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Hi everyone!

Basically I am here wondering if other INFJs feel this way to a certain extent. I have a really hard time using my energy to support people sometimes because I feel that their problems are very trivial. Don't get me wrong, I feel very empathetic and feel that they are hurting and need to be comforted, but when the situation itself is seemingly inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, I feel like I don't even want to bother!

So, the result of this is me feeling very heartless and straight up mean sometimes since I don't want anything to do with helping my friends and roommates out when they have an emotional problem (I still do comfort them though!). I just don't understand their logic sometimes and why they can't see the overall picture.

I hope I did not come across as mean (lol) but I was wondering if this was normal for other INFJs?

Thanks!
 

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Yes, I completely understand what you're feeling. I had a huge panic-y moment yesterday when I felt that I had lost all my sense of compassion. I hadn't, but the reason I felt this way was very similar to what you're saying.
Sometimes it feels like people miss the grand scheme of things. There are so many problems that need to be solved on this planet yet we as individuals focus solely on our own little worlds. We get caught up in our everyday, mundane and ultimately meaningless problems and seem to forget that we're part of something bigger. We ignore the real suffering of others around us.
When you realize this, it can be hard to relate to the hardship of others that seems so trivial, compared to the grand scheme of things.
The best advice I can give you, which I have to remind myself to follow as well, is that if you can spread any happiness, or alleviate any suffering (psychological, physical, emotional or otherwise) to any degree, then I'm sure you would agree, that it is your duty to do so. (Obviously not to your own detriment, you don't want to wear yourself or get hurt in the process.) We must remember that happiness has a ripple effect, although it may seem small at first, it expands and affects everything around it.
I know sometimes it's tough, you just want people to see the bigger picture, to pull their heads out of their a…ses, so to speak, but you can't force people to view the world in the way you do (unfortunately, some would say…)
Basically, don't worry, you're not at all heartless. You're just having trouble connecting to their issues because you don't view the world through the same lenses as them. Just remember that a little help and encouragement can go a long way! And if you're surrounded by people like that, then maybe you should try and find a group of people that you can relate to better, and I'm sure this won't be as much of an issue :)
 

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Sometimes the heart just isn't interested in babysitting.

When there's something real there to give then I give it. If I try to give when there's nothing there to give then I feel heartless and phony. It feels hollow because the heart's not in it.

I can't get blood from a stone and I can't bring water up from an empty well.
 

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Yes, I completely understand what you're feeling. I had a huge panic-y moment yesterday when I felt that I had lost all my sense of compassion. I hadn't, but the reason I felt this way was very similar to what you're saying.

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Hi, Ladytalulah and welcome to the forums!
 

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The head-heart divide is real, wishing to feel empathy and charitable concern for others wellbeing, at the same time just lately asking myself why I should care about others when it is a cultural norm to downplay actual suffering, struggles and life instability seen as 'too real to discuss', with light hearted banter, 'sympathy' and 'not my problem' mentalities that reign supreme in modern times.
Being 'a guiding light' or uncommonly concerned about others is almost becoming uncommon as a sign of capitalist mindsets dominating, as societally encouraged apathy.
 

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Well I can't speak for other INFJ's but I've definitely had this problem before as well. Sometimes I get so focused on the bigger picture that I become cold and seem to be incapable of really empathizing with someone in the moment. But then LATER, when I'm reflecting on their stuff, I usually am able to feel what they were feeling. Kind of a delayed response. I would just say that....usually when people get upset over seemingly trivial things, they're really upset about something much deeper. It's just manifesting in that way. However, often times people won't want to resolve the deeper problem since it can be a sensitive/complex issue. But yeah, everyone needs to vent their frustrations sometimes. And I'm no different really so I'm trying to be more sensitive in this area.
 

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Well I can't speak for other INFJ's but I've definitely had this problem before as well. Sometimes I get so focused on the bigger picture that I become cold and seem to be incapable of really empathizing with someone in the moment. But then LATER, when I'm reflecting on their stuff, I usually am able to feel what they were feeling. Kind of a delayed response. I would just say that....usually when people get upset over seemingly trivial things, they're really upset about something much deeper. It's just manifesting in that way. However, often times people won't want to resolve the deeper problem since it can be a sensitive/complex issue. But yeah, everyone needs to vent their frustrations sometimes. And I'm no different really so I'm trying to be more sensitive in this area.
I like what you wrote about going much deeper. I’ve been on a kick for years regarding finding the cause of the problem rather than just treating the symptoms. And to do this you need to first acknowledge that cause before you can make changes, many people are afraid to do that. People seem to really find comfort in things staying the same and they fight change until it’s forced on them.
 

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I've come to view myself -- and other INFJs -- as emotional cyborgs.

We have a part of us that is certainly very human and empathetic, but we also have a part of us that strives for efficiency and excellence regardless of feelings. Having Fe and Ti sitting right next to each other on the function stack can result in a pretty confusing inner-conflict, especially since most of us do not have a good relationship with Fe -- it being an extroverted function and all.

I'm still quite young, and I'm still trying to figure lots of things out. As much as I love the idea of being able to predict how I'll respond to any given situation, I surprise myself pretty frequently. I try to appreciate and utilize the "cyborg" and "human" parts of my personality as they manifest, and maybe one of these days I'll be better at understanding how all of that works. In the meantime, I don't want to stress over it, and I don't think anyone else should either.

But rest assured -- you are far from heartless. I can safely say that all INFJs are very passionate people, but the catch is that it's difficult to find the things that trigger that passion. We are very particular people.
 

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I'm curious about an example of the type of thing you are referring to. Just because when you said trivial issues, things like getting a speeding ticket or their phone breaking came to my mind, so I'm wondering if that is what you mean. The stuff that happens to everyone, but they think they are special and talk as if this happening TO them is THE worst. That gets to me.

I like what @Another Lost Cause said. Feelings are feelings.

Comforting someone with something apparently trivial is good practice if you ever get into a parenting role with actual children! You have to do a lot of "you're going to be ok" in response to them feeling frustrated about something you will see as trivial (but they won't).
 

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Hi everyone!

Basically I am here wondering if other INFJs feel this way to a certain extent. I have a really hard time using my energy to support people sometimes because I feel that their problems are very trivial. Don't get me wrong, I feel very empathetic and feel that they are hurting and need to be comforted, but when the situation itself is seemingly inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, I feel like I don't even want to bother!

So, the result of this is me feeling very heartless and straight up mean sometimes since I don't want anything to do with helping my friends and roommates out when they have an emotional problem (I still do comfort them though!). I just don't understand their logic sometimes and why they can't see the overall picture.

I hope I did not come across as mean (lol) but I was wondering if this was normal for other INFJs?

Thanks!
Type 9: Scroll down to the health levels. What you are describing sounds like some unhealthiness: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-9/ You just seem overloaded or your own issues have not been dealt with and you have become frustrated.
 
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