Personality Cafe banner
1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,347 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It’s not too far out there to say that most of us are rather picky and choosey with the type of people we open ourselves up to. Those we deem worthy could be those we feel are similar to ourselves, perhaps they have to be a romantic interest, maybe it’s about knowing them for a period of time, could be passing some of our character “tests,” or it could just be someone we intuitively feel we can trust. Whatever it may be, we want to evolve that relationship with them. Ideally, they want the same too, but what about those instances when that isn’t the case?

We're talking about a person you interact with at school/work, someone you're curious about, but haven't said much to, perhaps the mail man or a cashier that always seems friendly with you, maybe it's someone you have a crush on or it can be a pre-existing relationship (romantic, friend, or family). Now, let’s look at this in a more realistic level. How many people in our lives give us that inkling that they're essentially open to expanding their present relationship with us? Likely few, if any. How many are perfectly content with the way things are? Most, if not all... Have you ever had that sense that you have more you wish to give to specific others, but they don’t really want or even need it from you? Why are so many people easily satisfied, perhaps even complacent, that they don’t feel that desire to get to know more about who you are? Some people prefer to just keep it simple, perhaps stagnant, if you prefer cynical phrasing. Why?

Questions to inspire thought (feel free to deviate or respond in story form).
  • How often do you find yourself in slanted dynamics with people where you may be deeply invested, if not obsessive, while you're more of an afterthought to them?
  • Would you say you're a more intense person than most and in part to that, you're often disheartened when people can't match you?
  • Have you ever wanted to open up to someone, but you got the sense they'd likely say TMI (too much information), get awkward, or alike?
  • Presently, can you think of anyone you want to develop a deeper bond with, but you're basically stonewalled because of them?
  • While you may enjoy or get along with someone, do you feel the slightest form of rejection based on the fact that it seemingly can't go further than you want it to?

Bonus (for the bold)
  • If you can think of someone this applies to in your life, who is it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
225 Posts
I am now thinking so hard, my thoughts are running wild and I'm unable to write down any of them o_o trying to anyway ^^

Yeah I know those situations...and oh how I know them. Sometimes I feel even really selfish for wanting to become an important part in a persons life and I draw back from those people. Watching form the distance (like a stalker...o_o but... pssssss don't tell anyone).

It is hard building up deep friendships or whatever the older I get. My only childhood friend replaced me long ago with someone different and all the people I get to know now have already built up friendships, relationships and lifes. I feel I have no right to be in there and it needs a lot for me to open up. People rarely call me to meet up. It is often me doing the step and this really makes me feel like an intruder. People don't ask for me. They ask for the right words in the right moment. They survived till now without me so they can do it the rest of their life too.

I get really awkward if I want to open up and 'connect' more. If the people do not react to my awkwardness in a 'oh, haha, no problem, just be yourself, i like you anyway' -way I just leave the scene because I feel too unwanted and too insecure to try more. :/

now i have to think some more in silence xD this is a really good thread.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
538 Posts
* The dynamics in aquaintances are almost always slanted to the other person. I therefore only try to get deeper with people I sense can return interest and reciprocate friendship. In most of my friendships/relationships, I do the heavy lifting. In some, the other person far outshines me in thoughtful acts, remembering birthdays, etc.

* I'm capable of being very intense, and possibly intimidating...except when I'm not. Then people just approach me & start pouring out their soul. I may wear the intimidating intensity to ward that off when I'm not open to it.

* I'm usually never going to open up that way to someone I just met. I have a few stories from my life, anecdotes, etc that I tend to repeat with new people to maybe appear that I'm being open (I've noticed this to my embarrassment). But really, I have to trust someone to a certain extent before they get more from me (Except when I post on Message Boards apparently).

* Yeah, there's a a couple of "stonewallers" in my life. What I perceive to be happening with one is that they are very sensitive & afraid to reveal insecurities and open up because they don't know me that well. I have a way of disarming people when I want to know more about them. This person is really hurting & suffering and I just feel an overwhelming need to help, inspire, and love on them because they inspire me.

*No, I don't typically feel that way overall. There may be times that I do, but if tgey are willing to put up with my flaws and weirdness, I find I can forgive a friend for theirs.
 

·
Registered
INFJ 6w5, 1w2, 2w1 Sx/Sp
Joined
·
10,578 Posts
How often do you find yourself in slanted dynamics with people where you may be deeply invested, if not obsessive, while you're more of an afterthought to them?
Often enough.

Would you say you're a more intense person than most and in part to that, you're often disheartened when people can't match you?
Yeah, I was talking to my husband about this recently. He said it's just something I'm going to have to accept. It's the only way I can stay sane and honestly, it's okay. Recognizing that the person has a totally seperate world from me is kind of liberating. I'm just glad I have my own world that I can retreat to. I can stop being so torn up about it and let go. I'm more than blessed with what I already have. I can't complain. I'm just greedy.

Have you ever wanted to open up to someone, but you got the sense they'd likely say TMI (too much information), get awkward, or alike?
All the time. I'm pretty sure someone cut me off because of TMI once. It really hurt because there was no explanation. I had to make my own closure. I'm such a baby.

