[marshalAK]

A bit of background. My boyfriend is a relatively new divorcée (within the past year). We live just outside of Atlanta. His ex-wife lives in the area as well. I recently joined an outdoor hiking group and love it. I grew up in Tampa, spent all my summers hiking up north, and then lost the chance to do that while living in Tampa as an adult. Problem is, his ex-wife also belongs to the same outdoor club. It's a large club - about 500 regular members as far as I can tell - and tons of events occurring at any one time.

Well today I was scheduled to go hiking up in N. Georgia. Trip got canceled at the last second due to poor weather, so I looked at the calendar and picked another event occurring nearby.

Damned if his ex-wife wasn't there. I hadn't ever met her before, but I knew of her, and knew what she looked like. I wasn't sure if she was aware of my existence or not, but either way I kept my mouth shut the entire hike. We eight hikers had a great time, I went home, told my bf of my surreal and trippy hike.

Fast forward two hours, when he gets a message from a friend of the ex-wife. Ex-wife is insisting he make me quit "her" hiking club. Guess she was aware of my existence after all.

So this afternoon, instead of spent hanging out with my lovely bf, was spent doing damage control.

I know this drama is a) ridiculous - she's 35 and having her friend telling her ex husband to make the new gf go away? really? and b) not my problem.

But I feel awful. Normally I'm very in touch with my feelings, but I can't even begin to define why I'm so stressed about this. I feel this bizarre combination of guilt, anger and hurt and can't figure out where it's all coming from. My man and I had dinner together but we were planning on spending the whole afternoon together working on a car project, so that got tossed.

And now I really would love his company and to be snuggled with him, but Mr. INTJ needed tonight to himself to process everything - and I completely understand and respect that - but this ESFP occasionally doesn't need to be alone with her thoughts. This is one of those occasions.

Can someone help me process this mental mess so I can look at tomorrow with my usual positive attitude??

 

[catlauren]

I don't know if I should be putting my 2 cents here since I am not anywhere near your personality type (I'm an INFJ), but I'll give this a shot anyway...

Could you be feeling one or more of the following?:

1) Guilty because you didn't see it coming and perhaps if you did you could have done something to stop it
2) Annoyed/angry with your boyfriend for not immediately telling his ex where she could shove it
3) Hurt with the idea that he might actually care more about her feelings than yours

You didn't say much about the conversation between you and your BF, but if it went how I think it did based on what you did say, I would be pretty pissed off at him (because of #2 and #3). But it might have taken me awhile to realize I was pissed because of #1.

 

[OctoberSkye]

I don't know if I should be putting my 2 cents here since I am not anywhere near your personality type (I'm an INFJ), but I'll give this a shot anyway...

Could you be feeling one or more of the following?:

1) Guilty because you didn't see it coming and perhaps if you did you could have done something to stop it
2) Annoyed/angry with your boyfriend for not immediately telling his ex where she could shove it
3) Hurt with the idea that he might actually care more about her feelings than yours

You didn't say much about the conversation between you and your BF, but if it went how I think it did based on what you did say, I would be pretty pissed off at him (because of #2 and #3). But it might have taken me awhile to realize I was pissed because of #1.

I agree with all of this. I would be feeling #2 and #3, too. You didn't do anything wrong, and I think you need someone (your bf) to reassure you of that.

Oh his side, he might be feeling overwhelmed. He shouldn't have to be dealing with an immature, catty ex, but now he's inadvertently being forced to do so because you (even though he knows you didn't mean to) took a hike with her.

 

[marshalAK]

Cat,

Thanks for your reply. #3 hit it smack on the head.

He *did* back me up when he spoke with her, without my having to push him to do so, which meant a lot to me. Either way it really hurt to have our plans demolished because of this, and it hurts worse that this has thrown him so badly that he doesn't want me around right now, when I honestly really need him to be around. Occasionally I do need reassurance of my own awesome. Also to his credit is that he recognized that this situation has put me in a very uncomfortable position. Still it's just not enough right now. I really didn't want to be alone tonight.

 

[marshalAK]

Sky,

Precisely - and he did. He's really a wonderful bf. He told me tonight that he just needs to process it some and I was welcome over first thing in the morning. He also said that it was going to happen sometime, but neither of us expected it to be this soon and frankly this unnecessarily dramatic.

There's another dynamic going on here too that I should mention and it's related to #3 that Cat mentioned. This friend who got involved had a long history, towards the end of their marriage, of butting in where she didn't belong. She's spiteful, rude, and dislikes my bf for reasons specific to her and not anything S did or didn't do in the marriage. Her appearance today was a nasty blast from the past for him and I think it upset him way more than if his ex had contacted S herself. IE, a very "oh god not this sh*t again" kind of situation.

