Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
345 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I've know this person since we were teenagers, we are the same age, 41yrs old. I am new to Myers Briggs and it's telling me that we are more than likely not compatible. In my heart, I care and wish to love this person. As I read ISFJ profile, I was truly amazed how accurate it describes about ISFJ's. I wish that maybe their is a ISFJ female that is currently in a relationship with a INFJ male for more than 5 years and how they were able to work on there relationship. I need your help and advice. Hope someone is able to help me. Thank you. Sincerely, Johnny
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,170 Posts
I'm not in a relationship but I must say I would love an INFJ guy. :) First of all I don't really understand why an ISFJ and INFJ would be incompatible.

You should never limit yourself to something based on MBTI. Individuals are just that, individuals, and we can't confine ourselves to something like that. There is no reason why the two of you, or any two types really, shouldn't be able to make it work if you are both dedicated to doing that. Personality theories be damned.

:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,721 Posts
I can't give you personal experience with being in a relationship with an INFJ, and I'm not female anyway. However, I can once again bust out my MBTI relationship book again!

Amazon.com: Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type (9780316845694): Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger: Books


It's neat, it takes all 16 types and talks about every possible pairing, naming the joys, frustrations, and things each type can do for one another.


In the joys section, it talks about how the two types are both kind, caring and gentle, making it easier for them to feel comfortable sharing their feelings. They also both have strong values and like a more predictable lifestyle, so they take each other's committments seriously and respect routines. In addition, ISFJ's are drawn to INFJ's creativity and originality, while INFJ's get security out of the devotion and dependability of the ISFJ.


In the frustrations section, it talks about how INFJ's can have problems with ISFJ's conformity and focus on tradition. INFJ's might find the ISFJ to be too cautious and slow to try new experiences. ISFJ's meanwhile, can feel hurt by INFJs' tendency to focus on tomorrow, feeling as though that means that the INFJ isn't satisfied with the way things currently are in the relationship. An ISFJ can also feel belittled if the an INFJ becomes impatient with them. The other problem is both types are sensitive and can easily get their feelings hurt, especially if something is misconstrued. So what can happen is that both types may bottle up emotion since they don't like confrontation, leading to big emotional outbursts.

It's interesting, another INFJ posted a thread about his problems with his ISFJ ex-girlfriend, and this next bit reminded me of that. It says that INFJ's are usually the ones to initiate the confrontation after noticing patterns, but when the confrontation does occur, it would be better if the INFJ stays on topic and doesn't bring in unrelated issues, and the ISFJ should not be too defensive or discouraged by the conflict.


Here's what it says INFJ's should do for ISFJ's:

-Appreciate all the tangible and thoughtful things your partner does to take care of you, your home, and your family.

-Participate in some of the physical activities you partner enjoys, especially those that get you out of the house and into the natural world.

-Be specific about your requests, concerns and complaints.

-Don't gloss over important steps or leave out key information. Carefully keep track of money.

-Try not to make or even suggest too many changes too quickly.

-Respect your partner's routines and honor the practices that bring him or her comfort.



Here's what it says ISFJ's should do for INFJ's:

-Try to articulate your thoughts and feelings rather than assuming your partner knows how and what you feel.

-Be patient with your partner's desire to uncover the hidden or subtle meanings of things.

-Focus on the positive, especially in everyday matters such as money and maintaining your home and possessions.

-Compliment your partner on his or her many fresh ideas, unique mode of expression, and ability to see the big picture.

-Be patient with your partner's sometimes vague or convoluted stories.

-Thank your partner for encouraging you to plan for the future.




I know you're not really in a relationship situation, but maybe this will help a little. But like Seeker said, type shouldn't dictate who's compatible or not, there's so much more to it than that. Type may play into things, but people are people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
345 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
I can't give you personal experience with being in a relationship with an INFJ, and I'm not female anyway. However, I can once again bust out my MBTI relationship book again!

Amazon.com: Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type (9780316845694): Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger: Books


It's neat, it takes all 16 types and talks about every possible pairing, naming the joys, frustrations, and things each type can do for one another.


In the joys section, it talks about how the two types are both kind, caring and gentle, making it easier for them to feel comfortable sharing their feelings. They also both have strong values and like a more predictable lifestyle, so they take each other's committments seriously and respect routines. In addition, ISFJ's are drawn to INFJ's creativity and originality, while INFJ's get security out of the devotion and dependability of the ISFJ.


