Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dear all,

I have fallen deeply for two musicians in recent three and a half years. They are musicians of different genres. One of them was only a friend. The other had intimate relations with me but he doesn't want an exclusive relationship.

Then a female friend advises me that musicians are probably not for me, and that I am perhaps not compatible with them. To some extent I agree since history tells me so, but then in general I am not attracted to AND do not attract people who want a monogamous relationship with me, so, history doesn't really tell much in a sense.

I do, however, think I avoid the type and cluster of people who may make better choices. For an example, I go to church but I want to keep a distance with the guys there. And it's one of the very few places that I meet men of the opposite sex, offline.

I'm an introvert and do think online dating helped me talk to a lot more men. I'm using past tense because I am no longer using such apps due to my emotional unavailability. Plus lack of success there.

Is there any advice that I should take?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
what is it about musicians that attracts you?
It was the conversation that made me fall for them. And both of them are introverts which make me feel at ease; they don't try too hard. We could talk about random stuff like cartoon characters as if they are cosmo stuff. I like how they don't small talk. Because I am not comfortable with small talk as well.

P.S. INFJ here.
 

·
Spam-I-am
Joined
·
14,076 Posts
It was the conversation that made me fall for them. And both of them are introverts which make me feel at ease; they don't try too hard. We could talk about random stuff like cartoon characters as if they are cosmo stuff. I like how they don't small talk. Because I am not comfortable with small talk as well.

P.S. INFJ here.
so you are more attracted to the introvert and not so much the musician
it could be that the social scene is more approachable for you
if it is conversation you are seeking you could try lectures, used book/record stores, museums and libraries to meet people
 

·
Host
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ VLFE
Joined
·
21,020 Posts
Dear all,

I have fallen deeply for two musicians in recent three and a half years. They are musicians of different genres. One of them was only a friend. The other had intimate relations with me but he doesn't want an exclusive relationship.

Then a female friend advises me that musicians are probably not for me, and that I am perhaps not compatible with them. To some extent I agree since history tells me so, but then in general I am not attracted to AND do not attract people who want a monogamous relationship with me, so, history doesn't really tell much in a sense.

I do, however, think I avoid the type and cluster of people who may make better choices. For an example, I go to church but I want to keep a distance with the guys there. And it's one of the very few places that I meet men of the opposite sex, offline.

I'm an introvert and do think online dating helped me talk to a lot more men. I'm using past tense because I am no longer using such apps due to my emotional unavailability. Plus lack of success there.

Is there any advice that I should take?
Okay, how old are you?

I don't think you're asking the right questions here. You've had two encounters with musicians, that hardly constitutes a pattern of any sort.

It sounds like what you're really looking for is someone with some more stability. Someone who is a bit more predictable.
 

·
Spam-I-am
Joined
·
14,076 Posts
or better yet, do what i do
chloroform them, tie them up in your basement [use heavy duty duct tape] then have a big powerful light shining in their face
proceed to question them intensely and if they pass ....date them
be careful to use the chloroform sparingly though
too much can cause severe brain damage
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Okay, how old are you?

I don't think you're asking the right questions here. You've had two encounters with musicians, that hardly constitutes a pattern of any sort.

It sounds like what you're really looking for is someone with some more stability. Someone who is a bit more predictable.
I haven't decided it's a pattern yet, so what you've said just now could be the real solution.
I'm 23.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
255 Posts
what is it about musicians that attracts you?
Speaking from experience, rabid overconfidence even if that overconfidence is masked by their personality type. And also a lot of musicians go out of their way to 'reel one in', I've come across plenty who couldn't give a second thought to the music or just a bit of fun for the reason they like to perform on stage or be in a band. A lot of them go up there with a predetermined image of themselves they'd like to display the music is a part of that, and not the other way around. I'd stress the point that this is the case, even if the image is not true. On the other hand, a lot of their true colours come out because of the position they're in, I couldn't do half the stuff I did on stage or in a band in any other situation without getting weird looks from everyone. There's a part of your personality that comes our in situations like those, other parts you manufacture for said opportunity.

@gravitate I can bet that the musicians you've dated have a lot of confidence about them, especially in their own environment, from my own assessment, it is most likely that you haven't dated a musician who is not in a band or has not performed on stage much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
or better yet, do what i do
chloroform them, tie them up in your basement [use heavy duty duct tape] then have a big powerful light shining in their face
proceed to question them intensely and if they pass ....date them
be careful to use the chloroform sparingly though
too much can cause severe brain damage
Sigh, if dating is this easy:wink:
 

·
Host
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ VLFE
Joined
·
21,020 Posts
I haven't decided it's a pattern yet, so what you've said just now could be the real solution.
I'm 23.
You're probably a bit ahead of the curve in terms of looking for a long-term relationship, but only you know your own heart. This is a good time for you to get to know yourself as an adult; as-well-as what you are looking for in a more permanent partner. You may need to experience a few lesser relationships before you achieve one with someone who will be more suited to your temperaments. These lesser relationships will teach you more about yourself than you ever thought possible. I suggest you concentrate on what feels right to you for now. When it really IS right, you'll both know it.
 

