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I got friendzoned by one of you at 30 (how to get out?)

1267 Views 16 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  Chillipickle
Or maybe I should ask if it's even worth of getting out at his point?

We had been close and he had done things to me like holding my hands in his, kissing my face, hugging me tightly alone at a park and staring at me for long periods of time. He has also said how lovely I am. We are INFP/ENTP.

Yet I have maybe failed to reciprocate his interest in a very clear way despite of my age, mostly due to being a shy INFP with little experience of physical closeness.

Now I've learned he is dating another woman which breaks my heart. Despite of his affair, he stills says he could see a future for us when I finally told him on the phone that I've been having feelings for him all this time. I just haven't been able to confess them due to him going through a divorce recently, our geographical distance and my shyness. He has also said he cares for me a lot and is truly touched that I like him. He feels something for me but doesn't know what it is, he says (how ENTP). Now after my knowing my feelings he sees me in a new light. Whatever that means.

Now it turns out he wants to spend christmas holidays together with me at his house when his girlfriend is not present. He even wants to pick me up from the airport. He has also been open about this attachments problems saying he always has to have someone because he can't be single so this why I can't see their couple of months relationship as that serious.

Should I try to stay his friend and maybe try to touch him or get close to him?
Or should I just forget my mess with this ENTP, who I although hold very dearly in my heart?

Thank you again for those who'd like to guide my lost soul.
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Here's some medicine. It might not taste good.

Be willing to cut your losses and move on.

Don't be friends with him with the secret hope of turning it into something more.

He could be leading you on, especially if he has a girlfriend and has admitted to having problems of being alone.
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Thanks for your help.

Cutting him off seems difficult because I cherish him a lot and we share a connection. We are also in the same research project.

But then if he tries something with me over christmas while me being there I dont want to feel used or toyd with.
You know the answer to your own question. You're steering yourself into trouble.
I am going to go against the trend here.

He sounds legit. Now. That said. He sounds like he is at least being honest.
Honest to his own selfish end for sure but honest none the less. Lets be honest
we are all selfish in our way of being so this is not to be taken as a slight against him.
You are quite rightly trying to figure him out for your own selfish reasons, as an example.

I do not see a problem with how this ENTP is representing himself.
He is by his own admission confused and unsure about the level
he wants yet is willing to entertain more time to figure that out.

The question is not if this ENTP likes you. He does. To what
degree? Well even he is not sure. Nor are you. So really you are both on
the same level.

How much can you take? How far can you go? What is your criteria for
dating someone?

You can only go on what you know. What you know is this: You have feelings for him, he has
feelings for you. You both have distance and are unsure how committed you want to be to
one another. Sounds to me like through time together you may both be able to answer these

So again, it goes back to how much you are willing to do. Or allow him to do.
Probably both really. If you want to give this a go but not commit to spending nights
together right away? Well say that! If you want to have fun over the holidays and you trust this man
then go have some fun! Who knows what it may lead to!

I am assuming, as you are an adult that I can ignore the obvious ..tell people where you are and
be safe and all that good stuff. I have no idea the trust levels you two have for that kind of
stuff. So I cant say for sure.

To my mind this is more about what you feel comfortable doing. The ENTP has an interest at the
least and possibly a lot more than that. The only way to figure it out would be through time together.
Of can set your own times up if going away to his place is not for you.
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Thanks for a different point of view.

This person just confuses me so much because I don't know what he wants from me. Sex? Affection? Emotional relationship? Intellectual enternainment? Or is he just an ENTP who doesn't know what he wants, who sees potential and makes weird promises about us having a future while he still dates someone else. Also I don't think inviting someone to spend a christmas, picking them up from the airport or wanting them over at your country house is neutral at all if it was just friendship.

I think there is chemistry and some sexual tension (like looks, long hugs, holding hands, mirroring my movements, and multpile kisses on cheeks, talking about arousal in another context) so I am open to him. I trust him and we have met through work, I know where he lives and spends his days. I have also given his adress to my close friends just in case something happens.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I just think ENTPs are so hard to figure out as I don't understand what's going on their minds or in their emotions. I am going to visit him and spend time with him, anyway.
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Stay with him --> possible future for a relationship with him, knowing he may cheat on another girl in a similar fashion if you do. Even if you get him, will you be able to sleep comfortably knowing this?

Leave him --> Having no love interest anymore. May also find better guy, but also may find worse guy. At least you can be careful with your feeling before falling in love again.

Your pick!
I would take a different approach here.

It isn't always about MBTI - he just seems like he isn't in a place where he knows what he wants but he doesn't want to lose you as an option. That is (as others have said), selfish. It also isn't great for you.

As someone who has been divorced myself, it seems to me like you need to sort yourself out first and then look towards a relationship with someone in a good place in their own lives. I'm not saying this to be judge, but it seems like him being willing to cheat on his girlfriend isn't a great sign, and even if you had a nice time, you would have to hide a relationship with him to some degree, which sucks an is a huge compromise on your part. I look at divorce as a second chance at empowerment, freedom, and awesomeness time. Don't settle for less than you living a validated life. He will not give you this at this point, so I would say, not necessarily blow him off, but cross him off the list of potential mates. Increase your self-worth and know that there are better guys out there for you.
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He's playing you or at least playing around. Either way, run. Away.
I just think ENTPs are so hard to figure out as I don't understand what's going on their minds or in their emotions.
Heck, I don't understand what's going on my mind or in my emotions half the time either.

FueledByEvil has good points on his post.