In the frustrations section, it talks about how INFJ's can have problems with ISFJ's conformity and focus on tradition. INFJ's might find the ISFJ to be too cautious and slow to try new experiences. ISFJ's meanwhile, can feel hurt by INFJs' tendency to focus on tomorrow, feeling as though that means that the INFJ isn't satisfied with the way things currently are in the relationship. An ISFJ can also feel belittled if the an INFJ becomes impatient with them. The other problem is both types are sensitive and can easily get their feelings hurt, especially if something is misconstrued. So what can happen is that both types may bottle up emotion since they don't like confrontation, leading to big emotional outbursts.

It's interesting, another INFJ posted a thread about his problems with his ISFJ ex-girlfriend, and this next bit reminded me of that. It says that INFJ's are usually the ones to initiate the confrontation after noticing patterns, but when the confrontation does occur, it would be better if the INFJ stays on topic and doesn't bring in unrelated issues, and the ISFJ should not be too defensive or discouraged by the conflict.


Here's what it says INFJ's should do for ISFJ's:

-Appreciate all the tangible and thoughtful things your partner does to take care of you, your home, and your family.

-Participate in some of the physical activities you partner enjoys, especially those that get you out of the house and into the natural world.

-Be specific about your requests, concerns and complaints.

-Don't gloss over important steps or leave out key information. Carefully keep track of money.

-Try not to make or even suggest too many changes too quickly.

-Respect your partner's routines and honor the practices that bring him or her comfort.



Here's what it says ISFJ's should do for INFJ's:

-Try to articulate your thoughts and feelings rather than assuming your partner knows how and what you feel.

-Be patient with your partner's desire to uncover the hidden or subtle meanings of things.

-Focus on the positive, especially in everyday matters such as money and maintaining your home and possessions.

-Compliment your partner on his or her many fresh ideas, unique mode of expression, and ability to see the big picture.

-Be patient with your partner's sometimes vague or convoluted stories.

-Thank your partner for encouraging you to plan for the future.




I know you're not really in a relationship situation, but maybe this will help a little. But like Seeker said, type shouldn't dictate who's compatible or not, there's so much more to it than that. Type may play into things, but people are people.
Man... I am truly amazed at how many people their are in here that have been so helpful. Thank you so much. Each and every one of you. This means so much to me. This is so true, there are times that we just do not understand one another. As if there is some catch or hidden motive. I am laughing at how baffling it can get when we try to communicate with one another. We mean well, I definitlely know that. Once again, thank you for finding the time to do this. This is better than going to counseling if it was possible. Not that I would go, but I would if it lead to that. In a silly way, I guess I am. Thank you Mr. Seeker!!!! Thank all of you.

Sincerely,
Johnny
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
I'm married to an INFJ man and we've been together for 5 years in total. We used to have this connection that was out of here. Everybody said that we were alike and stuff. But then I cheated on him and now he thinks I'm the dumbest person in the world. He doesn't even like me as a friend and he's only in this marriage to keep his vows. I've been reading some other threads and he has also told me time and time again that we don't get along because of that S/N difference. I see that now. I really am a detail-oriented person.

For example: say we're going to the movies or whatever. My mind is set on the movie and his mind is set on spending time together. So when the plans change and we can no longer go to the movies, i'm upset and then he gets upset that I'm upset at the wrong thing which is the movie and not the quality time.

I do stuff like that all the time and it's starting to annoy me. Well, I'm past the point of annoyance. Also I've been seeing stuff about ISFJs being traditionalists. We don't like to rock the boat with the INFJ loves doing that.

Example: I wanted to wait to get married after college because that's what I've always been taught was the right way. He only saw us getting married. That was the point. It didn't matter when, it just mattered that we did it.

And don't get me started on the conversation stuff. I'm not a talker. I'm a listener. i let him ramble on about is b.s. (and I only call it b.s. right now because I'm frustrated with him at the moment) and when he asks for input, I give short answers. I have trouble expressing how I feel. At this point, I don't feel like we are a match and, yet, we used to work passed that stuff. Or maybe he just tolerated it for so long.

