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Greetings Fellow ENFP!

I am coming out of Lurkdom to join your wonderful PersonalityCafe forum, and hopefully make a contribution here that will appeal to your extraverted intuition.

I have been married for over 14 years to a highly extraverted ESTJ. I am a small E so I probably adapt to more of an I lifestyle around her, but this is okay with me as the FP in me says this is okay in order to create harmony, and I am actually quite comfortable allowing her to express herself. Not only have I been happily married to her, my only other romantic relationship as a young man was with an ESTJ and I seemed to attract ESTJ's as my other dating options were almost always ESTJ as well.

Having newly embraced my ENFP personality I went looking for how other ENFPs think, act, and find romantic bliss. I read through many pages of the ENFP forum here and found lots of interest in INTJ and INFP and ENFP but no one mentioning ESTJ except in the occasional rip as as being the Anti-ENFP 'Bull in a China Shop' type that will make us crazy.

This has lead me to a couple of questions. I will attempt to answer, but I would really like your answers and observations both of my comments and your own experiences as well. (Thanks in advance)


1. What is it about ESTJ that appeals so much to me?
Don't get me wrong, my ENFP/ESTJ marriage has had it's rocky cliffs, but as a couple we discover new and exciting ways to view the world each and every day. No matter the difficulty that life throws at us, between us we feel we can tackle it. Even before we had personality typing done it was obvious to us both that we had personality traits that ran counter to each other but also made us formidable as a team. I might not give a rip if the cable bill is a few days late, but she gets it paid in time. She might have difficulty working with a particular boss or co-worker but we talk through how to work office politics and see a problem from the other person's perspective enabling her the career growth that she so aspires for. Simple examples here, but this is the type of thing that works with the dichotomy we present as a couple.

But that's not really the romantic appeal. The romantic appeal to me is more about the roller coaster ride. I like to think I can tame the lion. I know what I'm going to get from her. It's enormous enthusiasm and drive to succeed and perform. The challenge lies in how to channel that drive to get to where I want to be. Give my dreams the tenacity needed to make them reality.

Funny story about my wife - When I first met her she was correcting a senile professor on all sorts of little math errors he was making in his lectures to the class. I was instantly turned off by this, I mean couldn't everyone in the class see what he meant and that the poor guy didn't need to take the ego hit this was proving to be for him? Months later when I switched to independent study for this class I needed someone to bring me the handouts given in lecture, and this feisty brunette with really nice legs volunteered to bring them to me twice a week.

I think I was a mark for this ESTJ. She chose to bring me my papers to me while I was at my campus job. I had found a gravy train job where all I had to do was watch a desk at the campus information office - EASY MONEY! Well, she knew this and decided to make it her personal forum for expunging everything about her and her and her life to a captive audience. Funny thing happened in this process, even though she could talk for almost two hours straight without ever inhaling, I at no point was ever bored with the 'conversation'. Her world views and life-experiences were so different from mine I was truly fascinated by this and really wanted to learn MORE.

This quest for understanding the TJ and how it fits in the social world web I actually think is the basis of the romantic attraction. Maybe I'm a complete oddball in this, but 14 years later I still don't understand her and that's completely wonderful to me.


2. What is it about me(and/or ENFP) that attracts ESTJ?
I really have no theories on this one at all. I'm more on a fishing expedition here to see if any of you also attract ESTJ. Has anyone else experienced being an ESTJ magnet? If you went along with it, could you handle the ride? 14 years into marriage, I clean up the relationship fallout on an almost daily basis that she leaves behind. I can understand the desire not to have to deal with this, but I've always felt that I'm well suited to handle this task.

I was being pursued by another ESTJ at the same time that I began dating my wife. You could cut the tension with a knife when I was in a room with the two of them together. Was really a fun thing to experience, lmao.


Thanks everyone for following along in my dissertation on ESTJ. I've really enjoyed reading your posts and look forward to contributing to your discussions in the future.
 

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Well, my old ENFP friend is dating an ESTJ. He's really into her and loves that she's kind of "brash" and "controlling." I like her, too. I think the two of them are super cute together. :tongue:

I tend to like female ESTJs a lot. I'm not so sure about male folk...we tend to clash more often than not. I had an ESTJ Chinese tutor in China and I always tried to make her laugh while we were doing our oral practise. I would try to be as outrageous as possible and I loved it when she'd get a huge kick out of it. We weren't tight (like, I don't talk to her now I'm back in Canada) but we got along pretty great. I really enjoyed our friendship.

As far as dating ESTJ men, I don't know if I could. Not saying they're not great people! I just don't think I could go for that in a romantic thing.

Actually, come to think of it, another male ENFP friend is engaged to an xSTJ (leaning more towards extrovert). They are great together and I like her loads, too. Maybe the male/female thing makes a difference?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
As far as dating ESTJ men, I don't know if I could. Not saying they're not great people! I just don't think I could go for that in a romantic thing.

Actually, come to think of it, another male ENFP friend is engaged to an xSTJ (leaning more towards extrovert). They are great together and I like her loads, too. Maybe the male/female thing makes a difference?
Wow, I never thought of it quite from that angle before.... Most other ENFP's I know are female and yeah I think I could see how they might be disturbed with an image that might seem like she was somehow being controlled by her partner.

