This is you conversing with the INFJ woman you think you will marry?Hi guys and gals. I've been lurking on this forum seemingly for eons and have used many of your insights as INFJs to help me understand and empathize with my INFJ girlfriend. She is simulataneously a gem of a woman and a huge pain in the ass. I'm coming to you guys for perspective because even though we share enough amazing moments together that the thought of getting married feels blissful, we still at times fight in a way that leaves us both very drained, and it causes us to question everything.
The scenario (last night)
Background: We hadn't seen each other for almost two days, so she'd had alone time and seemed energetic. We went to our favorite bar (where our first date was) to talk eat and enjoy each other.
Her: "Uggg... I don't want to talk about [her grad school experience] anymore. What have you been thinking about lately?"
Me: "I've been thinking a lot about [friend A INFJ] and [friend B], they've both been super down and I'm worried. I've been talking a lot the last two days with [friend A INFJ] since he bought his cello."
Her (just a hint of snarky): "I know, you've told me that already. Why is the cello so important?"
Me (non-plussed, perhaps stupidly and missing a flag): "It's funny you mention that, he and I read this article about how important it is to have an Fe outlet when people of his personality type get stuck too deeply in their heads. The pain just doesn't come out otherwise."
Her (a touch more snarky): "Ya but what about his marriage? A cellos not going to fix that."
Me (hint of exasperation): "No you're missing the point. There is something very deep here I'm trying to explain to you but you're skipping over it. [friend A INFJ] is in triage mode. It's an existential crisis. I can't go into the details becuase it's very private but..."
Her (now switching to condesention): "Ugggg.... I know. He's gay I get it. I could tell that was the issue from what you said the other day. Come on... I can read you! Fine, it's private so why are you talking to me about it?"
Me (speechless): After about 15 seconds... "Well, there's just something you're skipping over that I thought was beautiful to share. And it's not okay that you're asserting that him being gay even though he's married is the issue. I didn't say that. Nor do I want to break his confidence and talk about it."
Her (straight up drunken loud snarky): "Yep! You're right, you win. I'm wrong. I'm sorry I asked."
Me (visibly pissed but trying to keep it together): "Babylove...this is THAT moment that you and I need to stop and reset. There's no reason for us to fight. I didn't mean to offend you. But I also don't believe I said anything wrong."
Her (calmer): "You're right...let's talk about something else."
OK good, so i'm not the only one who got very condescending vibes reading through that.Twice you tell her she's skipping over stuff, like some wonderful beautiful thing (which you never describe because you're too busy being condescending and talking about 'resetting' and such).
This seems way too harsh in my opinion. Sure, implying that someone has missed the point can be confronting and should normally be avoided, but still its no reason to get all worked up about. What happened to "having a normal discussion"? And the snarky part started earlier on anyway.This is you conversing with the INFJ woman you think you will marry?
What in the world led you to introduce the topic of your married (evidently to a woman?) gay friend's problems if you never intended to level with her about everything? Talk of respecting the friend's confidence falls flat when we consider she's your supposed wife-to-be.
Besides, she'd already figured out your friend is gay, something you apparently did not see fit to tell her.
Twice you tell her she's skipping over stuff, like some wonderful beautiful thing (which you never describe because you're too busy being condescending and talking about 'resetting' and such).
By the way, in all your analysis and helpful advice to her did you notice she mini-door slammed you twice?
Putting it plainly, your conversation with the woman is hopelessly inept. Hard to believe she didn't pour her beer on your head and walk out.
I don't disagree, at all. That is a possibility. Regarding being in a relationship, I would add that you, as the partner, should know if you truly want to be with her during this time.