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phew. i was just starting to suffer from barker's remorse. glad you didn't take offence.
It all seems so important at the time.
i guess it is, when there isn't much in your personal backdrop to bring some proportion for it. and of course, you only get that sense of proportion by having and processing other experiences, so it's one of those 'only way out is through' things. it's natural for the first ones to loom pretty large. nothing yet to compare them with.

And even later, you realize that it DID all matter -- just in a way you didn't expect it would. Because it was your life. (Dang.)
heh. i sense a backstory here.

But the friend started hauling in baggage like stalker guys and police drama.
wellllll . . . i typed a whole lot because this is a big trigger zone of my own, but it comes down to this:

- it's not as far-fetched to me that this girl does 'attract' people who are weird about boundaries. i mean, i don't know; for all i know she is histrionic and just making all of it up. but fwiw, i've been in exactly that space, and in my personal case i can assure you i was not trying to 'attract' anything, and i sure wasn't making it up. beign stalked doesn't make you feel noticed. it makes you feel like something that doesn't exist.

so there was nothing enjoyable about any of it. i was just trying to get through my life and be me, but that turned out to be difficult for a long time.

- the op herself is actually a case in point. it's amazing to me that anyone could read what she's said without realising she's clearly someone who has a LOT to learn about boundaries.

so it's really bizarre for me to see you enabling her to cross all those lines with one hand and with the other dissing a person who may actually be an object of widespread upsetting intrusiveness.

if she is, then it's no wonder she sometimes comes off as a little bit odd. it gets genuinely hard to know what ground you can safely set your feet on, i know that.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
glad you didn't take offence.
You are harsh on me but you have your reasons. I am not going to get offended by that though this is a boundary crossing for me.


beign stalked doesn't make you feel noticed.
Of course it doesn’t. I’ve been stalked myself. Nothing more trrifying than that. Also I know a couple people who got such experience. Though non of them tells such stories as an entertainment part just as she did.


the op herself is actually a case in point. it's amazing to me that anyone could read what she's said without realising she's clearly someone who has a LOT to learn about boundaries.
I would really like to know what exact boundaries you mean because I don’t understand.

Personal space boundires - I only violated that once with a hug. And I

I am not stalking her. I know things about her because she told me or she showed me pictures. I did not ask her about this stuff. We talked like you know - normal people do.

Was I intimidating giving her space and talking to her occassionally? Like seriously we used to sit completely apart in silence, each of us minding their own bussines. Then I’d start a convo or she’d start one. She did a small talk to me too. Mostly about lunch.

Was I intimidated with her standing silently like 1 meter away from me and actually looking at me for like 15 minutes straight instead of going home - YES. That was crossing my personal boundary.

She chose to go to the movies with me and my friend. She chose to eat with us afterwards. She chose to come to my party. She chose not to another one. Did I push her to any of this? No. I invited her and that is it.

She even chose to sit with me when she met me when I was completely drunk. Maybe my crossing the boundries was telling her to go.
Then I agree. But she didn’t listen anyway.

Was crossing boundries that I sometimes sent her a meme? She sent me a couple herself. We do react on our instagram frequently. She does not engage talks though. But when I do engage one, she always responds. She doesn’t have to respond. Even I ignore people when I am not interested.

So maybe this boundary crossing is happening here: my judgemental, onesided, obsessive and pathologic description.

I am not offended I want to know. If you tell me I am a creep then I’ll go get a treatment.
 

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I would really like to know what exact boundaries you mean because I don’t understand.
i'm just not sure that it's business of yours where she goes, who she sees, what she studies, what "look" she goes for, what she takes offence at, how she conducts her friendships . . . or why she does any of it. these are all things you've opined on in here as if that was your right. but it doesn't seem to me like it's your place to make up this narrative where something about her is misguided or damaged, whenever the way she acts doesn't align with your own expectations.

it seems to me that you tell yourself you have her best interests at heart, and it may not have occurred to you that that could be a bad thing. i haven't read your posts in detail, but that's my impression based on the skimming i did.

to me, a reason like that may be true but it's not good enough. if she's also an intj, i'm certainly making a leap to imply that she'd feel the same way. but fwiw i associate my own tendency to prioritize autonomy and privacy higher than 'care' is a part of my type.

it also seems to me that you coun't rather a lot on your own type to assure yourself that your interpretations are insightful enough to be right. idk, maybe they are, but i can't help feeling like if they were then you'd be both less confused and more respectful of her. and again, if i were this girl then even you being right wouldn't GIVE you the right to make determinations about me like that.

i don't think either of you knows the other one very well. i don't think it matters what the internet says. even if we could analyse her and explain her to you perfectly [we can't], the information still wouldn't mean anything unless she gave it to you herself, of her own free direct will.
 

