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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I should be in prison.



Trigger Warning, violence, abuse.



i attempted to murder my roommate three times early this year. After she got sick with pneumonia or bronchitis, and not in a clear head, I took advantage of her trust in her. It goes beyond my addiction to drugs and I am very lucky she hadn’t pressed charges.



January, I gave her extra Benzos while she was already on nyquil, taking them for pain. She woke up the next day being told by an angel to chug applesauce or she would die.



February, I wouldn’t say it was an argument. She seeks the truth and I like to runaway i’m stubborn pride refusing correction, or Ill attack. And that’s what i did. She wouldn’t go away, she’s committed like that, and i slapped her up with a notebook a few times and then I pinched her bicep in a nasty fit, i tried ripping out the nerves..two weeks she was in terrible pain in her arm and chest. on top of that she had an infection from my dirty nails.



March, we decided to get a relatively safe native american herb to help her with her a health problem. She only wanted to take it once, in pride and not following her know I convinced her to take two more full doses. She has taken this stuff before, i have not, i have an experience with abusing drugs, She does not. She is quite discliplined and patient. I’m a easily jealous psychopath who pinned my mommy hate onto her. She is still sick from the downfall of this. We can only hope she gets better but innocent blood is on my hands. Because of this native american herb, she swelled up due to estrogen dominance - she can’t keep down any food, is puking all the time.. she can barely walk, her legs are on fire at night.. so basically i’m watching her waste away in front of me because I wanted to see if I could push buttons when she was in a weak and vulnerable space.


I came to her for teaching, and to heal from past issues four years ago but Instead I took up with drugs, gaslighted, manipulated her over and over again. my temper has me throw her things across the room if i was dared to be offended. I lived in a cloud of self pity and entitlement. I despised when I couldn’t be spoiled like that was her problem. I made her feel stupid - I ended up trying to control her life. like a cerebral narcissist, I single white femaled her. Someone I once thought I adored ended up a person to put all my hatred on. And i did. Four years of me lashing out and being a hateful power gaming conniving little bitch and I can’t do anything to make her better. i can’t throw money at this problem i created for her, while she has to live through the trauma and consistent pain.. I have to watch her and I’m trying my best to help her but I realize now everything is out of my control and my trying to play god and over again has literally ruined someone’s life.



I was very jealous of her. She’s perfect imo which is a toxic mindset because perfection isn’t real and also horrible to the person on the pedestal. I envied how much she bonded with the world and how much her friends loved her, recognizing I don’t have real friends just infatuations and things that have been conquered or has conquered me. She was feminine, had loads of energy, was always so kind hearted - dealing with her own trauma she refused to be bitter. a superpower in my eyes, but that’s what’s makes all of this so much worse.. She didn’t deserve a lick of any abuse I have done. I also told her and myself she is like my mom, which is so offensive because she couldn’t be farther from the psychopath that is my mother (but I always saw Mommy Dearest with rose tinted glasses.) so I justified my abuse for years, and she gave me chances upon chances because she just thought i was wounded. But actually I’m a monster with a victim personality who can’t cope with stress or constructive criticism or love. She is meek and thoughtful and headstrong and patient and.. I didn’t deserve love, i seeked it in another but I just preyed on innocent people.
 
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