Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 37 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,139 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I think about it all the time. Obviously this is a common thing when people are suicidal (which I am sometimes). But it continues on even when I'm not. Driving somewhere? My mind immediately draws up scenarios of fatal car accidents. Staying in all day? What if I have a seizure in the bathtub and I drown? Or what if my family members die? I dream about dying in very graphic ways almost every night. And when it's not that, I dream about being followed by some sort of entity that keeps telling me to kill myself. Or I'm day dreaming about death really means: its inevitability, the cessation of existence, and how I'm scared that one day I might contribute to my own self destruction.

I recently lost my Granny (natural causes), and she was just one of the 9 or so funerals I've been to in the past 3 years. I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder, and OCD runs in my family. I've read where "preoccupation with death" is a symptom of depression, but that's all very vague. I've never seen explained it as more than that. While I am getting treatment, it's only via medication. My mental health professionals won't book me under any counseling sessions for some reason, even though I've told them that I have suicidal thoughts.

I've thought about talking to my parents about this, but my mom has a tendency to overreact. Seeing as how she just lost her mother, and also lost a brother to suicide, I'm scared she'll panic and put me in a hospital. In addition to being very expensive, that would interfere with me going to college and enjoying time with my friends/family which is really all I want right now.


I'm either terrified of dying, or I'm wishing for death. There is no in-between. It's constant. It nags at my mind ALL THE TIME. This needs to stop, and I don't know what to do. I guess what I'm asking is:

a) can anybody relate?
b) is this related to my mental illness?
c) what should I do to change this?

sorry for the long text but I'm kind of distressed and at a loss of what to do right now. It should also be worth noting that I am NOT CURRENTLY suicidal. My brain is just obsessed with death.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
16,000 Posts
I had the same exact problem. It was to the point where I would only buy a certain brand of shampoo, soap, etc. Fearing I could have an allergic reaction and die. Same thing with foods. Even though I know I didn't have a food allergy. I could go on, but it would only make you worry more. I could find a way to die in anything. My main goal of every day was to stay alive.

You are having obsessive/intrusive thoughts. I also think it was at least somewhat of a control issue for me. You simply cannot control when you and others will die. Well, you can, but not in a good way.

Even Superman had to deal with this:

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,052 Posts
my feeling is you've not expressed how these people dying has affected you, so the impact of these people dying is "inside" you, and is "asking" you to let it out. if you felt angry and confused at death, do you feel that you could express that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,442 Posts
I recommend contacting your therapist again and politely demanding that an explanation be given to you as to why you cannot be seen despite needing treatment. It may only be the case that they are currently booked, but they are otherwise obligated to provide you with a new recommendation in order to avoid medical negligence.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,139 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
my feeling is you've not expressed how these people dying has affected you, so the impact of these people dying is "inside" you, and is "asking" you to let it out. if you felt angry and confused at death, do you feel that you could express that?
I wouldn't know how to express it even if I wanted to. I just feel sort of numb, I guess. Blank. I don't think I even cried at any of the funerals; I just sort of accepted it as a fact of life and went on. I never went through the anger or denial stages that are supposed to happen. I dunno. It's pretty obvious that I'm not emotionally healthy. These feelings aren't recent though. This has been kind of a recurring thing throughout my life
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,139 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I recommend contacting your therapist again and politely demanding that an explanation be given to you as to why you cannot be seen despite needing treatment. It may only be the case that they are currently booked, but they are otherwise obligated to provide you with a new recommendation in order to avoid medical negligence.
I have. But they keep "putting me on the list" and saying they'll get right back with me. This has been ongoing since about October. I started seeing somebody back in August, but she left the practice and dropped all of her patients. I suppose tomorrow I'll call once again to check and see if they have any appointments available.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,139 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I recommend contacting your therapist again and politely demanding that an explanation be given to you as to why you cannot be seen despite needing treatment. It may only be the case that they are currently booked, but they are otherwise obligated to provide you with a new recommendation in order to avoid medical negligence.
I have. But they keep "putting me on the list" and saying they'll get right back with me. This has been ongoing since about October. I started seeing somebody back in August, but she left the practice and dropped all of her patients. I suppose tomorrow I'll call once again to check and see if they have any appointments available.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,442 Posts
I have. But they keep "putting me on the list" and saying they'll get right back with me. This has been ongoing since about October. I started seeing somebody back in August, but she left the practice and dropped all of her patients. I suppose tomorrow I'll call once again to check and see if they have any appointments available.
That's terrible. They need to be reminded about negligence.

