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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I feel like I'm not made for this world. I was having this conversation yesterday, describing that there are "two of me". There is the participator, my body; then there is the observer, my mind/heart/spirit/soul/consciousness. The person writing this is the observer, but I am using the participator to type this out. I participate in life, doing what everyone else does, trying to be "normal". However, I have known my whole life that there is something so very different about me, this feeling of over-individuality is consuming me, and I can't get over it. I have this very strange feeling like I'm in the final stages of my life, even though I know my life is just beginning (I'm 17, turning 18 very soon). No matter where I am, who I'm with, or what I do, I always have this feeling of being so odd from others. I'm constantly looked at in public; maybe because I'm always on the look-out for others looking at me, which causes them to look at me. I feel like my every move is being watched by something or somebody, I feel like I (the observer) am always carefully conducting myself (the participator) in a way that "blends in", but I ultimately fall short. I feel like an alien or a different species on this Earth trying to disguise myself to fit in, but everyone else can see there's something "off". I feel like I missed out on some lesson, some memo, or some type of brainwashing of some sort that makes me belong. I have friends that I hang out with frequently, but no matter how close I try to get with them (in a nonphysical way), I always feel like there's something missing. There's this emotional/intellectual intensity that I crave to get from others, but it's never quite fulfilled. No matter how many words I communicate with others, I feel like verbal communication cannot fulfill my need for connection with others. Words hardly ever fulfill my train of thought, and trying to translate my thoughts into words is so incredibly difficult for me, while I think for others' it is effortless. I am a guy, however I do not fit/live up to the expectations of masculinity. I try to "act" masculine, yet it never "fools" anyone. I feel like a lost soul on this Earth, aimlessly wondering around on an alien planet. I can't escape this feeling of wanting to belong and to connect deeply, but it is never fulfilled.

I truly believe that I was not made for this planet, like I am not built to belong in society. I don't know what to do anymore, and I just live each day forcing myself to keep going, to see what the universe will throw my way; I'm all alone.
 

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Everyone goes through a period of finding themselves, more so an INFJ and we really love to "torture" our souls, as I put it. For some people, this is a life-long journey. Some others "gain enlightenment" eventually. What I mean by "enlightenment" is really just being comfortable in our own skin - all the perfections and imperfections.
 

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Well guess what, i don't belong too. But guess what? I don't care about what people think. And guess what? You should too.
 

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@MusiCago Honestly buddy, you sound a lot like myself in my teen years, only more intensely focused on your feelings of incompatibility in the world. I'm 25 now, and have long since escaped the kind of things you seem to be feeling, so perhaps I can share something useful.

I, like you, felt and still feel a profound sense of mind/body separation; I'm so uninvolved with the outside world that sometimes I feel as though my body might as well not even be there, like I'm sat in the back seat of my head watching the world unfold as it goes along. I actually quite like this though, as I've long since accepted that I'm an observer, not a participator - just because some of us don't participate doesn't mean we can't contribute, we just have to approach it from a different angle.

The overwhelming feeling of 'not fitting in' that you're experiencing is perfectly natural. Our sort of character, especially when younger, can really struggle to escape the weight of ego-centrism (feeling as though you're the centre of the universe); this is further exacerbated by feelings of loneliness, the cure for which (asides maturing out of it) I have found to be connecting with other people as to make your internal universe host to other, unique individuals other than yourself - this can be difficult to achieve however, especially if your individualism is circumstantial (e.g. I grew up in a tiny village full of people unlike myself, and experiences much of the trouble you seem to be going through) so I don't expect you to be able to simply walk away and make that happen - do you plan on going to university by any chance? That helped me in ways I can't begin to explain - you'd die of boredom by the time I was finished. If you do, then I believe that would also cover the intense need you seem to feel for emotional/intellectual connection with greater depth and substance (I grew up starved of this, then met like-minds at university and all of a sudden I felt able to connect properly and, more importantly, satisfyingly.)