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I took it very personal, and the argument has started. That escalated quickly, I left the chat. I was so angry, that thing she stated was quite ego slapping and it really hurt me.
And that's where you fcked up.
Majority of the fights between people are happen, because they took themselves too seriously (like you did,when she stated something and you took it personally, even if she obviously didn't meant it to be personal. And if it was, then what? Everyone has the right to think anything they want about anyone, because that is THEIR business not YOURS. You don't have authorisation over anyone's interpretation of you. No one needs to think the same of you as you think about yourself.) And because they can't control themselves properly. (like you did, when you left the chat like mommy's little hysteric teen whore)

This two aspect of you is reflected in your whole "problem". In other words, like the majority of this kind of posts on this forum, the "problem" is yourself. To be more exact: The inability to handle yourself properly.

Your answers aren't here. This has nothing to do with INTJ type. This has nothing to do with INFP type. This has nothing to do with us, and with your friend. This is about you, and the fact that you mentally still wear diaper even though you are an adult in theory.
 

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Discussion Starter #25
i'm just not sure that it's business of yours where she goes, who she sees, what she studies, what "look" she goes for, what she takes offence at, how she conducts her friendships . . .
Wow now I get why you are so harsh on me. This is actually disturbing me now.
To me it’s just a basic info, it’s what people talk about. Her included.

Well, let’s set this straight. She is not like you. She doesn’t like to gossip But she is talking about her friends or other people with me just like I talk about her here. (In your opinion it’s none of her or mine bussines what those people do and how they do yet she is fine with telling me)
And she knows I like to opiniate on people and she is fine with it.

Details are important. I value less your opinions now given that you basically just misjudge me all the way.
 

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You actually cheered me up!
Irrelevant.

You are late to the party, that first description wasn’t accurate.
Then next time, if you want to share something, first organize your thougths properly. This is just shows me more immatureness. Which is already screaming from you. Now we know, that not only you are immature, but also unreliable when it comes to information handling.

But yes I am wearing a diaper. And it’s comfy sometimes. Sometimes not.
I guess when you wrote this post, it wasn't comfy, because you seem distracted from the truth, and meaning of stuff.
 

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Discussion Starter #28 (Edited)
Oh well I see things like this now.

I’ve made my decission.

Regardless of our feelings and baggage and who is the creep and who has issues there is no match or future whatsoever. If I will heave to deal with such narration as some of you presented here, then I am logging off the chat like „mommy's little hysteric teen whore” (I really like that)

Thanks @AllOne for actually trying to to be helpful.
 

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You are welcome. Have fun. Stay safe. Remember the INTJ way to give yourself time to silently (and cooly) think things through before acting.
 

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Thank you for your compliment. That was kind of you! It's hard for me to give advice because I always think, "Don't tell people what to do." I feel like I am sharing responsibility for the outcome. When I solve my own problems, I know who I am and what I'm dealing with. Lately, I have been troubleshooting problems for strangers on this forum, and I'm getting uncomfortable with that role. So, it was a good thing that we were here at the same time and I helped you.
 

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Discussion Starter #32
Well, telling people what to do and giving a thoughtful advice are two different things. Especially when someone asks for advice.
It is responsibility and I struggle with exactly same thing.

Here is probably the biggest difference between us. I tend to understand better others and their problems than my own. I don’t know why my intelligence turns off when it comes to my own life. So I don’t know myself that well and I don’t know what to do etc.

It is as if you were a painter. You decide what is on your painting.
I am like an art critic. I don’t know how to paint but I am able to tell what is good and what is not. (But when someone tells me to paint my own painting then I am all it tears)

I hope I desribed that well.

I really know what you talking about. I always listen to my friends problems (sometimes strangers too) and try to help. And it always eventually drains me to the verge of emotional breakdown. Then I need to recharge and keep quiet for days to gain the power of listening and helping again. It probably sound strange.

I don’t come here often. Mostly I am too busy with my life. I did once helped and INTJ girl though. The case was an obsessive INFP. (Sounds like a bad joke, right?)

It was a great thing. At first you sounded harsher with your opinions. At the end you sound quite friendly. I am glad you are here. Now I wonder if you are really INTJ? Maybe you are close to F side? Haha I know INFJ people and they are sweet and caring.
 
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