Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 88 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi personalitycafe,

I'm an entj male in a relationship with an intj female for about a year now, and am currently in deep shit.

My gf is an active social media user, especially on twitter, and she had had 2 twitter accounts, both for different purposes, before we got together. She knew that I knew about her social media activities and so when we started this relationship, around the 2nd/3rd month mark, she created another twitter account, which was a protected account, to chat with her internet friends. I once searched for her private account, out of curiosity, but didn't any of her tweets nor snooped around. I only searched for her private account once and have never done it again ever since.

The problem is, that twitter search tab keeps appearing on my google chrome home page. I didn't clear out my browsing history because I'm one of those people who only cleared their browsing history once every forever.

Fast forward 9 months later, I got myself a brand new laptop and all of my browsing history was imported from my old laptop to the new one. I showed my gf my new laptop and she started playing around with it and she opened the google chrome browser and that damned twitter search tab showed up on my home page. My gf asked me why in the blue hell I searched for her private account on twitter. I said i only searched for it once and have never done it again. I told her that I've never snooped around her social media accounts anymore, not even her two other twitter accounts which aren't protected. I told her what i did was stupid and that I'm sorry I've betrayed her trust but I only searched for her private account once and have never done it again. I told her that I don't deserve her forgiveness for this and that she may never trust me anymore, but I told her that this is actually what happened and I have never done such thing again ever since. She did not believe my explanation and has since refused to see me nor talk to me.

It's been two weeks since I last saw and talk to her and for the past two weeks I've been apologizing to her profusely. She didn't respond to any of my message and she also refused to see me, yet she didn't break the relationship off.

I'm now in a bind and couldn't do anything but apologize to her. I miss talking to her yet I don't know what to do anymore. What should i do?

Tldr: I screwed up big time by snooping around my gf's social media and gf has refused to talk nor talk to me ever since. What should i do now.

P.S. This question was originally posted on intjforum, figured I put it here too to gain more perspective

Update:

I recently lost my job and haven't been able to find another one. I was diagnosed with a mild depression a couple months back and am still struggling from it. Top it all with an OCD and there you have it, an anxious, insecure ENTJ at your service.

Thank you to all who have contributed to this thread. I realize that I may have been too exaggerated in my response to this incident as well.

As to why I didn't talk to her about her private account, it's because that since the 6th month of our relationship she often showed me her twitter and tumblr feed (even the private account feeds) without me asking her to. Mind you that she did not disclose ALL of her private account tweets but from what she showed me I didn't notice any promiscous behavior. Thus I didn't mind the existence of that private account and did not tell her that I've once searched for her private account.

As an update, my gf has agreed to see me on Monday and I hope this matter can be brought to a close by then. I'll keep you guys updated
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,692 Posts
ugh. when someone does something that i mistrust, it's no longer a conversation between me and them. what they did is on the books, it's a fact, it says what it says about them and none of that can be changed. i have a new 'version' of the person to deal with, in my own mind. so then it becomes a conversation between me and me. i've learned this about them. now can i or can't i still deal with that? people talking and nattering at me and trying to make it about them again just feel like they're trying to butt in on something they don't belong in.

to tell you the truth i'm not sure if there's anything you can do. seems to me like it's in her court now. she'll either believe you or won't, come to some kind of terms with what happened or won't. you can't do very much about it, i suspect. except try to keep quiet and be receptive if/when she ever does opt to talk to you, as opposed to tryign to tell her the thigns that you want her to hear which seems to be what you've mostly been doing so far.

but i'll suggest one thing. if you have nothing new to tell her, then maybe say that you miss her - once. but stop apologizing at her. she gets it. she probably heard you the first time, and she's probably heard everything there is for you to say about it. if your apology was going to work it would have worked the first time you made it. so my suggestion is: stop. i'm basing that on how pissed off i usually get when people keep telling me the same thing over and over like i was too stupid to hear them the first time around.

