Personality Cafe banner

1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,551 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
What would your mom do that you loved?
What would she do that you disliked/hated?
What advice would you give any mom who has an ESFJ? Is there any insight you think an ENFP mom should hear in particular? Thank you in advance for help in understanding your type!
 

·
Electronica Wizard
Joined
·
6,670 Posts
Oh yeah, and nobody ever even offered me drugs. Isn't that something that happens to nearly everybody? Well not me. Everybody hated me enough to even leave me out of drugs. - ESFJ JThearts (2013)

Me to, my friend.. me too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
686 Posts
Not an ESFJ so this is just 'ideas' based off a few of them who I've known over the years, a grandma, and the usual stuff we read on type theory. I'd be careful about the Fi/Fe clash... I'd try very hard to understand and honor her need for that Fe, even if it comes out in ways which really cross or trigger your Fi, especially at times when you just don't understand her reasoning or motivation. I'd be careful about Fi-flavored moralizing.. even though Fi often honors others right to feel and believe what they wish, I think Fi comes out differently for those closest to us, that we feel obligated to provide a solid sense of morals and definitely high standards in children, and that this might be felt for a young Fe as still oppressive and stifling, because she can feel and sense your internal feelings and judgements.. even when you don't express them. And I'd actively pay attention to Si, to tradition, to routines if she needs them to feel safe. But what can a parent ever really do? But be the best self they can be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,551 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I’ve been even more complementary about how responsible he is than usual and actually he like took on extra responsibility and oh my gosh... he’s so impressive, but thriving under that positivity is just so amazing. It’s like he steps up into the compliment. Usually I want to see someone step up when I’m negative about something— but it’s just amazing to see him step up from positivity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,172 Posts
I’ve been even more complementary about how responsible he is than usual and actually he like took on extra responsibility and oh my gosh... he’s so impressive, but thriving under that positivity is just so amazing. It’s like he steps up into the compliment. Usually I want to see someone step up when I’m negative about something— but it’s just amazing to see him step up from positivity.
My wife is an E2 ESFJ. We started dating in high school when she was just shy of 17. I got to see firsthand how she responded so differently to her mother versus her father. Her mother was always quite negatively critical of her. I'm sure she was trying to motivate her as you mentioned, but she never responded well to it at all. Their relationship was always quite difficult, right to the day her mother passed away. Don't get me wrong, her mother was never mean or abusive and obviously cared about her daughter very much, but the negative tone she always started off with would instantaneously put my wife into a defensive and non-receptive posture.

On the other hand, her father always started off with a significantly softer and more positive tone with her, even if it ended up with a suggestion/correction by the time the conversation was finished. She had an amazingly positive relationship with her father. You can guess which approach I adopted after observing their relationships... and we're still together 45 years later (41 married).

Good luck with with your son!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,951 Posts
I am not a parent, but my sister is an ESFJ and given our big age difference I had to assume a sort of parental role with her.

First of all I think ESFJs have the potential to be amazing people but are very easily affected by their environment/peers so I made sure to take my sister and her friends out on occasion (as the cool elder sister they were more than happy to oblige) and gauge their interaction styles. I often stressed with my sister that as wonderful as it is, taking into account other peoples' wishes/feelings one has to also make up their own mind and make sure they take care of themselves (ESFJs can often forget that, especially E2s).

Routine/conventional accomplishments can be very important for an ESFJ, so this is an area you may find you have difficulty appreciating as an ENFP. I am not a big fun of strict routines but things were so chaotic at home when I was growing up that I came to appreciate it, and made a conscious effort to provide it (to an extent) for my sister. Fortunately, ESFJs are hardy folk and they do well with adversity, so she turned out to be a bright, empathetic and ambitious young lady.

From what I can tell from your posts you seem to be the sort of parent who goes the extra mile for their children, so I think you should be just fine. ENFP/ESFJ is not the worst combo out there, and though you may find some interactions challenging I'm sure you'll work it out just fine.

Best of luck :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,551 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Thanks @Aridela his twin sister is an INTP. He has always taken care of her. She isn't diagnosed as autistic (she is always off by 1 or 2 points) and 2 neuropsychologists told us she would grow out of many of her problems (almost debilitating sensory processing disorder and way below average social skills) but he always watched out for her when she got overwhelmed or lost when she was younger and helped her with her friends, and that was pretty much on a daily basis until around 7th grade, actually. So it's a neat relationship for them and neat to see over the years. Those first several years he naturally did care-taking so that she could cope and he was just plain bored without her when they tried to split them. They are both wonderful. She's usually top of her class even with these problems and slowly she's started to care little by little about other kids other than her brother. I'm grateful I had twins.

