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Discussion Starter #1
Hi, ISTJ's!

I have an ISTJ friend and we have known each other for about 25 years now. I have always felt like he never puts in as much effort as I do to maintain contact. Most of the time, I have to initiate phone calls and invitations to hang out. When we do speak we have enjoyable conversations that can last quite a while and we have fun when we do stuff.

But why does he not initiate more? Is this common with ISTJ's?

Thanks.
 

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Have you two made it a "regular" thing? (EG Friday lunchtime weekly.) Or do you do "ad-hoc" get-togethers? (EG whenever you feel like or remember it.)

By the sound of it, it's ad-hoc. To me, that's merely an acquaintanceship - a "we get together randomly whenever X has the time". A true friend makes it a regular thing, every week (almost) without fail - then I would reciprocate in kind.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Have you two made it a "regular" thing? (EG Friday lunchtime weekly.) Or do you do "ad-hoc" get-togethers? (EG whenever you feel like or remember it.)

By the sound of it, it's ad-hoc. To me, that's merely an acquaintanceship - a "we get together randomly whenever X has the time". A true friend makes it a regular thing, every week (almost) without fail - then I would reciprocate in kind.
Well, we met in high school back in the early 1990's and we were constantly hanging with one another, going out and doing stuff etc. I like to think we were way past the acquaintance stage. He actually moved away 10 years ago, and while we keep in touch, it is mostly me that initiates the contact. But you should recall that the situation was kind of the same when we lived in the same town. I was doing most of the calling and coming up with plans to do things.

He's always sounded interested when we do communicate and are together, and I never get the feeling that he is just doing it for my sake.
 

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ahh I'm totally guilty of this haha. I'll contact my friends if f I run into something that actively reminds me of that specific person, but otherwise it's a very conscious effort on my part to set up times to talk to them. I would say the reason is twofold: the first is that I don't feel that I have to maintain my friendships--they just are, and time or distance doesn't make them fade so easily. The second reason is that I just get so caught up with day to day affairs that it can slip my mind for months...years.

I think it's also a function of nurture and depth of introversion. I know someone who is extremely introverted, and he contacts 0 of his friends, ever. That said, he calls home very regularly, likely because he's used to updating them every week and it's become a habit.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
ahh I'm totally guilty of this haha. I'll contact my friends if f I run into something that actively reminds me of that specific person, but otherwise it's a very conscious effort on my part to set up times to talk to them. I would say the reason is twofold: the first is that I don't feel that I have to maintain my friendships--they just are, and time or distance doesn't make them fade so easily. The second reason is that I just get so caught up with day to day affairs that it can slip my mind for months...years.

I think it's also a function of nurture and depth of introversion. I know someone who is extremely introverted, and he contacts 0 of his friends, ever. That said, he calls home very regularly, likely because he's used to updating them every week and it's become a habit.
Thanks, that makes a lot of sense.

Yes, when he comes to visit he will always make it a priority to call home just to tell them that he has arrived safe etc. I guess that, in his eyes, he does not see that there is anything up but I wouldn't know how to raise this issue with him in a casual manner. Perhaps I just need to accept that this is the way it always will be and not take offense.
 

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Hi, ISTJ's!

I have an ISTJ friend and we have known each other for about 25 years now. I have always felt like he never puts in as much effort as I do to maintain contact. Most of the time, I have to initiate phone calls and invitations to hang out. When we do speak we have enjoyable conversations that can last quite a while and we have fun when we do stuff.

But why does he not initiate more? Is this common with ISTJ's?

Thanks.
It was always like that for me until a point came in getting "older". I just got my Feeling side starting to develop or something like that. Whatever it is, the thing is that this* made me more attentive to actively maintaining contact.

Until then, people either contacted me or I'd just fall oblivious about the whole thing with relationships and people. (But even then, I would always be very responsive to people I cared for, if they contacted me.)

The other part of this is that it does take a long time for me to see someone as a close friend, but in your case apparently that's not a factor.


*: I'm not entirely sure if this change for me made the quality of my relationships better, but maybe. This is still confusing, complex topics for me. So jury's still out on this one.


Thanks, that makes a lot of sense.

