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I was forced into a situation at work where I had to confront a disruptive customer who kept asking for a discount saying God told him he could get an item at a cheaper price, thing is this guy actually believed it, he wasn't trolling.

He was super weird but I kept telling him no, then I had to resort to threatening to call the police.

God, I HATE confrontation! I'm so bad at it. My voice was shaky, my hands were shaking, I felt like a little chiwawa confronting a bull dog. I'm just not built for confrontation....

Just looking for sympathy and curious if any other INFJ is cool with confrontation or not..... :(
 

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what an awful situation, I'm sorry that happened for you.

Don't all people hate confrontation? - well I do.. And I'm not good at it. So it is not just you..
 

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I believe (this is entirely based off the patterns I see in people, so not backed up by anything, unless I've never seen the research) it has to do with perceived personal value.

A common pattern I see in people who truly feel uncomfortable with confrontation--the people who refuse to send food back, even if it's not good--is that they are more than willing to do it for other people.

A personal example. I went to a club for the first time a couple of weeks ago with a date. We were watching a drag show, and everyone around us was drunk and trying to push their way to the front. A lot of pushing. Someone pushed into me, and I just kind of shrugged it off, and let them pass. Someone pushed into my date, and I got really pissed and would physically move in the way to block them from messing with my date.

It has to do with value. Despite being able to verbally say that all humans have value, innately, I don't believe I have much value. If you asked me in person, I wouldn't say that, but because I'm aware of the reality, I can say that on here. I find the same pattern in people who dislike confrontation. Because they view themselves as lower than other people, they feel uncomfortable standing up for themselves.

Yet, "most people" understand the other side of reality: everyone truly has value. So if someone is hurting another in any way, we tend to stand up for them. Our strength comes from the blinding belief that who we're standing up for has the worth to be stood up for. There's no wavering voice--no possible disbelief in what we're currently thinking.

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Because you are who you are, I don't think there's any way to truly remedy the issue. In fact, that weakness of yours, lends itself to the strength of standing up for others. The more you believe in your lack of value, the bigger the chasm you believe in the increased value of others, to help them.

That said, you are valuable, so you should at least work to lessen that feeling of lack of worth.

Stillll... this is entirely based off the patterns I've seen. You may not relate with any of that haha.
 

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I don't like confrontation either, and that includes competition of all sorts.
 

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What an awkward situation. I feel for ya. That probably would have made me nervous too.

To answer your question, when it comes to a situation I don't know how to handle, I'll obviously feel less confident when it comes to confrontation like that. But if it's a scenario where I know how to handle it, I know what to say, I know just the right thing to do, I don't mind confrontation - so long as it benefits all parties involved, in the long run that is.. (including me). It's just that, it may not necessarily be obvious that the confrontation is beneficial for all parties because confrontation usually makes someone upset in the short term. But I don't care about that. I care about everyone's well-being in the long run.
 

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I believe (this is entirely based off the patterns I see in people, so not backed up by anything, unless I've never seen the research) it has to do with perceived personal value.

A common pattern I see in people who truly feel uncomfortable with confrontation--the people who refuse to send food back, even if it's not good--is that they are more than willing to do it for other people.

A personal example. I went to a club for the first time a couple of weeks ago with a date. We were watching a drag show, and everyone around us was drunk and trying to push their way to the front. A lot of pushing. Someone pushed into me, and I just kind of shrugged it off, and let them pass. Someone pushed into my date, and I got really pissed and would physically move in the way to block them from messing with my date.

It has to do with value. Despite being able to verbally say that all humans have value, innately, I don't believe I have much value. If you asked me in person, I wouldn't say that, but because I'm aware of the reality, I can say that on here. I find the same pattern in people who dislike confrontation. Because they view themselves as lower than other people, they feel uncomfortable standing up for themselves.

Yet, "most people" understand the other side of reality: everyone truly has value. So if someone is hurting another in any way, we tend to stand up for them. Our strength comes from the blinding belief that who we're standing up for has the worth to be stood up for. There's no wavering voice--no possible disbelief in what we're currently thinking.

---

Because you are who you are, I don't think there's any way to truly remedy the issue. In fact, that weakness of yours, lends itself to the strength of standing up for others. The more you believe in your lack of value, the bigger the chasm you believe in the increased value of others, to help them.

That said, you are valuable, so you should at least work to lessen that feeling of lack of worth.

Stillll... this is entirely based off the patterns I've seen. You may not relate with any of that haha.

