[Benedox]

"I love you, but I don't want to talk to you right now." Can other ENFJs relate?

Ok, this bothers me... I have a sort of people ADHD, where I can't spend too much time with one person, no matter how much I like them. Sometimes I want so badly to make myself want to talk/be with someone, but I can't make myself do it. It's like I crave variety--always. I just hop around and talk to everyone. Help?

 

[kiwigrl]

I think I tend to see things a little differently. If I care about someone but don't want to talk to them, chances are they have been too demanding of me, or pissed me off badly. If they were severely boring that would do it, though I probably couldn't build a strong rapport with someone like that anyway.

 

[j3321]

The two ENFJ's I know do that all the time. They just hop from one person to another. *sings pokemon anthem* "Gotta Catch 'Em All! ENFJ!"

 

[Jojo]

Benedox- I am like that. I can't sit in one spot. If I really respect someone and I want to meet someone without being rude. I will ask "hey come with me... do you want to meet some new people?" I basically ask them to join in. My friend call me the Energizer bunny because U keep going and going. I tend to be the first arrive and last to leave.

 

[kiwigrl]

Benedox- I am like that. I can't sit in one spot.

I have one friend who, when I hang out at her house, I get so comfortable that I could stay there for hours on end, and she isn't the type who would mind one bit.

I tend to be the first arrive and last to leave.

Ha, if I go to a really good party, I am often among the last to leave. Although we usually don't get there first. One has to make sure that they look gorgeous enough to stand out before leaving the house lol.:crazy:

 

[Shadow1980]

I think I understand. I can't be around one person too long either. Actually, I need a lot of alone time to decompress. It's hard to get one on one time with me. Luckily, I seem to have created the general understanding with my loved ones that it's not them, it's that I'm 'busy.' Which is true, and also helps mitigate the guilt.

 

[Nobleheart]

I think I tend to see things a little differently. If I care about someone but don't want to talk to them, chances are they have been too demanding of me, or pissed me off badly. If they were severely boring that would do it, though I probably couldn't build a strong rapport with someone like that anyway.

This is so much more me than the OP. The few other ENFJs I know also seem to also be like this than the OP. What makes me want to not be around someone is when I am mad at them, and don't want to be around them because if I am, I am going to be mean to them and I don't want to do that. Being boring isn't an issue for me. I'm more than happy to do the entertaining. Though a lot of my friends do comment on how I will pay attention to the newest person in my environment, but that's just me being polite and caring to welcome the new person into the group / moment.

Benedox, please don't take this as offensive, because I don't mean it that way, but are you sure you're not an ENFP? Your sentiments in the OP, as well as in other posts have really made me think this might be the case. I'm currently dating an ENFP, and she's amazing. We have so much in common, but we've also got these amazing abilities that are perfectly opposite one another, and cover each others' weaknesses. A lot of people comment on how similar we are, and I have a few other ENFP friends who also seem a lot like me, except for the subtle differences in the types. The two types can be easy to confuse. Even if you frequently test as ENFJ, it's still possible that you're an ENFP and your self image is more J.

 

[Benedox]

Benedox, please don't take this as offensive, because I don't mean it that way, but are you sure you're not an ENFP? Your sentiments in the OP, as well as in other posts have really made me think this might be the case. I'm currently dating an ENFP, and she's amazing. We have so much in common, but we've also got these amazing abilities that are perfectly opposite one another, and cover each others' weaknesses. A lot of people comment on how similar we are, and I have a few other ENFP friends who also seem a lot like me, except for the subtle differences in the types. The two types can be easy to confuse. Even if you frequently test as ENFJ, it's still possible that you're an ENFP and your self image is more J.

Oh, no worries, I've wondered about that myself, actually. I guess I could be. It's definitely possible. I only scored a little higher on the J scale. I'm a planner though, if that helps. Like, hard core Microsoft Excel sheets plus task lists rule my life, haha. Are there really, really organized ENFPs? 'Cause then hey! I might be hanging out in the wrong forum. :tongue:

 

[kaycee]

It's weird, with guys, even guys who are just my friend, I tend to get really clingy. Maybe because as a rule, they tend to NOT be clingy. My girl friends can be really clingy toward me and that makes me feel trapped so I tend to pull away.

I guess it's the whole, I crave emotional intimacy, but if I get too close to it, I get scared and run away.

