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I feel like I don't belong (vent)

[INFJ] 
5K views 55 replies 24 participants last post by  MusiCago 
@MusiCago Honestly buddy, you sound a lot like myself in my teen years, only more intensely focused on your feelings of incompatibility in the world. I'm 25 now, and have long since escaped the kind of things you seem to be feeling, so perhaps I can share something useful.

I, like you, felt and still feel a profound sense of mind/body separation; I'm so uninvolved with the outside world that sometimes I feel as though my body might as well not even be there, like I'm sat in the back seat of my head watching the world unfold as it goes along. I actually quite like this though, as I've long since accepted that I'm an observer, not a participator - just because some of us don't participate doesn't mean we can't contribute, we just have to approach it from a different angle.

The overwhelming feeling of 'not fitting in' that you're experiencing is perfectly natural. Our sort of character, especially when younger, can really struggle to escape the weight of ego-centrism (feeling as though you're the centre of the universe); this is further exacerbated by feelings of loneliness, the cure for which (asides maturing out of it) I have found to be connecting with other people as to make your internal universe host to other, unique individuals other than yourself - this can be difficult to achieve however, especially if your individualism is circumstantial (e.g. I grew up in a tiny village full of people unlike myself, and experiences much of the trouble you seem to be going through) so I don't expect you to be able to simply walk away and make that happen - do you plan on going to university by any chance? That helped me in ways I can't begin to explain - you'd die of boredom by the time I was finished. If you do, then I believe that would also cover the intense need you seem to feel for emotional/intellectual connection with greater depth and substance (I grew up starved of this, then met like-minds at university and all of a sudden I felt able to connect properly and, more importantly, satisfyingly.)

To quickly address how you feel so vastly less masculine than the rest of malekind - that is very common for NF types. I don't really know how to advise you there, other than to say I honestly don't think it matters - growing up in a tiny rural village drowned me in butch, boorish, misogynistic bloke types, and it was a god damn nightmare till I moved away to university (and made NF friends).

As for feeling as though verbal communication does you and your views/opinions/judgements no justice, that doesn't surprise me at all. INFJs are especially prone to falling short in their verbal communication simply because what passes through our minds at the time feels so complex that it can't be translated into something those around us can work with, and I've personally found that writing is the way forward in that respect (many INFJs do) but I don't write a diary or blog or anything (I've taken to writing fiction novels - its a great creative outlet for giving your thoughts better shape with a theme and form that people can better relate to).

To conclude, it sounds like you are in desperate need of an outlet above all- do you have hobbies? Do you indulge in anything creative? And again, do you have plans on going to university?

If you can answer the above, I might be able to suggest something more practical, instead of merely sharing my own similar experiences with you. I do hope they provide you with some sort of useful insight though.
 
Thank you very much, what you wrote really hit home for me. I am from the big city of Chicago (I lived there when i was much younger for a while), but now I live in a boring, small, superficial suburban town an hour or so away from the city, with guys who are the complete opposite of me. I have like five guy friends (two being online ones), and the rest of my "friends" are girls (around 25-30 tops). I always assumed that this was because I'm definitely a "city boy", and I don't fit in with the "suburban jocks"; it's like we come from two complete opposite worlds. However, I'm not sure this is completely the case, and I think a lot of it just has to do with being an NF (especially an INFJ).

How do you just accept being an observer? I know I am an observer and I think/learn/know a lot, but I feel like I'm missing out on something, and it also makes me feel 'defective' in a way.

Also you are right about needing an outlet. I've tried to talk about it with a few friends, but they never quite understand (even my INFP friend didnt understand), so I did the last thing I could think of, and came to PerC about it. I'm glad I'm not alone and there's others that I can relate to on the matter. For hobbies I do Archery (which is getting old), I watch a lot of movies, I recently got into chess, and I sometimes play a video game lol. I try to hang out with friends a lot and go out to do teen things, but otherwise that's about it. I have a pretty boring life, I just focus a lot on myself and improving who i am as a person (im obviously an enneagram 1), I focus on those I love (even though when I'm moody from stress I get very cold and distant), and on school/my future. I listen to a lot of music, usually songs relate to what I'm feeling; lately ive been hyper focused on a "special someone" but it's not really working out and I've been in a lot of emotional stress lately (which is not helping my situation at all).
Oh well you're most welcome - I'm pleased you got something out of my waffling!

Living in small, clicky places really can be a pain in the arse when you feel as though what you need is something quite different; I'm actually a born and bred country boy, so I never experienced the alternative beforehand like yourself, yet I still felt totally out of place back when I lived there. Fortunately I'm a proper little escapist and was able to tune enough of it out with art and music. Stereotypes are really limited in small places too, which is why I think you tend to find the really masculine males living in small places - it's the easiest norm for them to abide by it seems, and it doesn't typically fit together well with the NF personality, especially the introverts.

As for how I accept being just an observer, it's a little complicated. On the one hand, I like the fact that I go about life taking more in than I am putting things out into the world, as you learn a lot - especially about people's behaviour, which I find endlessly interesting in a psychological context - but then on the other hand, I've just come to (or rather, had to) accept that I'm simply a lonely character; it isn't inherently a negative thing, it's just not as superficially compatible with a world that, for the most part, rewards the opposite (ie. extroverted behaviours). There's a sort of poetic sadness to it, and us NFs love all hat bollocks don't we? (I didn't use to though - that came with time).

Just to expand on what you've described of your outlets - do you put any time into anything creative? I only emphasise that again because I can't imagine how frustrated I would have been in my teen years without illustration, graphic design and music (singing/guitar/piano) and so I'm curious as to what your options might be there?
 
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