To quickly address how you feel so vastly less masculine than the rest of malekind - that is very common for NF types. I don't really know how to advise you there, other than to say I honestly don't think it matters - growing up in a tiny rural village drowned me in butch, boorish, misogynistic bloke types, and it was a god damn nightmare till I moved away to university (and made NF friends).

As for feeling as though verbal communication does you and your views/opinions/judgements no justice, that doesn't surprise me at all. INFJs are especially prone to falling short in their verbal communication simply because what passes through our minds at the time feels so complex that it can't be translated into something those around us can work with, and I've personally found that writing is the way forward in that respect (many INFJs do) but I don't write a diary or blog or anything (I've taken to writing fiction novels - its a great creative outlet for giving your thoughts better shape with a theme and form that people can better relate to).

To conclude, it sounds like you are in desperate need of an outlet above all- do you have hobbies? Do you indulge in anything creative? And again, do you have plans on going to university?

If you can answer the above, I might be able to suggest something more practical, instead of merely sharing my own similar experiences with you. I do hope they provide you with some sort of useful insight though.
 

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I feel like I missed out on some lesson, some memo, or some type of brainwashing of some sort that makes me belong. I have friends that I hang out with frequently, but no matter how close I try to get with them (in a nonphysical way), I always feel like there's something missing. There's this emotional/intellectual intensity that I crave to get from others, but it's never quite fulfilled. No matter how many words I communicate with others, I feel like verbal communication cannot fulfill my need for connection with others. Words hardly ever fulfill my train of thought, and trying to translate my thoughts into words is so incredibly difficult for me, while I think for others' it is effortless.
Perhaps that is because Words of Encouragement is not your preferred love language. The other love languages are Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts. Knowing your love language can help you when you are trying to feel satisfied/have your emotional needs met.

I am a guy, however I do not fit/live up to the expectations of masculinity. I try to "act" masculine, yet it never "fools" anyone. I feel like a lost soul on this Earth, aimlessly wondering around on an alien planet. I can't escape this feeling of wanting to belong and to connect deeply, but it is never fulfilled.

I truly believe that I was not made for this planet, like I am not built to belong in society. I don't know what to do anymore, and I just live each day forcing myself to keep going, to see what the universe will throw my way; I'm all alone.
I understand what you're going through man. Being an NF male in the world today isn't easy, as it is so unlike the stereotypical expectations of masculinity. I had a really hard time fitting in when I was growing up too, but I can tell you that it does get better.

Don't try to conform to society. Now, don't intentionally rebel against society out of spite or for attention, but don't feel the need to be something you aren't. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Own it, unapologetically. Embrace who you are as an NF male, and be yourself. Stop caring about what other people think so much—if they don't accept you and they reject you, you don't want their approval or friendship anyway.

You've heard the story of the Ugly Duckling right? I feel like NF males are often the "ugly ducklings" of society when we're younger. But just wait—someday you'll be a beautiful swan, and your unique qualities will really shine.

Always remember that you are not alone—there are other guys that know how you feel, and we're here for you. :hugs:


Also, I don't want to push religion onto anyone or offend anyone, but as a Christian, I believe that this world is not our home, so we'll never completely feel like we belong here. And I believe that there's a void in every one of us that only God can fill with his love. I understand that some non-religious people see religion like Christianity as a crutch—and perhaps it is in some ways. But someone with a broken leg needs a crutch to walk, and there's nothing shameful about that. In the same way, someone with a broken heart needs hope to keep going, and I don't see anything wrong with putting faith in God if it works for someone.

@MusiCago stay strong and hang in there buddy. Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are—if everyone was the same, the world would be boring. You are awesome!
 

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I truly believe that I was not made for this planet, like I am not built to belong in society. I don't know what to do anymore, and I just live each day forcing myself to keep going, to see what the universe will throw my way; I'm all alone.
You'll learn to see this for the gift that it is in a few years.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
@MusiCago Honestly buddy, you sound a lot like myself in my teen years, only more intensely focused on your feelings of incompatibility in the world. I'm 25 now, and have long since escaped the kind of things you seem to be feeling, so perhaps I can share something useful.