But I hope you are able to see a good therapist soon!
 

·
Electronica Wizard
ISFP
Joined
·
6,709 Posts
When I was a perhaps 12 years old or so, I thought I could die of massive diarrhea by Yakult overdose. I was disappointed.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,139 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
@DeductiveReasoner

what feelings have been a kind of recurring thing throughout your life? feelings of numbness?
numbness, depersonalization. Having a weird relationship with the concept of death. It likely just stems from being genetically predisposed to mental illness.

Maybe making this thread was a pointless idea. I know I need help but I just don't know where to get it at this point. Everything seems like a dead end. I even went to the counselor at my college. She basically told me there was nothing she could do, and then recommended me to the mental health care facility that I'm already going to.

Everything seems so overwhelming and futile and all I want is just to be able to take care of myself
 

·
Registered
INTP 874 sx/sp VLEF melancholic
Joined
·
17,126 Posts
I don't have experience obsessing over death, but I do have experience obsessing over being God. @FearAndTrembling labelled them "intrusive thoughts" and that is what my therapist labelled them too. I had all sorts of fears from this thought. It wasn't about being better than others or really about my ego. It was a legitimate belief I had since age 3 that built up a lot of stress and fear within me. I actually had a fear of death to a degree, because I felt that if I died everything else would too. I came to the conclusion that destiny wouldn't let me die.. and I became fearless of death instead. What I began to focus on was what to DO. What does it mean to be God and what should I do and why? I was afraid as hell of doing the wrong thing. I think you can note some similarities here.

The solution to the obsessive thoughts isn't medication, it isn't running away from your thoughts by absorbing in something else, it isn't by trying your best to ignore them. What I had to do, and this was very complicated, was convince myself that there is no meaning in the fact that I'm God. I still think I am, I always will.. but that's not the problem. The problem was the obsession. The effect of the thought. I had to stop caring so much. It was so fucking hard to do. It was really worth it because I feel human.

You have to convince yourself that death doesn't deserve your attention, just as I convinced myself that being God doesn't deserve my attention. Therapy didn't really help with that either, because the focus was on the thoughts. It wasn't about me, just the thoughts. Talking about my thoughts just fed them more. In the end I learned that "me" was not defined by what I think. "I think therefore I am" is unrefined. I am so much more than what I think. And it's a hard lesson to learn.
 

·
Registered
INTP 874 sx/sp VLEF melancholic
Joined
·
17,126 Posts
Also when I say I feel human, I mean I literally feel human. I don't think I am human (though I tell myself I am), but I feel human. In therapy I was taught that thoughts lead to feelings which lead to behavior. But that is inaccurate because I stopped allowing my thoughts to dictate my feelings. It was accurate at one point though. I actually think feelings dictate thoughts just as much as thoughts dictate feelings. And that's why I focus more on my feelings than just my thoughts. I do yoga, make sure I am flexible. I have nutrition, make sure I have what I need. I enjoy eating and drinking and indulging in all my senses, making sure hormones are released regularly. You have bipolar you said? Me too. And a big problem with bipolar is that it sort of controls your feelings.... So you have to figure out what gets you high and stop doing that so much. Because then your feelings will be out of control and your thoughts in turn will be out of control and it's a mess. So I'm careful both about my thoughts AND my feelings as someone diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. One half of the diagnoses means I obsess over thoughts and the other half means I obsess over feelings. And since one is responsible for the other, I have some really out of control feelings and thoughts sometimes. I find clarity only when I physically am healthy AND mentally healthy. Both require a lot of mindfulness. Meaning being aware of what the hell I'm actually doing. So I stop getting high on accident.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,085 Posts
Definitely intrusive thoughts. Don't worry, you can work through them. You're alright. These things will get better.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DeductiveReasoner

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,139 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
It's the OCD. Trust me.
Yeah, I was kind of under that impression, too. I used to have intrusive thoughts when I was a kid. I thought I was going to go to hell and stuff. When I got older, I did a bit of research and learned about OCD. After that I was able to identify them as intrusive thoughts, and sorta learned how to block them out. I went years without many OCD symptoms. I guess now it's just making a comeback.

