[BuddhistENFP]

First of all, I don't know for sure if she's an ENFJ, but she appears to be one from the type descriptions I've read.
We took a class together one and a half year ago, and she seemed very nice and caring. She was good at involving me and asking me if I wanted to join her with her friends for lunches etc. In a way she was mother-like. She seemed to want everyone to get along and was great at bringing people together.
I think she gradually became annoyed with me for not acting the way she expected. I am quite talkative and sometimes (not intentionally) I interrupt people, especially if I'm really excited about something. It was easy to notice that she didn't appreciate that, as she would look really annoyed and one time she said "will you PLEASE shut up and let me finish? thank you". That made me really sad (because I felt awful having interrupted, and I felt that she was angry with me) but I tried not to let it show. One hour later when we were walking back to class she was nice and tried chatting with me (it was obvious that she had noticed that I got somewhat sad/silent after she "yelled" at me), and we both pretended like nothing was wrong and were nice to each other. Yet after that she stopped inviting me to lunch dates, and when I asked if she wanted to join me and others she was nice/smiling but excused herself ("oh, that would be nice but I have to do something now, let's do it some other time!") and she just gradually distanced herself from me (that's how it seemed like to me, at least).

Of course I over-analyze things and often suspect the worst (other people were like "I'm sure she doesn't dislike you, she is just really busy these days"), but I got a really bad feeling. It makes me really sad when I feel that my behaviour has caused people to dislike me :sad: I want to be nice, and I want everybody to like me. Other than me interrupting/talking too much sometimes, I think she didn't like the fact that I wanted to discuss politics (because that could make the group split up as we have different opinions).

Do any of you recognize this? I'm not totally sure she is an ENFJ, but I think she is one. She is very smart, by the way. I think her boyfriend is INTP but I'm not totally sure about him either.

Do you (ENFJs) dislike people forever once you make up your mind or are you willing to reconsider? I feel really bad about the whole situation and would like to "fix" it, is there any way I could do that?

And how can I avoid future conflicts with ENFJs (other than the obvious not interrupting people, I'm very aware of that :blushed

Thanks!

 

[SilentScream]

I am quite talkative and sometimes (not intentionally) I interrupt people, especially if I'm really excited about something. It was easy to notice that she didn't appreciate that, as she would look really annoyed and one time she said "will you PLEASE shut up and let me finish? thank you". That made me really sad (because I felt awful having interrupted, and I felt that she was angry with me) but I tried not to let it show.

Yet after that she stopped inviting me to lunch dates, and when I asked if she wanted to join me and others she was nice/smiling but excused herself ("oh, that would be nice but I have to do something now, let's do it some other time!") and she just gradually distanced herself from me (that's how it seemed like to me, at least).

Honestly, my advice is to stop worrying about this one person and go find people who will treat you better. If anyone ever did that to me, I would be the one distancing myself from them. If this person means a lot to you and think that she might be going through a hard time and therefore acting out and projecting her negativity on you, then maybe stick it out. But honestly, I personally believe that she's treating you unfairly. I'm not going to make any guesses about her motivation - but it doesn't sound healthy from what you've shared with us.

Just be yourself and not worry about others. You can't please everyone and you can't get everyone to like you no matter how hard you try or want to. There will always be people who won't like you --- With that kind of motivation "I want everyone to like me." When even one person is being mean/rude/treating us unfairly, it's easy to over-look all the others who do treat us well.

Whenever I'm faced with the prospect of an unhealthy relationship where I feel like I'm being treated poorly, I create some distance between myself and that person, and I go back to the people I know love me as I am --- quirks, weaknesses and all.

 

[BuddhistENFP]

@Jawz thank you so much for the great advice I agree with you, I just need to accept that some people don't like me and understand that I can't please everyone. I won't bother to try to fix the friendship with her, she has moved to a different town anyway. For some reason it's really hard for me to give up on people. I always give second chances, over and over again.. I need to stop doing that I guess

 

[SilentScream]

For some reason it's really hard for me to give up on people. I always give second chances, over and over again.. I need to stop doing that I guess

I've done this to myself as well. It usually took others to tell me that a particular relationship was unhealthy for me.

I found that changing my attitude towards people helped me detect and detach from unhealthy people. See, the NF dilemma is that we like to view the good in everyone - and sometimes that good is so appealing that we want to be a part of that person's life because they're a good person - or that we want them to be "better than they are", or become better ourselves by being around them.

However, after repeated failures, and at times losing myself and my own personality because of others made me realize that it wasn't that other people were toxic, or that I was a bad person needing change - it was my own inability to know what's best for me.

In the past it used be something like this: "I'm a good person, they're a good person - we should get along. I'll do whatever it takes - even change myself to fit into how we should get along." ... now it's "That person's a good person. I'm a good person. If there's something they don't like about me doesn't make me or them a bad person, it just means that we're not good for each other - so it's better to focus my energy on someone else instead." ---- Instant relief from unhealthy relationships.

 

[lightened]

of course she won't like you, you're not who she wants you to be. you shouldn't be offended actually, it's a minor blessing in disguise. she's expecting you to be someone you're not. it's no surprise.

this is a wonderful realization. let her find someone else that will conform to her expectations.