It's hard with him. It really is. And I'm trying. I always get his juice. I get his account out of negative. I offer him candy. I look at the details and he wants me to see the big picture. I feel like he's trying to change me into him and I'm just not going to be him. Sure, I have N tendencies but I'm more of an S and I see that. He sees it as nothing but negative though. I honestly feel he's just trying to get rid of me so he can find someone who's a better fit. But he wants me to be the first to go so he can say he kept his vows. UGH! I know I'm rambling and this sounds like a rant but, as you can see, me being an ISFJ with an INFJ is hard.

And question: do INFJs not like the truth or something? Because my husband tells me to be truthful with him because, well, I'm usually not. So when he made me pizza and I was like, "I don't like this pizza" he got all annoyed and said, "Don't tell me you don't like the pizza. Tell me you appreciate the gesture of me making the pizza." Gosh, I never said I didn't appreciate the gesture, I just said I didn't like the pizza. OY! As you can see, I'm frustrated right now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
216 Posts
My mom is an INFJ and my dad is an ISFJ, and they've been married for 25 years. Among other things, I think their relationship works really well because they're both very caring people. I personally think ISFJ and INFJ is a great combination, but of course there's more to compatibility than just type.
 

·
Host
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ ♂
Joined
·
18,404 Posts
Go with your heart. People got on for a really long time before Myers-Briggs came along. You are not your personality type, your personality type is a part of you. There's more to you both than a couple of preferences in a book. A relationship is about working together towards a common goal. Your personality type may-or-may not cause some difficulties in this process, but if you both are willing to work at it, there's no reason why you cannot be happy, healthy, and productive, together. I am an ENTP and my wife is an ISTJ. We've been together for just about 17 years, and we've been married for 13 of them. It was rough a few times, but we're still together.

Use MBTI as a general guide. It isn't perfect and nothing is written in stone. One of my analogies is that if all that you are were a jigsaw puzzle, then your personality type would be in the border. All the pieces that make up the rest of the puzzle, and the picture they make when fitted together, that's all up to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
197 Posts
I'm married to an INFJ man and we've been together for 5 years in total. We used to have this connection that was out of here. Everybody said that we were alike and stuff. But then I cheated on him and now he thinks I'm the dumbest person in the world. He doesn't even like me as a friend and he's only in this marriage to keep his vows. I've been reading some other threads and he has also told me time and time again that we don't get along because of that S/N difference. I see that now. I really am a detail-oriented person.

For example: say we're going to the movies or whatever. My mind is set on the movie and his mind is set on spending time together. So when the plans change and we can no longer go to the movies, i'm upset and then he gets upset that I'm upset at the wrong thing which is the movie and not the quality time.

I do stuff like that all the time and it's starting to annoy me. Well, I'm past the point of annoyance. Also I've been seeing stuff about ISFJs being traditionalists. We don't like to rock the boat with the INFJ loves doing that.

Example: I wanted to wait to get married after college because that's what I've always been taught was the right way. He only saw us getting married. That was the point. It didn't matter when, it just mattered that we did it.

And don't get me started on the conversation stuff. I'm not a talker. I'm a listener. i let him ramble on about is b.s. (and I only call it b.s. right now because I'm frustrated with him at the moment) and when he asks for input, I give short answers. I have trouble expressing how I feel. At this point, I don't feel like we are a match and, yet, we used to work passed that stuff. Or maybe he just tolerated it for so long.

It's hard with him. It really is. And I'm trying. I always get his juice. I get his account out of negative. I offer him candy. I look at the details and he wants me to see the big picture. I feel like he's trying to change me into him and I'm just not going to be him. Sure, I have N tendencies but I'm more of an S and I see that. He sees it as nothing but negative though. I honestly feel he's just trying to get rid of me so he can find someone who's a better fit. But he wants me to be the first to go so he can say he kept his vows. UGH! I know I'm rambling and this sounds like a rant but, as you can see, me being an ISFJ with an INFJ is hard.

