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lol, I got embarrassed. :( Situation still happening, but I just got really embarrassed to ask.
Lol don't be embarrassed, nobody is gonna make you feel that way here. Just open up and let me know whats going on. Maybe one of us can offer some help or perspective.

If youre not comfortable posting on here you can always send me a pm.
 

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lololol! I test more like an ENFP nowadays, but my function stack is definitely of an ESTJ. feel free to ask!
I have no current questions, I just want to tie you down when questions do arise before you escape into the real world lol.
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
Lol don't be embarrassed, nobody is gonna make you feel that way here. Just open up and let me know whats going on. Maybe one of us can offer some help or perspective.

If youre not comfortable posting on here you can always send me a pm.
Okay I'll ask. I went out with an ENFJ, we went on a 6 hour date. It was amazing. He held my hands and everything was just ugh amazing. We kissed at the end of it, but I feel like I initiated. I'm not even sure he was thinking that would happen. Anyway, however we live in different cities (5hour drive). Even so, about a week in, I already knew I wanted to be with him. So I asked. We agreed to exclusively date but quickly realized he is super focused on his career. He doesn't even take days off. So it was difficult for him to add me to the mix, but he did-- he made as much time for me as he could, tried to fulfill my needs. But me, being me, didn't want him to go bending himself backwards for me and adding extra stress for him. I wanted to alleviate that because I'm not okay with someone taking 2 hours out of his day to talk to me when he's super tired and doesn't even have time to take care of himself. A week after that I mentioned if he still wanted to keep going. And he told me he wanted to think it through and a day later got back to me and said he didn't think he'd be able to meet my needs at the moment and it's probably a time/place thing, but didn't make a decision. And I knew he was too nice to end things, so I told him I understood. And when timing is better, he can chase me down. As he's told me I'm literally every checklist thing he's ever wanted in a girl.

Anyway, well I THOUGHT he was going to leave my life. But he hasn't. He keeps sticking around, checks up on me almost everyday, and occasionally flirts with me. He's always there when I'm having a tough time. And I love/hate this because I feel like it's just dangling in front of me that I can't be with him. And he asked when I'm going to visit his city because I told him I'd be stopping in again this month (which turns out I am), but I haven't told him yet because I'm not sure what to do.

I want in. I want in 100%, but I don't want to end up in a situation where I'm giving 100 and the other person is only capable of giving maybe 50% right now, and feeling like in the end I'm in a one-sided relationship. I don't want to be strung along. But I also feel that's not typical of an ENFJ. You guys want serious-commitment-stability which is exactly what I want. But I try to be mindful of his current needs, and he's told me he's in a very selfish place with his career right now, and I want to respect that also. And sometimes it's weird because when he talks to me it's almost just platonic, but other days we'll subtley flirt. Rather confusing.

What to do?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I have no current questions, I just want to tie you down when questions do arise before you escape into the real world lol.
so trueeeee. lol. But also I'm a terrible example of an ESTJ, I experienced depression about 2 years ago and suddenly all I do is feel everything. So I'm actually hopeful the rest of the thinkers can develop more feelings, but I definitely hang out with only NFs irl. lol.
 

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so trueeeee. lol. But also I'm a terrible example of an ESTJ, I experienced depression about 2 years ago and suddenly all I do is feel everything. So I'm actually hopeful the rest of the thinkers can develop more feelings, but I definitely hang out with only NFs irl. lol.
Ok, you just gave me a question then. What do you think a major difference between you and the NFs you hang out with are?
 

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Ok, you just gave me a question then. What do you think a major difference between you and the NFs you hang out with are?
definitely the ST/NF distinction. I can't process like you guys. I can't function in greys at all (I'm pushing myself to tho!) & nothing is ever that really b&w for NFs. Y'all just feel it out and see what happens whereas I NEED to make an active decision on what direction and define everything. So in my current situation, I'm running in NF mode because I think he may just need more time to feel it out vs. I've already logically decided he's it.
 

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definitely the ST/NF distinction. I can't process like you guys. I can't function in greys at all (I'm pushing myself to tho!) & nothing is ever that really b&w for NFs. Y'all just feel it out and see what happens whereas I NEED to make an active decision on what direction and define everything. So in my current situation, I'm running in NF mode because I think he may just need more time to feel it out vs. I've already logically decided he's it.
Wow, that's a dichotomy lol. It's strange because NFs can either be gray or extremely black and white, especially with the uses of the words "evil" and "good". It sounds like you kind of process things into a file cabinet, everything has it's proper place, and NFs process things in a jar, they put everything in, shake it up, and see what rises to the top.

Ok so you think he's just feeling it out.

Ok so why do you think he's it?
 

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Wow, that's a dichotomy lol. It's strange because NFs can either be gray or extremely black and white, especially with the uses of the words "evil" and "good". It sounds like you kind of process things into a file cabinet, everything has it's proper place, and NFs process things in a jar, they put everything in, shake it up, and see what rises to the top.

Ok so you think he's just feeling it out.

Ok so why do you think he's it?
To your top comments, YES! Totally. I have boxes for everything whereas my bestie who's an INFJ, used to get so confused as why I couldn't just let things be grey.

Yes, I think he's feeling it out.

Because of the way I feel for 1, and he's everything that works (I trial and errored dating for the last 2.5 years, been on over 50 dates maybe, and figured out what works). It's ridiculously scientific, I know #thinkerbrain. But also, THE FEELS THE FEELS. I just know that with my personality/lifestyle I can easily make things work with him-- and I'd be totally willing & wouldn't let it fail on my end, EVER. ESTJs are problem solvers after all.
 

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To your top comments, YES! Totally. I have boxes for everything whereas my bestie who's an INFJ, used to get so confused as why I couldn't just let things be grey.

