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Discussion Starter #1
For about a month and a half now, my best friend has been seeing somebody over the internet. They communicate over video chat and Gaia.
Now, my friend is pretty disturbed, and is into some really morbid things. The guy she's seeing is into the same sort of things, and that's how they bonded. He's also quite similar to her previous boyfriend, who she may or may not have lingering feelings for.

Now, there are many reasons for me to dislike this new guy. My friend has recently been having some problems with a group of people, and after she trusted him enough to tell him about it, he used it against her by pretending to be closely involved with that group. To prove that "there could be worse things than distance between us" or something like that.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

My friend is very uncomfortable with, or even terrified of, anything sexual. As soon as she told him this, he immediately tried to make her get over it "for her own good". He did things like begging her to send him pictures of her in her underwear and wouldn't take no for an answer. Eventually she had to make up a story about her mom taking her camera, because flat out refusing didn't work.

This guy has a reputation for throwing around words like "love" and "forever" after a week or two, then rarely staying with the person over month. This is so far his longest relationship, but given his track record, I don't trust him.

The last thing is that he is extremely jealous. He acts as if he owns my friend, that he has a right to her love, and no one else. If anyone else shows affection to her, even playfully, he immediately goes into a jealous rage/depression. "You're mine, don't forget that."

So as you can see, I have every reason to dislike, even hate him. But what I can't explain is why I hate him so much. Every time I see that they're still talking, I want to stab a puppy to death. I never, ever want to lose my best friend, and she feels the same about me, and we've been through a lot together.But it's gotten to the point where I nearly ended the friendship simply because her boyfriend makes me feel like throwing up in my mouth.
By the way, she tells him that she loves him, but she really thinks that it's just a crush, and doesn't want to hurt him by telling him so.

What should I do?
 

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Wow, he seems like quite the asshole... I think the best way to approach this is to tactfully try to illustrate to your friend that this guy is trash, but in a way that's compelling(shouldn't be too hard if he truly is the scum you described) enough for her to realize that this can lead to no good, tact will be helpful here because in many situations friendships can get baffled because of such destructive forces in people's love life, ultimately though you can't make her stop talking to him, but under the circumstances you describe, I understand and applaud your concern for your friend.
 

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But it's gotten to the point where I nearly ended the friendship simply because her boyfriend makes me feel like throwing up in my mouth.
Sigh, been there done that. Your friend probably wont want to hear what you have to say about this. I know it sucks but in my experience the best course of action is to just let things play out. There's nothing you can do to force her out of the relationship, she has to realize for herself that the guy is a douchebag. If she gets hurt, then you can comfort her but I doubt anything you'll say will make her reconsider her relationship. I hope things work for the best though.
 

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I agree with Eerie that as much as you want to help, there really isn't a way to break it to her. I faced a similar situation a few years ago. My best friend was in a long-distance relationship with this guy she met at a wedding. After a year, he proposed that she moved to his city, but on condition that she paid for half the mortgage because "I need proof that you can afford it". Instead of seeing what an asshole he was, she agreed to it by switching to a more stressful but high-paying job to "show my commitment to him". Over the course of two years, I tried to tell her that true love shouldn't come with conditions. But she wouldn't hear of it. If anything, it made her want him more. *shrugs* They are now "happily" married. Along with her other close friends, I have been barred from any form of communication with her without his approval beforehand.
 

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I agree with Eerie that as much as you want to help, there really isn't a way to break it to her. I faced a similar situation a few years ago. My best friend was in a long-distance relationship with this guy she met at a wedding. After a year, he proposed that she moved to his city, but on condition that she paid for half the mortgage because "I need proof that you can afford it". Instead of seeing what an asshole he was, she agreed to it by switching to a more stressful but high-paying job to "show my commitment to him". Over the course of two years, I tried to tell her that true love shouldn't come with conditions. But she wouldn't hear of it. If anything, it made her want him more. *shrugs* They are now "happily" married. Along with her other close friends, I have been barred from any form of communication with her without his approval beforehand.
Gawd. Been there, done that too. Lost a close family friend because she wanted so badly to have a man, she went for the first guy that was interested... and he was a religious fundie, possessive, insecure, angry, controlling. She literally sacrificed all of her friends to stay with this guy; they're still together years later, but she's become a somewhat mean, bitter person, and her children have all been leaving home to stay with others as soon as they get old enough. I just don't understand that type of fear to make people cling to something like that.

