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6 Posts
Part 1:
Family: Mom (ESxJ.. i think F) & Sister ISFP
Mom
My mom. gee. what can i say. growing up our relationship was great, she was always there and was the best mom anyone could ask for. (my dad left just after i turned 2 and was in and out of my life growing up, he hasnt spoken to me in about 6-7 years now, but thats worth a whole different thread lol) as ive gotten older and matured, i realize it was only that way because she was in control of everything. she is highly manipulative, makes a ton of passive aggressive comments, gets upset when i dont fall for what she tries to imply (actions or feelings), doesnt listen to me, and just doesnt seem to genuinely want to see my POV.
when i was about 14 years old, my mom started getting diagnosed with several illnesses. shes had surgeries, gotten somewhat better, but continues to have a lot of medical problems. She can still walk, talk, go out with her friends etc, its more about her not being able to walk or stand for extended periods of time (unless it benefits her in some way
) and not eat certain foods on certain days (unless shes in the mood for it ) dont get me wrong, i do see the effects when her condition isnt cared for (unable to stand or unable to eat much other than crackers and water for a few days) what i dont understand is why is it always so convenient. everytime a situation benefits her shes fine, but God forbid i say "hey lets go to the mall and look at something" her response is always along the lines of " you know i cant go there, my knees are bad, the smell makes my stomach hurt, im gonna have a headache when i come home because its too big" so whatever. fine. i accepted it. im 23, i have my own car i can do it on my own, i only invite her so we can spend time together and so she doesnt feel like shes stuck at home all the time.
other times, when im home she will come to me and say something like "oh man those dishes are so dirty and have been there since yesterday, but i have to do _________" and im just like.... :dry: . before i used to say oh i can do them later, or just drop what i was doing and go do whatever she implied. over the past couple years ive started ignoring her and just let her say whatever she wants. i dont respond to it anymore, because i feel like im being manipulated.
what ive done to create a solution is had her sit down and talk with me about how i was feeling and how she feels, i told her i feel like she doesnt listen to me, continuously cuts me off mid sentence to say something she is thinking, about a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SUBJECT which translates to me as "she doesnt give a shit about what you are saying right now and is not listening." When i started working a corporate job i get home after her and usually walk in and say hello, she would always go straight to "this needs to be done" or "my day was so horrible today so and so did ____" and i would sit there and listen (i still do), but do you think she has EVER asked me how my day was? or anything about my life for that matter? no. weve sat and talked, ive screamed, ive cried, ive flat out just said it. and nothing works. she always "changes" and 2 days later its the same BS. so as time has gone by ive just stopped speaking to her, she doesnt care, not truly at least. she cares because im her daughter, but not because she really knows me as a person. i dont talk to her about anything personal. I am as detached as i possibly can be while still living in the same house as her. I wake up at 5:30 am every morning to go to the gym, get back around 7 say good morning, pick up my weights and go around the neighborhood to exercise some more, come home and say goodbye because she leaves as soon as i get back, then i come home from work at 8:30pm, and say hello, and go straight to my room unless she starts talking. Honestly i really hate it. i miss our closeness. but at the same time that closeness revolved around how i served her, and talking about other people (which is something i despise, but she loves). Ijust dont know what to do.
Ive always thought that she was a narcissist, but i cant get her to go to a counselor (ive mentioned family counseling and she always says shes up for it, but when i try to make and appointment she is always too busy or has something else to do.
if you have any advice on how else to handle this situation please post, im desperate to find some common ground
theres alot more to add into here but my mind is going in 10 different directions so i cant think of anything else to add right now. if clarification needed or any questions lmk.
My sister.
My sister is 4 years younger than me. we have different moms, and the same lame ass father. her mom died when she was 11 and she got stuck (with our other sister) living with him. it wasnt easy. he is extremely verbally and mentally abusive. before her mom died she lived with her, and her step dad who was the same as our father. she was also sexually abused by her uncle on her moms side from about 7 years old to 11 years old. her life has not been easy. i really do get that. i give her props for going through a shit show and still coming out on top (sort of). When she was 17 she got diagnosed with dissociative disorder. My issue with her (as bad as this is about to sound, and please forgive me) is that i think she does it for attention. she has only ever gotten negative attention her whole life, no one ever said good job or they were proud of her, she only was spoken to or acknowledged is when she was doing something incorrectly, so i think that has somehow turned into her having this sickness and acting out in ways that are not appropriate. i understand mental disorders are a real thing. i truly do. i just think that she saw how people reacted when she said she was going to therapy (for aforementioned abuse) and it evolved either by someone planting a thought in her head about said disorder or the Dr stating something and her self diagnosing herself via WebMD (which she does more often than not), but the point is that she has taken this broken person as her identity. she doesnt think its possible to change anything about her situation, she thinks she will forever be this broken person who cant do anything. ive tried showing her that she can do anything she sets her mind to (because she has done things she thought were impossible) and that everything in life is about your mindset. i know she knows this, which is what leads me to believe that she doesnt know how to self satisfy her need for attention in positive ways. ugh. i just needed to vent about this, but if you have advice, feedback or have gone through something feel free to share.
