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Discussion Starter #1
What is wrong with people....

People are still trying to bring me down. Whether I do/say something positive about myself or use the defense mechanism and say negative things about myself, it is always the same result. Mean.

I would be SO happy if it weren't for these people I am surrounded by everyday that hurt me for no absolute reason.

Just today, I posted a facebook note stating my hopes and dreams. Within seconds of posting it someone who I thought was a friend had to comment a negative thing which led me to delete it before many probably even read it. It's just sad.

What can I do to overcome this. Is it me? If not, what can I tell these people?

:sad:
 

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What is wrong with people....

People are still trying to bring me down. Whether I do/say something positive about myself or use the defense mechanism and say negative things about myself, it is always the same result. Mean.

I would be SO happy if it weren't for these people I am surrounded by everyday that hurt me for no absolute reason.

Just today, I posted a facebook note stating my hopes and dreams. Within seconds of posting it someone who I thought was a friend had to comment a negative thing which led me to delete it before many probably even read it. It's just sad.

What can I do to overcome this. Is it me? If not, what can I tell these people?

:sad:
You seriously need to get those people out of your life if they refuse to stop. Tell them straight up that they are mean to you and you don't like it, if they continue or get offended then it isn't worth your time dealing with them. If they didn't recognize it and then make steps to correct course, then remain friends.

You can't let other people bring you down or you wind up being miserable and nasty like they are. If they are just friends, then you are not obligated to remain friends with them. If they are coworkers or something, ignore them for being assholes and get along as best you can.

There is just no good reason to let other people abuse your emotions, especially not people who should be your supportive friends.
 

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I can't know your situation for sure because I don't know what was said or what it is that upsets you about that, but I was recently involved with a girl INFP who I had a lot of communication problems with. She would ask for my advice and being an ENTJ I would give her the most direct, effective advice that I possibly could in hopes that it would help her. She usually took it as me being negative, cold, or abrasive and would react irrationally toward it. I'm still trying to be her friend, but it's not working out as well as I would have hoped.

The only thing I know to tell you is that the people who are saying these things may be trying to look at things from a rational stand point and tell you something they view as realistic. The fact that you deleted a message before anyone else could read it leads me to believe you simply can't handle criticism and take it as a personal attack, rather than accepting that they may have simply been trying to help.
 

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I can understand what you're feeling. I don't know if it helps, but I think you have to realize a lot of of time it is just the other person (and they might not even know they're making you feel this way/trying to hurt you). I can take stuff personally a lot, but I have to tell myself that even though it might feel like a personal attack on me, it's usually really not. If people are really criticizing me a lot where I feel like they're causing me a lot of distress (and doing it on purpose), I would cut that person out of my life.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
You can't let other people bring you down or you wind up being miserable and nasty like they are.

There is just no good reason to let other people abuse your emotions, especially not people who should be your supportive friends.
The thing that hurts the most is that it's not certain people from certain groups of friends, it feels like everyone. Therefore I sometimes cut everyone out of my life all together.

Samurai Blur said:
The only thing I know to tell you is that the people who are saying these things may be trying to look at things from a rational stand point and tell you something they view as realistic. The fact that you deleted a message before anyone else could read it leads me to believe you simply can't handle criticism and take it as a personal attack, rather than accepting that they may have simply been trying to help.
And you are probably right, I am sensitive and do not take criticism well. I just don't know what I can see it as constructive or realistic. My mind just isn't working that way.

crazystargrl said:
I can take stuff personally a lot, but I have to tell myself that even though it might feel like a personal attack on me, it's usually really not.
But how do you convince yourself it's not a personal attack. I sit there and ponder about what was said to me for hours when it can be something small.
 

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People who purposely put down others' dreams are the ones who need help, not you. They're probably very insecure and unfulfilled themselves, and think that everyone who doesn't think the same way they do is wrong. I personally pity people that narrow-minded.
 

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But how do you convince yourself it's not a personal attack. I sit there and ponder about what was said to me for hours when it can be something small.
I do the same thing sometimes. I don't really know how you can convince yourself it's not a personal attack or how to really stop thinking about it. I think you just have to remind yourself that even if it is a personal attack, it's that person's problem and not yours. I also think that when you get criticism, you become stronger as a person because of it and you can remind yourself that. It can also help to tell yourself there are people out there that do accept you and your values, even if you don't see or feel it at the time.
 

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if someone only has negative things to say then their opinion is worthless as they are biased only seeing the bad.
i've had problems like this before, luckly my friends are good people and they understand and respect that i can't take crtiicism well."normal"people insult each other as a joke all the time i don't understand why they do this, perhaps they like it. If someone said something intentionally negativend degrading about my dreams i'd be consdiering brekaing off tha friendship. if you can't be real and honest around someone what's the point. on the other hand 90% of the tiemthey mean no offense, still theyshould be more sensitive
 

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Most people mean well when they offer criticism. It's important to remember their motive is good. I understand the sensitivity though. I don't think people understand how INFPs work, and so they often end up doing the exact opposite of what would be effective with the INFP mindset.