And question: do INFJs not like the truth or something? Because my husband tells me to be truthful with him because, well, I'm usually not. So when he made me pizza and I was like, "I don't like this pizza" he got all annoyed and said, "Don't tell me you don't like the pizza. Tell me you appreciate the gesture of me making the pizza." Gosh, I never said I didn't appreciate the gesture, I just said I didn't like the pizza. OY! As you can see, I'm frustrated right now.
So would you say you don't mind lying to him... I catch my girlfriend in little lies all the time. I always told her you never ever need to lie to me. But she still lies.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
217 Posts
I'm married to an INFJ man and we've been together for 5 years in total. We used to have this connection that was out of here. Everybody said that we were alike and stuff. But then I cheated on him and now he thinks I'm the dumbest person in the world. He doesn't even like me as a friend and he's only in this marriage to keep his vows. I've been reading some other threads and he has also told me time and time again that we don't get along because of that S/N difference. I see that now. I really am a detail-oriented person.

For example: say we're going to the movies or whatever. My mind is set on the movie and his mind is set on spending time together. So when the plans change and we can no longer go to the movies, i'm upset and then he gets upset that I'm upset at the wrong thing which is the movie and not the quality time.

I do stuff like that all the time and it's starting to annoy me. Well, I'm past the point of annoyance. Also I've been seeing stuff about ISFJs being traditionalists. We don't like to rock the boat with the INFJ loves doing that.

Example: I wanted to wait to get married after college because that's what I've always been taught was the right way. He only saw us getting married. That was the point. It didn't matter when, it just mattered that we did it.

And don't get me started on the conversation stuff. I'm not a talker. I'm a listener. i let him ramble on about is b.s. (and I only call it b.s. right now because I'm frustrated with him at the moment) and when he asks for input, I give short answers. I have trouble expressing how I feel. At this point, I don't feel like we are a match and, yet, we used to work passed that stuff. Or maybe he just tolerated it for so long.

It's hard with him. It really is. And I'm trying. I always get his juice. I get his account out of negative. I offer him candy. I look at the details and he wants me to see the big picture. I feel like he's trying to change me into him and I'm just not going to be him. Sure, I have N tendencies but I'm more of an S and I see that. He sees it as nothing but negative though. I honestly feel he's just trying to get rid of me so he can find someone who's a better fit. But he wants me to be the first to go so he can say he kept his vows. UGH! I know I'm rambling and this sounds like a rant but, as you can see, me being an ISFJ with an INFJ is hard.

And question: do INFJs not like the truth or something? Because my husband tells me to be truthful with him because, well, I'm usually not. So when he made me pizza and I was like, "I don't like this pizza" he got all annoyed and said, "Don't tell me you don't like the pizza. Tell me you appreciate the gesture of me making the pizza." Gosh, I never said I didn't appreciate the gesture, I just said I didn't like the pizza. OY! As you can see, I'm frustrated right now.
You sound like a horrible person to be around. You cheat on him and then you still feel like you deserve some respect. You're disgusting.

Even your personality sounds bland and boring. He's tolerated you up to this point, yet you continue whining. You can't see things for what they truly are. He wants to be with YOU, you only want to watch a movie... lol so ridiculous. You should do him a favor, and just leave. You aren't helping him grow, and that's what he respects the most. You are bland, no adventure, boring, emotional, and a dumb smart ass. He tells you to tell him the truth, so that pizza thing, tell him in the beginning what you want more, what you like, what you are craving, instead of waiting until he makes it for your dumbass, and then tell him you don't like pizza. The hell? I bet you he worked hard to make a good pizza, so it was in his act to create something for you that was unique. You basically dismissed his entire attempt. Raise your IQ.

About the "him trying to change you", he's only trying to fix the relationship. He doesn't want to be a manager, but he wants you guys to just be a relationship. He wants to feel a deeper connection with you, and both of you unite a dream together and work towards it. You help him with the tedious stuff, but that's not exactly what he cares about. That's like being his mom, sure keep doing it, but instead be more of his partner, not just some assistant or companion, which you act the part of right now. That's the best way to explain it.

You are not his partner, you are just a companion going along for the ride.

Get smarter, make up real life goals, tell him about it, show him drive and ambition to become someone, and he'll gleam with respect and joy. You probably aren't ambitious at all.
 

·
Auntie Duckie
Joined
·
2,720 Posts
But then I cheated on him
At that point, we would be done. Nothing says "it's time to end this" quite like fucking someone else.


