I must vent, or my soul will burst.
[INFJ]
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Sigh...I wish I could delete threads.
It's like I get it in my head that being open and honest about everything is the best solution for personal growth. I share too much hoping to get new insight from others. Then after I do it, I feel like I shouldn't have done it.
I desire to have an intimate relationship with someone I can confide in. It's hard. I've tried online dating, but I tend to want to share information that is much too personal. I want to gauge whether that person really cares or not, and it's just too much too soon.:sad:
It's like I get it in my head that being open and honest about everything is the best solution for personal growth. I share too much hoping to get new insight from others. Then after I do it, I feel like I shouldn't have done it.
I desire to have an intimate relationship with someone I can confide in. It's hard. I've tried online dating, but I tend to want to share information that is much too personal. I want to gauge whether that person really cares or not, and it's just too much too soon.:sad:
Well since I already read through all of that and couple things I will comment on:
The feeling of worthlessness is I believe common to INFJs. Something about how our mind works that seems to rally it up quite a bit. I read somewhere that INFJs have highest suicide rate of all MBTI profiles. I get it at random too. Usually sense a tingling feeling in my hands accompanying it. This way I know that reason I am feeling so down and suicidal is some circuits in my brain are misfiring, once again.
How to get on to doing stuff? I have tried to resolve it by first of all accepting that details are part of the bigger picture. That you cannot get on to bigger things if you don't take care of smaller and more practical matters, as repulsive and meaningless as they sometimes seem. I am not religious but there is this concept in Bible about living day to day rather than thinking and worrying about the future, which I think we INFJs should try to implement in life more. Making a list of things I want to do and then crossing them out helps. Feels like achievement. Curiosity about world around helps. Makes one go out in order to study the world outside. Also putting yourself into a structured environment. When I was in school and college there were goals set for me that I strived to achieve. After I got out it was very difficult because suddenly nobody tells you what to do, there is no structure, no goals set, and it is like what now? where do I apply myself? who am I? not very short distance to an existential crisis without that structured environment outside.
I think for INFJs it is especially hard to develop this inner structure and foundation because our dominant function is introverted intuition. Intuition is sort of this chaotic function that works by flipping opposites around and tries to increase variability, increase entropy in whatever subject it is aimed at. In case of having it introverted, it is aimed inside, at the self of the person, which makes it particularly difficult to develop that inner structure, that solid sense of self, that confidence. And if inner structure is missing, thee you will be like body without bones - all flabby, unable to do anything or move anywhere. This is the curse of Ni basically.
As far as relationships go, have you considered non-romantic relationships? I mean you don't need a romantic relationship to talk seriously with somebody. With romance there is too much at stake so people don't open up very easily. But if you just meet some strangers in some volunteering or interest group for example it is actually easier to get to know people because there are no other sort of strings attached. Just kind of like we hang out on this forum and bounce our insights and share our stories. If you live in a big urban area check out Meetup.com website and craigslist as well. In the city where I live there is even entire meetup group devoted to INFJs and in other areas I know there are meetups for people interested in MBTI theory. So if online dating isn't working out for you, just try out these kind of interests groups. You'll probably meet someone you can relate to this way. And sometimes relationships find us when we aren't really looking for them that hard and avoid us when we do.
The feeling of worthlessness is I believe common to INFJs. Something about how our mind works that seems to rally it up quite a bit. I read somewhere that INFJs have highest suicide rate of all MBTI profiles. I get it at random too. Usually sense a tingling feeling in my hands accompanying it. This way I know that reason I am feeling so down and suicidal is some circuits in my brain are misfiring, once again.
How to get on to doing stuff? I have tried to resolve it by first of all accepting that details are part of the bigger picture. That you cannot get on to bigger things if you don't take care of smaller and more practical matters, as repulsive and meaningless as they sometimes seem. I am not religious but there is this concept in Bible about living day to day rather than thinking and worrying about the future, which I think we INFJs should try to implement in life more. Making a list of things I want to do and then crossing them out helps. Feels like achievement. Curiosity about world around helps. Makes one go out in order to study the world outside. Also putting yourself into a structured environment. When I was in school and college there were goals set for me that I strived to achieve. After I got out it was very difficult because suddenly nobody tells you what to do, there is no structure, no goals set, and it is like what now? where do I apply myself? who am I? not very short distance to an existential crisis without that structured environment outside.
