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I am really confused. A little less than 2 weeks ago a friend of mine was talking to his best friend about me, and I guess out of curiosity he decided to shoot me an add on Facebook. We got to talking, he got my number and all was good. We share the same taste in music, life goals, he's kind hearted, family oriented and everything that I could ever want in a man. He told me about the anxiety he's had since January and how only his family, ex and best friend know about it. I had no problem with this. In fact, I wanted to help him. I cared about him.

A few days went by and he wanted to see me. I had plans with his best friend that day, but we all met up anyway and his best friend kindly third wheeled it just so he and I could spend time together without it being awkward. Everything went well and the conversations were smooth. The next day he confessed his liking for me and told me how refreshing it was to meet someone so nice. "I haven't felt like this in such a long time." His words. He told me about his ex that exact day and how he still cares, but wants to forget about the pain she caused him and move on. I was a little thrown off by this, but told him that I would help bring some light into his life and be to him what his ex wasn't. Note that his ex is the reason why he has terrible anxiety and trust issues. He doubted my intentions a lot because everyone that ever came into his life treated him poorly (understandale), and even tried pushing me away a couple of times because he thought I was too good for him. I didn't leave. I promised him I wouldn't.

2 days ago his ex texted him and said she wanted to talk because she felt like there was a misunderstanding. I wasn't okay with this, but told him to meet up with her anyway. A few hours go by and he texts me freaking out because his ex yelled at him for dropping out of university and ruining his whole life. He had an anxiety attack and asked if I could come over to talk because he was so distraught. Of course I got dressed right away and took the bus. He met up with me by a skytrain and we walked back to his house holding hands. I'm not going to lie, the whole night was beautiful. We cuddled on his bed, watched a movie, made out, got touchy/feely and even talked about the future of our relationship. Everything seemed so... right.
But here's where it gets confusing. The next day my text messages weren't getting through to him so we didn't talk the whole day. Then at around 1 in the morning I remembered that we have each other on Facebook so I sent him a message to see if he was doing okay. He wrote back and said, "We should stop whatever this is. I am in no state to be seeing someone right now, I need to work on myself and see my therapist. He is going to help me. I like you and still want to talk, but the lovey dovey things have to stop."

Wait, what? You invite me over for cuddles, ensure that I'm the sweetest and most beautiful soul you have ever met, get me to blow you and practically make love to you while still keeping my virginity, then tell me the next day that you cant attempt a relationship? Why couldn't you tell me this before I came over and did all that? Why couldn't you tell me this before I got myself emotionally involved? Why did you do this to me?

I. Just. Don't. Understand.
 

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You mentioned he had issues with people getting close to him. That's probably the cause. I bet if he kept at it, he might've started to act bi-polar and overly sensitive around you. I would give understanding time.
 

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Hi FirstQueen, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. In my opinion, it seems like this guy wasn't in the right state of mind to enter into any kind of serious relationship. You seem to be a wonderful, caring person. If you see yourself wanting to be in a relationship with him, I would just say that you need to be patient and be there for him as a friend (but don't let it go any further than that until he is more emotionally stable). On the other hand, if you feel like he has hurt you to the point where you can't be around him, perhaps some time away from one another would do both of you some good. Keep in mind that this is just one person's opinion, and I'm by no means an expert on relationships. I hope everything works out for the best :happy:
 

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Hi FirstQueen, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. In my opinion, it seems like this guy wasn't in the right state of mind to enter into any kind of serious relationship. You seem to be a wonderful, caring person. If you see yourself wanting to be in a relationship with him, I would just say that you need to be patient and be there for him as a friend (but don't let it go any further than that until he is more emotionally stable). On the other hand, if you feel like he has hurt you to the point where you can't be around him, perhaps some time away from one another would do both of you some good. Keep in mind that this is just one person's opinion, and I'm by no means an expert on relationships. I hope everything works out for the best :happy:
I just wanted to be there and let things gradually bloom. Of course in the end I wanted a relationship, but I told him from the get go that I wanted to start off as someone he could latch onto because that's what he needed. I forgot to mention this, but he straight up told me to stay out of his life. I agreed because the way I see it, I don't need anyone in my life that doesn't want to be there. It just hurts though because he seems very unappreciative. Why does he need a therapist when he has me right here?
 

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If someone is routinely punished for their behavior, they will stop it, guaranteed. If this guy was hurt so bad from relationships, it's natural to expect he will stop pursuing. I don't think anyone can guarantee anything in a relationship, even if you have the best intentions because, life is so unpredictable (not saying that you will hurt him intentionally, but he may be more volatile than you think). Like previous poster said, give him some space, perhaps he will figure things out quicker than you think.
 

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I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you.

