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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So now that the school year is winding down I decided to try the dating game a bit. So I noticed a common theme among many of the girls I talk to.

I've always been a very driven person and I always had a nature to work hard, but developing that nature also developed an intensity in me.

With a girl I'm interested some of my intensity carries over, and it has this weird effect.

I'll guess I'll give an example: There is a friend I knew from social circles that I wasn't that close to, but I thought she was really pretty and wanted to get to know her more. I don't have trouble being assertive or approaching someone so I just walked up to her and started talking to her. And the whole time she seemed...almost nervous.

IDK, I was able to maintain eye contact with her the entire time while she never looked back at me directly except for a few seconds and then looked away. She also was a bit restless too, like she'd do stuff where she was moving or rubbing her arm, or playing with her hair or fidgeting with her feet. We talked about her major and her career aspirations but she was the one who cut the convo short and left. I wondered if I did something wrong, but when I saw her again she was happy to talk to me and open to talk to me, but she was acting the same way and it seemed like she was nervous.

It's happened with a lot of girls that I don't know well and I try to reach out to. Is this a good thing? It doesn't seem like they dislike me but it seems at times that I intimidate them
 

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Yeah, you're coming on them too strong, bro. I think aspirations are kinda too big of a subject to ask right off the bat, maybe kinda too nerdy as well.

I know it's tricky. Some guys can be also proactive, but somehow nail it. I dunno how to describe it, maybe they're the right combination of attractive and friendly. I think you might want to try working on looking like you're not trying too hard. Like, just be more chill, don't think that that they have boobs and vaginas, just imagine they're dudes, but be very polite and realize they may not share your culture/interests. Yes, I know how annoying these dating tips are, I'm not a fan of them myself :|
 

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Electronica Wizard
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Like, just be more chill, don't think that that they have boobs and vaginas, just imagine they're dudes, but be very polite and realize they may not share your culture/interests.
:laughing: True.
 
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Maybe it's not you and she wasn't in the mood to be approached, or maybe you often approach people with too much?

l think the way l get to know most strangers l could see myself being friends with is with a build-up of casual conversation. Maybe an ''oh, hey'' here in passing for no real reason, you could select them out particularly in a group setting if you have a question you could easily ask anyone but use as an excuse to get to know them better.

If there is a draw between two people, most of the time both of them feel it which makes them slightly more receptive to the things l mentioned. If you do feel like you have to try extremely hard to get someone's attention or interest, you may not be approaching the right people or kind of looking at this in a one-sided way.
 

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:laughing: True.
Omg, seeing myself being quoted makes me realize that I, myself, have no game when it comes to attractive guys (T__T). It's easy to be friends with other guys, but when you're attracted to someone, it's difficult to forget that they have dicks & balls.

My heart goes out to you, OP
 

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Electronica Wizard
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Omg, seeing myself being quoted makes me realize that I, myself, have no game when it comes to attractive guys (T__T). It's easy to be friends with other guys, but when you're attracted to someone, it's difficult to forget that they have dicks & balls.

My heart goes out to you, OP
When I'm attracted to someone, I ignore him.. It's very strange. It's similar to looking directly towards the sun, so I wear sunglasses every time I talk to him.
 

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So now that the school year is winding down I decided to try the dating game a bit. So I noticed a common theme among many of the girls I talk to.

I've always been a very driven person and I always had a nature to work hard, but developing that nature also developed an intensity in me.

With a girl I'm interested some of my intensity carries over, and it has this weird effect.

I'll guess I'll give an example: There is a friend I knew from social circles that I wasn't that close to, but I thought she was really pretty and wanted to get to know her more. I don't have trouble being assertive or approaching someone so I just walked up to her and started talking to her. And the whole time she seemed...almost nervous.

IDK, I was able to maintain eye contact with her the entire time while she never looked back at me directly except for a few seconds and then looked away. She also was a bit restless too, like she'd do stuff where she was moving or rubbing her arm, or playing with her hair or fidgeting with her feet. We talked about her major and her career aspirations but she was the one who cut the convo short and left. I wondered if I did something wrong, but when I saw her again she was happy to talk to me and open to talk to me, but she was acting the same way and it seemed like she was nervous.

It's happened with a lot of girls that I don't know well and I try to reach out to. Is this a good thing? It doesn't seem like they dislike me but it seems at times that I intimidate them
not everyone is interested in talking
 

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Electronica Wizard
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So now that the school year is winding down I decided to try the dating game a bit. So I noticed a common theme among many of the girls I talk to.

I've always been a very driven person and I always had a nature to work hard, but developing that nature also developed an intensity in me.

With a girl I'm interested some of my intensity carries over, and it has this weird effect.

I'll guess I'll give an example: There is a friend I knew from social circles that I wasn't that close to, but I thought she was really pretty and wanted to get to know her more. I don't have trouble being assertive or approaching someone so I just walked up to her and started talking to her. And the whole time she seemed...almost nervous.