To the OP... Johnny, put the interwebz down and walk away. If you really love her then it doesn't matter what Myers-Briggs says. If you can't get past that then perhaps you are just looking for excuses to not be with her. Nothing will keep you from that woman if you really love her. (except as noted above, lol)

:kitteh:

-ZDD
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
656 Posts
I'm married to an INFJ man and we've been together for 5 years in total. We used to have this connection that was out of here. Everybody said that we were alike and stuff. But then I cheated on him and now he thinks I'm the dumbest person in the world. He doesn't even like me as a friend and he's only in this marriage to keep his vows. I've been reading some other threads and he has also told me time and time again that we don't get along because of that S/N difference. I see that now. I really am a detail-oriented person.

For example: say we're going to the movies or whatever. My mind is set on the movie and his mind is set on spending time together. So when the plans change and we can no longer go to the movies, i'm upset and then he gets upset that I'm upset at the wrong thing which is the movie and not the quality time.

I do stuff like that all the time and it's starting to annoy me. Well, I'm past the point of annoyance. Also I've been seeing stuff about ISFJs being traditionalists. We don't like to rock the boat with the INFJ loves doing that.

Example: I wanted to wait to get married after college because that's what I've always been taught was the right way. He only saw us getting married. That was the point. It didn't matter when, it just mattered that we did it.

And don't get me started on the conversation stuff. I'm not a talker. I'm a listener. i let him ramble on about is b.s. (and I only call it b.s. right now because I'm frustrated with him at the moment) and when he asks for input, I give short answers. I have trouble expressing how I feel. At this point, I don't feel like we are a match and, yet, we used to work passed that stuff. Or maybe he just tolerated it for so long.

It's hard with him. It really is. And I'm trying. I always get his juice. I get his account out of negative. I offer him candy. I look at the details and he wants me to see the big picture. I feel like he's trying to change me into him and I'm just not going to be him. Sure, I have N tendencies but I'm more of an S and I see that. He sees it as nothing but negative though. I honestly feel he's just trying to get rid of me so he can find someone who's a better fit. But he wants me to be the first to go so he can say he kept his vows. UGH! I know I'm rambling and this sounds like a rant but, as you can see, me being an ISFJ with an INFJ is hard.

And question: do INFJs not like the truth or something? Because my husband tells me to be truthful with him because, well, I'm usually not. So when he made me pizza and I was like, "I don't like this pizza" he got all annoyed and said, "Don't tell me you don't like the pizza. Tell me you appreciate the gesture of me making the pizza." Gosh, I never said I didn't appreciate the gesture, I just said I didn't like the pizza. OY! As you can see, I'm frustrated right now.
What has he done wrong to you? From what you wrote alone, I can't see anything bad about the way he treats you. Differences lead to frustrations, no doubt, but maybe you should try to be a bit more appreciative of him for who he is (someone who isn't completely like you), and urge him to do the same. You said he won't appreciate you for who you are, but it seems that you're guilty of that as well. You said you wanted the movie for the movie. You said you wanted the marriage at a certain time because you just wanted a marriage then. He wanted to see the movie with you. He wanted to marry you. You said you do things like deal with money and offer him candy but won't join in his conversation when he tries expressing his thoughts to you. That honestly doesn't sound like a fulfilling, mutual relationship to me. I think you should try to be more open but also supportive. You have to be willing to try and go out of your comfort zone. I mean you got married for what I hope was a good reason. Try to remember what you loved about him before his little nuances blinded you of his character.

I wouldn't normally try and give input on a relationship that's none of my business, but since you put this here, it's kind of all of our business. For the record, I think the other guy who commented on your marriage was being a rude fucking prick and completely unreasonable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,170 Posts
You sound like a horrible person to be around. You cheat on him and then you still feel like you deserve some respect. You're disgusting.

Even your personality sounds bland and boring. He's tolerated you up to this point, yet you continue whining. You can't see things for what they truly are. He wants to be with YOU, you only want to watch a movie... lol so ridiculous. You should do him a favor, and just leave. You aren't helping him grow, and that's what he respects the most. You are bland, no adventure, boring, emotional, and a dumb smart ass. He tells you to tell him the truth, so that pizza thing, tell him in the beginning what you want more, what you like, what you are craving, instead of waiting until he makes it for your dumbass, and then tell him you don't like pizza. The hell? I bet you he worked hard to make a good pizza, so it was in his act to create something for you that was unique. You basically dismissed his entire attempt. Raise your IQ.