My initial thoughts are that he could be withdrawing for any number of reasons or a combination of them, I'll just think aloud:
- Fears you're too good for him - he already pushed you away a bit before, as you said.
- Was just really put down by his ex and has had the necessary self-esteem to pursue a relationship broken. Ex proximity/letting go issues still?
--- That doesn't explain the last night of intimacy and other things though. All I can think of is he was enjoying the relaxation with you and but felt the full force of his emotional trainwreck the next day. The lack of immediate proximity to you may have ended his immediate feelings of security without which he lacks the wherewithal to continue your relationship.
- Is simply scared of hurting you considering he appears aware of his issues, in which case he probably made a wise decision

But I've no idea why he was leading you on and only cut it off the next day, so I'm not very helpful. Presumably the lack of text contact is him making whatever difficult emotional decisions he felt he needed to make, but I'm not sure. Again, I'm sorry this has happened to you. All I can conclude is he was not ready for various reasons to pursue a relationship but perhaps didn't realise it fully until after you'd spent some quality time together and it hit him. After all, him outright telling you to stay out of his life is a pretty big red flag.

Giving him space is a good idea, though. You have little choice, really, although in my opinion his cutting it off is the permanent end of it. That's what it was evidently intended as.
 

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How long did it take for you two to get into the physical realm? You need not tell, this is for your own reflection.

In my painful experience, if I cannot read someone (which is so rare enough!) and that person also is a romantic interest they always are hiding something - either out of fear or worse being insincere.
So I very much understand where you are coming from, it would be on my mind constantly.

I may be wrong but in this case he may have been using you for comfort. If someone comes on idealizing you ("you're soo much better than everyone else") it never is a good sign.
The reason for him to completely cut contact with you now may have been him finally realizing he was indeed only using you for comfort. In that case it was very mature of him to do what he did and you should be thankful for that. Worse has happened when one side of a "relationship" has an agenda that is not honest love, care and interest for the other!

Whether to stay friends with them, I do not know. If you can take the thought of possibly never being physically close to them anymore (i.e. be 100% platonic) it could work. Otherwise you might expose yourself to a steady source of grief.

I reread your posting again and it is very obvious you are hurting badly because you have become emotionally invested into that guy who I still think was basically only after receiving comfort/consolation. It all practically reads 1:1 the way I feel about an ecounter I've recently had. That line you wrote "He doubted my intentions a lot because everyone that ever came into his life treated him poorly (understandale), and even tried pushing me away a couple of times because he thought I was too good for him." pretty much blew me out of the water now because it is SO close to what I have been told by romantic interests before. Sadly, each and everyone of these possible partners who told me similar also never fully "let me in". Like you are saying I could never read them, and things always went south.
Again, I strongly feel if someone is idealizing you -that- much they are hurting very badly due to something, very occupied with their own lives due to that, and that (unforunately) makes them very tricky for a relatiobnship. The line between sharing a mutual attraction/beginning love for each other and one side only (consciously or subconsciously) striving to be consoled/"saved" really is blurred, leaving the one with truthful emotional investment behind most often.

Then I also feel there is also the concept of "sex = comfort" to more people than I am willing to acknowledge. To me (and possibly due to being an INFP?) it is a completely alien, almost hurtful concept but some may perceive it as a fair game - well, perhaps if both parties fully agree on what their sexual encounter encompasses (emotionally) and what not. Still, I'd bail immediately.

In any case, I wish you well, and do make sure you take good care of yourself in this time!
I'm sorry you have go to through all of these emotions but believe me you WILL heal and you will come out stronger after.
 

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I feel like that guy right now...

I was dumped about 10 days ago by the one I was so sure was gonna be the love of my life (I made many mistakes too... but didn't expect it at all) and right now I definitely don't see me ever trusting any other person...

But at the same time, you appearing there and liking him and being liked by him... gives me hope. Yeah, it'd also ask her to be there for me and probably would take a while for me to really open to her... as good as she was.
After reading this I feel much better, I feel I might find someone... else... there are other people... I don't know... : /
 

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I'm sry for what happened to you. Gettin into a relationship with someone your trying to "save" usually doesn't end well, trust me :/
 
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Hey @FirstQueen, I'm really sorry that you're having to deal this, rejection is never pleasant, especially when you're willing to invest so much. The two best explanations that I could put forward (having done both of these myself) are:

i) The unpleasant one - he's feeling hurt and is using you for comfort, or he's lashing out at someone and that someone is you. If this is the case, it seems extremely manipulative on his part. The lashing out bit doesn't seem so plausible given that the nature of his relationship with his ex.

ii) He's hot-cold cycling between the desire for intimacy and the desire for self-preservation/isolation. From my own experience, I can tell you that it can be really disorientating when you flip from intense intimacy to wanting to push away and put up walls. In the moment, when you're physically together, the desire for intimacy totally overrides the desire for isolation, and it's really easy just to get lost in the moment, like you're suspended in time and separated from the world. On physical separation, the self-preservation instinct kicks in rudely and all the doubts come flooding back, hence the coldness, distance and isolation.