I, like you, felt and still feel a profound sense of mind/body separation; I'm so uninvolved with the outside world that sometimes I feel as though my body might as well not even be there, like I'm sat in the back seat of my head watching the world unfold as it goes along. I actually quite like this though, as I've long since accepted that I'm an observer, not a participator - just because some of us don't participate doesn't mean we can't contribute, we just have to approach it from a different angle.

The overwhelming feeling of 'not fitting in' that you're experiencing is perfectly natural. Our sort of character, especially when younger, can really struggle to escape the weight of ego-centrism (feeling as though you're the centre of the universe); this is further exacerbated by feelings of loneliness, the cure for which (asides maturing out of it) I have found to be connecting with other people as to make your internal universe host to other, unique individuals other than yourself - this can be difficult to achieve however, especially if your individualism is circumstantial (e.g. I grew up in a tiny village full of people unlike myself, and experiences much of the trouble you seem to be going through) so I don't expect you to be able to simply walk away and make that happen - do you plan on going to university by any chance? That helped me in ways I can't begin to explain - you'd die of boredom by the time I was finished. If you do, then I believe that would also cover the intense need you seem to feel for emotional/intellectual connection with greater depth and substance (I grew up starved of this, then met like-minds at university and all of a sudden I felt able to connect properly and, more importantly, satisfyingly.)

To quickly address how you feel so vastly less masculine than the rest of malekind - that is very common for NF types. I don't really know how to advise you there, other than to say I honestly don't think it matters - growing up in a tiny rural village drowned me in butch, boorish, misogynistic bloke types, and it was a god damn nightmare till I moved away to university (and made NF friends).

As for feeling as though verbal communication does you and your views/opinions/judgements no justice, that doesn't surprise me at all. INFJs are especially prone to falling short in their verbal communication simply because what passes through our minds at the time feels so complex that it can't be translated into something those around us can work with, and I've personally found that writing is the way forward in that respect (many INFJs do) but I don't write a diary or blog or anything (I've taken to writing fiction novels - its a great creative outlet for giving your thoughts better shape with a theme and form that people can better relate to).

To conclude, it sounds like you are in desperate need of an outlet above all- do you have hobbies? Do you indulge in anything creative? And again, do you have plans on going to university?

If you can answer the above, I might be able to suggest something more practical, instead of merely sharing my own similar experiences with you. I do hope they provide you with some sort of useful insight though.
Thank you very much, what you wrote really hit home for me. I am from the big city of Chicago (I lived there when i was much younger for a while), but now I live in a boring, small, superficial suburban town an hour or so away from the city, with guys who are the complete opposite of me. I have like five guy friends (two being online ones), and the rest of my "friends" are girls (around 25-30 tops). I always assumed that this was because I'm definitely a "city boy", and I don't fit in with the "suburban jocks"; it's like we come from two complete opposite worlds. However, I'm not sure this is completely the case, and I think a lot of it just has to do with being an NF (especially an INFJ).

How do you just accept being an observer? I know I am an observer and I think/learn/know a lot, but I feel like I'm missing out on something, and it also makes me feel 'defective' in a way.

Also you are right about needing an outlet. I've tried to talk about it with a few friends, but they never quite understand (even my INFP friend didnt understand), so I did the last thing I could think of, and came to PerC about it. I'm glad I'm not alone and there's others that I can relate to on the matter. For hobbies I do Archery (which is getting old), I watch a lot of movies, I recently got into chess, and I sometimes play a video game lol. I try to hang out with friends a lot and go out to do teen things, but otherwise that's about it. I have a pretty boring life, I just focus a lot on myself and improving who i am as a person (im obviously an enneagram 1), I focus on those I love (even though when I'm moody from stress I get very cold and distant), and on school/my future. I listen to a lot of music, usually songs relate to what I'm feeling; lately ive been hyper focused on a "special someone" but it's not really working out and I've been in a lot of emotional stress lately (which is not helping my situation at all).
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Well guess what, i don't belong too. But guess what? I don't care about what people think. And guess what? You should too.
Lol it doesn't work like that.
 