I told her that I don't deserve her forgiveness for this and that she may never trust me anymore
okay, this is maybe going to be hard for you to hear. but when somebody tells me something like this and then proceeds to keep pressing and talking at me, then what i conclude is that what they said was just so many words; words they don't seem to believe their own selves. "i don't deserve your forgiveness [but let me keep telling you why i want that forgiveness]" "you may never trust me [but let me keep pushing to be in your life]".

i also dislike it - a lot - when the person who did the wrong thing grabs the microphone and proceeds to instruct me about what my verdict on them is. i'd say it's for her to say whether you deserve it or not, and for her to say what she thinks now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
ugh. when someone does something that i mistrust, it's no longer a conversation between me and them. what they did is on the books, it's a fact, it says what it says about them and none of that can be changed. i have a new 'version' of the person to deal with, in my own mind. so then it becomes a conversation between me and me. i've learned this about them. now can i or can't i still deal with that? people talking and nattering at me and trying to make it about them again just feel like they're trying to butt in on something they don't belong in.

to tell you the truth i'm not sure if there's anything you can do. seems to me like it's in her court now. she'll either believe you or won't, come to some kind of terms with what happened or won't. you can't do very much about it, i suspect. except try to keep quiet and be receptive if/when she ever does opt to talk to you, as opposed to tryign to tell her the thigns that you want her to hear which seems to be what you've mostly been doing so far.

but i'll suggest one thing. if you have nothing new to tell her, then maybe say that you miss her - once. but stop apologizing at her. she gets it. she probably heard you the first time, and she's probably heard everything there is for you to say about it. if your apology was going to work it would have worked the first time you made it. so my suggestion is: stop. i'm basing that on how pissed off i usually get when people keep telling me the same thing over and over like i was too stupid to hear them the first time around.



okay, this is maybe going to be hard for you to hear. but when somebody tells me something like this and then proceeds to keep pressing and talking at me, then what i conclude is that what they said was just so many words; words they don't seem to believe their own selves. "i don't deserve your forgiveness [but let me keep telling you why i want that forgiveness]" "you may never trust me [but let me keep pushing to be in your life]".

i also dislike it - a lot - when the person who did the wrong thing grabs the microphone and proceeds to instruct me about what my verdict on them is. i'd say it's for her to say whether you deserve it or not, and for her to say what she thinks now.
Thank you for your advice. I would want to clarify that although I apologized to her profusely I didn't mean I sent her text everyday saying I'm sorry. I only did it twice for these past few weeks via text and she only read, not respond to any of them.
I understand your point and I thank you for writing a response.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,303 Posts
Clarify something for me, please: did you snoop from one of her devices or your own? If the account is protected and you searched from your own device, how would you have been able to see the details of the account anyway? Am I missing something?

In the meantime, here's some consolatory news from a 2014 survey of 13K+ people conducted by Avast Antivirus: 1 in 5 men and 1 in 4 women snoop through their partner's phones. A 2013 poll by McAfee found that 49 percent of people regularly go through their partner’s emails.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Clarify something for me, please: did you snoop from one of her devices or your own? If the account is protected and you searched from your own device, how would you have been able to see the details of the account anyway? Am I missing something?

In the meantime, here's some consolatory news from a 2014 survey of 13K+ people conducted by Avast Antivirus: 1 in 5 men and 1 in 4 women snoop through their partner's phones. A 2013 poll by McAfee found that 49 percent of people regularly go through their partner’s emails.
I snooped using my laptop, so I can't see any of her tweets nor any details except that little bio thing on the page. But the browsing history was there and when my gf saw my chrome homepage, the thing that popped up was the twitter search icon with her private account name on it
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,303 Posts
I snooped using my laptop, so I can't see any of her tweets nor any details except that little bio thing on the page. But the browsing history was there and when my gf saw my chrome homepage, the thing that popped up was the twitter search icon with her private account name on it
Exactly. So how does this qualify as successful snooping? What about this situation bothers her? That you know her username? That doesn't seem reasonable at all. Maybe that's bothersome, but not disappearance-worthy. I can see a fight emerging from it, but not two weeks of no-contact.

You've apologized a few times. I understand this is rough for you and I sympathize with you for that. But think about this: a one year relationship is penalized through complete withdrawal for curious unsuccessful snooping about an account used to chat with internet friends? I am really questioning her priorities.

Is there something I am not seeing?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Exactly. So how does this qualify as successful snooping? What about this situation bothers her? That you know her username? That doesn't seem reasonable at all. Maybe that's bothersome, but not disappearance-worthy. I can see a fight emerging from it, but not two weeks of no-contact.

