[curious0610]

hey guys... so as part of my process of "becoming an adult," i guess i've been trying to figure out my thoughts on certain things. And there's something that's been on the back of my mind for a while.

when i was a freshman, i met some friends through a service club - it was a really close-knit community and we all bonded, hung out regularly. I met an INTP friend there -- people joked how close and similar we were and thought we were really close. however, in reality, the person was super private ( a lot more than i am) and i knew she had a small circle of friends from the same club (2 or 3) that she met at the same time, but was a lot closer to. I remember moments of observing her (and being confused cause i couldn't read her at all). I didn't have any intuition or gut feeling about her cause she was so private, but i remember feeling uneasy around her because she seemed to be very secretive and hiding something. Anyway, i continued to be her friend but also met a lot of other people in the club.

One day, she sort of disappeared. Our club leader emailed us saying that the INTP didn't want to be in the club anymore, but still wanted to be friends with all of us. The same day i had run into her before the meeting and she didn't say anything about this just, "oh im not going" and i thought she meant that specific meeting. Anyway, i tried to continue to be friends with her, but she was really shut off to anyone, except those 3 people. She cut off everyone from facebook and even if i saw her on school or with her family, she'd just ignore me and walk away. One time we were in the same class, and i was excited to see her, and sat down with her and one of the friends she was close to. she just pulled her cap down and ignored me. I later found out from one of those 3 people she was close to that around that time, she cut off everyone -- so that her facebook only had those 3 people, her wall was disabled, and everything was deleted. However, she continued to develop close relationships with those 3 people throughout college. And even now, her facebook is extremely private to those 3 people too - so they can only see mutual friends and her profile picture.

I guess.. i feel hurt...? confused...? i know i didn't do anything wrong to this person, or could i have? i didn't even know her that well enough... and i realize that she did this to everyone, but i can't help but take it personally. Around the time after she cut everyone off, someone else from the club said she ran into her and from my conversation with her, it seemed like she talked to that person and didn't act like she did towards me. I know around this time that her family was going through a divorce, but she told me it was something going on for the past 6-7 years, so the actual divorce wasn't new. I told myself... maybe it is because of family issues, she is cutting everyone off? Still, I feel uneasy and can't help but wonder if I did something wrong? This is several years ago... we've all graduated... and i'm not even in touch with those 3 people anymore... so i dont plan on doing anything like sending any message to anyone or anything. I just want to sort out my thoughts on this.... i'm confused and i dont know to be honest... I know that within my social network and this INTP's social network, we have some other overlap, and i honestly feel confused at what to say if someone asks if I know her. do i? I do. sort of. And i wonder if she has anything against me, cause if so, that makes me feel more uneasy. The only gut feeling/instinct I have about this situation now, is that this person has something against me... i dont have anything concrete to base this off of, but just my intuition on my last interactions with her i guess. recently (before i graduated and lost touch with everyone), i heard she started recontacting some people (not people from the club though). anyway, has anyone had any experiences with someone cutting them off or doorslamming them? even if you didn't do anything wrong?

 

[Thrifty Walrus]

Don't worry about it, sounds like an INTP, albeit maybe a little bit unhealthy?

In other words, it's not you, it's her. Trust me.

 

[curious0610]

Don't worry about it, sounds like an INTP, albeit maybe a little bit unhealthy?

In other words, it's not you, it's her. Trust me.

I guess I just feel uneasy about not having things settled. If she sent us a message (me and others she cut off) saying anything, it would've helpd me organize my thoughts. We went from texting, eating dinner occasionally, chatting in the halls, working on a surprise party for the club.... to suddenly no contact.

And i feel bewildered and confused i guess. I've cut people off before, but they know exactly why. And it is usually because I've been tolerating them for a while, and moments where they have stepped over me add up and up and up to the point, where I realize I need to be free of their influence (there are quite a few threads on the INFJ version of doorslam).

Bleh.

But thanks for the reassurance. It makes me feel slightly better

 

[Nitou]

It's not you, it's her. Trust me.

That.

She sounds very unhealthy to me. My first thought is that she could be hooked on meth or some other drug. She may be mentally ill or just going through a bad phase. I have known people whose minds were compromised to bewilder their friends and cut everyone off. I understand that it is confusing/hurtful when someone does this, but don't take it personally. It isn't.

 

[MissNobody]

I agree it doesn't sound personal.

Maybe something has hurt her deeply and the only way to cope with it is to shut people out and only keep in contact with the people who she feels she knows well enough to trust.

I know I did something similar to my 'friends' but not to the extremes that she did. I was having to deal with a lot of crazy hormones/pms amongst other personal problems that I didn't understand at the time and I thought that it was the people I hung around with making me feel like crap but now I understand that it was mostly me that was the problem! I am friends with this group on facebook, but I don't hang around with them in person. I almost want to write them all a letter explaining myself and apologising but is 4 years too late?

Again, it really doesn't sound like she has a problem with you personally.

 

[R22]

If this were someone you were close with it might be a cause for concern, but if she cut off people in general chances are she might just being going through something personal and perhaps it's a self-preservation thing. Probably the best thing to do in a situation like that is to talk to the person directly as guessing at motivations or reasons for a person's behavior, without evidence, can be tricky, even if your gut is telling you something is off. If she were a close friend and you could think of something that maybe offended her, I would try to talk to her about it. However if you weren't close enough with her to even be able to do that, and she did this to others too, chances are it has nothing to do with you and I wouldn't worry about it.

