take it to mean that you just stop all communication. Still others see it as a confrontation with someone where you take passive-agressive action to try and stop contact with that person.

All of those are vastly different but I have a strong feeling that for all three the term 'doorslam' is used. The fact that there are such vastly differing definitions makes it extremely hard to have a conversation about it.

899 Posts
Discussion Starter #45
I have a closure!

So ... story time. With a little drama.

What happened? After everything that happened, we communicated through short messages (but very detached, cold and dry, without emotional involvement) rarely, once a week.

Then I took care of my personal life during which from time to time (once every 2-3 weeks) I would give her another message in which I expressed my interest and appreciation for her + I also said what had happened in my life , I was transmitting my own thoughts, emotions. To which she answered dryly, we had not real conversations, only I sent a message, she one and that's it. I

had almost given up until one day (before the winter holidays) when I was walking randomly at night, on the streets of a city and I saw an inspirational, cute message written on a building. I took a picture of it and sent it to her, telling her that it reminded me of her.

That's when we had a turnaround.

She told me that she didn't expect me to insist so much and that ... if I'm so persevering and still interested after what happened and she still feels and thinks a lot about me ... then it must be something serious (my interest). And she told me that she also thought about me all the time during that time when we didn't talk anymore.

And since then ... we've returned to exactly the original state. WE had long, serious, intimate, close, emotional, rational conversations about everything. Full time (at work, right after waking up, right before waking up. She read every message in less than a minute every time, she was interested in everything I had to say).

(At the time, I suspected that this "comeback" might be caused by the fact that it was the winter holidays and she might want attention)

And we came back again exactly as it was in the beginning: exchange of impressions, thoughts, events, photos, wishes, etc. We had come to make plans again. Moreover, she said how much she wants me and what she wants from us if we had a relationship and so on. Very "emotional". This thing lasted for about 2 weeks. Then she changed her mood again, she had become sad again and inhibited, she was no longer so open.

We didn't talk for a few more days and then when we got back in the conversation ... she told me again exactly like the first time that: she doesn't think there can be anything between us that she's not ready and that I'm not from her city and that ... well, reasons I've already said (I don't write them again because I said them the first time).

I didn't take it so seriously a second time (like I did it first time, which was so drama queen reaction - haha) and I thought it was just a temporary emotional state that could be overcomed.

The point is ... we kept talking after that, but just as friends, nothing deep, only cold. For a few days (but she had become detached again).

In the meantime, an unfortunate event happened in her family and she did not have a very good emotional state (and even now she is not well). Exactly at the same time I was busy with my personal life.

What is the idea: I proposed to meet as soon as possible so that we would know and see if we can get along, not to waste time (in fact I have the feeling that I said the same thing before the second time when she said that there can be nothing between us) and she always postponed and left in the air the decision ... something like "yes, we'll see.".

We haven't talked for 3 weeks.

Then I scheduled a visit (to explore) the city where she lives. I invited her to a meeting (friendly, 5 minutes at least, if she has time) and no matter how much I insisted, no matter how directly or indirectly, she didn't want to.

The idea is that she motivated that she is not ready and that she does not want this (I can't understand how someone who says "I can't wait to meet you!" one time...can say this after 2 weeks) and it is not worth wasting my time with her.

(She became defensive and emotional). She said that "if there is to be anything between us, it will be." I told her no problem, but at least she would have any interest in the future? Ok, not now. But are you interested IN THE FUTURE?

I mean ... does she feels anything for me, or not? And she did not give a concrete answer. She would answer something like, "If you hate me and you don't want to talk to me anymore ... it's ok" And I said, "I don't hate you. I appreciate you. But I'm asking you this just to know what you want, what your wishes are: would it be okay if we don't talk at all?" (not so direct, although only once - last tmie - I did it directly) - SHE SAID SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYMORE what she wants and when I said "did ever what you said was honest? You had feelings for me or not?" And she said that she had feelings but she doesn't know what feelings. And either avoid answering or saying "if you don't want to talk to me anymore I understand." but I was asking her if she wanted to talk to me, not me talking to her.

I visited the city and it was beautiful. I didn't meet her.


I deleted from the phone what I received from her (pictures, recordings, etc.) and I am no longer willing to do anything about her.

I would have liked it if we had remained friends, but I honestly think she's in a much too "fucked up" state and it's harmful to me.

That's about it, I'm not looking for her at all. If she texts me ever (friendly) ok, I will answer her without any problem (still friendly).
But in a romantic sense ... no, never. Maybe in one situation: if she says "let's meet tomorrow" - otherwise not. That's it.

Now what I wanted to say are the last conclusions about what happened: First of all I want to say that it is possible that she was mistyped. Her MBTI result was: Introvert - 53%; iNtuitive - 74%; Feeling - 64%; Judging - 54%. I think (based on several analyzes) that it is very possible that she is in fact an ISFJ. But I can't explain how and why.

Many things she has (beliefs, ideas) are specific to ISFJs. But some of them (which she had while we got along well, in the moments when she had a balanced emotional state) were specific to INFJs.

I don't know if the difference is given by the type of personality but I know for sure that it is very much influenced by the emotional state. So I don't know if she's really ISFJ or INFJ. Her enneagram result was 4w5. Which would seem super strange to me for an ISFJ. But that too could be a mistype. But if it wasn't a mistype and she really was an ISFJ 4w5 ... probably from there the compatibility, the similarities. Because I'm 4w5 too.
And in terms of love languages: the result she had ... I think it's closer to INFJ than ISFJ.

I don't think she really knows what happened either. That's why she's confused. Or maybe she knows and doesn't want to admit it. I have no idea.
I think it's a combination of "I'm not ready" and "I'm not attracted enough." Surely.


The point is, I've learned a lot from this, and from it. I'm not sorry about anything, because I met her. I learned a lot from her / through / with her help. I'm very grateful for that.

I think the most important lesson I've learned is to ... stop forcing things, relationships. To give my interest but as long as at least 70% of the interest I offer is not returned to me: to withdraw.

I'm a little frustrated with that "failure". I always thought about "But I am so far...what if I'm at 80% and the victory awaits me right after next corner?" but that's it.

In the next period I will take care of my personal life, I'm focusing on myself and the people around me, I am open to meet people.

I'm sure there are a lot of girls at least as attractive, kind as this girl, who appreciate me and consider me attractive, I just need to know them. And I will do that.

Thank you to all those who offered me advice, opinions or words of encouragement regarding this situation (both here in public and in private), know that I appreciate you very much and I hope you'll have many accomplishments and successes! :)

I'm finally unchained of this.


5,966 Posts

Man I had no idea you were going through an INTP/INFJ saga of your own. Sounds like you were in a lot deeper than me.

I got a big thing for the INFJ I was talking to online, and she also went suddenly quite cold. She didn't have emotional reasons, but her life routine changed and I think that knocked her mindset somehow. We talk less these days and for a while I was really hurting, but finally I'm okay with things, and I understand that her change in attitude is probably not related to me or our 'relationship'.

I have to say though, for any INFJs reading this: The hot/cold thing you do to people can be REALLY hurtful.
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