About the "him trying to change you", he's only trying to fix the relationship. He doesn't want to be a manager, but he wants you guys to just be a relationship. He wants to feel a deeper connection with you, and both of you unite a dream together and work towards it. You help him with the tedious stuff, but that's not exactly what he cares about. That's like being his mom, sure keep doing it, but instead be more of his partner, not just some assistant or companion, which you act the part of right now. That's the best way to explain it.

You are not his partner, you are just a companion going along for the ride.

Get smarter, make up real life goals, tell him about it, show him drive and ambition to become someone, and he'll gleam with respect and joy. You probably aren't ambitious at all.
Wow..! Where did that come from??

A rough day there?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,170 Posts
A little bit surprised. Almost as you were speaking to a cheating partner of your own.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
I'm married to an INFJ man and we've been together for 5 years in total. We used to have this connection that was out of here. Everybody said that we were alike and stuff. But then I cheated on him and now he thinks I'm the dumbest person in the world. He doesn't even like me as a friend and he's only in this marriage to keep his vows. I've been reading some other threads and he has also told me time and time again that we don't get along because of that S/N difference. I see that now. I really am a detail-oriented person.

For example: say we're going to the movies or whatever. My mind is set on the movie and his mind is set on spending time together. So when the plans change and we can no longer go to the movies, i'm upset and then he gets upset that I'm upset at the wrong thing which is the movie and not the quality time.

I do stuff like that all the time and it's starting to annoy me. Well, I'm past the point of annoyance. Also I've been seeing stuff about ISFJs being traditionalists. We don't like to rock the boat with the INFJ loves doing that.

Example: I wanted to wait to get married after college because that's what I've always been taught was the right way. He only saw us getting married. That was the point. It didn't matter when, it just mattered that we did it.

And don't get me started on the conversation stuff. I'm not a talker. I'm a listener. i let him ramble on about is b.s. (and I only call it b.s. right now because I'm frustrated with him at the moment) and when he asks for input, I give short answers. I have trouble expressing how I feel. At this point, I don't feel like we are a match and, yet, we used to work passed that stuff. Or maybe he just tolerated it for so long.

It's hard with him. It really is. And I'm trying. I always get his juice. I get his account out of negative. I offer him candy. I look at the details and he wants me to see the big picture. I feel like he's trying to change me into him and I'm just not going to be him. Sure, I have N tendencies but I'm more of an S and I see that. He sees it as nothing but negative though. I honestly feel he's just trying to get rid of me so he can find someone who's a better fit. But he wants me to be the first to go so he can say he kept his vows. UGH! I know I'm rambling and this sounds like a rant but, as you can see, me being an ISFJ with an INFJ is hard.

And question: do INFJs not like the truth or something? Because my husband tells me to be truthful with him because, well, I'm usually not. So when he made me pizza and I was like, "I don't like this pizza" he got all annoyed and said, "Don't tell me you don't like the pizza. Tell me you appreciate the gesture of me making the pizza." Gosh, I never said I didn't appreciate the gesture, I just said I didn't like the pizza. OY! As you can see, I'm frustrated right now.
On the final note of the pizza - INFJs value the truth - more than anything else in fact - but, speaking from experience, they often value what they consider they consider a "deeper", or "2nd level" truth. By that I mean - there is an action, and then there is an unsaid aspect (usually the motivation) of the action which should somehow be understood. In its most basic and everyday form, a good example is this -

Person A: Hi, how are you going?
Person B: Hi, I'm good, how are you?

Both A & B understand that this is less of a legitimate attempt to really understand another person's mood - it is more about an everyday pleasantry, which is in itself not unimportant, as it demonstrates a recognition of the other person as a valued member of society. A more complex example would be something like -

Person A: What do you think of my new haircut?
Person B: I think it looks great, yeah.

A probably doesn't actually want legitimate criticism of the pros and cons of their new haircut - rather, what they're (probably, not always) seeking is some kind of emotional calming or confirmation that they made the right choice, one which they now cannot unmake and thus need to somehow feel comfortable with it. Person B should, unless they know something specific about A, probably just reply to comfort them.