Presently, can you think of anyone you want to develop a deeper bond with, but you're basically stonewalled because of them?
Yeah, but I've made peace with it. Basically I felt like this person wants to be vulnerable without the "consequences" that come with being vulnerable. Putting your stuff out there and then when I empathize - that being uncomfortable due to pride and wanting to have the appearance like they still have it all together etc. Basically receiving my empathy as pity. I don't pity people. We're all in the same boat for goodness sake. I just want to empower people. Blows up in my face. Pride kills intimacy. I am learning to be grateful for what a person is willing to give me.


Also, people only have so many "slots" availible in their lives - especially when they have a family. It can make it harder to prioritize - especially if the person already feels obligated to a bunch of people who are terrible at reciprocating.




While you may enjoy or get along with someone, do you feel the slightest form of rejection based on the fact that it seemingly can't go further than you want it to?
Totally. How about that moment when you think you're really close friends only to realize you're not on the same level friend wise as you thought? They highly value you but it's not the same as....ugh, I don't know how to explain it. I don't care if the person doesn't want to hear me go on about myself. Just tell me that when all is said and done, you consider us close - in the same way. I know it's not something I'm entitled to - I just thought it was an unspoken thing but then there's little red flags here and there and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm rambling now and not making sense.


I try to explain but it always just looks like I'm complaining about them rambling on about their own stuff. No, I enjoy that. I could listen to it all day.

If you can think of someone this applies to in your life, who is it?
Someone I've been friends with for a while now.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,318 Posts
Man, I like your thread. Very interesting as I do ask myself these questions often. I find a lot of people superficial. They seek quick, cheap and easy satisfaction, they don't have the need for a deeper meaning. It's so painful to watch. I would like to talk to someone that does not do this. So that we get to share awkward meanings and ideas. But you see, even INFJs are shocked by other INFJs so I guess some things must remain within yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,052 Posts
I’ve been feeling lonely more lately than I have in my whole life, yet I feel I know myself deeper than I ever have. Luckily, dotted throughout this new annoying loneliness are some pretty special people in my life. When they’re actively involved in my life I feel rich…a good male friend and a mom and a dad. Sometimes they get busy and I feel like I’m free-floating alone in the world, it’s weirdness. This is all new to me. So I guess mostly I just bide my time and wait for them to come back because yes, it’s hard to find others who want to open up and hear me open up. It takes time though, I’ve known these three people forever, betting the long term relationships develop without us really seeing it, then BAM 20 years later you’re realizing you’ve known them forever.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
493 Posts
In a word, yes.


When you go swimming by yourself, you can go as far into the deep end as you want to. When you go swimming with someone else, you can only go as far into the deep end as they want to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
493 Posts
In a word, yes.


When you go swimming by yourself, you can go as far into the deep end as you want to. When you go swimming with someone else, you can only go as far into the deep end as they want to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
493 Posts
"Some prefer to keep it simple, stagnant...why?"

There is a particular person in my life, I would love to get the answer to this from them. I really would love to know their answer. In the absence of an answer from the person, my theory is that they want to see what they can get while giving as little as possible. They think in terms of zero-sum about things that are not limited resources. Or they just don't care. Either way, a paradigm is at work that I can't really relate to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,052 Posts
@hppygrl

There's a book I read called "Women Who Love Too Much;" While I don't wish to overgeneralize that it's only women who can be overgivers, there are definitely two extremes I've seen that seek to be balanced...those who are inherently more closed or selfish need to learn to open and give more, and those who are more open and overgiving need to learn to close a bit and give less. I had someone suggest to me that I just find people who were equally open and giving, but it's not always easy, and has been quite beneficial for me to balance myself by closing up a bit and giving less!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
493 Posts
@hppygrl

There's a book I read called "Women Who Love Too Much;" While I don't wish to overgeneralize that it's only women who can be overgivers, there are definitely two extremes I've seen that seek to be balanced...those who are inherently more closed or selfish need to learn to open and give more, and those who are more open and overgiving need to learn to close a bit and give less. I had someone suggest to me that I just find people who were equally open and giving, but it's not always easy, and has been quite beneficial for me to balance myself by closing up a bit and giving less!
Hi @StableSun35

Thanks for posting your thoughts on this. I would respond that I think it depends on what one's goal is. I read your post, and the OP by @Lad and thought about them both as they relate to something I've thought a lot about. You and I may just be using different terms for the same thing, as you say closing up and I would use the term boundaries to refer to how to interact with certain people.

Big picture though, I think it depends what one's goal is. If I had changed myself for the particular person I had in mind regarding my post here, I would be worse off in the long run. We should be careful if we toy with who we really are and try to change it for someone else. we should hold a compass to see if we are veering off course in the big picture sense of who we are and what we want to experience in life. There's another thread right now where that is referred to as strengthening one's Ti.