 

[Nobleheart]

Oh, no worries, I've wondered about that myself, actually. I guess I could be. It's definitely possible. I only scored a little higher on the J scale. I'm a planner though, if that helps. Like, hard core Microsoft Excel sheets plus task lists rule my life, haha. Are there really, really organized ENFPs? 'Cause then hey! I might be hanging out in the wrong forum. :tongue:

The few successful ENFPs that I know cannot function without task lists. Otherwise they'd never remember to do anything. However, I too am a task list person, so it's not a sure sign either way. How messy is your room? Most of my ENFPs have very cluttered living spaces. ENFJs tend to have very tidy living spaces.

However (I'm going to get really technical here) the difference between the NF types - all of them, INFP, ENFP, ENFJ, and INFJ is actually very slight with respect to the areas of the brain that are dominantly used. The cingulate system is responsible for both types of intuition - extroverted (Ne) and introverted (Ni). The difference in where these functions reside within the cingulate system is actually very slight, and there appears to be a lot of overlap. Meanwhile, introverted feeling (Fi) is strongly rooted in the limbic system, while extroverted feeling (Fe) is rooted in both the limbic system and the lower frontal lobes. This means that it doesn't take much development into very similar cerebral territory - a natural byproduct of neural activity - to create a mind that has elements of more than one NF type.

I generally test rather high on Fi and Ne, making me an ENFJ, but INFP and INFJ are close seconds, and ENFP is a close runner up.

You're probably a lot like this too, likely have a solid Fi and Ne, which makes you seem a bit like an ENFP and gives you use of some of their gifts. Hopefully I didn't confuse you. Sorry if I did. It just means you're more awesome.

 

[kiwigrl]

The few successful ENFPs that I know cannot function without task lists. Otherwise they'd never remember to do anything.

Haha! I am the queen of lists. Have a look in my jeans pocket or on my kitchen bench any day and you will most likely find a list!

How messy is your room? Most of my ENFPs have very cluttered living spaces. ENFJs tend to have very tidy living spaces.

Before kids, my house was always spotless, I find there is so many things that need tidying up these days with the kids making messes at one end of the house as I am cleaning the other end, that it is impossible to keep the house looking spotless. My computer desk seems to get quite cluttered (with lists and notes!) but I do clean it up after a while because I can't stand looking at clutter. I prefer simplicity when it comes to decor. I do however like lots of photos around the house.

However (I'm going to get really technical here) the difference between the NF types - all of them, INFP, ENFP, ENFJ, and INFJ is actually very slight with respect to the areas of the brain that are dominantly used. The cingulate system is responsible for both types of intuition - extroverted (Ne) and introverted (Ni). The difference in where these functions reside within the cingulate system is actually very slight, and there appears to be a lot of overlap. Meanwhile, introverted feeling (Fi) is strongly rooted in the limbic system, while extroverted feeling (Fe) is rooted in both the limbic system and the lower frontal lobes. This means that it doesn't take much development into very similar cerebral territory - a natural byproduct of neural activity - to create a mind that has elements of more than one NF type.

I generally test rather high on Fi and Ne, making me an ENFJ, but INFP and INFJ are close seconds, and ENFP is a close runner up. You're probably a lot like this too, likely have a solid Fi and Ne, which makes you seem a bit like an ENFP

As I have said before, I once tested as ENFP, but that was due to me losing my enthusiasm and sense of structure/routine (grief).

 

[Nobleheart]

Haha! I am the queen of lists. Have a look in my jeans pocket or on my kitchen bench any day and you will most likely find a list!

Yeah, I'd completely fail at life if not for my lists. I'm also the king of the "Doh!" reaction to something on my lists. I generally think this is more of an intuitive trait than a J or P trait. We intuitives have a lot bouncing around in our minds.

Before kids, my house was always spotless, I find there is so many things that need tidying up these days with the kids making messes at one end of the house as I am cleaning the other end, that it is impossible to keep the house looking spotless. My computer desk seems to get quite cluttered (with lists and notes!) but I do clean it up after a while because I can't stand looking at clutter. I prefer simplicity when it comes to decor. I do however like lots of photos around the house.

All of these things imply that you have issues with clutter and confusion. I cannot function in clutter. This is one of the real differences between ENFJs and ENFPs that I've seen. ENFPs tend to just not care about it until it's so bad that they can't find anything. INFJs tend to not like the clutter but seem to be more prone to putting off dealing with it. INFPs seem to binge and purge with their clutter, based on how they feel about it at the time.

