[kiwigrl]

I just found out that my cousin (who lives in UK) is ISTJ. I want to help him in some way, and understand how he is feeling, better, in order to give him support, anything really.

He is such a nice guy but he has had a crappy life for a few years now. Married his girlfriend of about 8 years, 1 year later over Christmas, she cheats on him. Then she asks for a divorce and takes him to court and gets half of everything. Her family have plagued him with all sorts of other stuff too.

He has tried to re-integrate into the social scene in the hopes of finding a someone who is marriage material so he can settle down and have kids etc, but they all seem very shallow and two-faced. He is admittedly a bit messed up after all the crap that the ex and her family put him through. He had therapy for a while to get past the depression. They basically wanted to financially ruin him and damn near succeeded. He went from owning a nice house and a flash car to having to sell up and buy out of London where it was cheaper.

Anyway he is waiting to hear back about a really great job. He is a smart guy and is capable of doing quite a specialised job. If he doesn't get it he is thinking of leaving UK for a while to try and find himself.

I can tell that he is so lost and unhappy and it pains me that I can't do anything to help.


Has anyone been through this amount of trauma/ crisis in their life before?

And how did you get yourself back to normal again?

 

[Frannyy]

yep- I have been through trauma similar to this where everything in my life just seemed to keep spiraling out of my control and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse it did and nothing ever seemed to be working on my side.... took me about 3 years to get through it.


I tried almost everything- therapists never worked I hated them.... the only way I was really able to get out of it was to do it myself.... I don't think I would have let anyone but myself fix me. I wouldn't have wanted to give another person the satisfaction, it probably would have made me feel worse about myself.



also, changing environments and cutting ties with all of my unhealthy relationships really helped me. starting fresh with a clear mind. It takes a lot of time though to get over relationships.... there really isn't anything that you can do except to just be there for him and just be someone for him to talk to and trust. Try showing him that the world isn't so bad after all and I think it would really help if you helped him to have a little fun. Even if it's just inviting him to go see a movie with you. He might appreciate your effort to spend time with him. I know that when I was going through my depression I missed doing little things like that.

 

[kiwigrl]

Try showing him that the world isn't so bad after all and I think it would really help if you helped him to have a little fun. Even if it's just inviting him to go see a movie with you. He might appreciate your effort to spend time with him. I know that when I was going through my depression I missed doing little things like that.

Thanks, and I would spend time IRL with him if we weren't at opposite ends of the earth. I'm in NZ and he is in England, slight problem... But I will continue to catch him online and try to sow good seeds into his mind and heart.

 

[kittychris07]

I've never been through something this hard. I had one traumatic event happen (close loved one died) when I was a eleven. It took a year to get over that and somehow I just had to wait it out until time changed things. But I don't really remember this that well.

The only other really crappy experience I've had is dealing with burnout due to problems like getting overwhelmed with my summer job (which I was underqualified for. . . it was research and required skills I didn't have) and then having to go back to school to deal with several problems at the same time: stress with an impossible math course (half the class dropped out, and I was spending so much time working on the course and staying nervous about it), relationship issues with my bf, and problems with my boss, and so forth. While the issues themselves weren't that much, I got so tired I was not able to detach myself from all the stress, and I ended up getting totally burned out. Depression followed (I felt like I'd lost my self esteem from having everything get screwed up), and things got worse.

Not to repeat what Franny said, but I felt like I had to get through the depression myself. Talking to my friends about the problems helped me out a little bit. I do tend to hide some of the things that I am feeling, as I do not want to burden other loved ones with my problems. So they may have to probe to try to find out what is wrong and make me talk about my problems. But mostly I had to get through the problems myself (I can't really decribe the process. . . though some of it involved writing and talking with close friends about the events to try to get the bad feelings out of my system). Time helped to heal the wounds.

I guess you can try to probe your friend to talk (but not really in an aggressive way) and let him know you are always there for them. And if you could do something small for him, that might help. But you'll have to wait it out for the msot part.

 

[niss]

I think it is safe to say that all of us have been through tough times.

He's gonna have to jerk himself up by his boot straps. Therapists can help, but you've gotta do the work. It takes time, usually quite a bit of time and just working through your problems a day at a time.

The focus needs to be on him and getting emotionally healthy. Forget dating, social scenes, and anything like that. Get stable, get healthy, and you'll attract the right girl. Seek for a relationship while you are unhealthy and you are sure to get into a bad relationship.

HTH

 

[Johnnyguitarman]

Yes, i agree with the comments that he is going to have to help himself. And being an ISTJ, what is going to help him the most is practical down to earth steps.

Getting a new job is a great but if he could afford to buy a nice house in London and drive a flash car at a fairly young age, then he must have been very wealthy. I know this as I live in the South East of England. I could never have afforded a flash car and posh house in London, so I find it hard to feel that sorry for him. I would say he needs to lose his interest in excessive materialism and money. He should go for a job that he really wants to do rather than one which earns six figure sums and he only does for the money. It could be that his materialism and moneyed ways are attracting the wrong sort of girl, i.e. the shallow and two faced (and possible gold digger- hence his gold digging ex). Money does not make one happy (but it can buy a better class of misery).
Going abroad and possibly doing volunteer work would be a great idea. Might give him a healthier perspective on what is really important in life.

He needs to find a girl that will love him for who he is and not the money he has in his bank account!

He is very lucky to have a job offer in a highly specialised job. Everywhere around me friends are being laid off in the south east of England, the economy is very bad here. I worked in a very specialised job and have been struggling to find work for over a year now.

His first piece of good fortune, which I'm sure he will realise in time, is that he is now free of a money grabbing, parasitic ex wife and in-laws. He is lucky to have got away before kids were involved and hence even more of a money and emotional/ stress drain on him.

As for therapy, I don't personally have any faith in that for an ISTJ. He needs to sort himself out. Self help is a much better way out of his problems.

Do you mind me asking- what job does he specialise in?? And which part of the south east of englad does he currently reside in?

 

[kiwigrl]

Thanks for that.

I am a bit vague on the details with his job. It's something to do with insurance but it's not a run of the mill insurance job and I can't remember the title of the job he does. Anyway as far as I know only 3 people met the criteria to be interviewed. And it's not South East England, it's Nottingham he lives in. Not sure if the job is local though.

The whole materialism thing could be a big issue. You are right. The car he had was a pretty new porsche. Mind you the girls he dates now wouldn't see all that affluence anymore, the ex has alot of the money now.

 

[Johnnyguitarman]

I just knew his car would be a Porsche! A very ISTJ luxury/performance car to own. I love them, I have a Porsche myself but it is a twenty year old model that I am restoring. But I am not a materialistic person, just a bit of a car enthusiast!

The thing is though his job, if he earns a lot of money, even if his ex took a lot of it- then that could attract the wrong girls.