With the routines I don't like to fail him and I can tell when he gets disappointed.

@jcal Contratz on 45 years!!! And also to the rewards and joys of a positive approach!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,281 Posts
@Llyralen

Did not read any of the other post. Forgive any rehash.

I have an ESFJ son as well. He is 24now so I have seen him go through a
ton.

The biggest item I see with my son in so far as something that weights on
him is cultural masculine traits are sometimes at odds with him. Biological
male traits are fine though.

I can literally see the cognitive dissonance happen
live with him due to this. Its very interesting to be sure!
Yet I can see the skewed smile and jolt of emotion flow through him
and it makes my heart ache a bit to see him like that.

As an example. I will be over at his place with my ESFJ wife
visiting our granddaughter. Well when we go to leave the two ESFJ (my wife and son)
will quite literally take it personally when my granddaughter is not in a mood to
give hugs and kisses good by. Heres what I stand back and chuckle at...

We are leaving....

Son: Okay FBC (I have coined FueledByCuteness for my granddaughter)
Give Oma (my wife) and Papa (me) a hug and kiss good bye!

FBC: NO! (shes two)

ME: Thats fine FBC I am much bigger than you and I willl just grab you
and hug you anyhow...here I comeeeeee.. and I chase her, she laughs
and I snatch her up and kiss her until she is laughing hysterically.

My Wife: Sad look on her face ..drops head .... "okay thats fine."

Son: Face grows sad and he gets stern (toooooo funny to watch this)
"FBC you go give Oma a hug now. You are making her sad"

Oma: Fake cry for effect.

FBC: Looks at her dad, looks at her mom, looks at Oma. Capitulates.


Okay so how does that describe how my sons masculine traits are
at odds with his personality? Because he would never admit to that behavior.


If I speak with him about that exact scenario? He claims it is for his mom that he does it.
Look Llyralen, after 24 years the kid aint fooling me. I am sure the
same can be said for your little ones.

So I guess to come full circle. During my ESFJ's upbringing we needed to
be sure that we allowed him to grow in a way that was true to himself
by nurturing his nurture while still respecting the idea that is masculine
in culture. A lot of back and forth with my wife and I on this topic. Now
this is not to say we forced manly principals onto him. Far from it.
It was us, as parents, observing the little sea monkey and helping
him move in a direction that he wanted whilst forcing him to hold true
to who he actually is. Given that ESFJ types are about one of the
furthest from masculine culture trait set? That became the biggest item for
us to balance with him.


It is important to note here that my son ultimately respects the cultural
differences between men and woman and wants to play that game.
I would have been just as happy and supportive if he wanted no part
of that and in turn decided to choose lifestyles that where/are counter
culture. Truthfully? I don't think a true ESFJ can go counter culture.

There are a lot of little obvious items yet the item I spoke on today
was the one that made for the most leg work and indeed the most
important for personal progression in a fruitful way for his spirit/soul/conscience.
Whatever it is one believes in.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,551 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
@FueledByEvil You and Fueledbycuteness sound like so much fun!
Wow! I see it! Luckily his dad is an INFP so I think that helps some... that he can see men as nurturing. But you're right... and there's also physical traits to consider when I think about it... like what he thinks are acceptable physical traits for certain things. He's a very good looking young man (a bit androgynous in the face) and I somehow think that might have some baring to how he feels about appropriateness? In a way that would never come into my head since I consider looks just the outside husk of any person. Hmm.. I didn't realize he would be battling a bit that way. I think it's really good that he was able to care-take his INTP sister quite a lot growing up. Such interesting things to think about! Thank you muchly! Your thoughts are always appreciated, sir. =)
 
  • Like
Reactions: eatery125

·
Registered
Joined
·
393 Posts
What would your mom do that you loved?
She would speak to me kindly, check in on my feelings, make me my favorite recipes, or find silly ways to make me laugh and make things fun! She'd also write little notes to me in my school lunch box sometimes which I thought was a very sweet gesture. I noticed all the little things she did and took those to heart.