I think for INFJs it is especially hard to develop this inner structure and foundation because our dominant function is introverted intuition. Intuition is sort of this chaotic function that works by flipping opposites around and tries to increase variability, increase entropy in whatever subject it is aimed at. In case of having it introverted, it is aimed inside, at the self of the person, which makes it particularly difficult to develop that inner structure, that solid sense of self, that confidence. And if inner structure is missing, thee you will be like body without bones - all flabby, unable to do anything or move anywhere. This is the curse of Ni basically.
As far as relationships go, have you considered non-romantic relationships? I mean you don't need a romantic relationship to talk seriously with somebody. With romance there is too much at stake so people don't open up very easily. But if you just meet some strangers in some volunteering or interest group for example it is actually easier to get to know people because there are no other sort of strings attached. Just kind of like we hang out on this forum and bounce our insights and share our stories. If you live in a big urban area check out Meetup.com website and craigslist as well. In the city where I live there is even entire meetup group devoted to INFJs and in other areas I know there are meetups for people interested in MBTI theory. So if online dating isn't working out for you, just try out these kind of interests groups. You'll probably meet someone you can relate to this way. And sometimes relationships find us when we aren't really looking for them that hard and avoid us when we do.
You're not alone. I've never been comfortable with superficial chit-chat but dating requires it to some degree. Try to think more about it in terms of being friendly/flirty with someone; get their interest first. Give them time to warm up to you and then slowly reveal things. You got to reign it in otherwise they'll look at you as being too needy or demanding.
Yeah, we have high expectations and there's nothing worse to me than being disappointed by someone who just doesn't get me. When I'm in the early stages of dating I keep it light but really pay attention to the things they choose to discuss or tell me about themselves. See what they're capable of in terms of depth. It'll give you a clue as to whether they can handle the truth or not.
Yeah, we have high expectations and there's nothing worse to me than being disappointed by someone who just doesn't get me. When I'm in the early stages of dating I keep it light but really pay attention to the things they choose to discuss or tell me about themselves. See what they're capable of in terms of depth. It'll give you a clue as to whether they can handle the truth or not.
I didn't see the original post but I'm going to go off of your second post, plus the two other response posts.
I've been feeling worthless for the past half year or so already, so you're not alone.
Vel's made some really really really awesome points. I can't begin to stress it, she's listed everything that I've done with my life to not feel like I was dieing and it's worked (so definitely look into it). I gave up on the idea that I would ever manage to find somebody to marry at 13 years old and proceeded to "confide" in my friends instead. It's worked out very well. I mean there are still things I wouldn't share with my friends that I would probably tell a lover, but you know... in terms of feeling understood for the most part and having somebody to turn to, my friends have taken that job =)
Curiosity about the world really helps ground you in the 'now' instead of the future or the past. If you take up an interest like reading the news, it helps you stay grounded to the present. Or in your family, the latest and greatest in your hobbies (whether it's cars, etc). It helped me get out of my own mind.
Bliss made some really good points. Although I never mind when somebody overshares with me depending on what it is their sharing (if its about who they slept with, eh... rather not hear it), it would probably freak some people out. Me personally, I ask questions to judge their character (whether or not the person has a 'caring' personality/soul). I usually only mention things about myself if the questions sound too "forward", I'll try and soften the situation by giving a bit of information about myself after asking the question to help them feel more comfortable sharing it. So if I ask something that's too forward, I usually tone the question down by answering my own question first and then wait for the other person:
Example
Goal: Trying to find out if the other person is a caring person. Ways to find out about this quality, perhaps.. home life?
You: "You seem like a really sweet girl. Do you like to cook?"
Girl: "I LOVE to cook!"
You: "Oh man, I suck at cooking! Are you a pretty good cook though?"
Girl: "Yeah, I'm great. My roommates loves the stuff I make. I'm like their designated chef!"
You: "Where'd you learn how to cook? Did your mom teach you?"
- maybe she seems a little hesitant to answer that -
You: ".. well cause my mom is a terrific cook, but I just never took the time to learn and now I'm regretting it so bad being in college and only eating ramen all day." <-- you relax the situation by answering your own question so she doesn't feel under spotlights so to speak
Girl: "Oh? Yeah, my mom is a terrible cook lol"
^--- and you just keep asking questions to find out what her character is by learning about her instead of talking at her. You keep her interested in you that way, and everybody 'loves' talking about themselves but this provides you with a great opportunity to gauge her character WITHOUT having to tell your whole life story to see if she'll care. Chances are most people never care deeply unless you establish some sort of level of comfort or something before hand.