Sigh. I guess it's also bugging me that no matter who's fault it is or isn't, my bf was upset today, his ex is clearly really upset, the friend is up in arms....and it's all centered around me and my presence in his life. I hate hurt feelings, and I hate feeling like I'm in some part responsible for them. Unkindness is the worst sin I can think of.

 

[catlauren]

Cat,

Thanks for your reply. #3 hit it smack on the head.

He *did* back me up when he spoke with her, without my having to push him to do so, which meant a lot to me. Either way it really hurt to have our plans demolished because of this, and it hurts worse that this has thrown him so badly that he doesn't want me around right now, when I honestly really need him to be around. Occasionally I do need reassurance of my own awesome. Also to his credit is that he recognized that this situation has put me in a very uncomfortable position. Still it's just not enough right now. I really didn't want to be alone tonight.

Have you told him how you feel? If not, you really should when you see him. I don't think you can truly let go of being hurt until you express it to the person involved (even if they really haven't done anything wrong).

 

[marshalAK]

He knows that I felt terrible and he's tried to reassure me that it's nothing I did wrong. I figured out what's upsetting me though.

I may have done nothing wrong, but I'm getting punished for it and have been all day. First he canceled lunch. Then he sent me home. Then we went out to dinner, but he didn't want me around tonight after I expressly told him I did not want to spend tonight by myself in my empty house. Too bad.

I'm going to tell him this insight tomorrow morning when I see him and see what he says.

 

[catlauren]

He knows that I felt terrible and he's tried to reassure me that it's nothing I did wrong. I figured out what's upsetting me though.

I may have done nothing wrong, but I'm getting punished for it and have been all day. First he canceled lunch. Then he sent me home. Then we went out to dinner, but he didn't want me around tonight after I expressly told him I did not want to spend tonight by myself in my empty house. Too bad.

I'm going to tell him this insight tomorrow morning when I see him and see what he says.

That's great. BTW - when I said to tell him how you feel, that is what I meant - tell him how HIS behavior hurt you. It's fine for him to need to work these things out in his head, but he needs to know how he made you feel. Hopefully after you get that off your chest he will be understanding and you will feel better about it.

 

[marshalAK]

Hi everyone who helped me - update!

I had a long talk with the bf on Sunday night and everything is good there. I explained why I was feeling so conflicted and quiet (and trust me I am rarely if ever quiet) and he supported my reasoning 100% and apologized for how everything happened.

He saw his ex on Sunday morning because she needed their router (which he had set up) to work again after this huge storm we had Friday night. That was fine with me.

Turns out nothing was said whatsoever about the hiking thing and everything appeared to be normal. Neither she nor the friend have replied at all regarding Saturday's mess, leading us to two conclusions:

1) ex-wife is not that mad and most likely said something in passing to the friend with no boundaries, who then emailed us with a completely overblown tale of hysteria and fault finding. Alternate conclusion: they are biding their time and a large flaming bag of poo will show up on our doorstep. However, ex-wife actually seems to be very rational and not upset. Hope that's the case.

2) any future emails from said friend will be met with "this is not your business" and that's IT.


So, weekend drama is no more, all major players are soothed, and a plan is put in place for any future hijinks on ex-wife's or friend's part.

Please God, I no longer want to be part of this 6th grade play.

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. I appreciate it!

AK

 

[catlauren]

Hi everyone who helped me - update!

I had a long talk with the bf on Sunday night and everything is good there. I explained why I was feeling so conflicted and quiet (and trust me I am rarely if ever quiet) and he supported my reasoning 100% and apologized for how everything happened.

He saw his ex on Sunday morning because she needed their router (which he had set up) to work again after this huge storm we had Friday night. That was fine with me.

Turns out nothing was said whatsoever about the hiking thing and everything appeared to be normal. Neither she nor the friend have replied at all regarding Saturday's mess, leading us to two conclusions:

1) ex-wife is not that mad and most likely said something in passing to the friend with no boundaries, who then emailed us with a completely overblown tale of hysteria and fault finding. Alternate conclusion: they are biding their time and a large flaming bag of poo will show up on our doorstep. However, ex-wife actually seems to be very rational and not upset. Hope that's the case.

2) any future emails from said friend will be met with "this is not your business" and that's IT.


So, weekend drama is no more, all major players are soothed, and a plan is put in place for any future hijinks on ex-wife's or friend's part.

Please God, I no longer want to be part of this 6th grade play.

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. I appreciate it!

AK

Thanks for the update. I'm so glad things turned out well for you. The bf sounds like a keeper!