An INFJ values this idea - they value knowing the comfort under such things which may on surface be untrue, but below demonstrate a different truth - one who's motivation is often something like "I don't really agree with what I'm saying, but I like and care enough about you to go ahead with this". It's not sugar coating - it is actually reading past what is said entirely and focusing on why they are saying it. That is the "truth" that INFJs value - if you ever read Proust he does a great deal of writing on this idea of accepting motivation rather than a surface statement as the real truth to anything.

One of the things that make INFJs occasionally difficult people though is that sometimes when they want the "truth" they want the basic level ("No, your hair does not look good"), and other times they want the secondary level ("Yes, your hair does look good", aka "No, your hair doesn't look good but I know you want to hear it does look good because this is important to you"). And it's often not obvious which one they want. INFJs are remarkably good at reading this want in other people - INFJs always know what a person wants to know when they ask them a question, and can reply accordingly. However they can make the mistake of assuming that because it is secondary nature for them, it is like this with everyone else. One of the arts of living with an INFJ would be to eventually be able to read them to the extent you knew what kind of truth they actually wanted.

So when you tell your husband you don't like his pizza, he sees it as a painful aberration of a situation where he was probably needing to feel comforted (INFJs have a distinct downpoint of needing a lot of reassurance, especially when doing things for other people - this is related to what I've been talking about, as it's difficult to have your mind exist so much in that unsaid, motivational area of communication, which is by its nature un-concrete and unprovable, without starting to second guess and become suspicious of things people say), and by criticizing then you probably did the very thing he was afraid of. However this was simply less your mistake and (like every problem in every marriage) more a breakdown in communication - because your motivation was in actuality to please him, by trying to follow advice he had set out to you before in terms of being more truthful. He probably didn't realize that this is what you were trying to do though, and thus took it as an attack. If he knew what you were doing as an attempt to follow his advice, an act which, if understood correctly, communicates that you care about him and this marriage enough to attempt something legitimately difficult to your nature, then he no doubt would have acted differently.

All that said though you should probably seek professional help. There sounds, just in that passage, like there is a lot of mutual contempt and bad communication. I personally think that staying in a marriage purely for the sake of keeping one's vows is a really terrible reason to be staying in a marriage, but if this is something that you both legitimately want to be in then you should probably get some help with this.

On the initial point of the thread - there is an ISFJ I was connected to earlier this year, who I adored dearly, but I had to move town. I hope one day to start something again with her - she is the single nicest, most accepting person I have ever met, and I think, more than most things, this is a incredibly attractive thing for an INFJ. We just want everyone in the world to be nice to each other - as wet as that sounds that is our profound desire of the world. Being around people who are so lovely really pulls at our heartstrings.
 

·
Meh.
ENTJ
Joined
·
8,107 Posts
I am in a longterm relationship with an ISFJ and for the most of it, it is awesome. I have found in him a caring, hardworking, devoted and loving man who has awesome skills at things that I just dont grasp.

The difficulty in this match is, imo, communication and balance. Both our natures are focused on giving and each of us have needed to learn where to say no. And learn that it is ok to have boundaries, even with the awesomest person in the world.

Communication is also an issue. Different styles of explaining. Different styles of understanding. Both inclined to bottle up. My BF finds it hard to deal with my honesty in pointing out why I am upset. I find it hard to deal with knowin that he didnt really fully understand on a subtextual level why I was upset.

But it always comes back to love and closeness.

I find myself making an effort in trying to participate in his hobbies that arent very appealing to me. He in return has learnt to sit quietly listening when i have a Story to tell with so many different directions that he's lost me about 5 minutes into a 45 minute monologue about world peace.

Give and take. Accept the differences. Celebrate the likeness.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
I am and ISFJ female and I have been with an INFJ man for almost 9 months. He is 37 and I am 24, we r both in the medical field.

We have faced our fair share of challenges.

One of the first things I discovered is that we are both very sensitive. All it takes is one pissy remark or discontented facial expression to upset him. Since then I have learnt to tread lightly in my interaction with him, especially during highly emotional times of conflict between us. I am NEVER blunt with him, and think carefully before I say things. Because he literally cannot let go of them and tends to bring up past events when new conflicts arise.