IDK, I was able to maintain eye contact with her the entire time while she never looked back at me directly except for a few seconds and then looked away. She also was a bit restless too, like she'd do stuff where she was moving or rubbing her arm, or playing with her hair or fidgeting with her feet. We talked about her major and her career aspirations but she was the one who cut the convo short and left. I wondered if I did something wrong, but when I saw her again she was happy to talk to me and open to talk to me, but she was acting the same way and it seemed like she was nervous.

It's happened with a lot of girls that I don't know well and I try to reach out to. Is this a good thing? It doesn't seem like they dislike me but it seems at times that I intimidate them
Perhaps you could make the conversation less like a job interview. I mean there is nothing wrong with you. Some people can get very fidgety when asked about career aspirations. The prospect of going through an interview is already stressful and if the girl is actually interested in you, she would have wanted to impressed you without giving you half-baked answers. Maybe she's still figuring out what she wants to do in life. Maybe you could inspire her or something. Don't make her think that she's not good enough.
 

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IDK, I was able to maintain eye contact with her the entire time while she never looked back at me directly except for a few seconds and then looked away. She also was a bit restless too, like she'd do stuff where she was moving or rubbing her arm, or playing with her hair or fidgeting with her feet. We talked about her major and her career aspirations but she was the one who cut the convo short and left. I wondered if I did something wrong, but when I saw her again she was happy to talk to me and open to talk to me, but she was acting the same way and it seemed like she was nervous.
These are all signs that I'm disinterested.

Actually, when guys who intimidate me, especially, maintain eye contact I find it incredibly exciting and I like to rise to the challenge.

I'd focus more on trying to warm these women up or refining your approach then placing the burden of the fault of the interaction on them (they're just intimidated). That can come off as arrogance, and nothing is less attractive than an arrogant dude you weren't even attracted to in the first place.
 

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I'm very shy, so acting like a deer in the headlights and being, say, fidgety out of awkwardness are not signs I dislike someone. In fact, the more I dislike someone, the more comfortable I can be (because I have less concern over how I appear), and the more forward I will be in removing myself or getting them to leave.

I think people have varying responses, and they can be contradictory even (someone can avoid you because they find you sooo attractive that you make them nervous or they can avoid you 'cause they cannot stand you!), so it can be best to gauge someone's behavior towards you in the context of their personality (especially how they are towards people they don't know well, as behavior towards close friends will be different also). It's still very confusing and why I don't find learning Fe social scripts to be THAT helpful, although playing by them can help you be read more clearly by others (as they like to pretend these scripts actually reflect people's feelings). Perhaps your intuition will help here, although you may be less used to applying it to personal interactions than objective goals.

Are you going for more shy, reserved girls? Then this response may just be how they are initially with strangers, especially someone more direct and outgoing. But if they are pretty socially comfortable and outgoing themselves, then this may mean they don't like you.

I agree not to ask too many questions about their life plans, because it can be difficult for someone to answer that on the spot and may make them feel like you are judging them instead of just getting to know them. People tend to reveal things like that more slowly. For me, it's more helpful if someone says something about themselves and then leaves an opening for me to relate, so it's a more natural back and forth than a grilling with questions. I am shy and a Fi type, which means this probably doesn't apply to everyone at all, but the general idea is to make it more about building an initial, personal rapport than gathering factual information.

However, if you are picking up that someone is probably just nervous and not disliking you, then trust that. It may not mean you need to adjust much, but that other people have some initial nervousness to get over with new acquaintances.

Pretty much you have to be an ExxP to charm people's pants off and immediately build rapport and make them comfortable, and not even all of them have honed that gift. Since that's not most people's natural way of being, then it's not very effective in the long-run to adopt it as a strategy, although you can definitely learn from it and work some of it into your natural style.
 

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I think that intimidated is the wrong word.

It comes off invasive and interrogating.

I would like to really emphasize women like confidence not arrogance.

If you peacock and snowflake yourself and talk about your credentials too much like your at a job interview that will turn them off.

Many men make the mistake of talking at women not with them.

Rather then focusing on things you care about (drive and success) maybe get more into tune on asking things about them, mildly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I'm very shy, so acting like a deer in the headlights and being, say, fidgety out of awkwardness are not signs I dislike someone. In fact, the more I dislike someone, the more comfortable I can be (because I have less concern over how I appear), and the more forward I will be in removing myself or getting them to leave.

I think people have varying responses, and they can be contradictory even (someone can avoid you because they find you sooo attractive that you make them nervous or they can avoid you 'cause they cannot stand you!), so it can be best to gauge someone's behavior towards you in the context of their personality (especially how they are towards people they don't know well, as behavior towards close friends will be different also). It's still very confusing and why I don't find learning Fe social scripts to be THAT helpful, although playing by them can help you be read more clearly by others (as they like to pretend these scripts actually reflect people's feelings). Perhaps your intuition will help here, although you may be less used to applying it to personal interactions than objective goals.

