Main Questions
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
Nothing "drives" me in life other than the lizard brain; anything after that is an attempt to avoid boredom or pain. Though the world does keep me alive through giving me things to watch for the resolution of.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
Apparently a family, but that seems to be more of an unconscious hope at this point. I'd rather it die already so that I can focus on something else.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I hope to continue to avoid committing the atrocities I see in my head; no matter how delectably enjoyable it feels in my own mind, it will only mean the death of my humanity. I hate being bored because it allows me to obsess over my failures and the voices of my subconscious which then results in me being unproductive at work which could get me fired. Pretty much everything I feel I enjoy on the inside I have to try and avoid, even though it's only helping to prolong an existence of little worth and yet I desperately want to be me and only me.
I otherwise value my own ass, as much as the safety of those around me takes a close second. I value being myself, though I've had to learn moderation to function in society.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
That I'm just going to screw up again with no real gain on the horizon. I have a habit of self sabotage, but it is at its worst when I let discipline fly out the window, like my subconscious is wont to do.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I like being seen as different, but I hate how scary I seem to come across as naturally. I guess I kind of see myself as the ghost of a child left to wander the earth for hundreds of years.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best when I get something to work and/or look, feel, taste good. The successful blending of function and form is the most rewarding for me. Something going to crap or when I seem to only manage to scare/bother people puts me in a shit mood.
7. Describe how you experience each of:
a) anger - I feel the need to see the world burn, to destroy, to kill, to wade in rivers of blood. Self-control is a beautiful thing...
b) shame - I'll feel the need to sink into the darkness, wanting no one to find me, yet hoping someone will pull me out.
c) anxiety - I can't stay still when anxious and I often feel the ned to yell or scream.
8. Describe how you respond to each of:
a) stress - I either overwork myself or eat too much. I end up so much on edge that I'm like a social hand grenade.
b) unexpected change - I'll get angry first, but I always figure out how to deal with it almost by reflex.
c) conflict - depends on how important the subject matter is, though I haven't become physically violent in almost 16 years now.
9. Describe your orientation to:
a) authority - it has its uses, but is rarely there for me when I damn well need it. I give what respect seems necessary, but I rarely trust it.
b) power - in my hands or someone else's I don't see much good coming from it, as much as part of me wants it. I seem to have this "God's greatest gift to the world" complex that people really don't need to deal with.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
As much as I can enjoy some of the suspense, when the hell will it finally end?
Optional Questions
11. Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.
Lots of people I should have been able to trust proving that it was ill placed. I now seem to have serious trust issues.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
It's an on again, off again kind of relationship and unfortunately I have to live with this one. It comes in through the window when I least expect it, grabs hold of my cock; and the minute after I stop fighting, it drives a knife through two ribs in my back and disappears through the window again.
13. List some of the traits you:
a) like - learning how to do things quickly, this seems to save my ass more often than I like.
b) dislike most about yourself - the emotional a-bomb I'm always carrying around.
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Their motivations, or at least, I think so.
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
I have worked long and hard to not want to destroy every person who insults me. Compliments I tend to only take seriously for a few seconds, then question the motives of the giver - patronizing compliments often get taken as insults.
16. What's something you are:
a) thankful you have - self control, what little I have. Jail is some place I'm pretty sure I do not want to be.
b) wish you could have - companionship, but good fucking luck there with the way I am. I guess I feel empty with out, as much as that just leads to more problems.