Secondly, he values honesty above all else. Early in our relationship we had a miscommunication. I thought I had told him that before I met him I had been intimately involved with a friend who is now just platonic. After I spent time with same friend one day, he was under the impression that there was no history between us. I corrected him with the truth. He became livid, thinking I had been keeping this from him, and that I had feelings for this friend which is why I kept him around for so long. He didn't remember us having a discussion about it in the past. He brought it up repeatedly for about 2 months, asking me for more details. Totally fatigued from the argument, I tried to pacify the situation and said I only slept with the guy once, but in truth it had been multiple times. (it was way before i met him and i didn't see how it mattered) Later on, he brought up the issue again and caught me in that lie. Since then he has become even more suspicious of me and thinks I have cheated on him, despite me being truthful about everything else and totally devoted to him.

Thirdly, he is overly critical of me. I understand that INFJs are ultimately seeking the ideal partner and relationship, but he takes it to another level. This may be part of why he is 37 and unmarried. When we first got together, he thought I should lose a few pounds. I thought I was fine the way I was, but figured it couldn't hurt to get active again and started exercising. I lost 11 pounds in 2 months, he then said I had lost too much weight and my face looked sucked in and I should stop working out. I was hurt that this was all he had to say after all that effort, but I stopped exercising and began to look "normal" again. He then said my body was fine to begin with, but he just meant I should just focus on my arms because they look fat in comparison to the rest of my body. He has dated some real bombshells in the past, so perhaps he just considers me too average and wants to "fix me". He also makes comments about my hair, my skin and my braces. I started wearing make-up when we go out and had hair extensions put in, thinking it would help. It hasn't. He rarely ever compliments me (maybe about 7 times throughout the course of our relationship.) It really takes a toll on my self esteem at times but I have learnt to block it out.

Fourthly, he looooooves his personal space. He gets very cranky whenever we spend "too much" time together. When we first got together this was a constant source of conflict. I literally could not get enough of him, and most of the time he just wanted to get rid of me. I would cook dinner for him, bring him his favourite dessert, stock his fridge with his favourite beverage, occasionally clean up his apartment, basically try to make myself useful thinking my presence would be more welcome. But even with all of that he would still crave his alone time. He says that's how he deals his problems, by being alone or working on his car. I too enjoy my alone time, and need to recharge after social gatherings or long days, but that applies to everyone else except him. I always have time for him no matter what I'm going through. Sometimes I wish he would look forward to our time together.

Lastly, he can be very controlling. You have probably gotten an idea of some of what I have been going through based on the above. It seems like I have no control of anything in our relationship. Things must be done his way or not at all, once in a while if he notices I seem really depressed, he may make a few allowances and we will do what I want. But for the most part he dictates when we go out, how often we spend time and for how long, when we have sex, when we discuss our issues, who I can share information about us with if I have a problem and need to talk to a friend (he cares a lot about what people think of him). I have seen him get really angry a few times, it was intense. He has never gotten physical with me and he has only had a verbal outburst once or twice. For the most part he will just seethe and then politely ask me to leave so he can deal with it. We usually discuss it calmly the next day.

Sometimes I feel I have the short end of the stick with this relationship. But he is still very kind and thoughtful. I love it when he opens up to me about his feelings. I treasure those moments. He is definitely a lot deeper than me, and there is another side to him than the gentle, unassuming individual he shows to everyone else.

A lot of times I feel I am just waiting for him to decide I am not what he wants, and move on to his next target. He tends to move on very quickly and has gone through many monogamous relationships, this is his second longest relationship. I don't know why he has stayed with me for so long. He says he appreciates the kind things I do for him and no other girlfriend has cared so much about him. For that same reason he feels I deserve better and wishes he didn't have so many issues. But I just can't help but love him despite all of the challenges. My family feels he is selfish and I should find someone who wants to give me the world.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I am still giving him my best effort and trying to be as patient with him as possible. Although at times I feel very sad and alone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,170 Posts
meljus4u: Just make sure you are not about to get involved with an antisocial personality type..
 

·
Meh.
ENTJ
Joined
·
8,107 Posts
Meljus: this isnt type, this is a disturbed person who is bullying you inside a relationship. You deserve better. Period.

Kind and thoughtful arent really the words tht come to mind when you describe how he treats you.
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Top