What would she do that you disliked/hated?
I didn't like when she would make me late to places. She could talk a mile a minute and get herself out of any social situation but it bothered me when I felt she wasn't being "responsible".... and she was the parent! Haha! Or when she said she'd do something and then didn't. I'm a parent now myself so I get how many things a mom juggles but as a teenager it just really bothered me if she said she would do something and then just forgot about it but I remembered. Sometimes she would spend a lot of money and oddly enough that would bother me even if it was on myself. I felt like I was definitely more frugal with money and was wondering if it was responsible as a parent to be spending like that... haha! Obviously, it's her money and my dad's so who am I to be asking that? Just being honest with what I thought as a kid.

What advice would you give any mom who has an ESFJ? Is there any insight you think an ENFP mom should hear in particular? Thank you in advance for help in understanding your type!
I think ESFJ kids just need a lot of love, hugs, gentle voices, and a home environment free of excessive conflict. Ideally the ESFJ would have some sense of structure or routine in their home environment and if you can't provide this then at least let your ESFJ create their own (e.g. have their own room to organize as they want, let them create their own morning / before school routine without messing with it or making fun of it for always being the same, etc.). As an ESFJ myself who is very close to my sister-in-law who is an ENFP, I would say that I think the Fe / Fi disconnect probably sticks out the most to me and causes the most feelings of disconnect. I love her passion for new ideas and her sense of adventure and so the vibe is really fun to be around. She's also very caring and warm but then in my head I want her to behave like an ESFJ in sorts but then she doesn't and that's confusing when I'm not actively reminding myself that even though we're very similar in some ways, we're still pretty different. She'll forget sometimes to respond to texts or emails and while I totally get that life is busy, as an ESFJ on the other end, we're kind of just waiting, waiting, waiting and then a week or two later she might remember to write back or might not ever and then months down the line be like "Oh right! I thought up all these things to write you back about and then I guess I never did! Ha!" So that's kind of annoying to me as an ESFJ.

I think as a parent you can help create some structure and routines or at least not belittle the ESFJ making those for himself. Maybe make a date night once a month or something where just you and your ESFJ spend a little time together doing something fun. Positive words of encouragement, lots of hugs, asking how they're doing, being patient when they want to talk about small talk, get to know their friends, show interest in their activities, try to create a harmonious home life as much as possible, remind him that you love him no matter what / unconditionally. Remembering small things is huge! Like ask him how things are going with a friend or how he's feeling about some other aspect of his life you remembered etc.

I do think sometimes as ESFJ kids we can chase the praise or want to make our teacher or parent proud more than we really want to study for ourselves. So I think it would be nice sometimes to just be told / made to feel like we're enough just for who we are and not how much we can please others. Maybe try reinforcing asking what the ESFJ wants for himself too (even though that might be really hard for them to answer....so maybe that's not a good idea... maybe just watch out for it and see if you think he needs some space for himself without maybe realizing it). I don't know... I think it would have been good for me in high school to hit pause for a moment to really figure out what I wanted to study in college and remove pressures from parents or others on what I thought I should do, you know? It's tricky... hard to really know what "you" want to do when you feel like "you" is everyone around you...if that makes sense?

I think it's great that you're asking these questions on here! He's so lucky to have you as a mama!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,551 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
She would speak to me kindly, check in on my feelings, make me my favorite recipes, or find silly ways to make me laugh and make things fun! She'd also write little notes to me in my school lunch box sometimes which I thought was a very sweet gesture. I noticed all the little things she did and took those to heart.



I didn't like when she would make me late to places. She could talk a mile a minute and get herself out of any social situation but it bothered me when I felt she wasn't being "responsible".... and she was the parent! Haha! Or when she said she'd do something and then didn't. I'm a parent now myself so I get how many things a mom juggles but as a teenager it just really bothered me if she said she would do something and then just forgot about it but I remembered. Sometimes she would spend a lot of money and oddly enough that would bother me even if it was on myself. I felt like I was definitely more frugal with money and was wondering if it was responsible as a parent to be spending like that... haha! Obviously, it's her money and my dad's so who am I to be asking that? Just being honest with what I thought as a kid.