I'm sorry but I don't agree.. I have no problem sending food back. I do it often. I don't like onions so when I say to the waiter: no onions and they bring me a burger with - then I ask for a new one.

What @Divine Giver is talking about is a situation at work. When you are at work you represent - not yourself but your company. And therefore you cannot tell them to stop acting crazy and stop bothering you. You have to handle the situation in a maner that is accepted by your company. Many companies have rules and guidelines for such things. I have worked many places and all of them had different ways of doing things. But for most places it is still true that the customer is always right and no one want bad reputation. So it has to be handle with care in some way.

And what makes the situation even more uncomfortable is that this person clearly wasn't in sound mind. It is one thing to take a conflict with a person, a whole other thing to dealing with someone who think God told him that he could get a discount. So I get why this confrontation would be heartbreaking. It breaks mine a little just reading about it.

I know that for some people there is a connection between self worth and ones ability to say no, take confrontations and so on. But it is not true for all people and I don't think this is one of those cases..

I think it also depends on the confrontation. Sending food back is one thing, telling your boss that you think he is an a-hole is another. Confronting a friend for talking shit about you, or telling someone you don't know to shut the fuck up in the quiet zone. Sometimes it is also about picking your battles. How much energy do you want to put into it, and is it worth the trouble?
 

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It gets easier with time, although in a situation like this, where the other person is obviously insane, it can be extra tense, since you never know how insane people might react.
 

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I can feel you so much, it´s awful to me getting in those confrontations too. =( Once I had an argument with a colleague and my voice was shaky too and I was about to cry (but you couldn´t see it from outside. I wanted to stand for my point of view.
 

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I believe (this is entirely based off the patterns I see in people, so not backed up by anything, unless I've never seen the research) it has to do with perceived personal value.

A common pattern I see in people who truly feel uncomfortable with confrontation--the people who refuse to send food back, even if it's not good--is that they are more than willing to do it for other people.

A personal example. I went to a club for the first time a couple of weeks ago with a date. We were watching a drag show, and everyone around us was drunk and trying to push their way to the front. A lot of pushing. Someone pushed into me, and I just kind of shrugged it off, and let them pass. Someone pushed into my date, and I got really pissed and would physically move in the way to block them from messing with my date.

It has to do with value. Despite being able to verbally say that all humans have value, innately, I don't believe I have much value. If you asked me in person, I wouldn't say that, but because I'm aware of the reality, I can say that on here. I find the same pattern in people who dislike confrontation. Because they view themselves as lower than other people, they feel uncomfortable standing up for themselves.
Yes, I can relate. I think standing up for someone works as a shield. When I should come up for myself however, I just say to myself "whatever, nevermind", meaning "I don't want it that bad anyway" - and it wouldn't be a case of cognitive dissonance because I truly don't feel like the confrontation is worth serving my (not so strong) will or motive.

But when the discomfort concerns someone else, the motive is not personal, but common - obvious and already out there for others to presume. And consequently much easier to defend, especially for Fe users I suspect. Moreover, you automatically have someone (i.e. the offended) on your side. These are all building blocks of that 'shield' I mentioned.

Defending my personal worth on the other hand puts me in the most vulnerable position because the foundation is so thin, so simple for the offender to crack. I can almost genuinly speculate that I find it equally hard to confront an unauthorized bandit for emptying my entire bank account savings, as I do facing someone for pushing over my niece's carton of milk.
 

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I was forced into a situation at work where I had to confront a disruptive customer who kept asking for a discount saying God told him he could get an item at a cheaper price, thing is this guy actually believed it, he wasn't trolling.

He was super weird but I kept telling him no, then I had to resort to threatening to call the police.

God, I HATE confrontation! I'm so bad at it. My voice was shaky, my hands were shaking, I felt like a little chiwawa confronting a bull dog. I'm just not built for confrontation....

Just looking for sympathy and curious if any other INFJ is cool with confrontation or not..... :(
Sounds awful :( Yeah, I have same experiences. I think it get better over time :) :hug:
 
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I feel like the best way to engage in confrontation, when you're absolutely sure you're in the right, is to just keep denying the request in a flat voice. Don't feel the need to explain yourself, don't engage in argument or specifics. I think people dislike confrontation because they make it too complicated, they think they have to always explain themselves and apologize, but there's nothing wrong with just denying what someone wants in a polite but firm voice.
 

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I'm sorry but I don't agree.. I have no problem sending food back. I do it often. I don't like onions so when I say to the waiter: no onions and they bring me a burger with - then I ask for a new one.