I swear Fi users are clueless when it comes to being helpful in this kind of stuff.
 
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The ugly duckling is such a great analogy :smile: over time you just get more used to yourself; as well learning more about who you are or what fits you more naturally

I have felt alienated for as long as I remember. You could look at it in a different way though--what are the sorts of positive things these feelings say and could say?

How I got out of it--basically I made my own happiness. If I couldn't find the relationships, I'd make the one I wanted with myself. And outlets, lifestyle, helpful thoughts and helpful feelings all play a big part in being more at ease with your life.
No need to wait til university too..
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Really? Is it really hard for Fi users to ignore what people think about them?
What you said is the equivalent of you being like

"Hey my mom died, I'm really sad so now I'm going to talk about it and vent on an online forum for some advice and support".

Then all of a sudden I show up and just say

"Oh yea? Well my mom died too and I'm not bothered by it, so you shouldn't be either!"

As you can see, this isnt helpful at all to you, now is it? Like honestly in what world was what you posted even somewhat helpful?
 

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What you said is the equivalent of you being like

"Hey my mom died, I'm really sad so now I'm going to talk about it and vent on an online forum for some advice and support".

Then all of a sudden I show up and just say

"Oh yea? Well my mom died too and I'm not bothered by it, so you shouldn't be either!"

As you can see, this isnt helpful at all to you, now is it? Like honestly in what world was what you posted even somewhat helpful?
Well, do you want me to say what you want me to say?

Nopes.

You should remember we lived in the shared world. The world doesn't revolve around you.

Everyone doesn't really fit in.

All I'm saying is reality.

What I'm saying is. You're not alone and just remember that wtf.. Man. I was like walking in egg shells.

I've made my point. And dick up. Don't be a pussy. That's all.

You're easily butt hurt about my comment omg
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
Well, do you want me to say what you want me to say?

Nopes.

You should remember we lived in the shared world. The world doesn't revolve around you.

Everyone doesn't really fit in.

All I'm saying is reality.

What I'm saying is. You're not alone and just remember that wtf.. Man. I was like walking in egg shells.

I've made my point. And dick up. Don't be a pussy. That's all.

You're easily butt hurt about my comment omg
Some people need an outlet to talk about what they're going through. Also, you have the audacity to say i think the world revolves around me? Go back and read your first post.

I'm fully aware we live in a shared world, that's why my whole post is about wanting to feel like I belong. Did you even read what I wrote? I'm not butt-hurt over your first post, I just simply think you're extremely unhelpful is all. Then when I point it out and prove my point, you want to say thay I should stop thinking the world revolves around me and to not be a pussy? Are you for real? You either A) don't read half of what I write. Or B) are socially unskilled and are incapable of switching perspectives.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
What I'm saying is. You're not alone and just remember that
Maybe if you would have started off your first post with something like this, I would actually respect you and appreciate your post, for the record.
 

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I SO remember feeling this way when I was your age. It was like my intuition was on overdrive. I honestly felt like other people could see into me the way I could see into them, and it made me feel like I was being watched all the time. Since no one EVER understood my internal workings the way I understood theirs, all my relationships felt unbalanced and unequal. I was never (and still am not) into the superficial trappings of culture, and I can't shrug off things that really matter in favor of status or even peace of mind.

I guess all I can say to encourage you is that 20 years on things are much better. You will learn with practice how to wrangle your intuition and find its limitations. The eyes will eventually stop following you. You will learn to perspective shift and then come back to your own skin, and you'll learn that listening isn't agreeing and it doesn't have to mean experiencing. Hopefully you'll find long term friendships or partners who will see enough glimpses of the real you for you to feel known and loved, and you'll find a cause you can work your fingers off for that makes a real difference.