For me, it's more like feeling like the navigator has at least as much power as the captain. I don't feel controlled, I just don't need to be the one always responsible for steering the ship itself. There's a lot of detail oriented stuff to deal with in a marriage especially with kids in the mix. She keeps me from getting in trouble there. I chart the bigger picture, where should we be heading as a couple? as a family? She makes sure I don't just feed my kids chocolate cake for breakfast every day!
 

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AgAu - thank you for our post and for revealing the details of your relationship with your ESTJ wife. This just reconfirms that any type paring can work given the right attitude, life experience and adequate communication.

I don't think that I have ever dated an ESTJ, however, I have been around them. I was in a very corporate Fortune 500 financial services career path heading to middle management. I was given the MB personality test. I discovered at that time that I was an ENFP trying to fit into and ESTJ and ENTJ world...no wonder I felt stressed and square peg-ish. Needless to say, I got off of that career path and have found a better equilibrium on the professional front.

My step-mother is and ESTJ and I am seeing the development of her relationship with my father who is an ISTJ. She pretty much dominates the relationship which I am having a difficult time relating to because I grew up viewing my father as a strong, authoritarian, head of the family type of father and now I am having a challenging time relating to them and feeling sometimes defensive in trying to be true to myself and my life decisions yet also trying to deal with their judgmental approvals or disapprovals (hahaha - not an easy task, what-ever your age is).

I must say that I am not particularly attracted to the ESTJ personality type...maybe it's the drive, the need to be right, the constant correcting and trying to mold me into a shape that I am not...not sure...maybe I have just not met the right ESTJ for me...or I have been influenced negatively by other ESTJs in my life and I have subconsciously closed myself off to them.
 
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I dated an ESTJ years ago. He was my first boyfriend. We had great conversational chemistry and couldn't get enough of each other. He was a really great guy. He always tried so hard to make me happy and understand me, and was extremely dedicated to the relationship. In the short time we got to know each other, we formed a really close bond but eventually broke up because I had to go overseas for half a year.

Now we're really good friends. He ended up marrying an INFJ/P, who I think is wonderful for him. I think at times he can be judgemental and simple minded, and he never did quite understand me (the difference between dating N vs S). The INFJ/P nurtures him, softens his temper and helps him learn to be more open minded.
 

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I have been dating a darling estj feisty for a good 2.5 years. And we are now engaged and things are amazing. I ADORE the fact that she is so strong and determined, it is harsh sometimes and man she's russian too so it kinda doubles the umph because that accent while sexy in some ways can also scare the living crap outta me. But she always seeks truth and wants to do the BEST for US. She is rigid and i'm a wave, she is gorgeous and i'm a bit of an eccentric. We don't even know how we fit, BUT IT JUST WORKS. She can talk for hours and normally i am the one that talks for hours, but her viewpoints her take on life it just blows me away. She is super passionate and devoted to me and serves me in a way i have never seen a woman love. She intentionally wants to do things for me like when i say stop, she says no. I WANT TO DO IT FOR YOU. it's like i have no choice but to be spoiled sometimes. It's a really cute and quirky feature how she always puts me first. She is the most generous and kind gal i know. I love her to bits @agua.

Can I ask you if we could correspond sometimes and i could question you a bit as a fellow ENFP on how to make things successful sometimes with an ESTJ. She sounds a lot like your determined ESTJ and i know a lot of shrinks and psychologists have said ESTJ ENFP relationships are super hard. But honestly, i agree with you it's not, but there are some patchy areas. wow are there some! HAHAH But overall this is the most fulfilled I've ever felt in my whole life. And I LOVE HER. I would love to know more about you and your wife. Please tell me some more things about how you guys connect and talk and share viewpoints. Even how you guys do things on a daily basis where instances of difference would normally crush each other but how you guys work around it. I would love to know! Have an awesome day! Thank you for confirming to me more that this type of relationship REALLY CAN WORK GREAT!
 

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My 2 cents; I confess a soft spot for a good ESTJ :)

I do have a great working relationship with ESTJs and I do find them pretty sexy. They get stuff done!
 

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I love ESTJs! I have had very good working relationships with several ESTJ female bosses over the years. I dont think an ESTJ would date me, as I am a bit odd, but I tend to mesh extremely well with how they approach problems, so they are very easy to advise-it is extremely natural to provide them with feedback on ideas and help them see a slightly wider view of the problem. It turn they seem to trust my judgment and admire my ballsy creativity and passion.

As I have gotten older, I have started asking ESTJs for advice on how to more effectively utilize my own Te/Si. I find I am doing things that very young ESTJs did, as my infantile functions grow in, so they are extremely good role models for how to use those bottom functions more effectively.

They also think my Ne is weird, but they also can kinda follow it, so I can get the occasionally laugh :)

The end feeling is one of nodding our heads in agreement as we reach the same conclusion.
 

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ESTJs and ENFPs click really well. Ne-Fi-Te-Si meets Te-Si-Ne-Fi, the functions stimulate one another.
 

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Xstj can work as friend/collegue, unless we become too close. There are differences that we can't change and which become more apparent the closer we come within each others spheres. But if we can respect each others differences and at the same time maintain a safety zone between us, it can play out quite well.

So, for me, xstj is not the easiest match for romance.
 
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