Are you going for more shy, reserved girls? Then this response may just be how they are initially with strangers, especially someone more direct and outgoing. But if they are pretty socially comfortable and outgoing themselves, then this may mean they don't like you.

I agree not to ask too many questions about their life plans, because it can be difficult for someone to answer that on the spot and may make them feel like you are judging them instead of just getting to know them. People tend to reveal things like that more slowly. For me, it's more helpful if someone says something about themselves and then leaves an opening for me to relate, so it's a more natural back and forth than a grilling with questions. I am shy and a Fi type, which means this probably doesn't apply to everyone at all, but the general idea is to make it more about building an initial, personal rapport than gathering factual information.

However, if you are picking up that someone is probably just nervous and not disliking you, then trust that. It may not mean you need to adjust much, but that other people have some initial nervousness to get over with new acquaintances.

Pretty much you have to be an ExxP to charm people's pants off and immediately build rapport and make them comfortable, and not even all of them have honed that gift. Since that's not most people's natural way of being, then it's not very effective in the long-run to adopt it as a strategy, although you can definitely learn from it and work some of it into your natural style.

Yeah I get you. Maybe I shouldn't brought up the career example, it was just the moment she left, but we talked a lot about other things like her hometown, what clubs she was in etc, but she was acting like that throughout throughout. I don't think it was the subject matter because we talked about lot more things than that. It's just I'm a very intense person, and it's really hard to describe.

The only person who has kept eye contact with me fully is my research professor, but this dude is a PhD, award winning researcher in quantum mechanics, so I can see why he has no problem with it.

From what I understand people aren't bothered that part about me especially with my friends. I do the same kind of intense staring to with them, but they know me, and they know when I'm focused on something, I am very focused, but it's just my personality quirk.

The thing is this girl doesn't seem to dislike me. If I text her, she texts back. If I say hi on the quad, she says hi back. in a group of friends she smiles and says hi.

It's just one on one and I'm alone with her, I get back into this intense focused mentality, and it's just something that comes over me naturally when I want something(even a girl).

She still will talk to me, and she hasn't told me to go away yet, it's just when we're one on one, she does the things I described.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I think that intimidated is the wrong word.

It comes off invasive and interrogating.

I would like to really emphasize women like confidence not arrogance.

If you peacock and snowflake yourself and talk about your credentials too much like your at a job interview that will turn them off.

Many men make the mistake of talking at women not with them.

Rather then focusing on things you care about (drive and success) maybe get more into tune on asking things about them, mildly.
I didn't talk about my credentials at all
 

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1) Maybe you're coming off as too invasive. Read the room.
2) Maybe she's not into you. She's trying to be friendly but it's coming off awkward
3) Maybe you should pursue girls who CAN and WILL stand up to you
 

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It sounds to me like she's actually interested and that you are doing nothing wrong.

The fidgeting IS because she's nervous, but the reason she is nervous is that she likes you and does not know what to do.

If you still are not sure you can cut contact for a week and gauge her reaction to know her thoughts.

I'd just say follow your gut.
 

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there's a lot of good advice here, so i'll just go more into what you can do, as opposed to the "what women want"-thing. (and by the way, from everything you've said here--bearing in mind that you could have easily misread the situation/left out key information--she's interested in you to a degree, and yes, you probably did catch her off guard).


a conversation, or just talking to someone with the intent of "just speaking to them"--even without the motive of "getting to know them better", let alone trying to get a date with them/etc--is having a conversation that hasn't happened yet. it's organic, and it's based within that moment.

don't let her be the sole thing in your mind, let alone the most important thing in your mind at that time. there's no reason she should be, as you don't know her and may find out you don't actually like her. it's a variable (the "liking" that may or may not happen), it can be anything, so just... tune yourself in with that moment, take in your surroundings, and do whatever seems natural.



also, maybe don't hold eye contact that's unbroken... even looking away while speaking, or looking at the ground while speaking, can put people at ease as it makes you look shy.
 

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I know the feels OP, I'm incredibly intense as well. In every encounter in my life I've been the one to approach guys and ask them out. I've never had a problem with it, if I see someone I want I go after them and it can be intimidating. Fortunately for me I'm a woman and some guys like that approach, and for you, there are women who like it too. This girl sounds more shy and maybe is displaying these fidgets and nervous tendencies because she does like you but doesn't know how to match your sexual energy.

As you're continuing to talk with her one-on-one, is she giving you one word answers and always looking away for a distraction (if so, she may be looking for an escape and not so interested) or is she more mumbling and looking down, maybe afraid to let you in closer to her and her world? Has she ever initiated contact (conversation, text, wave from across the room) or has it been all you? It's hard, but sometimes we do have to tone down our natural intensity and become more observant and try matching their energy, especially when pursuing extreme introverts. I wish you the best of luck.
 
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