What @Divine Giver is talking about is a situation at work. When you are at work you represent - not yourself but your company. And therefore you cannot tell them to stop acting crazy and stop bothering you. You have to handle the situation in a maner that is accepted by your company. Many companies have rules and guidelines for such things. I have worked many places and all of them had different ways of doing things. But for most places it is still true that the customer is always right and no one want bad reputation. So it has to be handle with care in some way.

And what makes the situation even more uncomfortable is that this person clearly wasn't in sound mind. It is one thing to take a conflict with a person, a whole other thing to dealing with someone who think God told him that he could get a discount. So I get why this confrontation would be heartbreaking. It breaks mine a little just reading about it.

I know that for some people there is a connection between self worth and ones ability to say no, take confrontations and so on. But it is not true for all people and I don't think this is one of those cases..

I think it also depends on the confrontation. Sending food back is one thing, telling your boss that you think he is an a-hole is another. Confronting a friend for talking shit about you, or telling someone you don't know to shut the fuck up in the quiet zone. Sometimes it is also about picking your battles. How much energy do you want to put into it, and is it worth the trouble?
The OP was talking about a general fear for confrontation. His voice was shaky, his hands were shaky, and he even equated himself to a small dog.

If you don't have a general fear for confrontation, and just like to be more respectful at work, then neither the OP's post, or my post, was directed toward your situation; thus, it's only natural you wouldn't relate to it...
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Thing is,.. If I had been given authority to confront this person and kick him out, I wouldn’t have a huge problem with that. Clearly he was upsetting people, and if I were given the full green light I would have felt comfortable and just in confronting him, but that wasn’t the case. I was all alone,… for some reason, I always feel like I need permission before doing anything of consequence. Maybe it’s my Enneagram type 2?,.. idk… but what was going through my mind was,

“this guy is crazy and getting a little hostile, I feel unsafe, oh no, what if I say something and my work and managers don’t approve, ugh, he’s insisting even though I told him no,… ugh, ahhhh!! I have no real authority to speak on behalf of everyone here, what do I do!!! help!!”

If my boss came over to me and said, “DivineGiver, that man is harassing customers and being inappropriate, he needs to leave, you have full authority to kick him out, now go at it. “ I would be totally fine, feel justified in my actions, and it wouldn’t be a big deal. I may even feel like the hero.

Does that make sense to anyone?

In any event,.. your comments simply showing sympathy and the little hug emoji is all I need, I really thank everyone for that. When I vent from a problem, I rarely am looking for a technical solution,.. i just want a pat on the back, someone saying it will all be okay, and then a fun little emoji and i'm all healed up. :) hehe....
 

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I feel you, DG. It is easier to be the enforcer and go regulate when someone else gives you the green light. It is much harder when you have to make the subjective call yourself. Sounds like you handled it fine.

I much prefer harmony over conflict. I was a pushover in my younger years, but I've grown tired of being a doormat as I've matured. Experience has taught me that I simply must have tactful and assertive ways to stick up for myself and my loved ones to function in the world today. I have a frequent inner dialogue going on in my head where I'm preparing arguments and responses to conflicts that may never play out. I'm not mentally quick on my feet, so I keep a few rehearsed responses in my back pocket. Every conflict starts with a monkey dance, and I've found that confident body language and a willingness to make eye contact are key. I still feel bad after conflicts, but I'd much rather feel bad about giving someone's shit back to them than I do from quietly taking it and walking away humiliated. Unless its business, though. Some of us are well compensated for taking a little crap.
 

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Hello:)
Same here. Until I met Nonviolent Communicaton system created by Marshal Rosenberg. Now I am so much more confident it really helps especially in emotionally difficult situation when your thinking mind crushes down as a result of heighten emotion and then you may do stupid things. It helps bringing structure and is applicable to any situation it can be used to communicate wit anyone.. It revolutionized my relationships both personal and professional in unexpected ways:)
 

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Oh yeah, he's terrible at it. That's why he has me :cool:
 
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It's really scary dealing with crazy self-righteous people. That is a terrible situation you were in and you did not deserve it. :( I know that I would have been frightened if I were put in that situation.

I hate confrontation as well. I try to avoid it as much as possible. If I do deal with it, I try to deal with it in a polite way as possible. It is one of my biggest weaknesses and gives me a lot of anxiety. I never know what to say in situations like that.
 

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It sounds like you did the best you could do in such a situation. With the insane there isn't much common ground for dialogue or compromise so you couldn't defuse that situation. Uncomfortable or not you handled it well.
 
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