Unfortunately, many people are very poor at criticizing constructively. They hide behind excuses of being truthful and trying to give a reality check. They insist it is not personal, despite it having everything to do with your person (what else do your dreams, ideas, & work reflect, if not your person?).

Often, all these people do is tear down, without any effort to build up. Constructive criticism does not merely point out flaws, and it does not do so in a manner/context that humiliates the other person (ie. a public setting). Criticizing someone's dream on facebook is inappropriate. It's essentially a public mocking, which is not constructive in anyway. Criticism which only points out the negative, fails to offer an alternative solution, and fails to commend in anyway (as there is always something to commend, even if it's just enthusiasm or something), is not constructive. Effective criticism also does not make assumptions; it involves asking questions, to get the full picture, to understand where the person is coming from before making judgment.

Criticism which is done in a blunt, harsh manner only puts someone on the defensive, meaning the criticism falls on deaf ears, as the person will focus on the emotional effect. INFPs in particular will be suspicious of the motive of a person giving criticism in a harsh way, as we're often inclined to focus on underlying implications of words instead of just their literal meaning. If a person has a positive motive, then why are they not communicating in a positive manner? That makes sense to me, and I imagine other INFPs might feel the same.

Basically, you might need to school people on how to deal with you. You might tell them you appreciate their interest in your affairs, but that if they have no positive suggestions or feedback, then they can keep it to themselves.

Another suggestion is not to put yourself down, looking for others to contradict you. All you're doing is feeding their negative view. If you express more confidence in yourself, then others may become more confident in your abilities. More importantly, you need more positive inner dialog, because this will combat external negative comments. Every little comment won't trip you up so much because you'll depend less on external views for your sense of self worth.

Anyway, hope that helps. :happy:


:tongue:
 

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Criticism which is done in a blunt, harsh manner only puts someone on the defensive, meaning the criticism falls on deaf ears, as the person will focus on the emotional effect. INFPs in particular will be suspicious of the motive of a person giving criticism in a harsh way, as we're often inclined to focus on underlying implications of words instead of just their literal meaning. If a person has a positive motive, then why are they not communicating in a positive manner? That makes sense to me, and I imagine other INFPs might feel the same.
Exactly. In fact, there often is so much communicated that is under the surface. People don't even realize how much of their subconscious and hidden opinions come out in how they say things and in what they choose to say. They might claim that their criticisms are just meant to be 'helpful', but you might notice that they don't talk that way to their dearest and best friends. I can tell who really likes me, who is indifferent towards me, who feels uncomfortable around me, etc. It is all very transparent. So if an INFP feels attacked I would say they probably are being attacked for one reason or another...We might have a good imagination, but we aren't delusional.
 

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I can relate to your situation. My mom does this to me a lot. It's not technically a criticism but she'll give advice as if what I'm saying is wrong. I will say that I like something. Then she'll give me advice about what I should like instead. That kind of thing. It makes me feel like everything I do is wrong. And yeah, it hurts.

I think what helps me deal with it is to see that we are different people with different approaches at life. We have different values, different thoughts and feelings. If you can separate yourself from that person and say "that person is not me and does not understand me" and then sit with it and know in your heart that this is ok, and that you are still right in believing what you believe, it will make it feel better. It's really easy to put yourself in other people's shoes, especially when they are criticizing you, and see yourself as a bad person - from their point of view. But remember that your point of view counts too, and who better than to judge what is important to you, than you? You are the one you will be living with for the rest of your life, not that critical person. I don't know if that makes sense, but I hope so.
 

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I can relate to your situation. My mom does this to me a lot. It's not technically a criticism but she'll give advice as if what I'm saying is wrong. I will say that I like something. Then she'll give me advice about what I should like instead. That kind of thing. It makes me feel like everything I do is wrong. And yeah, it hurts.
My mom, and some other people have done this to me as well, I don't think they realise how much it hurts, but it sure does! That kind of think can eat away at you, but it's so hard to know how to confront them about it, and when they don't see it as being mean it's hard for them to stop doing it. :sad:

If you can separate yourself from that person and say "that person is not me and does not understand me" and then sit with it and know in your heart that this is ok, and that you are still right in believing what you believe, it will make it feel better.... But remember that your point of view counts too, and who better than to judge what is important to you, than you?
Exactly!

