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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Here's a post I made in a venting thread...
"I have some kind of problem and my emotions are very intense, unpredictable. Easter day, I woke up too early with too little sleep and was just in a bad mood, but in the night, I started feeling things which were the beginning of a really bad depressive episode for me

I ended up feeling better Wednesday, actually, I felt fucking great for most of the day. But my twitter friend(and don't take it lightly because we're still very close) said something and it just set me off...I couldn't think rationally, so I just took it personally and overreacted and basically, it brought me back down, which wasn't her fault, I'm just having a weird episode. After that, I tried apologizing, but she just ignored it all

Another thing is, sometimes because my mind doesn't work rationally, I feel as if all I am is annoying and a burden, so I feel like just walking away from everyone, especially her since I'm closest to her. And I had hurt her earlier in the week by saying I wanted to leave, but I explained myself to her and we just went on

It's Sunday, of course, and she still hasn't talked to me or acknowledged me, but she hasn't unfollowed me on twitter so I'm thinking maybe that means she might be ready to talk later... don't know if maybe she still has unresolved feelings from when I said what I did about wanting to leave or if she doesn't know how to handle my emotions right now since she's busy, which I know she is

She did always say she accepted me in all my craziness and with all my emotions, so I don't think she'd just reject me because of those. And I feel as if she's a very understanding person as she has been and knows I can't control my emotions sometimes, even though I know it's hard

I don't know if she wants me to leave her alone or if she wants me to keep trying or something..."

Obviously, now it's Monday, but that's not so important...
In the past she's seemed to take personally the implication that she's not so loyal to our friendship or to me, so I don't know if maybe my being offended by what she said might have made her upset for that reason

I don't have a lot of experience with people so it's hard for me to understand why she might be doing this...She's definitely been online and talking a bit with other people as much as she has time for
 

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You're both doing the whole "ignore the people-problem until one of you stops being mad/scared/embarassed" thing, it'd be better if you initiate the whole love-dovey thing, more control.

As for said lovey-dovey thing?
Uhhh... it involves being direct and not blunt, if I remember right. Someone else can explain better probably.
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You're both doing the whole "ignore the people-problem until one of you stops being mad/scared/embarassed" thing, it'd be better if you initiate the whole love-dovey thing, more control.

As for said lovey-dovey thing?
Uhhh... it involves being direct and not blunt, if I remember right. Someone else can explain better probably.
Could you try explaining maybe? I could use any possibilities. I dom't know why she's ignoring me or what she hopes to accomplish lol. I'm fairly sure she will probably talk with me eventually, but since it's our first disagreement, I don't know if maybe there's something she's expecting from me
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
I did try a couple of times to send her messages that might get her speaking to me again. One asking if she was planning on ever talking to me again(because if not, unfollow me and I'll move on, which I probably shouldn't have said), the last one apologizing for everything again, saying I miss her and love her, and saying she can speak to me when ready. Girl's stubborn as fuck, but I always did tell her I admired her discipline lmfao
 

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Could you try explaining maybe? I could use any possibilities. I dom't know why she's ignoring me or what she hopes to accomplish lol. I'm fairly sure she will probably talk with me eventually, but since it's our first disagreement, I don't know if maybe there's something she's expecting from me
Considering what you said after this, I thought you two were doing the whole "you both want to apologize, but don't want to 'lose' the fight," but if you already started the talking, it's something else then.
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Considering what you said after this, I thought you two were doing the whole "you both want to apologize, but don't want to 'lose' the fight," but if you already started the talking, it's something else then.
Yeah, I definitely tried. :/
I've heard women do the ignore thing sometimes, but I suppose this is more a matter of understanding people. You don't have any ideas, though?
 

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Yeah, I definitely tried. :/
I've heard women do the ignore thing sometimes, but I suppose this is more a matter of understanding people. You don't have any ideas, though?
Maybe she's tired of the song and dance you two do <she probably thinks it's "all the time">. But, I have no idea how to fix that.
There's also the whole, she needs space to think thing.
Or she's just mad at you. Temporarily.