I think ESFJ kids just need a lot of love, hugs, gentle voices, and a home environment free of excessive conflict. Ideally the ESFJ would have some sense of structure or routine in their home environment and if you can't provide this then at least let your ESFJ create their own (e.g. have their own room to organize as they want, let them create their own morning / before school routine without messing with it or making fun of it for always being the same, etc.). As an ESFJ myself who is very close to my sister-in-law who is an ENFP, I would say that I think the Fe / Fi disconnect probably sticks out the most to me and causes the most feelings of disconnect. I love her passion for new ideas and her sense of adventure and so the vibe is really fun to be around. She's also very caring and warm but then in my head I want her to behave like an ESFJ in sorts but then she doesn't and that's confusing when I'm not actively reminding myself that even though we're very similar in some ways, we're still pretty different. She'll forget sometimes to respond to texts or emails and while I totally get that life is busy, as an ESFJ on the other end, we're kind of just waiting, waiting, waiting and then a week or two later she might remember to write back or might not ever and then months down the line be like "Oh right! I thought up all these things to write you back about and then I guess I never did! Ha!" So that's kind of annoying to me as an ESFJ.

I think as a parent you can help create some structure and routines or at least not belittle the ESFJ making those for himself. Maybe make a date night once a month or something where just you and your ESFJ spend a little time together doing something fun. Positive words of encouragement, lots of hugs, asking how they're doing, being patient when they want to talk about small talk, get to know their friends, show interest in their activities, try to create a harmonious home life as much as possible, remind him that you love him no matter what / unconditionally. Remembering small things is huge! Like ask him how things are going with a friend or how he's feeling about some other aspect of his life you remembered etc.

I do think sometimes as ESFJ kids we can chase the praise or want to make our teacher or parent proud more than we really want to study for ourselves. So I think it would be nice sometimes to just be told / made to feel like we're enough just for who we are and not how much we can please others. Maybe try reinforcing asking what the ESFJ wants for himself too (even though that might be really hard for them to answer....so maybe that's not a good idea... maybe just watch out for it and see if you think he needs some space for himself without maybe realizing it). I don't know... I think it would have been good for me in high school to hit pause for a moment to really figure out what I wanted to study in college and remove pressures from parents or others on what I thought I should do, you know? It's tricky... hard to really know what "you" want to do when you feel like "you" is everyone around you...if that makes sense?

I think it's great that you're asking these questions on here! He's so lucky to have you as a mama!
Oh, thank you! This is a really great reply! 2 things I've always done: I am always asking him what he wants and sometimes it's too much and hard for him to know. But he's pretty good at saying "I don't have to know yet. I don't have to chose yet." And I thought it would bother him now that I know he is an ESFJ, but then I thought it might be good for him, actually. I think if I ask him and then give him some time alone to think that it helps and he can tell me somewhat better. I'm always asking how he is, always have, and usually he does respond to that okay.

I've always felt like he wants me to be making dinner consistently and doing those kinds of things for him. If I don't and bring home take-out he gets annoyed and looks at me with a bit of disappointment. Understanding that he will actually feel true joy from me doing more home cooking is a good thing to motivate me. He also loves family and friend occasions and I think us inviting people over more is good for him. He is kind of shy around all adults, though. I want to spoil him, and I think I understand the ESFJ type enough to know how to spoil him. Other stuff I might not get as much, we'll see if more questions come up.

He knows following his own routine in the morning is appreciated by me. He does a great job. Also when he comes home from school he does his chores just like he should and tries to get his sister to do so too--- and he's done that since age 6. So very appreciated!

Sometimes I am late. He does tell me this disappoints him and I tell him I'll work on it, which I do. But I always have to work on timeliness.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
393 Posts
I think it's so wonderful you care so much and are truly trying to understand your children. That's so great!

I was just thinking with the take-out thing I don't think it's necessarily because he doesn't want take-out and just wants home cooked meals as much as he wants to know what the "plan" is for the day, you know? Like if you're going to get take-out maybe just telling him in the morning before school so he knows what to expect later. I know that sounds kind of lame.... and sure he can just roll with the changes and learn to be flexible too.... just saying if his mind is busy at school and other activities it's nice to go into "auto-pilot" when you come home and know what your night routine will be so switching it up "last minute" in his mind can be a little annoying but again, don't stress if that's what's best for you that day and meal planning. I think in general ESFJs just enjoy having a heads up whenever possible. It helps them with planning their day. It's not necessary, but much appreciated.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Top