·
Registered
INTJ 5w4 Sx/Sp
Joined
·
2,387 Posts
It's hard to find others who want to commit long term for sure. We know introverts can work well together because it doesn't become overbearing and both respect eachother's need for alone time. Were there anything about these musicians that you can define that you didn't like? And I mean what you feel here especially, and not your friend.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
You're probably a bit ahead of the curve in terms of looking for a long-term relationship, but only you know your own heart. This is a good time for you to get to know yourself as an adult; as-well-as what you are looking for in a more permanent partner. You may need to experience a few lesser relationships before you achieve one with someone who will be more suited to your temperaments. These lesser relationships will teach you more about yourself than you ever thought possible.
It's quite common for girls of my age in my city looking for LTR, but I am aware the guys I dated aren't (ranging from early 20s to early 30s).
Something I found out about myself: I never thought I would engage in casual relations, especially before any serious ones take place. But there I went.

@gravitate I can bet that the musicians you've dated have a lot of confidence about them, especially in their own environment, from my own assessment, it is most likely that you haven't dated a musician who is not in a band or has not performed on stage much.
The first one was a classical instrument player, and the second one a producer. I don't know how you would classify their stage experience. I have talked to one or two other musicians as well, but we didn't click. Probably what you said, but then I'm not sure what you meant, so :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
It's hard to find others who want to commit long term for sure. We know introverts can work well together because it doesn't become overbearing and both respect eachother's need for alone time. Were there anything about these musicians that you can define that you didn't like? And I mean what you feel here especially, and not your friend.
For the first guy, I didn't like how he was always drawn into a black hole of pessimism. But then it drew me to him at the same time. And he had that "musicians don't work that way" vibe.

For the second guy, other than the "he doesn't want a monogamous relationship" part, I would say smoking which he knows isn't good for his health. But it isn't a deal-breaker at this moment. I just worry about people I have feelings for.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
610 Posts
Edit: Maybe they weren't at the same place in their lives and there wasn't compatibility. Today people seem to commit at older ages. Have you dated older guys or guys your age?
 

·
Registered
INTJ 5w4 Sx/Sp
Joined
·
2,387 Posts
For the first guy, I didn't like how he was always drawn into a black hole of pessimism. But then it drew me to him at the same time. And he had that "musicians don't work that way" vibe.

For the second guy, other than the "he doesn't want a monogamous relationship" part, I would say smoking which he knows isn't good for his health. But it isn't a deal-breaker at this moment. I just worry about people I have feelings for.
It sounds to me like you would appreciate someone who can think forward and with a positive attitude. A common stereotype about musicians, that's often true to some degree in my experience, is that some of them don't worry about their future, can live too much in the moment, be hard to keep for yourself and not be very reliable on the economic side of things.

This doesn't have to be true of course, but it's a risk. On the other hand artistic, creative personalities can be spontaneous and very fun to be around, but it's all about weighing the pros and cons. Sometimes it's not always the ones you're attracted to and click with right away, but the ones you don't see as potential mates, that you build up a relationship with slowly, that can work out best. My advice would probably be to not get too closed-minded about your options, try things out, take time to learn what you want from others.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31,261 Posts
I do not understand what musicians have to do with this, it seems like you are saying that musicians as a group, do not make better choices as opposed to other people such as church members.
What about these groups makes you think this way?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,437 Posts
What's so bad about dating musicians? I think you should avoid dating people who are crazy, immoral or not well matched with you. No need to generalise a large group of people. Most musicians also have a day job, anyway.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,877 Posts
You might have a type and there's nothing wrong with that, just remember that even if there are common patterns among musicians, they're individuals with different personalities and views. I'm not exactly a musician but I used to be, my own way, and I'd love to involve music in my career and I'm a demisexual and monogamous as they come.

Same for DJs, they're not all shallow womanizers.

But something to reflect on is whether you like them as a person or because of what they represent (musicians, introverts, cultured and so on) because infatuation and idealization are both things that might make one focus on the stereotype rather than the person. I don't believe one can be in love with two people at once on the same level but that's just me. Still, try to keep in mind that you're looking for a person, not an ideal.

If you seek stability, either discuss it with them or try to find someone you're compatible with.
Changes in the way one perceives relationships have to be natural and wanted, not resignation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
37 Posts
So much musician stereotyping in this thread....

Just got to say there are any musicians who are serious about their craft, are hard working and diligent.

The people who fall outside of the above I wouldn't term musicians.


Many also make a decent living from music.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,139 Posts
So, a majority of my friends are or have been musicians at some point.

Musicians, just like any other group of people, are varied. Some of them are great and make fantastic SO's. Others are awkward. Some cheat regularly. Some are loyal. Most of them are dedicated to their work, to the point where you may not be their top priority. As long as you can accept that, I see no reason to avoid them.

I can totally see the appeal in dating them. Having someone to sing to you, play piano for you, etc. It's pretty great, huh?

The best is when there's 13 of them all in one van on a 10 hour journey and they all decide to sing their own parts of the show :happy:
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top