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89 Posts
@MusiCago Honestly buddy, you sound a lot like myself in my teen years, only more intensely focused on your feelings of incompatibility in the world. I'm 25 now, and have long since escaped the kind of things you seem to be feeling, so perhaps I can share something useful.
I, like you, felt and still feel a profound sense of mind/body separation; I'm so uninvolved with the outside world that sometimes I feel as though my body might as well not even be there, like I'm sat in the back seat of my head watching the world unfold as it goes along. I actually quite like this though, as I've long since accepted that I'm an observer, not a participator - just because some of us don't participate doesn't mean we can't contribute, we just have to approach it from a different angle.
The overwhelming feeling of 'not fitting in' that you're experiencing is perfectly natural. Our sort of character, especially when younger, can really struggle to escape the weight of ego-centrism (feeling as though you're the centre of the universe); this is further exacerbated by feelings of loneliness, the cure for which (asides maturing out of it) I have found to be connecting with other people as to make your internal universe host to other, unique individuals other than yourself - this can be difficult to achieve however, especially if your individualism is circumstantial (e.g. I grew up in a tiny village full of people unlike myself, and experiences much of the trouble you seem to be going through) so I don't expect you to be able to simply walk away and make that happen - do you plan on going to university by any chance? That helped me in ways I can't begin to explain - you'd die of boredom by the time I was finished. If you do, then I believe that would also cover the intense need you seem to feel for emotional/intellectual connection with greater depth and substance (I grew up starved of this, then met like-minds at university and all of a sudden I felt able to connect properly and, more importantly, satisfyingly.)
To quickly address how you feel so vastly less masculine than the rest of malekind - that is very common for NF types. I don't really know how to advise you there, other than to say I honestly don't think it matters - growing up in a tiny rural village drowned me in butch, boorish, misogynistic bloke types, and it was a god damn nightmare till I moved away to university (and made NF friends).
As for feeling as though verbal communication does you and your views/opinions/judgements no justice, that doesn't surprise me at all. INFJs are especially prone to falling short in their verbal communication simply because what passes through our minds at the time feels so complex that it can't be translated into something those around us can work with, and I've personally found that writing is the way forward in that respect (many INFJs do) but I don't write a diary or blog or anything (I've taken to writing fiction novels - its a great creative outlet for giving your thoughts better shape with a theme and form that people can better relate to).
To conclude, it sounds like you are in desperate need of an outlet above all- do you have hobbies? Do you indulge in anything creative? And again, do you have plans on going to university?
If you can answer the above, I might be able to suggest something more practical, instead of merely sharing my own similar experiences with you. I do hope they provide you with some sort of useful insight though.
I, like you, felt and still feel a profound sense of mind/body separation; I'm so uninvolved with the outside world that sometimes I feel as though my body might as well not even be there, like I'm sat in the back seat of my head watching the world unfold as it goes along. I actually quite like this though, as I've long since accepted that I'm an observer, not a participator - just because some of us don't participate doesn't mean we can't contribute, we just have to approach it from a different angle.
The overwhelming feeling of 'not fitting in' that you're experiencing is perfectly natural. Our sort of character, especially when younger, can really struggle to escape the weight of ego-centrism (feeling as though you're the centre of the universe); this is further exacerbated by feelings of loneliness, the cure for which (asides maturing out of it) I have found to be connecting with other people as to make your internal universe host to other, unique individuals other than yourself - this can be difficult to achieve however, especially if your individualism is circumstantial (e.g. I grew up in a tiny village full of people unlike myself, and experiences much of the trouble you seem to be going through) so I don't expect you to be able to simply walk away and make that happen - do you plan on going to university by any chance? That helped me in ways I can't begin to explain - you'd die of boredom by the time I was finished. If you do, then I believe that would also cover the intense need you seem to feel for emotional/intellectual connection with greater depth and substance (I grew up starved of this, then met like-minds at university and all of a sudden I felt able to connect properly and, more importantly, satisfyingly.)
To quickly address how you feel so vastly less masculine than the rest of malekind - that is very common for NF types. I don't really know how to advise you there, other than to say I honestly don't think it matters - growing up in a tiny rural village drowned me in butch, boorish, misogynistic bloke types, and it was a god damn nightmare till I moved away to university (and made NF friends).
As for feeling as though verbal communication does you and your views/opinions/judgements no justice, that doesn't surprise me at all. INFJs are especially prone to falling short in their verbal communication simply because what passes through our minds at the time feels so complex that it can't be translated into something those around us can work with, and I've personally found that writing is the way forward in that respect (many INFJs do) but I don't write a diary or blog or anything (I've taken to writing fiction novels - its a great creative outlet for giving your thoughts better shape with a theme and form that people can better relate to).
To conclude, it sounds like you are in desperate need of an outlet above all- do you have hobbies? Do you indulge in anything creative? And again, do you have plans on going to university?
If you can answer the above, I might be able to suggest something more practical, instead of merely sharing my own similar experiences with you. I do hope they provide you with some sort of useful insight though.