Heh, sorry. There's that Te and Ti coming out.

As I have said before, I once tested as ENFP, but that was due to me losing my enthusiasm and sense of structure/routine (grief).

Depression and other long term moods will have a strong affect on one's self opinion and self assessment. When I was extremely depressed the past couple years over losing my wife, I tested INFJ a lot, and even INFP from time to time. But that was based on my mood. Always imagine yourself healthy and happy when taking an MBTI self assessment test to get the most accurate result.

 

[kiwigrl]

Depression and other long term moods will have a strong affect on one's self opinion and self assessment. When I was extremely depressed the past couple years over losing my wife, I tested INFJ a lot, and even INFP from time to time. But that was based on my mood. Always imagine yourself healthy and happy when taking an MBTI self assessment test to get the most accurate result.

Sorry to hear about you losing your wife *hugs*.

Yeah I lost my dad 13 weeks ago, and I am starting to feel less and less "E". I am acting like an "I" alot these days. But I hope this is just a season and that my usual bouncy ENFJ self will resurface and stay.

 

[Nobleheart]

Sorry to hear about you losing your wife *hugs*.

Yeah I lost my dad 13 weeks ago, and I am starting to feel less and less "E". I am acting like an "I" alot these days. But I hope this is just a season and that my usual bouncy ENFJ self will resurface and stay.

I am certain that it will. According to Beebe, it is perfectly normal for people to progress deeper into their cognitive functions when under stress.

For the ENFJ, this means when we are depressed or under moderate pressure, we become much more like INFJs. If we get under very high pressure, we slip into ESTP mode where we are large an in charge. When we reach our limit, we become ISTPs, calm cool, practical and efficient. But, keep in mind that it is a stress mode, and it will reset itself when you eventually release yourself from the stress.

There is also a theory that when we embrace darker emotions (not quite the same as stress) like depression, anger, selfishness, each type becomes like it's inverse. For ENFJs, that means we can become a lot like the dark side of INFPs... very focused on our own feelings, less able to care about others, and plagued by anxiety and possibilities. If this is happening, just remember that this too is just a temporary reaction to your circumstances.

In other words, I'm very sorry for your loss, but your feelings, reactions, and everything you are going through is normal and healthy - even though it is at times excruciating. You will heal, and you will be yourself again, and you'll be a little more well developed as a person for it.

 

[kiwigrl]

For ENFJs, that means we can become a lot like the dark side of INFPs... very focused on our own feelings, less able to care about others, and plagued by anxiety and possibilities. If this is happening, just remember that this too is just a temporary reaction to your circumstances.

That is pretty spot on. I have chosen to only see family and the friends who I feel won't demand too much from me. I have been analysing my own feelings alot, something PerC helps me with. The anxiety/worrying about the future often hits me as I am lying in bed trying to sleep, my mind starts racing and insomnia is the result. I also have had a few dreams about other family members dying, which is distressful.

 

[Nobleheart]

That is pretty spot on. I have chosen to only see family and the friends who I feel won't demand too much from me. I have been analysing my own feelings alot, something PerC helps me with. The anxiety/worrying about the future often hits me as I am lying in bed trying to sleep, my mind starts racing and insomnia is the result. I also have had a few dreams about other family members dying, which is distressful.

Yup, this is introverted Feeling (Fi) and extroverted intuition (Ne). As ENFJs we don't have very good control over these functions, so they can cause the sorts of things you're describing - and usually do for us when we get in these modes. It will take time, but you will heal.

When you're ready, start focusing on helping and caring for others, and make sure you express your feelings (even if they make no sense or you're just repeating yourself) to keep your extroverted Feeling (Fe) solid through this. It will help keep you anchored and not allow your Fi or Ne to overwhelm you too much. It will be difficult, but you will get through this and you will heal. Just remember that you're an extrovert, and you need to express yourself to feel better. You'll heal quicker.

 

[WickedQueen]

Hmm... I don't like to trap myself with the same clique every day as well. It's like: "Help me out of them! I can't breathe!!"
I don't even hangout with my best friends everyday. Mostly only like 3-5 times every month.

I have many different circles of friends and I like to have variation with whom I hangout every weekend. I still keep my old friends, though. From kindergarten friends to college friends, from ex colleagues to new clients. I plan my meet up with them regularly.

And there are also times where I just want to be left alone and enjoying "me time" by myself.