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I need help with a romantic predicament.

1217 Views 18 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  bromide
So, I've been romantically involved with an INFJ for 7ish weeks now. We used to just be friends/co-workers but I developed a crush on her a long time ago and have been harboring feelings for her for quite some time. She had just exited her last relationship about 6 weeks prior to the point where we started seeing each other, so of course not wanting to rush into a rebound situation, she wants to "take it slow"... yeah, well that hasn't happened exactly how I imagined "taking it slow" is supposed to look like. We have been spending ALL of our time together, no joke, a lot of the time up to 72 hours straight without a break from one another and we haven't been a part for more than enough time for her to go home, let her family know she's still alive, and grab a change of clothes (we even work full time together up until about 2 weeks ago when our boss changed my schedule :dry:)

Here's the problem... I'm already past the point where I'm "wondering if she's a good enough mate for me" I've known her for quite some time before we started dating so I already knew she was frigging amazing. She's got me under her spell, I am completely HOOKED... So get this... last week she decides is a good time to tell me that she will only enter a serious relationship with ANOTHER CRISTIAN (yeah that's right, I'm not one)

So my first reaction was "oh shit, I have to end this now, I'm pretty sure I'm already falling in love with her" I immediately went into self preservation mode, so I told her that I already have my own beliefs and my faith in those beliefs is 100% I can't just CHANGE what I believe in to be with her.

Talking after that didn't go so well. I told her that we can't see each other romantically anymore and that I needed some time away from her if we were to ever have a chance of going back to just friends. Well, she was devastated... we both were. I though I would just sulk in my apartment for a few weeks and we would be over it, then we could go back to the way things were before we began dating. Boy was I ever wrong. I lasted two whole days before I came crawling back to her and we immediately picked up where we left off.

Now I'm looking over at her sleeping, wondering what is going to happen. I can't stay away from her, it's way too painful, but I am terrified of what could happen in the future. She keeps saying that she doesn't know what to do, or if there even is a "right thing to do". I told her that since I've always been proud of having an open mind that I would try the Cristian thing, I would give it an attempt. I just can't see myself honestly changing what I believe in, and I would feel horrible if I lied and told her that I have.

Am I over thinking this? Should I just trust in life and love?

When I'm alone and contemplating this I try to listen to my emotions and I feel torn between a great sense of love and belonging, and a great sense of fear and doubt.

I suppose for now I'll just crawl into bed beside her and go to sleep....
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As a newer Christian, and an ENFP, who is divorced and sloooooooooowly entering the dating scene, I think may know where she is coming from.

She may be using the term 'Christian' to model a shared value system and set of goals. Is she talking to you about Jesus and quoting Scripture? Is she wanting you to go to church with her? If not, then she may just be looking for confirmation that you won't hurt her by having a different set of morals.

I don't know your relationship to Christianity, but if she is serious about wanting a Christian mate, you may want to go and read the Bible without the lens of a particular denominational dogma. (I suggest The Message version, as seeing some of the more quoted verses in a more modern language can blow away any preconcieved notions.) I became a Christian at 37, and while there is quite a lot I do not like about the dogma, the metaphorical and spiritual truths I have found have healed a lot of deep emotional wounds.

I hope that the two of you have a wonderful life together!
@ bromide: Thank you for pointing out that respecting someone's belief is a two-way street. If you demand that I respect your belief system whether I like it or not, then dammit, respect mine whether you like it or not. </rant> Also, any relationship is polyamorous - you and your beloved plus two belief systems, two value structures, two families of origin, two sets of expectations about life, the universe and everything, et cetera. So you'll be lucky if it is only a threesome. ; )
That means that if part of this woman's morality system is that her mate must accept Jesus as their lord and savior or they're hellbound or whatnot, it means that she really truly believes it. Think about your particular moral beliefs, be they open-mindedness or the idea that all humans have dignity or whatever. Now imagine that someone you cared about suggested that those moral beliefs should be bendable, open to compromise. You wouldn't go for it, right? Even if you did, you would still feel wrong about it. Likewise as she is conservative Christian working on her own values system, there's a chance that her morality would not be satisfied unless EyeEnEffPee has true beliefs that are in acceptable parameters. So basically in choosing to be with someone who believes the way that she does, you have to accept that the relationship is always going to be a threesome, you, your partner and their god of choice.
@ Marimeli - What a beautiful summation! As I tell my non-Christian friends, there's the Truth, and there's religion, and it's your job as a believer to dig your way through to find out what is from God and what is from someone holding onto power.

I agree that it would be best to cool it on the sex until she can determine whether she is sharing or betraying herself. (Do not fool yourself: if she is acting against her values and beliefs, her regret will boomerang eventually.)
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