To me, it really sounds like the latter case. I know you have really good intentions, but the way you've presented it does sound like you were a bit intense - for someone with trust issues, if you're approached by someone basically offering themselves on a plate, it's difficult not to be suspicious. What are their motives? Is this a trap? Will I get caught out again? Obviously, you're enticing enough to the point where he's willing to risk letting you in for a little while, but he's still fundamentally scared of intimacy.

As for advice, it's a really tough one to balance. I think you should respect his wishes for space. If you crowd him, he'll only retreat further. I think you need to do what you can to nurture and develop trust between you too - keep caring for him, keep supporting him. Ultimately, I think he needs to find his way to you unfortunately. It's one of those things that is really complex and can't be forced. However, you can help him along his way.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat further. Again, I'm sorry you're caught up in this especially since it's so complex.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
@ATLeow @cybershaman @Distill
You are all so very sweet, I appreciate your replies more than you know.

It's been 2 days since he has cut me off. I haven't heard from him since. I'm going to be perfectly fine if he chooses never to talk to me again. What punctures my heart though is how much I gave and how little I received. I feel like I was completely taken for granted. There are people out there who can brush these things off quickly, but it's hard for me. It's just really, really upsetting how wrong you can be about a person. I would never in a million years do anything like this to another person so I just don't understand why it happened to me.

Oh well. It happens, right? Still smiling though.
 

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It just hurts though because he seems very unappreciative. Why does he need a therapist when he has me right here?
It doesn't work that way. He's been hurt by girlfriends. It seems he can't properly trust and open up to anybody in that position. Which is why he will opt for the therapist, because a therapist is obligated to listen, is very unlikely to mistreat him, will not leave him, etc. It's a completely different position. A therapist is also a professional. It is great to have support through friendships and relationships but sometimes people really need something more with their disorders.

Don't take it personally, really. There is nothing to read into, it is very simple: he is just not in a position to enter a relationship. Honestly, I'd say you're lucky that he told you upfront and early on, even if there was some mixed messages going on at first. You deserve somebody who is more emotionally available and will give you what you need.
 

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@FirstQueen

What @cosmia says, a million times, 100% full ack. She's just spot on here. Listen to her.
It's normal for you to find it hard to brush this off - you have invested into him emotionally, but reread these words of cosmia's again:

Don't take it personally, really. There is nothing to read into, it is very simple: he is just not in a position to enter a relationship. Honestly, I'd say you're lucky that he told you upfront and early on, even if there was some mixed messages going on at first. You deserve somebody who is more emotionally available and will give you what you need.
Don't resent him for having cut you out of his life. He has issue he needs to take care of first, he needs to take care of him and him only at this time. It's very good he was introspective enough into his own motives to remove himself "early".
Sure it hurts you... but consider this. If he had strung you on for months with what actually would have been false promise you'd have an even more terrible time. I know that isn't very reassuring for you right now.

Flock to your friends for support and reassuring that you DID indeed not do anything wrong and that your emotions and investment was pure. Hang in there!
 
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@ATLeow @cybershaman @Distill
You are all so very sweet, I appreciate your replies more than you know.

It's been 2 days since he has cut me off. I haven't heard from him since. I'm going to be perfectly fine if he chooses never to talk to me again. What punctures my heart though is how much I gave and how little I received. I feel like I was completely taken for granted. There are people out there who can brush these things off quickly, but it's hard for me. It's just really, really upsetting how wrong you can be about a person. I would never in a million years do anything like this to another person so I just don't understand why it happened to me.

Oh well. It happens, right? Still smiling though.
Have you talked to your friend about it?

I know it sucks to invest in someone without receiving much in return. Been on both sides of that one. What @cosmia says is totally right though...he's probably unable to give anything back. It feels like there's a blockage, a tussle between a desire for isolation and wanting someone. Take care of yourself in the meantime...I really hope that this resolves in a good way, even if it's shit right now.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
This is a joke, right? I got 5 texts from him this morning.

"Look. I fucked up. I screwed up. If you don't want me in your life I understand and I will walk away now. I'm sorry. I cant just let someone like you go. We have the same taste in everything and I realize that I'll probably never find a girl like you again. You are one of those rare ones."

I'm holding back on responding for now.
 

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I'm going to be direct with this because I think you should learn this lesson ASAP for your own well-being.