In my opinion, whatever it is, it's probably a good idea to let it simmer down a bit, from what you said, she does understand your stuff, in which case, this is probably not fully about you.
<If you really want to know though, probably find a better way to communicate than twitter>.
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Earlier, I made a tweet about a friend, not anything really specific, just offhandedly mentioning 'a friend' on there, then about 10 minutes later she makes a tweet like "hahahaha I'm twitter stalking a friend of mine and they're so funny. I'm laughing a lot". To me it seemed like a weird tweet to make almost like rubbing it in others' faces. I do wonder if the main thing is that she doesn't think I care enough about her, or that our friendship doesn't mean enough. She often jokes about being jealous whenever her friends mention other people, and I know they're just jokes, but I feel like people often do make jokes about things reminiscent of their actual feelings, or ones they tend to have. So idk, maybe that's it. If so, I'd find it hilarious given the fact I always thought I annoyed her by talking too much to her., or saying too many lovey things. And given the fact I wondered if she cared about me as much sometimes(which I know is because of my irrational emotions). I also wouldn't know what to do but let her kinda settle that with her own self until she's ready to talk to me. I don't know why it should bother her tho since she's not talking to me, it's just a possibility
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
Now she's replied...Finally
What's bothering her is that she's spent all this time giving me these wonderful, comforting words especially ones which counter what I felt offended by which got her ignoring me. So she feels it means those words to me are meaningless and that I never really cared, she's offended that I thought she'd say something like that

My mind has only ever been this fucked up in interpreting others' words and actions three times including this one. I know she doesn't have so much experience with depression or mental illness so I'm trying my best to explain to her how it can mar your mind and make sense of things in a way that is completely opposite of the intention or what it would be interpreted as otherwise

If I can't do that, she doesn't want as close a relationship...I don't know if it was wrong or right, but I sent her a long DM trying to explain what it does to your mind and how it changes things and how I know she's a great friend and would never say such a thing. When it happens, my emotions are on the surface, I CAN'T rationalize. I've lost the ability completely. I'm reaction and nothing else. So I hope she understands. She's been able to withstand so much other bs from me so I doubt it's the intensity of such a person as myself that would make her walk away, I think I just need her to understand how I am the majority of the time and how it can change things that you feel you know to be true, it can make them become false. It can make things you'd know to be absurd completely rational

I hope she does understand as she's the best friend I've had to be honest

It's only happened three times so I need to figure out how to control myself and how to recognize it and communicate that that's the mood I'm in...Either that or maybe separate myself a bit if I'm going through a period of intense moods because I can usually feel it coming
 

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You COULD try sending her a link of this place as a url via twitter to shoe her how much it effected you? I mean seriously, from what I can tell you worried OVER three days just in this forum.
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You COULD try sending her a link of this place as a url via twitter to shoe her how much it effected you? I mean seriously, from what I can tell you worried OVER three days just in this forum.
Maybe...as of right now I'm trying to see if she'll reply to what I sent her. I don't even see how what I said would warrant icing someone out regardless of circumstance tbh. But that's just me. I guess that's her ideal. I'd just hate to know I ruined a friendship because of a mental illness. It's really discouraging and only reinforces insecurities I've expressed to her
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Anyway. I talked with her, she basically just wants to talk as acquaintances now. I'm a deep connection kind of person and we managed to gain enough chemistry that I've opened up to her and I've gained a real connection with her. She just doesn't want it now. Because I'm that kinda person, I don't know how to adjust to it. I'm not sure how to initiate conversations with her. She says we'll always have that past connection and chemistry, and we'll say hi to each other and care for each other sometimes, but it's so unnatural. i don't think I can do it. I don't know how. And it hurts me that we went from me being one of the only people she really talks with and her being one of my main reasons to even stay on the site, to this. It confuses me and honestly, it makes me sad. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm really naive so I never see these things coming

She did tell me also that it took a toll on the relationship that she'd give advice and I'd "hear but not listen", but she never expressed that before. She says she only realized it after all that. I hate that just because I'm fucked up I lost a friend. It makes me feel like I can't have friends
 

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Anyway. I talked with her, she basically just wants to talk as acquaintances now. I'm a deep connection kind of person and we managed to gain enough chemistry that I've opened up to her and I've gained a real connection with her. She just doesn't want it now. Because I'm that kinda person, I don't know how to adjust to it. I'm not sure how to initiate conversations with her. She says we'll always have that past connection and chemistry, and we'll say hi to each other and care for each other sometimes, but it's so unnatural. i don't think I can do it. I don't know how. And it hurts me that we went from me being one of the only people she really talks with and her being one of my main reasons to even stay on the site, to this. It confuses me and honestly, it makes me sad. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm really naive so I never see these things coming

She did tell me also that it took a toll on the relationship that she'd give advice and I'd "hear but not listen", but she never expressed that before. She says she only realized it after all that. I hate that just because I'm fucked up I lost a friend. It makes me feel like I can't have friends
You didn't lose a friend, she just said you're "going too fast" take it a bit slower.
 

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I'm not too good with intimate friendships, so I have no idea. Mostly, it seems like people are there, or they're not, and I'm easygoing about it either way.

In fact, I used to be so naive that I'd pretty much consider anyone my 'friend' that I knew the name of, as long as they were generally fairly kind to me. People who were neutral or not-kind were acquaintances.

