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I have issues with being intimate...

1K views 19 replies 5 participants last post by  Angry-Spaghetti 
#1 ·
Hey all, I've previously went on a date with a girl who was awesome. I have had some seriously bad things happened against me in the past that I am dealing with. I just told her that she was an amazing person, because she is. She's been through alot more than me and I genuinely felt very connected to her. Anyway I didn't make the move at the end of the date, I couldn't. I didn't want to string her along and make her uncomfortable because I couldn't give her what she wanted. I need to work on myself more.

Do you guys have any tips to help me if you have issues with intimacy?

I am sexual and I liked her it's just that I've never willingly expressed that side of myself. I think it was nerves.

Thank you for reading this. I will continue to go through my problems. I won't give up. Thank you.
 
#2 · (Edited)
Hey all, I've previously went on a date with a girl who was awesome. I have had some seriously bad things happened against me in the past that I am dealing with. I just told her that she was an amazing person, because she is. She's been through alot more than me and I genuinely felt very connected to her. Anyway I didn't make the move at the end of the date, I couldn't. I didn't want to string her along and make her uncomfortable because I couldn't give her what she wanted. I need to work on myself more.

Do you guys have any tips to help me if you have issues with intimacy?

I am sexual and I liked her it's just that I've never willingly expressed that side of myself. I think it was nerves.

Thank you for reading this. I will continue to go through my problems. I won't give up. Thank you.
i always think these things can’t be worked on when spending time alone. I hear other introverts talk like this sometimes, though, but it seems to rarely make the relationship happen. For me it’s like saying “I need to work on my painting skills.” And then never going near the paint or brushes. This goes pretty far, but I know someone who worked hard on fertility issues with her doctor but who refused to have sex with her husband. Do you see what I mean? You would get more and more comfortable and could slowly work towards building intimacy with this girl—- but you can’t work in this alone and actually have it amount to a hill of beans. So tell her you are a slow dater ,sit close to her watching a show or something and do what is comfortable as you go. Plus…. That’s really how intimacy builds anyway. I don’t evenunderstand the concept of feeling in the mood with someone who has never even held me. Build up to it… I think anything else is unreasonable and uncomfortable anyway. Or whatever…. Is this a younger culture thing? I don’t quite know if I am coming from a culture that maybe didn’t feel this pressure? But I don’t see why you couldn’t take time to learn and experience and feel comfortable with each other and let things unfold naturally. But it’s true this would be for a real relationship rather than for hook ups. Let me know if I’m in left field on this.
 
#4 ·
Thank you, I feel like I learned so much from it. I have always tried to go at things alone because I don't want others to help me either due to pride or percieved embarassment. I think I am different to the people you have spoken about, I can do it I just need time. I saw she had a tiktok saying she's dating a guy that was giving her mixed signals so that made me question what I was doing.

Thank you again. 🙏
 
#5 ·
I read an article that said that if you don't kiss her on the first date then it'll go south and you have to absolutely do it on the second date. I guess that I felt really comfortable with her and she with me and yet I couldn't be intimate with her. She had told me stories about her life experiences and it was awful to say the least. I felt a slight feeling of egg shells because I didn't want to bring back those bad memories. But I definetely think it was mostly due to me being incompetent in that area of dating. It may sound rediculous but I honestly need to know the protocol before moving ahead. It's how I've always been. Autism or enneagram 5? who knows. Thank you for replying. 🙏
 
#8 ·
If there's one thing I've learned about Fi doms, or introverts in general, it's that confidence works differently for your guys. It's not something you can choose to turn on when you want. You can't just fake it till you make it either. You have to genuinely be competent before you can truly believe in yourself.

Don't rush yourself. Figure out what your insecurities are and systematically improve in those areas. Small steps. Trust me. You'll get there before you know it, and you won't just be winging it like the rest of us overconfident idiots are. There's a solution to everything. Anything you find confusing, I'm happy to help you think about it. Let's start with this though.

What do you think was making you nervous?

A few important areas to think about.

What's your hygiene like?
What's your aesthetic like?
What are your social skills like?

There's more, but let's think about these for now.
 
