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So, I decided to open a new discussion here on the forum motivated by recent events with an ENFJ girl, the kind of thing that bugs an INTJ's mind and I can't help to seek some perspectives if you will.

Here's the narrative:
Let's say that I met this ENFJ about five months ago on a dating app, we texted a lot before the first date, she told me about her past experiences and breakups, among other stuff. I felt a connection and I thought she did too. Anyways, we had a first date and we went all the way, physically speaking, then we had a couple of other dates. Right after that, she told me that her last breakup was not that long ago and she was still processing it, looking to meet new people and casual relationships, that she was too hurt and gave up on the idea of romantic love. She was also trying to rebuild herself, be more independent. To it, I said I do look for a substantial relationship, that I enjoy romance, and I couldn't be physical with her because to me sex would lead to romantic feelings, but I quite enjoyed her company, so we could be platonic friends, respecting each other limits, but still enjoying our conversations and hanging out. It didn't happen, we saw each other one more time, sexually. Ok.
Then the quarantine started.
We continued to talk a lot through text, some voice recording, we went like that for quite some time, sharing deeper thoughts and our daily lives, showing some work we did while in-home, discussing ideas, that sort of stuff. Oh, and flirting, that too. I thought we were indeed getting closer, even if the circumstances weren't ideal at all and she didn't want to make any calls because of privacy - we're both gay, she isn't out and lives with her mom, I could get that. Then, suddenly, she withdraws - a bit after the third month we met, right after she gives up last-minute time on a call she said she would make with me. Well, I was developing romantic feelings for her, I knew that, so I noticed the withdraw and felt a bit pained by it all, but I thought not only I was being unreasonable, not only because we didn't know each other for long, not only because we both developed a lot of this whole thing online, but also because she said she wasn't looking for this kind of relationship. Until she started to noticeably ignore me. Well, I'm an anxious person with no real ability in dealing with people, so I thought to myself the best I could do for me was to understand the situation and be honest with her. So I asked her why she withdrew and how we should proceed. I also decided to tell her about my feelings about it all, rather bluntly perhaps. I guess she felt attacked and withdrew even more, eventually, after some pushing on my part, she told me I had a wrong impression of her, that I only saw the good side of her, that she knew the quarantine made things intense and a bit symbiotic, that I should focus on me and develop myself (WTF?), and, finally, that she had changed her perception of me, that it hurts her to cut all contact, but I was asking way more than she could give. Well, I confess it ignited my anxiety.
You see, I never intended to push more than she could give, I understood that she wasn't interested in romanticism. I told her about my feelings because, well, I thought she should know why it hurt that she was pushing me off, why I was asking for clarification since it didn't feel too casual for me, and that I was worried about her, especially in this isolation period, but I certainly could deal with my inappropriate feelings. I did know it was quite a rebound situation for her, I wasn't judging her or anything, I can handle the truths, so it felt a lot like a projection on her part to presume I was pushing for more. We're not talking anymore, after she, in my last push towards the truth, told I was not being respectful towards her and she wondered if we could be friends. But I still wonder:


1. How ENFJs deal with breakups? How do they feel about a rebound?
2. What would make an ENFJ change its mind about a person in this situation and withdraw?
3. Why would she be so offended because I asked direct questions or ignore so completely my feelings?
4. Whatever insight you might have on the situation at hand, ha.
 

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So, I decided to open a new discussion here on the forum motivated by recent events with an ENFJ girl, the kind of thing that bugs an INTJ's mind and I can't help to seek some perspectives if you will.

Here's the narrative:
Let's say that I met this ENFJ about five months ago on a dating app, we texted a lot before the first date, she told me about her past experiences and breakups, among other stuff. I felt a connection and I thought she did too. Anyways, we had a first date and we went all the way, physically speaking, then we had a couple of other dates. Right after that, she told me that her last breakup was not that long ago and she was still processing it, looking to meet new people and casual relationships, that she was too hurt and gave up on the idea of romantic love. She was also trying to rebuild herself, be more independent. To it, I said I do look for a substantial relationship, that I enjoy romance, and I couldn't be physical with her because to me sex would lead to romantic feelings, but I quite enjoyed her company, so we could be platonic friends, respecting each other limits, but still enjoying our conversations and hanging out. It didn't happen, we saw each other one more time, sexually. Ok.
Then the quarantine started.
We continued to talk a lot through text, some voice recording, we went like that for quite some time, sharing deeper thoughts and our daily lives, showing some work we did while in-home, discussing ideas, that sort of stuff. Oh, and flirting, that too. I thought we were indeed getting closer, even if the circumstances weren't ideal at all and she didn't want to make any calls because of privacy - we're both gay, she isn't out and lives with her mom, I could get that. Then, suddenly, she withdraws - a bit after the third month we met, right after she gives up last-minute time on a call she said she would make with me. Well, I was developing romantic feelings for her, I knew that, so I noticed the withdraw and felt a bit pained by it all, but I thought not only I was being unreasonable, not only because we didn't know each other for long, not only because we both developed a lot of this whole thing online, but also because she said she wasn't looking for this kind of relationship. Until she started to noticeably ignore me. Well, I'm an anxious person with no real ability in dealing with people, so I thought to myself the best I could do for me was to understand the situation and be honest with her. So I asked her why she withdrew and how we should proceed. I also decided to tell her about my feelings about it all, rather bluntly perhaps. I guess she felt attacked and withdrew even more, eventually, after some pushing on my part, she told me I had a wrong impression of her, that I only saw the good side of her, that she knew the quarantine made things intense and a bit symbiotic, that I should focus on me and develop myself (WTF?), and, finally, that she had changed her perception of me, that it hurts her to cut all contact, but I was asking way more than she could give. Well, I confess it ignited my anxiety.
You see, I never intended to push more than she could give, I understood that she wasn't interested in romanticism. I told her about my feelings because, well, I thought she should know why it hurt that she was pushing me off, why I was asking for clarification since it didn't feel too casual for me, and that I was worried about her, especially in this isolation period, but I certainly could deal with my inappropriate feelings. I did know it was quite a rebound situation for her, I wasn't judging her or anything, I can handle the truths, so it felt a lot like a projection on her part to presume I was pushing for more. We're not talking anymore, after she, in my last push towards the truth, told I was not being respectful towards her and she wondered if we could be friends. But I still wonder:


1. How ENFJs deal with breakups? How do they feel about a rebound?
2. What would make an ENFJ change its mind about a person in this situation and withdraw?
3. Why would she be so offended because I asked direct questions or ignore so completely my feelings?
4. Whatever insight you might have on the situation at hand, ha.
Hey, I'm an ENFJ (and not exactly a dating expert) but I'll try to answer these questions from my perspective, to the best of my abilities;

1)Not that well at all.Since most of us are so well versed with the dynamics of human relationships and get very invested in long term relationships because we flourish almost when we're supporting someone, we usually have a hard time letting go and blame ourselves afterwards.We do move on, but we bear this burden in our hearts.I personally will never go for a rebound, so I really can't say.

2)Personally, I feel she might've suddenly withdrawn because she felt like she wasn't ready for a relationship throughout- she wanted to focus on building/developing herself(strength of character, self esteem,investing in oneself, that sort of thing) and picking up the pieces, and I suppose at the end,she prioritized that over a relationship. I personally would've withdrawn out of fear of leading someone great on, when I'm not ready myself.Especially with the backdrop of quarantine, she might've felt things were getting too serious for her comfort.

3)She seems to be having issues with herself,I guess.She's not offended or ignoring your feelings on purpose,she's just going through some inner problems and is confused in general.I suppose she was caught off guard and let her anxiety about something control her actions, assuming she's a healthy ENFJ usually.Also, she said you should 'develop yourself' with authenticity somewhere, but it was an excuse.

4)It's alright to be confused and end up being direct. I've been there too, and the anxiety makes it worse.Something about cognitive dissonance,I guess.But in this case there are really 2 things you can do in this situation.I know it will seem difficult at first, but decide swiftly to move on as there are plenty of other people out there who can share the same connection with you and still be emotionally mature and sure of themselves and what they feel about the depth of the relationship.Alternatively, if you and this girl shared an impeccable bond, you can lessen the importance you're giving to the relationship and focus on your other pursuits while casually reaching out again I suppose.Show her that you're willing to be what she wants you to be(a casual fling), and try to change her perception without getting too invested yourself.But this can be very difficult if you're an anxious person and I've seen this work rarely, in my experience.

My opinion?
Let it go.Find someone who's as devoted to the relationship as you are.Time will heal, don't worry.
(I hope this might help a bit)
 

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Im an ENFJ female and sad to say....She isn't into you. It appears that she tested out the situation and even said she is looking for casual relationships and if I read this correctly, you guys went all the way on your first date? So she saw you as a casual encounter and from what I researched, you guys are not into casual.
As hard as it may be for you, it looks like you need to move on...She isn't going to budge and you will save yourself some additional heartache if you continue to pursue her.
I'm sorry.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
So, I read all the replies and I thank you all, especially you, sanskrE.T.. Yeah, I do realize that she doesn't like me as I'd like her to. In the end, we've been talking again, I think we cleared the air, she's still processing her breakup and some other things that's been going on on her life, focusing on her stuff and she's a bit depressed. I decided to not pursue her anymore in this capacity, just as a friend, which is working fine for us both, I do like talking to her. And, as they say, plenty of fishes in the sea for romantic endeavours.
In my mind, quarantine is quite a complicated time, it just seemed strange to me how things developed, seems natural to seek out some connection and I had worried if she was alright. It's not as she wasn't heavily invested until a certain point, months even, but in the end, my guess she's really not in a moment in her life for that, too soon and in a too bizarre conjecture on top of that, and my pressure-almost-ultimatum didn't settle well. Perhaps another time, perhaps never, in any case, just let things take their course.
 
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