You've apologized a few times. I understand this is rough for you and I sympathize with you for that. But think about this: a one year relationship is penalized through complete withdrawal for curious unsuccessful snooping about an account used to chat with internet friends? I am really questioning her priorities.

Is there something I am not seeing?
I see your point. I think that she sees it as an invasion of privacy, me snooping around her private account. I don't know what she converses with her internet friends about and I've never asked either. I do recall that she said her internet friends are very important to her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,303 Posts
I do recall that she said her internet friends are very important to her.
Then that's probably where her allegiance lies.

I have a couple of close internet friends, I talk frequently with them and I spill my guts to them. So I get where she's coming from. There are things I've told them in the past that I wouldn't want a future SO to know, but my primary allegiance is to real life. And I'm disappointed that she doesn't see it that way. When in doubt, I've prioritized past SOs over an online friend ...without needing to be asked to do so. I hope that her perspective will change one day.

I also hope she chooses to trust you, because it seems like that's what you're hoping for. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
Then that's probably where her allegiance lies.

I have a couple of close internet friends, I talk frequently with them and I spill my guts to them. So I get where she's coming from. There are things I've told them in the past that I wouldn't want a future SO to know, but my primary allegiance is to real life. And I'm disappointed that she doesn't see it that way. When in doubt, I've prioritized past SOs over an online friend ...without needing to be asked to do so. I hope that her perspective will change one day.

I also hope she chooses to trust you, because it seems like that's what you're hoping for. Good luck!
Thank you for your kind words.

I'm at odds right now because I've never told her to stop talking with her internet friends. I told her that I'm happy that she's happy she has friends over the internet. I just didn't expect her to be this mad
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
442 Posts
I don't get how the heck you managed to find (an supposedly INTJ's) private account in the first place? :confused: Hell, you wouldn't even be able to find my public account, if I didn't want you to. :ninja: If I wanted to have a separate, dedicated private account, good luck finding that one .... If anything, I'd be amused by your (failed) attempts to find it and would maybe even find it cute. And if you found it, I'd ask you how the f*** you managed to do so, instead of not talking to you anymore.

If, on the other hand, the so called private account wasn't that private in the first place, why such a strong reaction?

I really don't get it, unless the finding of the account itself implies more snooping around than you told us.

Anyway. She obviously doen't trust you (anymore). Not a good foundation for a relationship in my book. I also don't get her reaction for the same reasons given by others and my reasons given above. I also agree with apologizing just once - I will get it the first time.

tl/tr: I cannot relate.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
I don't get how the heck you managed to find (an supposedly INTJ's) private account in the first place? :confused: Hell, you wouldn't even be able to find my public account, if I didn't want you to. :ninja: If I wanted to have a separate, dedicated private account, good luck finding that one .... If anything, I'd be amused by your (failed) attempts to find it and would maybe even find it cute. And if you found it, I'd ask you how the f*** you managed to do so, instead of not talking to you anymore.

If, on the other hand, the so called private account wasn't that private in the first place, why such a strong reaction?

I really don't get it, unless the finding of the account itself implies more snooping around than you told us.

Anyway. She obviously doen't trust you (anymore). Not a good foundation for a relationship in my book. I also don't get her reaction for the same reasons given by others and my reasons given above. I also agree with apologizing just once - I will get it the first time.

tl/tr: I cannot relate.
It's easy to search for her private account because she wrote in her private account bio that it's a private account of the other public twitter account which she had. A small search on twitter would result in her private account showing up in the result

I'm baffled as well, I didn't expect her to be this mad. We were protective of each other's social media at first and by the 5th and 6th month she often showed me her twitter and tumblr feed (even the private account feeds) without me asking her to. That's why I'm really confused by this reaction
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
83 Posts
I'm a female INTJ in a relationship with a male ENTJ for almost a year now. So I understand the INTJ ENTJ dynamic pretty well. From what you have been saying she doesn't really fit the whole INTJ profile of mistrust. Normally we don't run away from our problems, we may need to step back for a few hours, but we come back to work things out. Or after our thinking, just end it. What you did wasn't bad, you looked up her account, which isn't a big deal. She sounds more like a INFP in the way she was freaking out over this small act of curiosity. You also did it in the early months of the relationship, she should cut you some slack and get over that her boyfriend was just curious.