As far as facebook & deleted wall posts/ disabling the wall, etc., I have done that before also and now I keep things more private. Sometimes people have had their privacy invaded, something happened, or they don't like having everyone be able to read conversations that they would rather have private, so that's understandable. At any rate, in life people go through all sort sof things, some that they share with others, some that they choose not to. Sometimes life events prompt us to be more open and to share more, sometimes they cause a person to retreat. However, it's tough to really know what someone else is going through or why they do what they do if they don't choose to share it with you, and if there is little evidence for her being a harm to herself or anything like that, perhaps she is just going through something that she is not choosing to share for whatever reason and it may be best to just give her the benefit of the doubt that this is something she needs to do for herself and respect her need for space. Maybe in time you will get clarity on the situation but for now it sounds like it is best to leave it be.

 

[curious0610]

Thanks guys for the advice. Definitely… i've done things like this before, retreating, going super private into Facebook… and retreating even from friends, but I've never cut off people who haven't wronged me. I haven't talked to her or anything. This happened a few years ago, and I have no plans on talking to her, but I need to figure things out for myself.

I guess I was feeling threatened by this hostile behavior towards me, which I viewed as personal. I was probably the only one that reached out to her? so I received this behavior. I mean… it was shocking for me to see someone I knew in class, have her glare at me, and then put her hat down to not look at me. Not even a brief "hi." After my experience with her though, i learned not to reach out to much once people put their walls up.

I know this sounds silly given that everyone is saying that it's her, not me, but this experience was a lot more traumatizing than I want to admit. I wasn't even able to talk about it until now, years down the line. So here I am finally talking about this and wondering.

Recently, i was burned by someone I had considered a friend. She had similarly demonstrated hostile behavior towards me in person, only to later backstab me and cut me off from my social network. It was a lot more subtler, but she had also cut me off like this person did -- not facebook or obvious things, but more covert things, that led to me being betrayed by a group of people i thought were friends. Now, my alarm bells go off when I encounter this behavior. I guess it's a good thing... because I know at that time, I didn't have any vibes from her, but now i do have some gut feelings that this person isn't healthy.

 

[vel]

INTPs have inferior Fe so they can be pretty low on empathy. If you hang out on IxTP forums you'll see that sometimes people trying to be friendly and bonding to IxTPs in what appears to be a normal manner to me, provoke angry outbursts in them. It varies from individual to individual and depends on maturity levels, but sometimes their inferior Fe does freak out when people are simply trying to be nice to them. They probably get the same feeling about others expressing Fe that I get when another ESTP starts telling stories about how many girls he has sex with up to date and savoring all the juicy details.

If you go to ENFJ forum there is a story there posted by one ENFJ whose ISTP roommate completely cut her off for not apparent reason. She wouldn't even talk to her about what's wrong. So she just left the poor girl wondering and contemplating if she is to blame somehow, and I think eventually she moved out. I think this is same kind of strong Fe - inferior Fe repulsion in works here. Even though you extended her help she probably hated you exactly for this same reason.

 

[curious0610]

INTPs have inferior Fe so they can be pretty low on empathy. If you hang out on IxTP forums you'll see that sometimes people trying to be friendly and bonding to IxTPs in what appears to be a normal manner to me, provoke angry outbursts in them. It varies from individual to individual and depends on maturity levels, but sometimes their inferior Fe does freak out when people are simply trying to be nice to them. They probably get the same feeling about others expressing Fe that I get when another ESTP starts telling stories about how many girls he has sex with up to date and savoring all the juicy details.

If you go to ENFJ forum there is a story there posted by one ENFJ whose ISTP roommate completely cut her off for not apparent reason. She wouldn't even talk to her about what's wrong. So she just left the poor girl wondering and contemplating if she is to blame somehow, and I think eventually she moved out. I think this is same kind of strong Fe - inferior Fe repulsion in works here. Even though you extended her help she probably hated you exactly for this same reason.

That makes sense.... I'm not certain this person is INTP. We had to take the quiz at the club, and she said she was INTP or ISTP, but we all sort of concluded INTP since she doesnt really live in the presence.

Do you think it can be the same for INTJs?

 

[vel]

That makes sense.... I'm not certain this person is INTP. We had to take the quiz at the club, and she said she was INTP or ISTP, but we all sort of concluded INTP since she doesnt really live in the presence.

Do you think it can be the same for INTJs?

INTJs are same as us in this respect. They have inferior Se and get offended by ESTPs and ESFPs talking about 'gross' physical stuff. I have once seen an INTJ go completely ballistic over an ESTP who was talking about his clubbing and bar experiences ... well, he didn't quite go ballistic (it was ballistic for his usual calm INTJ manner) but he sat there carefully dissecting all that the ESTP guy was saying to make a point of how stupid he is. They had a somewhat heated exchange at the end of which the INTJ guy told ESTP dude that he finds his frat attitude sickening and not normal. I completely agreed

In this manner I think we do have it easier than other MBTI types, because in society there are notions that you shouldn't be too shallow, too materialistic, too showy, too much of a pig, etc. so there exist anti-Se attitudes that support inferior Se reactions like that. Telling off a frat boy is not going to alienate that INTJ from a ton of people. It for ISTPs and INTPs their inferior feeling function can indeed alienate them from many others. What's ironic is that they are most likely to alienate those with developed Fe, who will try to create bonds with them and be faced with their negative reaction.

 

[vel]

This is actually a good thread here on why ISTPs can feel depressed at times and how their dominant Ti and inferior Fe can make it worse for them:
personalitycafe.com/istp-forum-mechanics/31291-how-good-friend-istp-2.html#post67a5306

I'd assume it is similar for INTPs may be lower in intensity in the moment.