1. Someone you've known for 2 weeks is not going to have such deep feelings for you. They may be on an emotional high & say such things, but the deep appreciation for you as an individual is unlikely there.


2. Someone who early on begins to tell you about their ex & how they are not fully over that person is NOT ready for a relationship again. In a sense, he DID tell you this off the bat then. He also told you he was not read to trust you. This is NEVER for you to solve; you deserve someone ready for a relationship & able to trust.


3. He was using you for emotional support. You were the "rebound". He gave you signs of it, but you didn't want to see it. Yes, he is wrong for not being more upfront, but he was in denial about it. You were also in denial concerning where this person was at emotionally & what your role was in the relationship. Let me repeat: He was USING you for emotional support.


I suggest learning from this & then staying busy in other ventures. MOVE ON from this guy. Don't continue to think you can fix him. He is not the only guy out there with similar interests to you & who will clique with.


In the future
- You may not want to get physically involved with someone so quickly. A conversation on your relationship is just that. Commitment will be self-evident in someone's actions, not just a verbal agreement or because you are intimate. Physical intimacy does not beget real commitment either; it's often the other way around. Note a genuine emotional commitment with someone as becoming evident over time instead of procuring some words very quickly & then trying to seal the deal with physical contact.


- You need to not be so available to someone who is not available to you. You rushed over to support him after a day of him ignoring your texts (I doubt he did not get them, and even so, he was not exactly contacting you either). He has done nothing to deserve that level of devotion and support from you. You are not valuing yourself enough.


- Take it as a red flag if they discuss their ex a lot or still have major unfinished business there (emotionally or otherwise). This is a way of saying they are not ready for a relationship right now, even if they don't actually say that.


- Be alert to your interactions mainly revolving around you being an emotional support to him (where is the reciprocation?). Giving someone this level of support early on is teaching them they don't have to do much to get it. They learn they can be emotional vampires & emotional intimacy is taken for granted instead of a result of commitment and mutual care for one another's well-being.
 

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This is a joke, right? I got 5 texts from him this morning.

"Look. I fucked up. I screwed up. If you don't want me in your life I understand and I will walk away now. I'm sorry. I cant just let someone like you go. We have the same taste in everything and I realize that I'll probably never find a girl like you again. You are one of those rare ones."

I'm holding back on responding for now.
Oh god no.. player alert! Danger danger. Do not EVER respond, simply remove him out of your memory as soon as possible, not matter how painful and wrong it may seem at the moment.
He's not looking for you, he's looking for the comfort you give him at the time. When you tumble down into his net again now things will repeat. He'll be emotionally unavailable again, slowly start to dictate if and when you are going to see and when you are going to try and bail out again he'll go through a patch of abandonment angst and try to coax you back with sweet promises.
I'm practically going through the very same situation right now.

With that said... I may be painting too black/white of a picture - so do take my advice with a grain of salt this time.
Just trying to make sure you are not investing your heart into someone that is not capable/willing to reciprocate in kind.

Above all, always trust your instincts. Always.
 
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This is a joke, right? I got 5 texts from him this morning.

"Look. I fucked up. I screwed up. If you don't want me in your life I understand and I will walk away now. I'm sorry. I cant just let someone like you go. We have the same taste in everything and I realize that I'll probably never find a girl like you again. You are one of those rare ones."

I'm holding back on responding for now.
For your own sanity and sake, put him on hold for now, until he cools down. And tell him this, cos you are mad at him for what he did. Just stay cool. You do not know what will happen, and do not rush to him, and do not aggrevate him too. Just say a point blank, "I want to cool things for now and think what I want".

When his emotions are calmer and cools down, and you do not also push him onto further rebound upon rebound, and he starts to respect himself, and also others, then consider to date him. SLOWLY...

We are often confused by other people's emotions and so forth that we do not necessarily see the wood for the trees sometimes. Right now, you are mad, and you are entitled to be mad, but at the same time, do not let the situation change you into something else too, this is also important as well.. you know? Stay cool.

Every girl can be the great girl and the rare girl, but the thing is, the guy also need to focus and commit as well... and be decent. I don't think he also realises this of himself too. He has to keep his self worth as well. Do not necessarily berate him. Think and keep cool, and not to play into his messy games, which is already aggrevated now by his ex, cos his ex berated him as well, which maybe she has no right to, and it seems that she too have not let go as well. We all have been in those situations before too. So... just be aware and not be another player into his relationship world. Cos it means you will be player number 3. His ex, him, and you.

Whenever I see another girl on the scene this way that plays tug-o-way, I walk away. Even guys now see me as an odd person for wanting this kind of independence, but it is for the better. To keep respectful, and draw that respectful line.
 
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