Yes, when he comes to visit he will always make it a priority to call home just to tell them that he has arrived safe etc. I guess that, in his eyes, he does not see that there is anything up but I wouldn't know how to raise this issue with him in a casual manner. Perhaps I just need to accept that this is the way it always will be and not take offense.
I don't entirely understand the problem - if he's always responsive to your initiative then he cares fine and he puts in the "effort" himself. If the problem was that he isn't often responsive, I'd understand the issue. My guess is he's used to you always doing the contacting and that there is no dark secret behind this, of being uncaring about you heh. You can try and not contact him for a while if you are tired of doing so, but if he's always responsive then again I'm not sure why it feels tiring to you? I'm sorry for not entirely being able to follow this issue. Do explain more, if you want.


Have you two made it a "regular" thing? (EG Friday lunchtime weekly.) Or do you do "ad-hoc" get-togethers? (EG whenever you feel like or remember it.)

By the sound of it, it's ad-hoc. To me, that's merely an acquaintanceship - a "we get together randomly whenever X has the time". A true friend makes it a regular thing, every week (almost) without fail - then I would reciprocate in kind.
Mind saying more on how you determined this is part of true friendship for you? I'm really interested.


ahh I'm totally guilty of this haha. I'll contact my friends if f I run into something that actively reminds me of that specific person, but otherwise it's a very conscious effort on my part to set up times to talk to them. I would say the reason is twofold: the first is that I don't feel that I have to maintain my friendships--they just are, and time or distance doesn't make them fade so easily. The second reason is that I just get so caught up with day to day affairs that it can slip my mind for months...years.

I think it's also a function of nurture and depth of introversion. I know someone who is extremely introverted, and he contacts 0 of his friends, ever. That said, he calls home very regularly, likely because he's used to updating them every week and it's become a habit.
The one little thing I don't get here is - why does it take much conscious effort to go talk to them? If it's a person you really like and you usually have good fun times together, why?
 

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Have you two made it a "regular" thing? (EG Friday lunchtime weekly.) Or do you do "ad-hoc" get-togethers? (EG whenever you feel like or remember it.)

By the sound of it, it's ad-hoc. To me, that's merely an acquaintanceship - a "we get together randomly whenever X has the time". A true friend makes it a regular thing, every week (almost) without fail - then I would reciprocate in kind.
Mind saying more on how you determined this is part of true friendship for you? I'm really interested.
Think activities.

You get together with a group of people, they do things. Might be dancing, food, walking, whatever. You join in.

After a while you start suggesting a couple of similar things. Vague interest. Maybe one or two show.

Suggest something. A bit more interest. A month passes, suggest it again: "Hey, we really should go do this." Response: "Oh, we did that last weekend."

No invite. Nothing. Zero effort on their part. In fact, deliberate exclusion.

When these people are being lip-service polite. When effectively I am making all the effort, and all that I get is that lip-service politeness in response. In person only.

These types are not friendly. Certainly not friends of mine. Nor are they interested in becoming friends in any way/shape/form.

It might be that my face-to-face personality is completely bad. Which is really weird, because there actually are (or were) complete assholes and shitbags in that group, and boy were they popular. Which in retrospect tells me a whole lot about that group.

My response ended up being a rather large finger to the lot of them. Including privately telling one of them that the rest were a f'n unfriendly bunch of assholes and I'd sooner cosy up with a bunch of ticks and fleas and other assorted nasty lice.

That particular person I make a weekly effort to stay in contact with. He reciprocates. I would not put us as "close friends" - yet I do say that we are friends. (Occasionally we swap tools and stuff - hey, I trust him with that, and ditto - and might help with something that needs doing.)
 
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Think activities.

You get together with a group of people, they do things. Might be dancing, food, walking, whatever. You join in.

After a while you start suggesting a couple of similar things. Vague interest. Maybe one or two show.

Suggest something. A bit more interest. A month passes, suggest it again: "Hey, we really should go do this." Response: "Oh, we did that last weekend."

No invite. Nothing. Zero effort on their part. In fact, deliberate exclusion.
Hmm. How do you know it was deliberate? Also these people in the group, did they know each other longer than you?

Just trying to get more context. I do think it was very rude, what you describe here.


When these people are being lip-service polite. When effectively I am making all the effort, and all that I get is that lip-service politeness in response. In person only.

These types are not friendly. Certainly not friends of mine. Nor are they interested in becoming friends in any way/shape/form.
I would agree that there was no interest from them.


