[suicidal_orange]

So having taken until age 23 to find a girl I'm interested in I think it's over after 18 months of confusion.

I never held her hand, gave her a hug or told her to her face how much she meant to me and pretty much my parting act was to accidentally insult her. This is due to not having a clue what to do or what I was really feeling - she did so much to fix my life I was never sure if I wanted to reward her with everything I could for saving me or if I was selfishly hanging on so she'd be around for my next downer or if it really was pure love and I just wanted her for no particular reason. It was often months between seeing her and very rare that I "disturbed" her with my pointless daily life, yet she was always on my mind.

Today I awoke and she was not the first thing on my mind, something just feels different. Is it over? Now what? I guess I go back to being truly "single" and reconsider what I want from life, I'm a new person after an interesting week of therapy (which wasn't but would need a long essay to explain - it completely changed my outlook) yet still don't know what love is or what my purpose in this existence should be :sad:

 

[suicidal_orange]

Thanks for all the replies :happy: I feel somewhat better yet am still confused.

There is one problem I see with this situation - my first drawing sucked and my first attempt at music sucked yet I did both and improved. My first relationship never happened, which means the second will suck. I have learnt nothing from this experience and that scares me. I found out far more about me last week than in my whole life before, but this wont help me romantically as all I discovered is that I have reasons for being retarded when it comes to expressing emotions :sad: (this isn't me beating on myself but the truth - amnesia plus distant parents is not a good combination)

One time she put a random thing in my hand, that was the only 'contact' I've really had with her in about 6 years, left a tingly sensation

How true. Once she had to write on my hand to show I'd paid at a small gig, such a small act yet it's deeply engraved in my memory.

and the other person is absolutely oblivious

I wish! She knows more about me than anyone else, including knowing how I don't know how I really I feel about her - e-mail is a wonderful thing to hide behind. She has never reciprocated my feelings but I don't care. It's the truth, she's involved, so she has the right to know.

It bugs me how many people just jump from relationship to relationship without ever taking the time out to get to know themselves

Well at least you're one person I'm not going to annoy :crazy: