Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,877 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
When I was suffering from depression, I used to go on mental health forums and forums dedicated to depression.

I found that I couldn't relate to 85-90% of the people on there, because I saw that most of the depression these people suffering was built on loneliness and not feeling good enough.

I really don't understand what loneliness feels like.

For me solitude feels completely normal.

I can enjoy being around people sometimes. Other people can be interesting, but If I meet a group of people and they just randomly one day vanish from my life, I don't feel bad about it.

I could spend 6 months around a cool group of people, and then one day I leave a job, never see them again, and spend the next year not talking to anyone, and feel completely fine.

I spent over a year in almost complete social isolation when I was unemployed, and I didn't feel bad about being alone.

What does loneliness feel like? I can understand the logic behind why people feel lonely as we're a social species, but I don't get why it's supposed to be this terrible thing that one can experience.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,474 Posts
When I was suffering from depression, I used to go on mental health forums and forums dedicated to depression.

I found that I couldn't relate to 85-90% of the people on there, because I saw that most of the depression these people suffering was built on loneliness and not feeling good enough.

I really don't understand what loneliness feels like.

For me solitude feels completely normal.

I can enjoy being around people sometimes. Other people can be interesting, but If I meet a group of people and they just randomly one day vanish from my life, I don't feel bad about it.

I could spend 6 months around a cool group of people, and then one day I leave a job, never see them again, and spend the next year not talking to anyone, and feel completely fine.

I spent over a year in almost complete social isolation when I was unemployed, and I didn't feel bad about being alone.

What does loneliness feel like? I can understand the logic behind why people feel lonely as we're a social species, but I don't get why it's supposed to be this terrible thing that one can experience.
A lot of time's people embrace/absorb self-pity or self deprecation that forms into depression.


A lot of times there are not talking about isolation or alone time. They are usually speaking of having no one to Love and to Love them...absence of Love can leave a hole in many hearts
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,560 Posts
When I was suffering from depression, I used to go on mental health forums and forums dedicated to depression.

I found that I couldn't relate to 85-90% of the people on there, because I saw that most of the depression these people suffering was built on loneliness and not feeling good enough.

I really don't understand what loneliness feels like.

For me solitude feels completely normal.

I can enjoy being around people sometimes. Other people can be interesting, but If I meet a group of people and they just randomly one day vanish from my life, I don't feel bad about it.

I could spend 6 months around a cool group of people, and then one day I leave a job, never see them again, and spend the next year not talking to anyone, and feel completely fine.

I spent over a year in almost complete social isolation when I was unemployed, and I didn't feel bad about being alone.

What does loneliness feel like? I can understand the logic behind why people feel lonely as we're a social species, but I don't get why it's supposed to be this terrible thing that one can experience.
I was exactly like you for 34 years. And then I met someone who I actually fell in love with deeply. And when the relationship ended, I felt lonely for the next year and a half.

It is painful and agonizing. We do not normally feel lonely because we do not bond with others that often. The INTJ can go through life unbonded and feel completely okay with the state of his life. He may even marry and not even truly bond with his spouse.

But then again, he may. And he will feel pain that will last but that is able to be healed. INTJs bond with far fewer humans than say, INFJs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
367 Posts
I think they feel dehumanized and alienated from life. You prob still feel yourself as part of the world.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
636 Posts
Ok. I might be BSing here but maybe it just feels like grief? I've come to find that humans don't take loss very well and maybe loneliness is just the loss of people in your life. You might kind of be able to relate if you have felt loss in other ways and felt like life wasn't where it should have been. Like the loss of an opportunity, an important plan, the ability to do something you were once able to, loss of good health from a medical diagnosis, or an important object. Maybe it's just me being more T than F but these things tend to feel the same for me, they just vary by degree depending on what is more important to me. Maybe socializing was really important to that person so that's where grief hits them the hardest.
 

·
Registered
INTJ
Joined
·
2,169 Posts
I could spend 6 months around a cool group of people, and then one day I leave a job, never see them again, and spend the next year not talking to anyone, and feel completely fine.

I spent over a year in almost complete social isolation when I was unemployed, and I didn't feel bad about being alone.

What does loneliness feel like? I can understand the logic behind why people feel lonely as we're a social species, but I don't get why it's supposed to be this terrible thing that one can experience.
I'm the same way. I know I look like a jerk when people leave for another job and I'm kinda like "ok bye!" regardless of whether or not I liked them. To me, that's how things go, this won't be the first or last time and really, they didn't die. They got a new (better) job or moved or got married. You'll see them again, if that's something you want to do and if you don't want to then things will fade like they're supposed to.

Loneliness, in my definition, is having the desire to connect but feeling like there is no one to connect to. If you don't have that desire, you will not feel lonely. As with what @being said, you can be fine without it until you have a meaningful connection that satisfies you in rare ways. I know the majority of people in my life will move on at some point but there are one or two people whose absence will unquestionably have a significant impact. For me, our interactions and relationship are distinct and irreplaceable.

A lot of people feel the need for social interaction, in reality. Social media, to me, makes it worse. Everyone has these half-assed, strictly superficial connections ("we're facebook friends and I look at his snapchats!") but realize, when they need someone, that none of those relationships have any substance. Then they mope instead of trying to correct it, which is another facet of the problem. I'm sure it weighs on their perception of self-worth having to acknowledge their fake friends are exactly that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
213 Posts
As with all feelings, loneliness is difficult to describe. But I'll try and give you my perspective on it.

Firstly, I relate to a lot of what you've said. I'm not a very social person, I keep social interaction to the minimum. I haven't had a close friend since I was about 12. The few friends I have I don't go out of my way to see. I've left jobs and haven't felt a huge amount of sadness over not seeing my work colleagues again. I just don't particularly need to socialise, and I'm content with being a hermit in my house (when I'm not at work).

HOWEVER, there's also this feeling of emptiness. I think it's perhaps best described as feeling disconnected from everyone else. Feeling as if you're alone, helpless, trying to reach out, but realising that no one actually cares. For me, it's the same feeling I felt when I was a child, when my parents were extremely neglectful of my emotional needs. I recall crying underneath the living room table for hours, waiting for one of them to come and comfort me. It didn't happen. I vividly remember on several occasions coming to the realisation that my parents do not care about me, can't be depended on, and that I'm on my own. That's quite traumatic for a child. If you can try and put yourself in that scenario, that's how loneliness feels for me.

It's not based on logic, it's based on emotions. I think for a lot of people it's perhaps due to things that happened/did not happen in their relationships with their parents/loved ones. For example, imagine you've lost a loved one. Maybe a death of someone you love, or a breakup with a long-term partner. If someone's been with you every day of your life, and suddenly they're gone, how would you feel? I'd say empty. You're bound to feel lonely if a connection you value has been severed.

So I guess loneliness is experiencing a deep connection with someone, losing it, and then longing for it again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
489 Posts
I was exactly like you for 34 years. And then I met someone who I actually fell in love with deeply. And when the relationship ended, I felt lonely for the next year and a half.

It is painful and agonizing. We do not normally feel lonely because we do not bond with others that often. The INTJ can go through life unbonded and feel completely okay with the state of his life. He may even marry and not even truly bond with his spouse.

But then again, he may. And he will feel pain that will last but that is able to be healed. INTJs bond with far fewer humans than say, INFJs.
Same. I never felt loneliness until I bonded with someone on a deeper level, and that relationship ended. It took me about the same amount of time to get over it. This was ten years ago though, and I haven't felt lonely since. However, just from that one experience, I can understand how people feel when they say they are lonely. I agree that other personality types bond with others on a deeper level often, and this is why they feel this way. I don't know if I could handle that. It's somewhat of a blessing to have difficulty bonding.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,935 Posts
When I was suffering from depression, I used to go on mental health forums and forums dedicated to depression.

I found that I couldn't relate to 85-90% of the people on there, because I saw that most of the depression these people suffering was built on loneliness and not feeling good enough.

I really don't understand what loneliness feels like.

For me solitude feels completely normal.

I can enjoy being around people sometimes. Other people can be interesting, but If I meet a group of people and they just randomly one day vanish from my life, I don't feel bad about it.

I could spend 6 months around a cool group of people, and then one day I leave a job, never see them again, and spend the next year not talking to anyone, and feel completely fine.

I spent over a year in almost complete social isolation when I was unemployed, and I didn't feel bad about being alone.

What does loneliness feel like? I can understand the logic behind why people feel lonely as we're a social species, but I don't get why it's supposed to be this terrible thing that one can experience.
People naturaully seek some sort of interaction or companionship from other people in most cases. Even people who dont want to have people around them all the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,438 Posts
There are times when I feel lonely, and that's because there's a part of me that desires an intense, close bond with another person. Most of my human relations are just like yours; it doesn't make much of a difference to me, if any, that I never see my class mates or work mates again, and I can go for a long time with just superficial human contact. Pets seem to provide enough contact for me to sustain myself decently.

However, I once loved someone else quite intensely, and as others have expressed, this seems to have made me realise that there are in fact benefits in such closeness with another person. As such, I experience a longing for that type of connection at times.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
173 Posts
For me solitude feels completely normal.
I can enjoy being around people sometimes. Other people can be interesting, but If I meet a group of people and they just randomly one day vanish from my life, I don't feel bad about it.
What does loneliness feel like? I can understand the logic behind why people feel lonely as we're a social species, but I don't get why it's supposed to be this terrible thing that one can experience.
I prefer being alone too,BUT,I do feel lonely.
I prefer solitude because I cannot handle the fake relationships everyone has and is ready to give these days.I need real love,real feelings and if I can't have that,I'd rather be alone and have nothing at all instead of lots of fakeness.
So,for me,loneliness comes from the lack of love,from the lack of emotion and the lack of depth, and not from the lack of human beings around me,you know what I mean??
It's not about WHO I don't have in my life,it's about WHAT I don't have in my life.
 

·
Heretic
ESI 9w8 5w4 2w1
Joined
·
10,673 Posts
Lonelyness is that feeling you get when you wish you had certain types of human interaction,
but for whatever reason you don't, hence you feel bad about it.
Usually it is tied in with not feeling good enough.
So in some ways lonelyness is tied in with self esteem.
You are alone and it is because you are not good enough.
Good enough being whatever standard you are held up to by society.
That is why people who get rejected from a group gets lonely.
They feel the rejection of not being good enough.
However if you chose to pick up and leave yourself, then you don't feel lonely.
As you don't equate being alone with not being good enough.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,877 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
I don't know guys. As far as I can remember, I just haven't really felt what people describe as a connection to others. Not even my own family.

I feel empathy for people and don't want to betray them, but I don't feel like I'm afraid to lose anyone.

I feel like a true lone wolf. No matter how much I like someone, their departure from my life really doesn't mean all that much to me.

I could go to therapy for this, but I seriously don't feel as if there's a problem with me. I feel fine.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
497 Posts
I'm a loner and have a low social need, it is just my threshold for tolerating isolation is much higher than most. It sounds like you're similar in that regards. I find emotionally needy people irritating and when they are depressed they are even worse. It's a shame and I'm willing to help people I love who are experiencing this, but if they don't seek the help they need time and time again, I don't want to hear about it.
 

·
Heretic
ESI 9w8 5w4 2w1
Joined
·
10,673 Posts
I don't know guys. As far as I can remember, I just haven't really felt what people describe as a connection to others. Not even my own family.

I feel empathy for people and don't want to betray them, but I don't feel like I'm afraid to lose anyone.

I feel like a true lone wolf. No matter how much I like someone, their departure from my life really doesn't mean all that much to me.