You can't really do much if she won't talk to you. But from a INTJ female standpoint, you didn't do anything worth how she is treating you. If you think she is worth coming back to after this major over exaggeration, you are a forgiving man. It was her fault for not communicating her friendships or her reasons for having the second account, which of course would cause anyone to just make sure things were okay.

You aren't in the wrong. She may not be a INTJ. Don't beat yourself up about anything, it was all caused by her secrecy and over exaggeration.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
481 Posts
She knew that I knew about her social media activities and so when we started this relationship, around the 2nd/3rd month mark, she created another twitter account, which was a protected account, to chat with her internet friends.

It's been two weeks since I last saw and talk to her and for the past two weeks I've been apologizing to her profusely. She didn't respond to any of my message and she also refused to see me, yet she didn't break the relationship off.

I'm now in a bind and couldn't do anything but apologize to her. I miss talking to her yet I don't know what to do anymore. What should i do?

Tldr: I screwed up big time by snooping around my gf's social media and gf has refused to talk nor talk to me ever since. What should i do now.

P.S. This question was originally posted on intjforum, figured I put it here too to gain more perspective
Who creates a private protected twitter account to chat with their friends? you sure you aren't dating a cam model? No extra money coming out of the blue? ;)

I think you should be more mindful of the balance of power in a relationship. I don't think I would have apologized profusely nor said you don't deserve her forgiveness, your gf is hiding stuff and you got curious *shrug* as an INTJ how would this really even surprise me? I mean maybe if you managed to get my phone and recover the password and login at that point I may be upset....no im lying i'd probably commend you on pulling that off without me noticing but i can see how someone else could be upset about it.

What makes you say she didn't break the relationship off? Is there something hinting that you are still together like...say...facebook status?

If it were me i'd move on, she sounds like an unreasonable pain in the ass.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
442 Posts
It's easy to search for her private account because she wrote in her private account bio that it's a private account of the other public twitter account which she had. A small search on twitter would result in her private account showing up in the result
That sounds rather stupid to me tbh. I don't do twitter, but I guess I have another idea of what a private account is supposed to be then.

Anyway, now I still don't get her reaction unless there were trust issues already. I don't think that what you did was such a bad thing and I don't think it warrents such a strong reaction/silent treatment. You basically just "googled" public information - you didn't try to hack her account or sth ...

So imo you did all you could and it's up to her now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
I'm a female INTJ in a relationship with a male ENTJ for almost a year now. So I understand the INTJ ENTJ dynamic pretty well. From what you have been saying she doesn't really fit the whole INTJ profile of mistrust. Normally we don't run away from our problems, we may need to step back for a few hours, but we come back to work things out. Or after our thinking, just end it. What you did wasn't bad, you looked up her account, which isn't a big deal. She sounds more like a INFP in the way she was freaking out over this small act of curiosity. You also did it in the early months of the relationship, she should cut you some slack and get over that her boyfriend was just curious.

You can't really do much if she won't talk to you. But from a INTJ female standpoint, you didn't do anything worth how she is treating you. If you think she is worth coming back to after this major over exaggeration, you are a forgiving man. It was her fault for not communicating her friendships or her reasons for having the second account, which of course would cause anyone to just make sure things were okay.

You aren't in the wrong. She may not be a INTJ. Don't beat yourself up about anything, it was all caused by her secrecy and over exaggeration.
Thank you for your response and kind words.

She identified herself as an INTJ. I've never asked her to take the MBTI test so I took her words for it.

I've never asked her the motive of creating a private twitter account nor what she and her internet friends talk about. I've never prohibited nor tried to limit her online activities. In fact I told her that I'm happy that she's happy she can find people who shares her interests from all around the world.

I just never expected this response from her. She suddenly shut down everything and even refused to talk nor see me. I'm very confused

Who creates a private protected twitter account to chat with their friends? you sure you aren't dating a cam model? No extra money coming out of the blue? ;)

I think you should be more mindful of the balance of power in a relationship. I don't think I would have apologized profusely nor said you don't deserve her forgiveness, your gf is hiding stuff and you got curious *shrug* as an INTJ how would this really even surprise me? I mean maybe if you managed to get my phone and recover the password and login at that point I may be upset....no im lying i'd probably commend you on pulling that off without me noticing but i can see how someone else could be upset about it.