OP: It's only been 1.5 months. Most relationships need at least a few months to run their course. The guy does sound like a douche -- controlling, manipulative, not concerned for her feelings. And from what you describe, chances are that he might dump her on his own, if he jumps around as much as you've suggested. Which is actually a positive here. He might get bored of her first and just drop her.

Yes, of course you're angry. He's hurting/manipulating someone you love dearly, and there's nothing you can do. It's her choice. I think it's okay to share a concern here and there, in a non-heated way, and let her know you love her and are really worried for her well-being with a guy like this; but otherwise you mostly have to be the safe place she can retreat to once she comes to the conclusion he's no good for her.
 

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Yes, of course you're angry. He's hurting/manipulating someone you love dearly, and there's nothing you can do. It's her choice. I think it's okay to share a concern here and there, in a non-heated way, and let her know you love her and are really worried for her well-being with a guy like this; but otherwise you mostly have to be the safe place she can retreat to once she comes to the conclusion he's no good for her.
But at the same time, if she eventually chooses the man over her friend, I'd just cut her off. I can't imagine being there to support someone who chose a romantic interest over a friend.
 

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A simple guide
  1. Take photos of boyfriend
  2. Obtain images of other girls
  3. Use image editing software, e.g. photoshop, to make it look as though they are involved
  4. Ensure friend receives image(s)
  5. Watch relationship end as she dumps him for 'cheating'
Adding something with a recent date in the background may help.
 

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By the way, she tells him that she loves him, but she really thinks that it's just a crush, and doesn't want to hurt him by telling him so.

What should I do?
Leave her alone.

If a person wants to be stupid by doing things they shouldn't, then you have to let them. Why? The reason is that's the only way they'll learn their lesson in life. It's part of growing up.

You keep screwing up by dating people you shouldn't. Some people never learn, some of them do. But we don't learn by having someone step-in and tell us who we should date... that's guaranteed never to work.

If she asks for your opinion, then give it. If she doesn't, then there's not much you can do other than sever or distance the friendship if it bugs you so much.
 
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A simple guide

  1. Take photos of boyfriend
  2. Obtain images of other girls
  3. Use image editing software, e.g. photoshop, to make it look as though they are involved
  4. Ensure friend receives image(s)
  5. Watch relationship end as she dumps him for 'cheating'
Adding something with a recent date in the background may help.
Or this... this works.
 

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A simple guide
  1. Take photos of boyfriend
  2. Obtain images of other girls
  3. Use image editing software, e.g. photoshop, to make it look as though they are involved
  4. Ensure friend receives image(s)
  5. Watch relationship end as she dumps him for 'cheating'
Adding something with a recent date in the background may help.
Best advice ever. High five!
 

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Someone pretty much already addressed this, but yeah, if you say anything against it, then you are the outsider, the enemy. Been there too. I have seen a variety of 'bad' significant others end up with my friends.. and I can usually spot it immediately when this person is shady, a user, or just not very genuine. Lovers connect and team up against anyone from the outside - even as early on as the infatuation phase where they feel like they're going to be soulmates 4eva and eva though they don't even really know each other yet. Don't mess with it. Just let it happen and be there for support later when it falls apart.
 

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*shrugs* They are now "happily" married. Along with her other close friends, I have been barred from any form of communication with her without his approval beforehand.
I fear for women who are ensnared by love, who can't see that this is controlling behaviour on his part, and isolation is one of the earliest stages of abuse :\ sometimes abuse comes months or years later, which is why a lot of people don't recognise how unhealthy this is.
 

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I never want to involve with my best friend's romance. If they need someone to talk, I'll be there. If they want honest opinion, I'll give them. But I will not support them for their stupid decisions just because they are my friends.

My best friend does this before. I told her my opinion about her boyfriend, and then I leave her alone with her romance life.
 

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Express your concerns to your friend. It's her decision to choose who her friends and boyfriends are.
You can only try to show her the things she may not have noticed.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Thanks for the advice, guys, but it's over between us now. She was talking about me to her boyfriend behind my back. I've had it with this.
 
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