You're right ... you're not like other people. Thank goodness! The world has enough shallow, unaware people who lack insight and innovative thinking.

Sorry for the pedantic post ... young pup. :) I wish you the best!
 

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Thank you very much, what you wrote really hit home for me. I am from the big city of Chicago (I lived there when i was much younger for a while), but now I live in a boring, small, superficial suburban town an hour or so away from the city, with guys who are the complete opposite of me. I have like five guy friends (two being online ones), and the rest of my "friends" are girls (around 25-30 tops). I always assumed that this was because I'm definitely a "city boy", and I don't fit in with the "suburban jocks"; it's like we come from two complete opposite worlds. However, I'm not sure this is completely the case, and I think a lot of it just has to do with being an NF (especially an INFJ).

How do you just accept being an observer? I know I am an observer and I think/learn/know a lot, but I feel like I'm missing out on something, and it also makes me feel 'defective' in a way.

Also you are right about needing an outlet. I've tried to talk about it with a few friends, but they never quite understand (even my INFP friend didnt understand), so I did the last thing I could think of, and came to PerC about it. I'm glad I'm not alone and there's others that I can relate to on the matter. For hobbies I do Archery (which is getting old), I watch a lot of movies, I recently got into chess, and I sometimes play a video game lol. I try to hang out with friends a lot and go out to do teen things, but otherwise that's about it. I have a pretty boring life, I just focus a lot on myself and improving who i am as a person (im obviously an enneagram 1), I focus on those I love (even though when I'm moody from stress I get very cold and distant), and on school/my future. I listen to a lot of music, usually songs relate to what I'm feeling; lately ive been hyper focused on a "special someone" but it's not really working out and I've been in a lot of emotional stress lately (which is not helping my situation at all).
Oh well you're most welcome - I'm pleased you got something out of my waffling!

Living in small, clicky places really can be a pain in the arse when you feel as though what you need is something quite different; I'm actually a born and bred country boy, so I never experienced the alternative beforehand like yourself, yet I still felt totally out of place back when I lived there. Fortunately I'm a proper little escapist and was able to tune enough of it out with art and music. Stereotypes are really limited in small places too, which is why I think you tend to find the really masculine males living in small places - it's the easiest norm for them to abide by it seems, and it doesn't typically fit together well with the NF personality, especially the introverts.

As for how I accept being just an observer, it's a little complicated. On the one hand, I like the fact that I go about life taking more in than I am putting things out into the world, as you learn a lot - especially about people's behaviour, which I find endlessly interesting in a psychological context - but then on the other hand, I've just come to (or rather, had to) accept that I'm simply a lonely character; it isn't inherently a negative thing, it's just not as superficially compatible with a world that, for the most part, rewards the opposite (ie. extroverted behaviours). There's a sort of poetic sadness to it, and us NFs love all hat bollocks don't we? (I didn't use to though - that came with time).

Just to expand on what you've described of your outlets - do you put any time into anything creative? I only emphasise that again because I can't imagine how frustrated I would have been in my teen years without illustration, graphic design and music (singing/guitar/piano) and so I'm curious as to what your options might be there?
 

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Lol I'm not being a pussy, you're just kind-of an insensitive selfish bitch.

Some people need an outlet to talk about what they're going through. Also, you have the audacity to say i think the world revolves around me? Go back and read your first post, hypocrite.

I'm fully aware we live in a shared world, that's why my whole post is about wanting to feel like I belong. Did you even read what I wrote? I'm not butt-hurt over your first post, I just simply think you're extremely unhelpful is all. Then when I point it out and prove my point, you want to say thay I should stop thinking the world revolves around me and to not be a pussy? Are you for real? You either A) don't read half of what I write. Or B) are socially unskilled and are incapable of switching perspectives. Also it's hard to make sense of what you write considering your sentence structure looks like it belongs to an 8th grader (if I'm being absolutely blunt, since you like to do the same).
Ok sorry. It's actually A.

I didn't read. XD
 
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