What makes you say she didn't break the relationship off? Is there something hinting that you are still together like...say...facebook status?

If it were me i'd move on, she sounds like an unreasonable pain in the ass.
If there were any, I would have taken that money, managed it myself and just share a percentage of the profits with her.

Jokes aside she didn't explicitly say that we're over. Maybe it's just me expecting her to say explicitly that we're over, to have some kind of closure, not stuck in this limbo
 

·
Registered
INTJ 5w4
Joined
·
6,471 Posts
Who creates a private protected twitter account to chat with their friends? you sure you aren't dating a cam model? No extra money coming out of the blue? ;)

I think you should be more mindful of the balance of power in a relationship. I don't think I would have apologized profusely nor said you don't deserve her forgiveness, your gf is hiding stuff and you got curious *shrug* as an INTJ how would this really even surprise me? I mean maybe if you managed to get my phone and recover the password and login at that point I may be upset....no im lying i'd probably commend you on pulling that off without me noticing but i can see how someone else could be upset about it.

What makes you say she didn't break the relationship off? Is there something hinting that you are still together like...say...facebook status?

If it were me i'd move on, she sounds like an unreasonable pain in the ass.

Unless she is hyper-private, or there's stuff in her life (say, family issues growing up) that she discusses there which she's not ready to share yet (I don't know the status or depth of your relationship)...or unless she has intense feelings about "control issues," then it seems to this INTJ that she is vastly overreacting to the situation. She could see from the browser history that there was only the single instance; that even that one time did not go into the sanctum sanctorum; and you didn't search for, or find, any nuggets that you held over her head.

Or it is intrinsically possible that she is texting with a past boyfriend or current fling.

I think you've compounded the problem by apologizing too much, destroying her respect for you. Women do not like a man they can cow effortlessly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
That sounds rather stupid to me tbh. I don't do twitter, but I guess I have another idea of what a private account is supposed to be then.

Anyway, now I still don't get her reaction unless there were trust issues already. I don't think that what you did was such a bad thing and I don't think it warrents such a strong reaction/silent treatment. You basically just "googled" public information - you didn't try to hack her account or sth ...

So imo you did all you could and it's up to her now.
Thank you for your time in writing all those responses. I will wait how this plays out

Unless she is hyper-private, or there's stuff in her life (say, family issues growing up) that she discusses there which she's not ready to share yet (I don't know the status or depth of your relationship)...or unless she has intense feelings about "control issues," then it seems to this INTJ that she is vastly overreacting to the situation. She could see from the browser history that there was only the single instance; that even that one time did not go into the sanctum sanctorum; and you didn't search for, or find, any nuggets that you held over her head.

Or it is intrinsically possible that she is texting with a past boyfriend or current fling.

I think you've compounded the problem by apologizing too much, destroying her respect for you. Women do not like a man they can cow effortlessly.
She's quite reserved at first but she's open up to me ever since.

I may have apologized too much, but that's only because she didn't even reply to any of the messages that I sent to her. She only read them and ignored them. I thought I didn't apologize properly to her the first time, so I apologized to her again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
325 Posts
I don't get how the heck you managed to find (an supposedly INTJ's) private account in the first place?
He's an ENTJ. They have ways.

Her behavior doesn't make any rational sense given the current information unless we assume she knows that something about the Twitter account is inappropriate. Most innocent possible explanation is that she uses it to vent about you and the relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
He's an ENTJ. They have ways.

Her behavior doesn't make any rational sense given the current information unless we assume she knows that something about the Twitter account is inappropriate. Most innocent possible explanation is that she uses it to vent about you and the relationship.
That's what I'd like to believe
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,970 Posts
I see your point. I think that she sees it as an invasion of privacy, me snooping around her private account. I don't know what she converses with her internet friends about and I've never asked either. I do recall that she said her internet friends are very important to her.
What do you think she's writing on it? Surely it can't just be to "talk" to friends unless it's something she feels the need to hide?

Do you think she's angry because you went behind her back and searched or do you think she's maybe worried you've seen something she didn't want you to see? Could be both. I ask because my boyfriend once searched my ipad and I was more upset that he had read my history (I googled some mental health questions) before I was ready for him to know, rather than angry that he had looked at my ipad without permission.
 
1 - 20 of 88 Posts
Top