Tell them straight up that they are mean to you and you don't like it, if they continue or get offended then it isn't worth your time dealing with them. There is just no good reason to let other people abuse your emotions, especially not people who should be your supportive friends.
Yes! I don't understand how people can be so negative toward people that they supposedly like. Friends are supposed to be supportive! And don't let them right off your feelings with the lame excuse that you are just "too sensitive" or "overreacting" because (rightbackatcha!) they're being "too insensitive" and "uncaring" and that's the truth.

The thing that hurts the most is that it's not certain people from certain groups of friends, it feels like everyone.
I'm not surprised - it's so sad. I've certainly experienced my share of the "lets attack the INFP fest" It gets really old, and sometimes I have to wonder if they honnestly think I haven't heard all these things before - all their "you need to be grounded" talks - blah blah blah, yeah well they need to get their feet off the ground a little. :tongue: I get really sick of Dreamkillers like that. I realise that I just don't understand their value of the traditional and 'practical', but it feels like they are always on the war path ready to batt down anyone who shows a hint of innovation or idealism. I think they honnestly don't realise that we are quite aware of how hard it will be to reach those dreams, so much that we probably already feel a bit overwhelmed by them even before they come in and tell us they are impractical and impossible. What we need is help to at least aspire to them. Is that such a bad thing? NO. Some people just seem to have a "practicality" religion they always have to preach. They see the 'practical' (which is often used in place of pessimistic) side of things so vividly that it becomes like some kind of grand driving cause for them, they march under it's banner and trumpet it's worth endlessly. I suppose you could say we do the same thing with our ideals....only we tend to be outnumbered, and beat down early in life. Makes me really wonder at people who react to such things as if they are a threat or something when obviously we are the smaller army to begin with.

As someone mentioned, they may actually think they are helping by pointing out what they see as problems, but more often I think it's just some kind of ingrained auto-responce. Sarcasm and put-downs are such a big part of our culture, not to mention that I think certain types just have a natural 'countering' responce to anything they encounter. I had a friend like that. If you stated something, she would immediately take up the opposide side of whatever it was as though she was defending an underdog. Then you'd say "oh yes, actually you are right" and then she'd start defending the position she had just been attacking. It was kind of comical really, when it wasn't just plain hurtfull and confusing.....Honnestly it felt like she was allergic to agreeing with anyone. But upon long talks and reflection, I think that's just part of some people's nature. In some situations they can be a good ballancing force, but a lot of times they just apply it everywhere where it's totally irrelevant, or harmfull.

And you are probably right, I am sensitive and do not take criticism well. I just don't know what I can see it as constructive or realistic. My mind just isn't working that way.
*hugs* You know I really don't believe that not being 'sensitive' is necessarily a desireable attribute. It certainly is one you hear lauded all the time in our culture - or rather you constantly hear that people ought not be sensitive and shouldn't take anything personally, but frankly I think it's just an excuse for people who don't want to bother with being considerate. Most of the time it really is personal. They're just not being nice and then using brainwashing tactics to makeyou feel guilty because they were mean to you. It is good to be able to look at another view of yourself, and to take advice and observations from others and consider it. But, as OrangeAppled said, constructive criticism is not what they are giving, essentially it's just an insult or attack and that is personal, and not something that one should be expected to just ignore or put up with. In most cases it's the same as saying "you don't take a punch in the nose well" well duh!

."normal"people insult each other as a joke all the time i don't understand why they do this, perhaps they like it.
That's something I really don't get. I can't truely believe that it doesn't affect people negatively over time. I mean, it's pretty easy to see that a lot of people have self-esteem issues. You hear about it all the time. So why do we perpetuate this with insults that are veiled as "jokes"? I doubt that everyone who laughs these things off around others doesn't go home and brood or mope over them sometimes after.

I understand the sensitivity though. I don't think people understand how INFPs work, and so they often end up doing the exact opposite of what would be effective with the INFP mindset.
quite. that does seem to happpen a lot.

Unfortunately, many people are very poor at criticizing constructively. They hide behind excuses of being truthful and trying to give a reality check. They insist it is not personal, despite it having everything to do with your person (what else do your dreams, ideas, & work reflect, if not your person?).

INFPs in particular will be suspicious of the motive of a person giving criticism in a harsh way, as we're often inclined to focus on underlying implications of words instead of just their literal meaning. If a person has a positive motive, then why are they not communicating in a positive manner? That makes sense to me, and I imagine other INFPs might feel the same.
Excellent points! This is what many people do seem to somehow not realise.

Exactly. In fact, there often is so much communicated that is under the surface. People don't even realize how much of their subconscious and hidden opinions come out in how they say things and in what they choose to say. . . . So if an INFP feels attacked I would say they probably are being attacked for one reason or another...We might have a good imagination, but we aren't delusional.
Thank you! Thank you! I do get tired of being written off as being delusional just because I have a better sense of other's tone of voice and the concept of Tact.
 
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