#9 ·
I was nervous because I didn't know how to not give her mixed signals. I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong. So that sent red flags off in my brain so I had to go through all my info to see what I was doing wrong. I am anxious because I don't know how to respond to all the situations that may occur. If I don't than I feel uncomfortable, but I also enjoy that feeling somewhat, it signals growth, which I desperately want.

I am very hygienic when I'm with others, I might not shower for 2 days in a row if im at home by myself the whole time.

I know how to look good.

I have good social skills when I want to. If I'm pissed off I might not care too much about hurting others feelings or being a bit cynical. But there is always that part in my brain that tells me I'll regret it because I don't have enough energy to defend myself from this opinionated person (ironic).
 
#12 ·
By the way @Angry-Spaghetti you aren’t an ISFP… but that is hardly relevant. I’m only feeling like you would want to hear that from me since you asked me once for help figuring out your type. You are a beautiful person, though! /hugs to you while you work through these questions.
 
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#15 · (Edited)
What type do you think I am and why? I am extremely curious. I wish I could find out myself but I need to have a comparison to others to try and figure out my type. But I can't pinpoint who's exactly like me. Thank you for your kind words. 🙏🙂
 
#14 ·
Hey all, I've previously went on a date with a girl who was awesome. I have had some seriously bad things happened against me in the past that I am dealing with. I just told her that she was an amazing person, because she is. She's been through alot more than me and I genuinely felt very connected to her. Anyway I didn't make the move at the end of the date, I couldn't. I didn't want to string her along and make her uncomfortable because I couldn't give her what she wanted. I need to work on myself more.

Do you guys have any tips to help me if you have issues with intimacy?

I am sexual and I liked her it's just that I've never willingly expressed that side of myself. I think it was nerves.

Thank you for reading this. I will continue to go through my problems. I won't give up. Thank you.

The article that you must kiss someone on the first or second date isn't realistic though I guess it might be good to establish whether or not both of you are interested romantically (compared to just friendly) by that point.

Another possibility is a meaningful hug if you don't feel comfortable kissing, you could give her a hug and hold on for a little bit longer, or just do it in a slightly more intimate way, if you want to communicate something to her. Or you could even stretch out a hand and see if she'll take it for a hand embrace or whatever, at the end of the date, and looking in her eyes. Just the point is here to communicate if you are possibly interested in something more than friendship or if she is. You can just say it too, if body language is more challenging for you.

I think the only real issue here would be that if you don't communicate attraction for her, she might assume you are not interested in her. So perhaps imagine some way to tell someone you haven't known well you are interested--either with words, expression, or body language. But that's only IF you know your feelings. Sounds like you don't.

I agree with the analogy of art that @Llyralen made--there's nothing wrong with going on dates even if they lead to nowhere either. Every little bit of experience will give you new information that could help you in the future.

Also, if you went on ONE date with her, then it would be weird if she made a tictok about you sending mixed signals. She might have just been talking about someone else.

Personally, if I went on a date with someone and told them a bunch of shit life experiences, it'd probably be more likely that I had already not invested too much into the idea of dating them. At best it's YOLO and candid honesty, and at worst it's her pushing you away because she doesn't feel ready.

I would say that it almost sounds like she was pushing you away a little, as much as you're blaming yourself for it. And if you lack dating experience, of course you're not going to know how to react to that.

At least that's my perspective as someone who's had a troubled path and has experience dating.

It's also possible she was being more candid as a way of letting you open up more and see where you might go without the constraints of "dating" (so friendship), but you were more focused on following a formula for dating--which is fine, but I just think both of you were clashing there. It's not that you did something wrong.

I mean, she could have just done her side on accident, but doesn't it seem odd to you that you are trying to follow this dating advice about kissing to a T, and she's throwing common knowledge about dating out the window by discussing topics that are totally taboo for a first date? What's going on there? Don't blame it on your incompetence.

You guys were on different pages for some reason--if you feel strongly about her then you can figure out what that reason is and maybe rectify it and create a deeper intellectual intimacy, at least, but if not then don't blame yourself for everything.
 
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