In regards to @Lad's original post here, I think that what caught my eye was that I too have wondered why people seem content not to want more from us, and then he said "and they don't want to get to know more of who you are". This hit the nail on the head for some things I've experienced because in giving someone more of ourselves we offer up more of ourselves and it can be hard to understand people don't want to get to know us through broadening the scope of interactive giving. If that makes sense.

I probably shouldn't have posted about the person I had in mind when I posted. They defended their right to stay closed off with me, which is fine, but they didn't respond when I questioned why they were comfortable with the dynamic where I gave and they stayed closed off. After that of course our relationship wilted. It would probably be hard for them to defend their right to take more than they give. And even if they did defend it, it would be hard for me to pretend that human relationships are a zero sum game because I don't believe that. It can be difficult to dialogue when each person is coming from a different paradigm.

In practicality, I think that "women who give too much" advances an argument that helps a person not get taken advantage of. Philosophically and perhaps spiritually I question the "too much". Such is the way of an idealist. :)

Thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,052 Posts
Hi @StableSun35

Thanks for posting your thoughts on this. I would respond that I think it depends on what one's goal is. I read your post, and the OP by @Lad and thought about them both as they relate to something I've thought a lot about. You and I may just be using different terms for the same thing, as you say closing up and I would use the term boundaries to refer to how to interact with certain people.

Big picture though, I think it depends what one's goal is. If I had changed myself for the particular person I had in mind regarding my post here, I would be worse off in the long run. We should be careful if we toy with who we really are and try to change it for someone else. we should hold a compass to see if we are veering off course in the big picture sense of who we are and what we want to experience in life. There's another thread right now where that is referred to as strengthening one's Ti.

In regards to @Lad's original post here, I think that what caught my eye was that I too have wondered why people seem content not to want more from us, and then he said "and they don't want to get to know more of who you are". This hit the nail on the head for some things I've experienced because in giving someone more of ourselves we offer up more of ourselves and it can be hard to understand people don't want to get to know us through broadening the scope of interactive giving. If that makes sense.

I probably shouldn't have posted about the person I had in mind when I posted. They defended their right to stay closed off with me, which is fine, but they didn't respond when I questioned why they were comfortable with the dynamic where I gave and they stayed closed off. After that of course our relationship wilted. It would probably be hard for them to defend their right to take more than they give. And even if they did defend it, it would be hard for me to pretend that human relationships are a zero sum game because I don't believe that. It can be difficult to dialogue when each person is coming from a different paradigm.

In practicality, I think that "women who give too much" advances an argument that helps a person not get taken advantage of. Philosophically and perhaps spiritually I question the "too much". Such is the way of an idealist. :)

Thoughts?
I agree that it maybe sounds as if we are talking about the same or similar things, and that your goals are important. I’ve been kind of strong in believing the set of ideas that I shared, it will take me a bit to absorb and think about the ones you presented, though they seem smart (though not all that different)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
I keep a distance from 99% of people but then when I decide someone is worth it, they have my full attention. I sometimes feel like the robot child in AI who's mother says that sequence of words to make him love her, and once it's said, it can never be switched off.

I think the 100% intensity version of me is too much for most people to handle. I have a very intense close relationship with my partner, but haven't been able to have a close friendship of the depth I'd like for a long time. The last one I tried resulted in my friend literally telling me they just wanted a casual friendship and they didn't want to see me as 'special' in the way I viewed them.

I often wish I had deeper, closer friends, but I'm too picky and expect too much. I vacillate between trying to accept my INfJness, wishing I could change and be more like an ENFJ or ESFJ, or wondering if I should just try to get some casual friendships with people I'll never feel a deep connection with. Does anyone else ever feel like that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
493 Posts
I agree that it maybe sounds as if we are talking about the same or similar things, and that your goals are important. I’ve been kind of strong in believing the set of ideas that I shared, it will take me a bit to absorb and think about the ones you presented, though they seem smart (though not all that different)
We are very likely talking about similar things and approaches. When I re-read the last line of your post about closing up and giving a bit less, I can say that I totally have done this in the last few yeasr myself for my own health and sanity so I definitely agree. I think I am just sad that it has to be this way. I consider generosity of spirit really important but I've recently put more boundaries and the boundaries have been good for me. So there you go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
493 Posts
I find those casual friendships are hit and miss. If you have a good time with them, it can work IMHO.

I keep a distance from 99% of people but then when I decide someone is worth it, they have my full attention. I sometimes feel like the robot child in AI who's mother says that sequence of words to make him love her, and once it's said, it can never be switched off.

I think the 100% intensity version of me is too much for most people to handle. I have a very intense close relationship with my partner, but haven't been able to have a close friendship of the depth I'd like for a long time. The last one I tried resulted in my friend literally telling me they just wanted a casual friendship and they didn't want to see me as 'special' in the way I viewed them.

I often wish I had deeper, closer friends, but I'm too picky and expect too much. I vacillate between trying to accept my INfJness, wishing I could change and be more like an ENFJ or ESFJ, or wondering if I should just try to get some casual friendships with people I'll never feel a deep connection with. Does anyone else ever feel like that?
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top