The nurse practitioner who is in charge of my medication was supposed to test me for OCD, but never has. It's been over a year now. Maybe I should start going somewhere else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,130 Posts
I'm either terrified of dying, or I'm wishing for death. There is no in-between. It's constant. It nags at my mind ALL THE TIME. This needs to stop, and I don't know what to do. I guess what I'm asking is:

a) can anybody relate?
b) is this related to my mental illness?
c) what should I do to change this?
First, I am so sorry for the loss you've suffered- grief is one of those most difficult experiences we go through in life. Talking about your feelings, and wanting to feel better; however, is the clearest sign of your desire for health and sanity. That's very healthy, and it should be praised. Thank you for wanting to stay here bad enough to want to wrestle with this difficult thing.

Counseling is really important right now. If not a psychatrist or psychologist- there are many, many avenues that you can explore.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Is the first place I can think of to go as a resource.

Second, I think that your fear/desire for death is what's creating the obsessive quality of your thoughts. Perhaps (I cannot stress how important it is you speak with a qualified person before acting on anything, I'm not an expert) you need try to process your grief over the loss of your loved ones, and express your feelings in some way. Your mother is grieving too. It might be uncomfortable at first- but it will not burden her to share your thoughts with her- you can grieve together. If you're worried your feelings will hurt her- that indicates you care about her a great deal.

Yes, she wants you to live, and so do we, and so do you. Please, it does not need to be a paid psychiatrist who helps you heal. I don't know if you have a faith-based system in your background; but you can do things poetically and symbolically to help yourself accept that death is not to be feared, nor chased. It's simply a part of life that's hard on the living. It's hard to accept the idea of death, but if you could come to accept that it is a part of life, and for the living- that might help you to keep living.

I wish you much healing and love. Their bodies are gone, but the love they gave is with you always. Your mother is here, share that love with her. Your heartache is a testement to your vast love.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
54 Posts
I've neverhad this problem as a constant issue but can relate on some level. Aquick search on intrusive thoughts will give you some decent resources for self-help. I would still strongly suggest that you seek professional help. Asserting the importance of therapy to your mental health provider is important. If they will not help you, ask for a referral to someone else.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,139 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
First, I am so sorry for the loss you've suffered- grief is one of those most difficult experiences we go through in life. Talking about your feelings, and wanting to feel better; however, is the clearest sign of your desire for health and sanity. That's very healthy, and it should be praised. Thank you for wanting to stay here bad enough to want to wrestle with this difficult thing.

Counseling is really important right now. If not a psychatrist or psychologist- there are many, many avenues that you can explore.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Is the first place I can think of to go as a resource.

Second, I think that your fear/desire for death is what's creating the obsessive quality of your thoughts. Perhaps (I cannot stress how important it is you speak with a qualified person before acting on anything, I'm not an expert) you need try to process your grief over the loss of your loved ones, and express your feelings in some way. Your mother is grieving too. It might be uncomfortable at first- but it will not burden her to share your thoughts with her- you can grieve together. If you're worried your feelings will hurt her- that indicates you care about her a great deal.

Yes, she wants you to live, and so do we, and so do you. Please, it does not need to be a paid psychiatrist who helps you heal. I don't know if you have a faith-based system in your background; but you can do things poetically and symbolically to help yourself accept that death is not to be feared, nor chased. It's simply a part of life that's hard on the living. It's hard to accept the idea of death, but if you could come to accept that it is a part of life, and for the living- that might help you to keep living.

I wish you much healing and love. Their bodies are gone, but the love they gave is with you always. Your mother is here, share that love with her. Your heartache is a testement to your vast love.
I'm not especially religious, but there are some songs, poems, and anecdotes that comfort me, so I guess that's a good place to start. And I'll try to keep some of the things you said in mind, especially the things I bolded.

I'm just tired of it being constantly on my mind. I can't snuggle with my dog, or enjoy time with my friends/family without thinking about how I'm either going to live to see them die, or how I'm going to die before them. And to be honest, it's that line of thinking that makes me feel suicidal. I'm scared of dying, but I'm also scared of watching everyone around me die. I've just been to so many funerals, it seems like.

I think tomorrow I'll go to my mental health center and try to address the situation, and if they don't comply, I'll go somewhere else. Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It means a lot :happy:
 
1 - 20 of 37 Posts
Top