I was in a relationship with an ENFP for 12 years. The few last years I worked at a pet shop and my boss was a woman bit younger than me. Very pretty, very. From the start I had a sexual attraction for her but thought nothing of it because that's the default for someone I find "hot". She is an INTP so there was a connection from the start. Same sense of humor etc. Thought nothing of it. As time went on I started flirting and got similar signals back. We chatted via FB a lot on our free time. Working with her was fun. Fast forward and the shop was closing for good. We talked one evening and found out I was less joking with the flirty stuff than she was. She hadn't even thought it "that" way. A week and we were emptying the store and things started to go the physical direction and fast. "We have awesome chemistry between us. Why not try how it transfers to more physical things?". Not bad and we were both in long relationships that felt kind of stagnant at the moment so we continued this "only a sex thing". It was fine for like a week until we started to fall in love... Poop hit the fan one day and decision were made. We have been living together for a couple of years now.

The point of my story is. During all that, I had no idea what I really wan't. I had no clue how strong my feelings were towards the INTP or what I really wanted from her.
We are great at making messes and making through the chaos still standing but winging it as it goes has a big risk for collateral damage(especially when strong feelers are involved).

The question is: Are you willing to take the risk of jumping in his chaos? Can you handle it if you're the collateral damage in the end?

(I'd personally go for it)
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I think @MyEvilTwin has an interesting take on this.
@negativeforce What this is about is not him. It's about you. I'm going to go out on a long limb here and guess that you had some sort of abuse perpetrated upon you in your childhood (no need to respond to that).

The point being: There is no potential positive outcome for you in this situation. At least not one that I can fathom. There are plenty of nice guys out there. Take it easy on yourself.


Love is pain, but it is a pleasant pain... i know, it sounds very masochistic.

My little advise is double:

- go for it as far as you don't get depleted from your vital energy, maybe the best way is take it as game, more easy to say than to do, but you want to win, so play.

- feelings in my case come pretty much via Fe and at the start of my relations always in my case has been associated to some "chaos" like @MyEvilTwindescribes.

I think we are very used to handle uncertainty and to keep options open, specially when somewhere is somebody getting hurt from our actions, this triggers a lot of behaviours that can be very surprising and difficult to interpret for other people, because as whole it looks very incoherent and naif. This is the chaos part: for you probably is unacceptable, for us is probably just the way of "sorting" decisions. But, when decisions are took then we point for long term relations and become extremely protective of the relationship. Try to see the long term intentions, not the immediate ones, and push your options. You need to be energetic for that, so gather energy from somewhere else and invest in your bet. Don't let the present ruin your future.
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Life is ups and downs. It wouldn't be interesting without it.

What helps me clarify decisions is a personal phrase:

What will I regret more, doing this? Or not doing this?

So in a decade or so, picture yourself looking back on this. What are your preferred regrets? Would you prefer to regret this affair and the possibility that it resulted in no long term commitment? Or would you prefer to regret never experiencing your relationship in the first place?

Usually I go for it. Life is boring without ups and downs.
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He wants to meet with you because he wants to see if there is something there now that everything is out. But keep in mind that he does have a girlfriend now and that even though you have no allegiance to her, think about whether you can be cool with that (with yourself).

The moral thing to do is to leave him alone until a time he becomes single again. He knows how you feel and if he feels strongly enough, he'll get out of his current relationship to pursue something with you. Do you want a guy who is comfortable with one foot in and one foot out?
By what i read he clearly likes you...we wouldn't get all touchy feely with someone whom we don't like, i don't even get touchy feely with my friends so..on the other hand we like to be with various people, perhaps he doesn't believe he is good enough for you or he thinks that you can do way better so he used another person as a distraction (i tend to do this a lot)...if you really want to know, stop thinking about feelings and do something about it (meaning physical), you are attracted to him so i don't think this would be a problem, make a move..when you get together at the airport, kiss him and see how he'll react or just be straight about all of it...don't wait, that's pointless..i hate when people after a long period of time come to me saying they have or had feelings, because if i knew that before i wouldn't still be friends with if you want him romantically, don't be his friend!

Or is he just an ENTP who doesn't know what he wants
this is our basic state of mind xD
I just think ENTPs are so hard to figure out as I don't understand what's going on their minds or in their emotions.
Neither do we, so you're not alone :D

My advice is to take a risk, have a little fun, the worst thing that can happen is that it doesn't work out, but then at least you know you tried. :)
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At first, not all of us aren't aware of their emotions. I, for example, just process some of them in another way, and some emotions are easier to be figured out than others. The simple ones, like anger or joy are processed right away, while I need some time to figure out more complicated stuff like sadness. Maybe the ENTP guy you're talking about (how do you know he's an ENTP btw?) works in a similar way. BUT. There's a difference between not having figured out your emotions and being a selfish asshole, and from what I'm getting out of your story, the last one does at least play a part.

If it was only about figuring out emotions, he'd probably say something like "I need to figure out what to do in this situation", and no, you're not the only one who deserves to get this piece of information. If he was an honest guy, he'd tell his girlfriend, also. But he doesn't seem to have done so, or there's a completely irrational reason for her not leaving him, like "I'm sure he's gonna change" or other bs like that. Either way he knows that she's just kind of a makeshift for someone else in his life, and that someone isn't even you. I don't think I have to explain to you further how shitty he behaves towards his girlfriend. You already know that. And really, do you buy this "I just can't be alone, so I have to have a girlfriend!" crap? Because, I don't. At all. What he seems to be doing is manipulating you into thinking "It's not a serious thing, so why bother about her?". That's something most of us are really good at. He played a little with words, so you don't see her as a threat anymore and he makes you think you were his special little snowflake he chose to dedicate into his emotional world.

And yes, I think, he treats you unfairly, as well. He'd whistle and you come along running.
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