Yes, I think he's feeling it out.

Because of the way I feel for 1, and he's everything that works (I trial and errored dating for the last 2.5 years, been on over 50 dates maybe, and figured out what works). It's ridiculously scientific, I know #thinkerbrain. But also, THE FEELS THE FEELS. I just know that with my personality/lifestyle I can easily make things work with him-- and I'd be totally willing & wouldn't let it fail on my end, EVER. ESTJs are problem solvers after all.
Well damn, you sound VERY sure lol.

ENFJs do like to catch the "vibe" of things, so yea he'll have to get a clear picture of you before he makes that a decision.

50....dates. My god girl lol.
 

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Well damn, you sound VERY sure lol.

ENFJs do like to catch the "vibe" of things, so yea he'll have to get a clear picture of you before he makes that a decision.

50....dates. My god girl lol.
I learn by doing. I literally scientific process everything-- my NF friends find it hilarious bc they just feel everything out & I'm over here like HYPOTHESIS, OBSERVATIONS, CONCLUSIONS... we all learn differently I suppose and that's beautiful! & thanks to them, that's the only reason I understand + can even fathom why it's taking him a while to figure things out-- or should I say feel things out (haha!!!). But alas, it's a month in now, so he has a way better picture of who I am, which IDK if it's good or bad, but he's still here. :)

I'm just afraid of running into an issue where I really fall for him & he's just too nice to kick me out of his life. But what I do not understand is, he doesn't seem to be backing away. He's just as attentive.
 

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So are you waiting for him to give you a clear sign of interest? And in what way, like a date or saying he wants things to be exclusive?
 

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So are you waiting for him to give you a clear sign of interest? And in what way, like a date or saying he wants things to be exclusive?
What do you mean? I know he wants me in his life, but I just don't know at what capacity. And I'm not sure he knows, but I'm PRETTY SURE I'm on the gf route and not just the friend route. But I think he needs more time to figure that out. Hence, why I'll have to see him for him to get a better feel for it.
 

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Maybe just be friends for now. Perhaps he is naturally flirtatious, or he just subtly wants to let you know he hasn't lost interest in you. He probably doesn't want to grow distant from you, but he can't commit right now and so he basically told you now isn't a good time.

I'm guessing he very much wants to keep your friendship alive, so why not do that? If a relationship between you two is meant to be, it will happen when the time is right. There's no rush. :happy:
 

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Maybe just be friends for now. Perhaps he is naturally flirtatious, or he just subtly wants to let you know he hasn't lost interest in you. He probably doesn't want to grow distant from you, but he can't commit right now and so he basically told you now isn't a good time.

I'm guessing he very much wants to keep your friendship alive, so why not do that? If a relationship between you two is meant to be, it will happen when the time is right. There's no rush. :happy:
also, he's definitely not naturally flirtatious lol. he didn't do much flirting on our first date until after. he only ever goes as far as i go first. and ugh, i'm 99ish% sure he hasn't lost interest. he said to me "at the VERY least you have to stay in my life and be my friend and be okay with me checking in on you" and i guess i just don't understand the purpose of that if he had no intentions of it going anywhere.

& because i'm an estj, i can't do grey. i can't not know where it's going. if i put you in my friend box, you don't get out of my friend box. and that's fine. but i literally turn off all my feelings for the person. and if that be the case, i can't turn them off really if i'm being honest so i need them to just leave my life. i know it may not make sense to you because it's a different way of processing, but ST is very present/current short-term short-sighted.

thanks for your help btw. sigh.
 

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Okay I'll ask. I went out with an ENFJ, we went on a 6 hour date. It was amazing. He held my hands and everything was just ugh amazing. We kissed at the end of it, but I feel like I initiated. I'm not even sure he was thinking that would happen. Anyway, however we live in different cities (5hour drive). Even so, about a week in, I already knew I wanted to be with him. So I asked. We agreed to exclusively date but quickly realized he is super focused on his career. He doesn't even take days off. So it was difficult for him to add me to the mix, but he did-- he made as much time for me as he could, tried to fulfill my needs. But me, being me, didn't want him to go bending himself backwards for me and adding extra stress for him. I wanted to alleviate that because I'm not okay with someone taking 2 hours out of his day to talk to me when he's super tired and doesn't even have time to take care of himself. A week after that I mentioned if he still wanted to keep going. And he told me he wanted to think it through and a day later got back to me and said he didn't think he'd be able to meet my needs at the moment and it's probably a time/place thing, but didn't make a decision. And I knew he was too nice to end things, so I told him I understood. And when timing is better, he can chase me down. As he's told me I'm literally every checklist thing he's ever wanted in a girl.

Anyway, well I THOUGHT he was going to leave my life. But he hasn't. He keeps sticking around, checks up on me almost everyday, and occasionally flirts with me. He's always there when I'm having a tough time. And I love/hate this because I feel like it's just dangling in front of me that I can't be with him. And he asked when I'm going to visit his city because I told him I'd be stopping in again this month (which turns out I am), but I haven't told him yet because I'm not sure what to do.

I want in. I want in 100%, but I don't want to end up in a situation where I'm giving 100 and the other person is only capable of giving maybe 50% right now, and feeling like in the end I'm in a one-sided relationship. I don't want to be strung along. But I also feel that's not typical of an ENFJ. You guys want serious-commitment-stability which is exactly what I want. But I try to be mindful of his current needs, and he's told me he's in a very selfish place with his career right now, and I want to respect that also. And sometimes it's weird because when he talks to me it's almost just platonic, but other days we'll subtley flirt. Rather confusing.

What to do?
I think you need to ask yourself how long are you willing to wait for him to figure things out, keeping in mind it could take him months to decide. If he is as great as you say, he may be worth the wait.
 
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