It might be that my face-to-face personality is completely bad. Which is really weird, because there actually are (or were) complete assholes and shitbags in that group, and boy were they popular. Which in retrospect tells me a whole lot about that group.

My response ended up being a rather large finger to the lot of them. Including privately telling one of them that the rest were a f'n unfriendly bunch of assholes and I'd sooner cosy up with a bunch of ticks and fleas and other assorted nasty lice.
Nice response. :laughing:


That particular person I make a weekly effort to stay in contact with. He reciprocates. I would not put us as "close friends" - yet I do say that we are friends. (Occasionally we swap tools and stuff - hey, I trust him with that, and ditto - and might help with something that needs doing.)
Hm. You have only this one friend atm? (If you don't mind me asking.)

I've been lately trying to reevaluate a few things in this area, about who counts as a friend and who doesn't and why. I find people can get incredibly thoughtless in seemingly basic and yet very important things - and unexpectedly, at the worst possible moments. :shocked: :headscratching:
 

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PerC is being extremely stupid, not allowing me to do a reply-with-quote. *sigh*@grumpytiger
Hmm. How do you know it was deliberate? Also these people in the group, did they know each other longer than you?Just trying to get more context. I do think it was very rude, what you describe here.
Yes, they had known each other for longer than me. On the other hand, I'd known them by that point some 2 1/2 years.
Hm. You have only this one friend atm? (If you don't mind me asking.)
I have three other friends. We are 1 and 2 hours drive apart. We make the effort to go and do things every couple of weeks to a month apart. (They have families.)Also family, though I'm currently on the outs with the family up in Auckland - pack of bastards, that branch.
 

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Hi, ISTJ's!

I have an ISTJ friend and we have known each other for about 25 years now. I have always felt like he never puts in as much effort as I do to maintain contact. Most of the time, I have to initiate phone calls and invitations to hang out. When we do speak we have enjoyable conversations that can last quite a while and we have fun when we do stuff.

But why does he not initiate more? Is this common with ISTJ's?

Thanks.
It is for me. I am very, very bad at starting conversations or seeking people (going to their place, inviting to go somewhere, etc). My long lasting friends know that and they work around this weakness accordingly, but it does make keeping new friends a struggle at times. In my case, at least, it doesn't mean I don't care about my friends... It is just how I am.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
After calling him a couple of times he called back after he was unreachable. He is okay once I initiate and call first and when there is a scenario where he can't answer the call but he will not make contact first. I guess you guys are so laid back and maybe more focused on systematic things rather than emotional stuff that it just does not come naturally to you to focus on that area of life? Please correct me if I am wrong.

In any case, me and my friend have made plans to catch up in the new year and everything is good. I will just have to accept that this is how it will always be with me taking the lead.
 

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After calling him a couple of times he called back after he was unreachable. He is okay once I initiate and call first and when there is a scenario where he can't answer the call but he will not make contact first. I guess you guys are so laid back and maybe more focused on systematic things rather than emotional stuff that it just does not come naturally to you to focus on that area of life? Please correct me if I am wrong.

In any case, me and my friend have made plans to catch up in the new year and everything is good. I will just have to accept that this is how it will always be with me taking the lead.
For me it's simple obliviousness about relationships/emotional touchy-feely stuff as I stated before, did you read my post mine above in reply to your OP? Yes, the obliviousness happens because of focusing on the "systematic things", but I wouldn't call it being laid-back, that's not how I see myself.

Does it feel tiring to contact him because you are an introvert yourself? Even though I'm an introverted type, with this new awareness I don't mind contacting people at times that I care about, I just find I really dislike it if they are not responsive to that initiative. Your friend seems to be responsive though.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
For me it's simple obliviousness about relationships/emotional touchy-feely stuff as I stated before, did you read my post mine above in reply to your OP? Yes, the obliviousness happens because of focusing on the "systematic things", but I wouldn't call it being laid-back, that's not how I see myself.

Does it feel tiring to contact him because you are an introvert yourself? Even though I'm an introverted type, with this new awareness I don't mind contacting people at times that I care about, I just find I really dislike it if they are not responsive to that initiative. Your friend seems to be responsive though.
Yes, I did read your post. Thank you for your response. It was helpful.

We only keep in contact once or twice a month so I don't feel it is tiring. It would feel that way if we were in contact much more frequently. My best friend is an ESTP male, and even though his intentions are always good, he can be tiring since he loves to keep in contact most days.
 
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