Family: Mom (ESxJ.. i think F) & Sister ISFP
Mom
My mom. gee. what can i say. growing up our relationship was great, she was always there and was the best mom anyone could ask for. (my dad left just after i turned 2 and was in and out of my life growing up, he hasnt spoken to me in about 6-7 years now, but thats worth a whole different thread lol) as ive gotten older and matured, i realize it was only that way because she was in control of everything. she is highly manipulative, makes a ton of passive aggressive comments, gets upset when i dont fall for what she tries to imply (actions or feelings), doesnt listen to me, and just doesnt seem to genuinely want to see my POV.
when i was about 14 years old, my mom started getting diagnosed with several illnesses. shes had surgeries, gotten somewhat better, but continues to have a lot of medical problems. She can still walk, talk, go out with her friends etc, its more about her not being able to walk or stand for extended periods of time (unless it benefits her in some way
) and not eat certain foods on certain days (unless shes in the mood for it ) dont get me wrong, i do see the effects when her condition isnt cared for (unable to stand or unable to eat much other than crackers and water for a few days) what i dont understand is why is it always so convenient. everytime a situation benefits her shes fine, but God forbid i say "hey lets go to the mall and look at something" her response is always along the lines of " you know i cant go there, my knees are bad, the smell makes my stomach hurt, im gonna have a headache when i come home because its too big" so whatever. fine. i accepted it. im 23, i have my own car i can do it on my own, i only invite her so we can spend time together and so she doesnt feel like shes stuck at home all the time. other times, when im home she will come to me and say something like "oh man those dishes are so dirty and have been there since yesterday, but i have to do _________" and im just like.... :dry: . before i used to say oh i can do them later, or just drop what i was doing and go do whatever she implied. over the past couple years ive started ignoring her and just let her say whatever she wants. i dont respond to it anymore, because i feel like im being manipulated.
what ive done to create a solution is had her sit down and talk with me about how i was feeling and how she feels, i told her i feel like she doesnt listen to me, continuously cuts me off mid sentence to say something she is thinking, about a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SUBJECT which translates to me as "she doesnt give a shit about what you are saying right now and is not listening." When i started working a corporate job i get home after her and usually walk in and say hello, she would always go straight to "this needs to be done" or "my day was so horrible today so and so did ____" and i would sit there and listen (i still do), but do you think she has EVER asked me how my day was? or anything about my life for that matter? no. weve sat and talked, ive screamed, ive cried, ive flat out just said it. and nothing works. she always "changes" and 2 days later its the same BS. so as time has gone by ive just stopped speaking to her, she doesnt care, not truly at least. she cares because im her daughter, but not because she really knows me as a person. i dont talk to her about anything personal. I am as detached as i possibly can be while still living in the same house as her. I wake up at 5:30 am every morning to go to the gym, get back around 7 say good morning, pick up my weights and go around the neighborhood to exercise some more, come home and say goodbye because she leaves as soon as i get back, then i come home from work at 8:30pm, and say hello, and go straight to my room unless she starts talking. Honestly i really hate it. i miss our closeness. but at the same time that closeness revolved around how i served her, and talking about other people (which is something i despise, but she loves). Ijust dont know what to do.
Ive always thought that she was a narcissist, but i cant get her to go to a counselor (ive mentioned family counseling and she always says shes up for it, but when i try to make and appointment she is always too busy or has something else to do.
if you have any advice on how else to handle this situation please post, im desperate to find some common ground
theres alot more to add into here but my mind is going in 10 different directions so i cant think of anything else to add right now. if clarification needed or any questions lmk.
My sister.
My sister is 4 years younger than me. we have different moms, and the same lame ass father. her mom died when she was 11 and she got stuck (with our other sister) living with him. it wasnt easy. he is extremely verbally and mentally abusive. before her mom died she lived with her, and her step dad who was the same as our father. she was also sexually abused by her uncle on her moms side from about 7 years old to 11 years old. her life has not been easy. i really do get that. i give her props for going through a shit show and still coming out on top (sort of). When she was 17 she got diagnosed with dissociative disorder. My issue with her (as bad as this is about to sound, and please forgive me) is that i think she does it for attention. she has only ever gotten negative attention her whole life, no one ever said good job or they were proud of her, she only was spoken to or acknowledged is when she was doing something incorrectly, so i think that has somehow turned into her having this sickness and acting out in ways that are not appropriate. i understand mental disorders are a real thing. i truly do. i just think that she saw how people reacted when she said she was going to therapy (for aforementioned abuse) and it evolved either by someone planting a thought in her head about said disorder or the Dr stating something and her self diagnosing herself via WebMD (which she does more often than not), but the point is that she has taken this broken person as her identity. she doesnt think its possible to change anything about her situation, she thinks she will forever be this broken person who cant do anything. ive tried showing her that she can do anything she sets her mind to (because she has done things she thought were impossible) and that everything in life is about your mindset. i know she knows this, which is what leads me to believe that she doesnt know how to self satisfy her need for attention in positive ways. ugh. i just needed to vent about this, but if you have advice, feedback or have gone through something feel free to share.