I hope this helps! Don't feel so bad, you're headed in the right track, just keep working for what you want; you'll eventually get there =)
PS: Since I have no idea what the original post is, I tried my best. Hope this helps you!
I've been feeling worthless for the past half year or so already, so you're not alone.
Vel's made some really really really awesome points. I can't begin to stress it, she's listed everything that I've done with my life to not feel like I was dieing and it's worked (so definitely look into it). I gave up on the idea that I would ever manage to find somebody to marry at 13 years old and proceeded to "confide" in my friends instead. It's worked out very well. I mean there are still things I wouldn't share with my friends that I would probably tell a lover, but you know... in terms of feeling understood for the most part and having somebody to turn to, my friends have taken that job =)
I'm a big "to do list" person, I love making to do lists. My mind feels really scattered without it. I feel I get more done if I can 'see' what it is I need to do next, nothing written in a lengthy manner just simple like "work on logo", "shop for makeup", "research loans". So I highly recommend it. Crossing things off always makes me feel good even if the list keeps growing.
Curiosity about the world really helps ground you in the 'now' instead of the future or the past. If you take up an interest like reading the news, it helps you stay grounded to the present. Or in your family, the latest and greatest in your hobbies (whether it's cars, etc). It helped me get out of my own mind.
Bliss made some really good points. Although I never mind when somebody overshares with me depending on what it is their sharing (if its about who they slept with, eh... rather not hear it), it would probably freak some people out. Me personally, I ask questions to judge their character (whether or not the person has a 'caring' personality/soul). I usually only mention things about myself if the questions sound too "forward", I'll try and soften the situation by giving a bit of information about myself after asking the question to help them feel more comfortable sharing it. So if I ask something that's too forward, I usually tone the question down by answering my own question first and then wait for the other person:
Example
Goal: Trying to find out if the other person is a caring person. Ways to find out about this quality, perhaps.. home life?
You: "You seem like a really sweet girl. Do you like to cook?"
Girl: "I LOVE to cook!"
You: "Oh man, I suck at cooking! Are you a pretty good cook though?"
Girl: "Yeah, I'm great. My roommates loves the stuff I make. I'm like their designated chef!"
You: "Where'd you learn how to cook? Did your mom teach you?"
- maybe she seems a little hesitant to answer that -
You: ".. well cause my mom is a terrific cook, but I just never took the time to learn and now I'm regretting it so bad being in college and only eating ramen all day." <-- you relax the situation by answering your own question so she doesn't feel under spotlights so to speak
Girl: "Oh? Yeah, my mom is a terrible cook lol"
^--- and you just keep asking questions to find out what her character is by learning about her instead of talking at her. You keep her interested in you that way, and everybody 'loves' talking about themselves but this provides you with a great opportunity to gauge her character WITHOUT having to tell your whole life story to see if she'll care. Chances are most people never care deeply unless you establish some sort of level of comfort or something before hand.
I hope this helps! Don't feel so bad, you're headed in the right track, just keep working for what you want; you'll eventually get there =)
PS: Since I have no idea what the original post is, I tried my best. Hope this helps you!
Thanks for the replies. I will consider them. I'm still trying to get in the right frame of mind before I do stuff, which is annyoing in a way. I try to tell my mind to shut up, but it doesn't listen.
It's been great to learn that I am an INFJ. I was confused about myself for a long time. It seemed like I always understood everybody very well, but I kept wanting them to be better than they were, and at the same time I thought that what I was doing was pointless. And I also knew that it would be perceived as pointless by others.
I'm glad that I can care about other people despite living in my mind too much. It seems like that makes me a better person. I always have good intentions with people even if they get weirded out by them- and I know that they do and why they do but often follow through with it anyway to relieve stress.
It's been great to learn that I am an INFJ. I was confused about myself for a long time. It seemed like I always understood everybody very well, but I kept wanting them to be better than they were, and at the same time I thought that what I was doing was pointless. And I also knew that it would be perceived as pointless by others.
I'm glad that I can care about other people despite living in my mind too much. It seems like that makes me a better person. I always have good intentions with people even if they get weirded out by them- and I know that they do and why they do but often follow through with it anyway to relieve stress.
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