I could go to therapy for this, but I seriously don't feel as if there's a problem with me. I feel fine.
I'm guessing you are an Sp/Sx instinctual type.
You ignore the group, feel secure in your ability to deal with individuals and only worry about survival.
It is just as valid a survival strategy as any of the others.
Whatever you experienced in childhood set this in motion.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Gilfoyle

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
Lonelyness is that feeling you get when you wish you had certain types of human interaction,
but for whatever reason you don't, hence you feel bad about it.
Usually it is tied in with not feeling good enough.
So in some ways lonelyness is tied in with self esteem.
You are alone and it is because you are not good enough.
Good enough being whatever standard you are held up to by society.
That is why people who get rejected from a group gets lonely.
They feel the rejection of not being good enough.
However if you chose to pick up and leave yourself, then you don't feel lonely.
As you don't equate being alone with not being good enough.
I could relate to this. I'm also curious to know how you came to know about this.
 

·
Heretic
ESI 9w8 5w4 2w1
Joined
·
10,673 Posts
I could relate to this. I'm also curious to know how you came to know about this.
50% reading, 20% experience, 20% common sense and 10% logic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
922 Posts
I don't know guys. As far as I can remember, I just haven't really felt what people describe as a connection to others. Not even my own family.

I feel empathy for people and don't want to betray them, but I don't feel like I'm afraid to lose anyone.

I feel like a true lone wolf. No matter how much I like someone, their departure from my life really doesn't mean all that much to me.

I could go to therapy for this, but I seriously don't feel as if there's a problem with me. I feel fine.
Now- I felt this way for most of my life, that I'm just fine on my own, until I found an environment where I felt appreciated- that changed how I perceive socialization.
I think loneliness is the feeling of missing out on something- a certain regret when you know of something that should be there but isn't, perhaps could also be called a craving. It is that + associated with socialization. Naturally if you've never felt that good in the company of others- you don't know that you're missing out on something, infact you might feel relief that you're not in the company of people you dislike. However once you know how good socializing CAN feel, then in comparison you feel bad.
So it's more about framing- your perspective, what you compare your current state to- is it against an ideal state? thus feeling bad about it, encouraging you to act upon this feeling to find relief for it therefore encouraging socialization (and when not acting on it you feel depressed); or is it compared against an even worse state? which makes you satisfied with the current state of being a loner.

My personal opinion/advice- find those you can connect to, actively pursue connection with people you see potential in for mutual connection, don't be satisfied with the way things currently are- which sounds counter intuitive, but it may benefit you in the long run, because people CAN be awesome, and you're missing out on that experience whether you realize it or not.
I know this sounds like I'm telling you I know better than you using nothing but my subjective opinion vs yours, but I know that many psychologists will back me up on this- when judged against a standard- your situation would be deemed "unfavorable". So it's up to you to decide if there's truth to this standard- that it is more true than your truth, or keep going your own way, which is something every person who has a problem has to face- accepting their problem as if it's actually a problem- to them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
907 Posts
I found that I couldn't relate to 85-90% of the people on there, because I saw that most of the depression these people suffering was built on loneliness and not feeling good enough.
I grew up believing that there was something inherently wrong with me, and I fell into moderate depression as a child. My parents never told me that I was fine, they would on a regular basis talk about the aspects of my personality and appearance that was "wrong" and how I should go about changing them. I think I understood the problem from a very early age, I understood what I had to do to solve it around age nineteen, but it would take time to normalize. At age twenty I met someone who I respected (important factor) and whom expressively liked me. It was as if I was set free. Suddenly my self resentment was gone and I could focus on external things instead. In meeting with my parents now I understand why they talked me down. It is because I am largely superior to them in every aspect. I am my ESTJ father's rhetoric superior, I am master over my own mind, emotions and body, and I laugh at the same things he has nightmares about. In my current state I would take on any challenge with gusto and enthusiasm, isolation included, and it wouldn't rattle my leaves the slightest.
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Top