So, maybe try to take a bit of a step back at how you look at relationships, and maybe you'll feel better about having this 'distance'. Afterall, you're not losing a friend. You're gaining an 'acquaintance'. Or something. :kitteh:
 

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Anyway. I talked with her, she basically just wants to talk as acquaintances now. I'm a deep connection kind of person and we managed to gain enough chemistry that I've opened up to her and I've gained a real connection with her. She just doesn't want it now. Because I'm that kinda person, I don't know how to adjust to it. I'm not sure how to initiate conversations with her. She says we'll always have that past connection and chemistry, and we'll say hi to each other and care for each other sometimes, but it's so unnatural. i don't think I can do it. I don't know how. And it hurts me that we went from me being one of the only people she really talks with and her being one of my main reasons to even stay on the site, to this. It confuses me and honestly, it makes me sad. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm really naive so I never see these things coming

She did tell me also that it took a toll on the relationship that she'd give advice and I'd "hear but not listen", but she never expressed that before. She says she only realized it after all that. I hate that just because I'm fucked up I lost a friend. It makes me feel like I can't have friends


If she wants some space, then maybe you should give her space. As long as she feels happy, why would it matter? Shouldn't friendship supposed to be about unconditional love? Shouldn't friendship supposed to be about seeing your friend happy? If having a little space and distance would make her happy, then why not give her what she wants?
You can still continue to love and care for her from a distance.
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
You didn't lose a friend, she just said you're "going too fast" take it a bit slower.
That's a much better way of looking at it...I'm the kinda person who kinda likes to fix things immediately and if not, then when I'm in a bad state it'll just erupt in my mind, which it did then. I'm trying to look at it that way because I guess if she wasn't open to it she'd just shut me out completely. She doesn't even want to talk about the situation for right now and implied she'd want to talk later about what she comfortable with, which gives me the impression she's just thinking about everything for now to herself

In my mind, it's not much of a big deal, but to her it was, so. She said we're 'too different' which makes zero sense since she acknowledged we had a lot of chemistry and should stay friends for that reason. It was one thing, she had no problems before

I am getting help tho because there's something wrong with my brain. Just wish she understood and hopefully she will
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
If she wants some space, then maybe you should give her space. As long as she feels happy, why would it matter? Shouldn't friendship supposed to be about unconditional love? Shouldn't friendship supposed to be about seeing your friend happy? If having a little space and distance would make her happy, then why not give her what she wants?
You can still continue to love and care for her from a distance.
Because you can't just say someone's you're friend. I could call any number of people my friend, I could call you my friend because at this point, you're giving me more than she is. If I'm really not gonna be sharing anything with someone , they aren't a friend, but she says she wants to be one. Plus we were really close friends and she knew it too, it's not that great to lose a close ffriend, especially if you're not good with people as I'm not. So if I'm giving her distance, as I am now, we're basically not friends and eventually one of us is just gonna leave without care, so what's the point of calling it a friendship when it's not? She hasn't truly said what she wants yet, but if oyu're not there for someone, you're not a friend and it's never great losing one
 

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Spotlight March 2016
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I am getting help tho because there's something wrong with my brain. Just wish she understood and hopefully she will
Just remember that we're all struggling with something, brain problems, or not. :kitteh:

I've got ADHD and possibly other co-morbidities that I'm finding out soon, myself.

Just because you've got problems, doesn't mean she doesn't as well, and you need to respect her when she says that she needs space. Hopefully you have other loved ones for support during this time.
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I'm not too good with intimate friendships, so I have no idea. Mostly, it seems like people are there, or they're not, and I'm easygoing about it either way.

In fact, I used to be so naive that I'd pretty much consider anyone my 'friend' that I knew the name of, as long as they were generally fairly kind to me. People who were neutral or not-kind were acquaintances.

So, maybe try to take a bit of a step back at how you look at relationships, and maybe you'll feel better about having this 'distance'. Afterall, you're not losing a friend. You're gaining an 'acquaintance'. Or something. :kitteh:
I don't consider anyone a friend, only if I get to know them really well, get to a place where I genuinely care about how they are and who they are and they care the same about me, and I feel like I can share anything with them. Other people are..idk. Hard to define. I'm drinking a bit, but not friends

i'm really kinda confused as to how people are trying to make it into something that doesn't feel shitty. Like there's no way around it, it feels shitty unless you're a robot
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Just remember that we're all struggling with something, brain problems, or not. :kitteh:

I've got ADHD and possibly other co-morbidities that I'm finding out soon, myself.

Just because you've got problems, doesn't mean she doesn't as well, and you need to respect her when she says that she needs space. Hopefully you have other loved ones for support during this time.
I didn't say I wasn't respecting her, I said it's shitty, which it is. And hard to deal with, which it is

Also, I know she hasn't dealt with the same kinda issues
 
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