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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My Sunday School teacher once told my class that everyone has a purpose. I'm starting to wonder if mine was to be the person everyone looks at and thinks "Thank God I'm not you."

I get good grades, I'm not starving, or poor - so I know I shouldn't complain. This is just a rant, so hear me out. I go out of my way to avoid talking to people, because I hate it when they look at me like I am a pitiful little stupid child, or a boring loser, or as though I've just spoken in another language - I've learned that you can speak English perfectly in America and still not be understood. I HATE the awkward silences that ensue during conversations. I've asked them all the right questions - where they're from, what they do - and a wall of silence falls between us. My mind blanks on what to ask them next, they're staring at me or glancing at the door, I suddenly remember that I "am late for something" and scurry away, wondering what the hell I did wrong and why they don't want to talk to me. I am unattractive and quite boring - good luck asking me what's interesting in my life.

It's gotten to the point where the only thing I've really enjoy doing is spending all my time playing stupid games on the computer - i.e., I am relaxed and unstressed for 5 minutes, because no one is making fun of me and no one is "trying to be nice" and strike up a conversation with the ugly dummy in the corner. After the 5 minutes, I realize that I am going no where in life, because I don't want to join clubs, I have no clue what I want for a career, and I highly doubt I'm going to get a job anyway because I'm terrified of going outside to be surrounded and ostracized by people. I do nothing but play and watch movies. I can't even write anymore; it's as though I've lost all my creativity - at most I can only write a sentence before getting bored. My mother and I had a horrible fight about myself last week - "Why don't you care about anything in your life? Why are you so messy? Why don't you head out and enjoy yourself once in a while instead of isolating yourself all the time?"...etc., etc., etc. She thinks I have Asperger's; I am 99% sure I don't (if anyone has Asperger's, please tell me your experiences so I can back myself up on this).

In summary - I am sick and tired of being hating people, and being a screw-up. Please, please help; I've had this problem since middle school.
 

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1) Your Sunday School teacher lied. You have a purpose if you give yourself one.

2) You have at least a few symptoms of clinical depression, though it would be irresponsible to assign you an Internet Diagnosis. Have you gained or lost weight recently? What's your sleep schedule like?

Force yourself to exercise an hour a day, move to a lower-carbohydrate diet, and make sure your living environment gets lots of natural sunlight. If your mood doesn't improve - or if your weight has changed a lot recently, or you're having trouble sleeping, or you have suicidal ideations - see a psychologist.
 

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You are a very special person, I hope that you will in time come to see that.

You may want to get some kind of psychological evaluation. I don't know in what direction you should be looking but there may be something going on that is treatable. Don't let continued uncertainty become a mortgage on your life.

And never put yourself down like you are doing now.
I think I put up my new sig just in time for you.
 

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I feel like such a hypocrite typing this since I have issues of my own, but you sound like a very talented individual. It's no big deal if you don't know what you want to do yet. A lot of people are in the same boat as you in that regard. I think some counseling would be good for you.
 

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There's nothing wrong with you. Sounds like you just need someone to give you a swift kick in the ass (in a good way) to get you going. If you don't really like anything, just get like 3 PhD's in random stuff and be a school security guard if you want (example taken from the security guard at my school).
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Pretty close with the age. Apologies if my previous post came across as immature, but I am scared. I've tried to explain my feelings in a more mature manner, I've tried to tell myself to stop being so negative, and I've tried to speak to my friends, but damn if I'm not the incomprehensible person in the world when I try to speak. I am usually misunderstood, or ignored ("Whatever. I don't care what other people think. You shouldn't, either. What do you think of this book?" - Never ask advice from the blunt kind of ENTJ, especially one who has pissed off half of your school. It's great that you can hold your head high, pal, but...that's not how I want to live my life, thanks.) As for my parents, well, my mom's reactions have been somewhat negative, and my dad hasn't exactly been helpful. Which is why I came here.
That said, thank you so much all for your help and your kind words - I'm considering counseling (hopefully, that will provide the ass-kicking I need); I suppose I shouldn't be scared of it.
 
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